How did you become an Alcaholic?

[Accountable for Me]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

Very nice for you to share a bit about yourself Victoria! Good for you. I know all to well about drowning yourself. I have always had great jobs - but when it came to the end of the day, I too would seclude myself and drink.

I think you are doing so awesome!!!! You are only in your 20's and you have such a wonderful life ahead of you! Not that the rest of us don't but, I wish I was in my 20's when I realized I had a problem. That is when it all started for me! Keep up the good work!!!

[YoungAtHeart]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

Simey, your story is so very sad. I hope you will find the caring and self-respect that you deserve by coming here, posting, and working this program in YOUR WAY. Welcome to you!

I've always loved the feeling I got from drinking, although alcohol itself was certainly an aquired taste. There was alcoholism on both sides of my family. Neither of my parents were out and out drinkers, although my father liked his wine in his later years. During a troubled time during my teen years (14-16), I drank a lot and smoked pot, as well as experimented with some other drugs, but after that I straightened up quite a bit and really only drank socially, even though I always loved a good party and getting toasted with my friends.

When my friends took off in a bus cross-country in early 1974, though, I chose to go to college instead, and continued drinking socially. I started waitressing late in my sophmore year in college, and it was a tradition to hang at the bar and have a few drinks after the shift. I never thought anything of it--sometimes I went home without drinking if I had homework, but I did develop a love of nice wine and food.

When I lived in New Orleans, I met my husband-to-be, and wine and good food became part of our life as well, as he waited tables while he went to law school. I also moonlighted as a cocktail waitress to pay for my psychoanalysis, and the bartender started serving up shooters while I was still on my shift. I had never had a drink while working before, but now I started. Hmmmmm.

When we moved to Maryland, my husband had a difficult time finding a job. He waited tables at night, and I worked during the day. I started drinking, but not that much (relatively speaking), maybe a glass or two a couple of times a week. I was worried, but I suppressed it. I figured that things would get better when he got a job and we got some friends. Well, he eventually got a job, and we got some friends, but he wasn't happier, and I started to notice things that I was unhappy with about him. Previous to that, I had thought the things wrong with our marriage were MY fault (the reason I had gone into psychoanalysis in the first place).

My drinking really escalated after we had a baby and my husband started his own business. We probably shouldn't have had a baby together, as I had some pretty heavy doubts about his capacity to be a dad, but I had very severe endometriosis--3 hospitalizations and 2 surgeries in 1987. It was pretty unclear about whether we could have a baby at all, which was pretty stressful, and after a number of unsuccessful infertility treatments in 1988, my doctor recommended invitro fertilization. I was very mixed about it, but I decided to proceed, as I knew it might be my last chance to have my own child, whatever happened with the marriage. We conceived on the first try, and we were blessed with a wonderful pregnancy--probably the happiest time of our marriage outside of the first year.

Unfortunately, though, my doubts about my husband were gradually being realized as the glow of fatherhood was wearing off. He became increasingly emotionally unavailable. He was no longer working as a lawyer--in fact, he had a GREAT job working for a French company, making double what he made as a lawyer, but he had nothing but complaints about it. He wanted to go into business for himself, and I supported him, because I feared that he was too stubborn and angry to work for someone else. He started his business, and we quarreled constantly about how the capital we had should be spent. He wanted nothing but the best new gadgets and gizmos even though he had no clients yet. Any objections I had were experienced by him as a lack of support, and I felt like I was torn between being perceived as a bitch for expressing my opinion or surrendering my perceptions to keep the peace. Instead of leaving, which I should have done, I turned to drinking and the amount and frequency began to increase. That was in 1991.

My father died in 1993. He had been a huge emotional support to both of us. Four months later my husband announced he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. We had been in couples therapy, but when it became clear to me that he really couldn't commit to giving the time or energy to working on the relationship, I filed the papers for separation in 1994. Shortly afterwards he moved to Poland. Unfortunately, at the very same time, my best friend fell in love and was not very available to me, and my family was far away in another state. I felt very alone. My now ex-husband made very big business mistakes and was only infrequently able to send any money, despite his good intentions. He has rarely seen his daughter since she was 4 1/2. I was very angry and bitter for a long time, and I drank heavily to keep down the anger and the pain of betrayal. I was ill-prepared to be a single mother. It gradually came to me over the years that I really got the better end of the deal, though, even with the drinking, because I got to watch Maddy grow up and be her mother, however tumultuous that might be at times.

When I think about alcohol now, I think that in a normal person, something that might have helped me for a little while to get through the worst of the pain became a crutch to avoid the pain and then a way to hide from myself and from life. I wish I could have been stronger sooner and faced what I needed to face, taken more responsibility for myself sooner and not languished in fear and alcohol as long as I did. Nevertheless, that IS what I did, and it is done. I did, however, happen upon a website, mywayout, on December 5, 2005, and since that time, my life has changed. Not completely, and not all at once. I have, like a toddler, taken some tentative steps, and fallen on my butt more than once. But I am learning to walk again, and even to skip and run without alcohol. I am gaining new insights into myself without alcohol. I am finding parts of the "old me" in me that I had lost and developing the parts of me that had stopped growing because of the booze.

It's a long road. But I am travelling it in earnest now, and I have hope. I'm not even that worried about slipping, because I've done that before too, and each time, I've learned something important.

Anyway, that is my very long and drawn out story. I hope you're not too bored. Those of you who know me know that I never stop a just a paragraph or two.

XOXOX,
Kathy

[southernbelle47]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

Kathy...........

xoxoxox back at you!

Nancy

[YoungAtHeart]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

I'm sorry, Nancy and all. I'll try to do it again in a somewhat abbreviated form. Sometimes I aggravate myself with my verbosity!

[Guest]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

when, where, why and how

Ahhh, the questions I used to obsess over. I finally have closed that chapter of questions. It doesn't really matter...the fact remains that I am one and now I have to deal with it. Knowing the anwers would not change a single thing at this point.

Kim

[Newyear]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

Simeybear-
I'm so sorry to hear what you have been thru. You have a lot of courage. You also seem to have a wonderful husband who really cares for you.
Please come here as often as you can - read and post and read more. It helps.
Lisa

[Lucy Van Pelt]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

My Drinking History is going to sound so....boring....I fear...but...here goes

I had this..."charming" life (hold on...swallowing down spit up here)...I didn't have a a terrible upbringing at all. Geez... I was raised in a "decent" family...married parents...in a wealty suburb...no abuse...nothing awful to report.

I don't even think I can say I am sure there were major alcoholics that I am aware of in my family...but...I am fairly sure my mom finds her alcohol VERY important...I think she would be classified as a "functional" alcoholic...

I for one only started drinking like I think most every one else did...with fake ID's in high school, more in college, BUT, I think I probably enjoyed it more. I SO found it ROMANTIC to have wine while making dinner in my own apartment when I had my own apartment (with a roomate) as a junior in college. At that point in my life I had an eating disorder, so I wouldn't dare drink too much (the calories, oh MY) but I so loved the feeling of the buzz, so I think the alcoholic was born in me then. By grad school, when te eating disorder let it's grip loose, and I met a fellow drinker. WOW, did I have fun with the alcohol!!!...SO, I guess for me, that is when the drinking really started big time. But truth is, it has only grown as a problem in slow increments over time....I am 25 years plus since that grad school memory...

I don't know why for sure i have this problem...I think it is an addiction issue in my genes...and given the right..or wrong chances...came to bite me...


Beth

[southernbelle47]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

{{{{Beth}}}}

Nancy

[Guest]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

Lisa Thank you so much, I had a set back last night. Drank a bottle of wine. My Daughter promised me that I could have my Grandson for the night and most of today. Was so looking forward to it. At the last minute (She works over nights as a nurse) She calls to tell me that her mother in law was coming and that she was going to keep him at her house, with her husband and his mother -neither blood relation -and have only been in his life for 2 years.He is 5 and calls begging to come over.(I never get to see him) Heatbreaking for me. So I found wine to self medicate. But this board helps. I hope to find genuine support and friends here. Hope everyone enjoys the day the way they hope.
mar

[YoungAtHeart]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

I have drunk over disappointments like that, too, SimeyBear. Keep on trying. You will find over time that you are able to deal with things better without the alcohol. I'm glad you are posting about it!

Hugs,
Kathy

PS: I've lost the ability to use my smilies! WAHHH!!!

[BoozeFreeFox]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

This is really interesting...

A lot of these stories seem to support Allen Carr's supposition that alcoholism WILL happen to many of us if we just keep at it long enough, and that "too much" can occur at any point in your life, regardless of how things have gone prior to that point.

I heard a lot of stories of "I could always take it or leave it, but then at age __, here I was drinking an entire bottle of wine EVERY day".

Really cool to have a forum of honest people so that we can all shed light on this fascinating phenomenon.

[prezmustchange]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

I had definitely lost the ability to control how much I drank by the time I was 21 or so. At the age of 23 I first identified myself as an alcoholic.
Right from the first serious drink I ever had I have tended to get very drunk. So the signs were always there. Now I'm nearly 50 and can drink quantities that would have killed me when I was younger. But strangely I rarely get very drunk. Alcohol doesn't seem to work for me anymore, it just makes me sick. All I really need to know is that I can never seem to moderate and that abstinence has worked for me in the past.
I hope I can stay AF today.
prez

[Cashregister]

How did you become an Alcaholic?

hi macks

really snuck up on me - and i don't even know if that's what I am. My doc tells me i'm trying to avoid all the other health probs in my (short!) life - too numerous to list.

My adopted mother was a "diagnosed alcoholic" - if that means coming home and finding your mum naked in the back garden with an empty bottle of sherry in her hand - then i'm not there yet.

Who knows - all I know is that I have problems - and at the moment drinking seems to not make them any worse (or better)

Cash
????

xxxx