Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Long Term Relationships

Collapse
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 2
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous 1 2 template Next
    #1

    Long Term Relationships

    I have a question and all thoughts would be welcome

    Do long term relationships ever really last? I know people often rub along for years but does the connection and love really exist or is it just because people are too scared to move on?
    My own relationship seems to have changed drastically since I gave up drinking. I have been married for nearly 25 years. But since giving up the booze we seem to have little in common.And the things that I accepted or buried have reared their head and wont be quiet any more. I think I am a totally different person to the one that I was 25 years ago.
    But my question is, how do couples survive huge life changes like this. And if they do, is it just due to compromising our ideals?
    Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
    Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009
    Tags: None
    #2
    Long Term Relationships

    Well Starty I would have to say a very definitive yes. Having been together for over a quarter of a century I would say its pure and simply love and friendship.
    Of course we are different people to 25 years ago but we grew up together in tandem over those years, caring and sharing of each others interests. Of course we have had tough times and have to compromise, just as in every other area of life.
    We still share our dreams and I wouldnt have it any other way, but I guess I am a very lucky man.
    Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

    Comment

      #3
      Long Term Relationships

      For a start, I think relationships, especially long term ones are very hard in my experience.
      My relationship completely changed when I got sober as I completely did a 360 and changed my life, my friends, my lifestyle, my attitudes and my social life.

      To be honest, I am not sure if my other half was expecting me to emerge as confident, optimistic and outgoing as I became. He was also not prepared for me to start leaving the house, going places, meeting up with new friends and exploring my spirituality.

      It had caused problems, I think he thought he knew what he had and he didn't end up with the same person, so he found that hard to deal with. And for me, I found it hard to deal with the fact that he stayed the same.

      We had had HUGE fights and some days cannot agree on anything. But little by little things are beginning to settle down and he takes a brief interest in what I am doing, as I do with him but now, for the most part, I let him get on with his stuff and he is BEGINNING to let me get on with mine.

      We are together 14 years and I would describe the relationship and more a good friendship than anything else, hubby with describe it as a hot and steamy relationship without the hot and steamy part and then have a little moan about that until I give in
      "It's not your job to like me, it's mine!"

      AF 10th May 2010
      NF 12th May 2010

      Comment

        #4
        Long Term Relationships

        Is it more important how long it is? Or how good it is?
        If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
        Rejoined life 20/5/19

        Comment

          #5
          Long Term Relationships

          byebyebridgetjones;1280103 wrote: Is it more important how long it is? Or how good it is?
          Oh dear God.....:blush:
          If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
          Rejoined life 20/5/19

          Comment

            #6
            Long Term Relationships

            Starty,

            I think you survive huge changes by giving each other a lot of space and respect. And, I think you have to allow the relationship to morph dramatically because people don't "grow" in the same directions. I have come to expect less and then am pleased when something works. Have I had to compromise my ideals? Yes, sometimes. But, the upside of that is that my husband has respected my changes and tried to work through them with me. I've also been there for him during a serious illness and lots of other "stuff." It's give and take........definitely not perfect........but there is something about sticking that makes it special.

            In my early years I went from relationship to relationship - moved on at the least bit of discomfort or if things weren't like I wanted them to be. That's when you really end up empty.

            So, to sum up. Interestingly, for the first time I stuck with someone and now have a really solid relationship. We are best friends - not much in the romantic category for reasons way too lengthy to describe here.......But it works. I don't remember who said this, but I believe it was a Greek philosopher from way back.........It's something like "Love is a Decision." I think that makes a lot of sense but then I've gotten practical in my old age.

            Comment

              #7
              Long Term Relationships

              byebyebridgetjones;1280104 wrote: Oh dear God.....:blush:
              :H:H:H:H
              sigpic
              Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

              Comment

                #8
                Long Term Relationships

                Startypants, my relationship had shifted and when it ended, I blossomed. You know everyone is unique in their own journey and with whom they share it and we each have our own story. I'd like to see your heart sing. Can it in this marriage?
                sigpic
                Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

                Comment

                  #9
                  Long Term Relationships

                  You don't say whether you want to stay together. Or maybe you're not sure?

                  I don't want to jump the gun (!) but I have several friends who have divorced after many years of marriage and all have eventually come out the other side happier. I suppose some people who aren't happy together choose to go through the upheaval of divorce and some choose to "rub along". Depends on what you're like as people and how you want to live your lives.

                  Maybe couples counselling would help you both decide what you want?
                  sigpic
                  AF since December 22nd 2008
                  Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Long Term Relationships

                    Hi.

                    I really think they do, to me it isn`t always greener or the other side, it
                    may be all shiny and new with another in the beginning but you`ll be soon
                    washing his pants in time too
                    I am in a long term relationship and have been AF for a year but my partner
                    still drinks to excess every night and probably always will but I love him as he
                    is a good and decent man and thats all that matters to me.

                    Luv Flossie x
                    Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Long Term Relationships

                      byebyebridgetjones;1280104 wrote: Oh dear God.....:blush:
                      gafaw! Both!
                      Psalms 119:45


                      ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                      St. Francis of Assisi



                      I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                      :rays:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Long Term Relationships

                        I think it's truly friendship and honour that sustains a real and engaged long term relationship. Perhaps I'll be ready to give and receive that one day. People evolve (hopefully) and there must be acceptance, respect and enjoyment of that for each other and lots of open dialogue. Good luck Starty.
                        Psalms 119:45


                        ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                        St. Francis of Assisi



                        I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                        :rays:

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Long Term Relationships

                          Hi Starty - interesting Thread!

                          I was just musing the other day about this wondring if my drinking helped me ignore some problems in my marriage. That being said there is a lot to value when you're with someone long term - all those years of history together can't help but create a bond. And I agree friendship is the most important thing at the end of the day. I've been with my husband for 20 years and I could say he was my "best friend" for a long time - but I have to say we've been in a rough patch in the last year or so due to issues he has had to deal with lately and issues I've had to deal with lately (namely my drinking) that have kind of led us off in different directions....but I'm an optimist and hopefully we'll wind our way back.

                          I also wish you luck whatever your decision is!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Long Term Relationships

                            ROFL @ Bridgey.

                            How come I'm the only male commenting here he ponders :scratchinhead:
                            Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Long Term Relationships

                              I'll let you all know. I have been drinking since hubby and I started dating ten years ago. We both were "normal" drinkers and when we got together every night was a celebration that included a bottle of wine. It worked well for 7 or 8 years and we really are in love. For the past few years I have been unsuccessfully trying to dramatically slow down and now quit. I feel very close to getting there and coincidentally we are getting married a week from today. Our whole life revolves around socializing and drinking.

                              If and when I stop (day 2 almost completed) i am scared our relationship will stagnate. It's been what's keeping me from being successful to some degree. If it does, I have to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was built on a false foundation.

                              Optimistic about quitting and about our relationship but who knows. Starty I hope you are happy; that's what is most important no matter what it takes.
                              Tipplerette

                              I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                              "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                              ? Lao-Tzu

                              Comment

                              Previous 1 2 template Next
                              Working...
                              X