I need some encouragement
Making progress....
It's been quite a while since I've been here so Hello!
I'm writing this in the encouragement forum hoping it might help someone.
I have had a pretty tough go of it in the last 2 months. I'm positive I actually did physical harm to my liver. Worst day was waking up with an enlarged gut, doubled over pain, dizzy, and horribly hung over. Vodka. I did it on purpose. I think I wanted to sink as low as possible but didn't intend on causing myself harm. I almost went to the emergency room but waited it out, drank water, did a fresh veggy juice, and laid in bed all day. Lately I have started having horrible skin rashes, which I'm told are from my overworked liver. They are not pretty, they itch horribly, and they are a physical reminder of my body not being able to process all the alcohol anymore. Felt like a complete looser. I was numb and done. All of this is completely hidden from my husband.
That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have drank since but only a few occassions and no where near that level. I only drink socially (I used to drink alone daily) or only Friday and Saturday nights with my husband. Not sure if I'll be able to do this without going overboard but it is my starting point. I've come to realize quite a bit during these few weeks and perhaps it might help someone out there.
It doesn't work anymore. Drinking makes me feel initially better but it takes me a day to recover physically and I sink deeper into depression and looserhood each time. I used to feel better when I drank. Now I don't.
The cravings are still there big time. I created a few easy guidelines for myself... I wait 30 minutes at the first sign of a craving. Most of the time I forget and before I know it it's been 60 minutes or more. I figure I made it this long so try for another 30 minutes. I have made it through 12 of 18 days and nights without drinking doing this. In the past sometimes I drank in the morning, sometimes not till mid afternoon, and every night so this is a huge improvement for me.
Second, I ask myself... "Will this make me feel like a looser or like a strong amazing woman? Usually the answer is that it will make me feel like a looser and I want to feel like a strong amazing woman.
Third, I ask myself why... usually I can't actually answer the question. I don't even know why I drink anymore. We all probably have some horrific memories from childhood that haunt us and that used to be my reason but it just doesn't sooth those feelings anymore. It's really an interesting exercise.. ask yourself why. My mind wanders almost immediately and I have to keep coming back to the question. I don't have an answer. If I don't even know why I want to drink then I tell myself I can't drink till I know why I want to drink.
I think, for me, drinking used to be a huge escape from the past and that used to work. Now it's not an escape, the past is over. The drinking is far worse and more destructive than what happen to me 20 years ago. It just doesn't work anymore.
I am working through things that come up in my mind instead of running from them. I don't think I ever learned how to deal with problems correctly in the past. I always soothed them and numbed them and moved on. Now I sit with it, whatever it is, I sit with it, think about it, and it eventually moves out of my mind and heart. If something needs to be addressed with someone I do it. If it's my issue than I deal with myself. Some things take hours or days and some things float away instantly. I don't run to the bottle of vodka. I actually deal!
Now I'm no saint. I wanted a drink very badly last night. I was irritable and cranky all night. I finally took a melatonin, turned the light off, and went to sleep. It wasn't fun but I did it and I feel much better today.
I wake up in the morning feeling good, my energy is back, I'm exercising again, I accomplish so much more, and my weight has dropped a little, which is good because drinking too much makes me want foods that will make me feel better. Those foods are typically fatty high carb crap and has given me about 20 extra pounds on my body. I'm down 5 pounds and have 15 to go.
I hope this helps someone. If you have any questions please ask. Thank you for letting me get this out.
Making progress....
It's been quite a while since I've been here so Hello!
I'm writing this in the encouragement forum hoping it might help someone.
I have had a pretty tough go of it in the last 2 months. I'm positive I actually did physical harm to my liver. Worst day was waking up with an enlarged gut, doubled over pain, dizzy, and horribly hung over. Vodka. I did it on purpose. I think I wanted to sink as low as possible but didn't intend on causing myself harm. I almost went to the emergency room but waited it out, drank water, did a fresh veggy juice, and laid in bed all day. Lately I have started having horrible skin rashes, which I'm told are from my overworked liver. They are not pretty, they itch horribly, and they are a physical reminder of my body not being able to process all the alcohol anymore. Felt like a complete looser. I was numb and done. All of this is completely hidden from my husband.
That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have drank since but only a few occassions and no where near that level. I only drink socially (I used to drink alone daily) or only Friday and Saturday nights with my husband. Not sure if I'll be able to do this without going overboard but it is my starting point. I've come to realize quite a bit during these few weeks and perhaps it might help someone out there.
It doesn't work anymore. Drinking makes me feel initially better but it takes me a day to recover physically and I sink deeper into depression and looserhood each time. I used to feel better when I drank. Now I don't.
The cravings are still there big time. I created a few easy guidelines for myself... I wait 30 minutes at the first sign of a craving. Most of the time I forget and before I know it it's been 60 minutes or more. I figure I made it this long so try for another 30 minutes. I have made it through 12 of 18 days and nights without drinking doing this. In the past sometimes I drank in the morning, sometimes not till mid afternoon, and every night so this is a huge improvement for me.
Second, I ask myself... "Will this make me feel like a looser or like a strong amazing woman? Usually the answer is that it will make me feel like a looser and I want to feel like a strong amazing woman.
Third, I ask myself why... usually I can't actually answer the question. I don't even know why I drink anymore. We all probably have some horrific memories from childhood that haunt us and that used to be my reason but it just doesn't sooth those feelings anymore. It's really an interesting exercise.. ask yourself why. My mind wanders almost immediately and I have to keep coming back to the question. I don't have an answer. If I don't even know why I want to drink then I tell myself I can't drink till I know why I want to drink.
I think, for me, drinking used to be a huge escape from the past and that used to work. Now it's not an escape, the past is over. The drinking is far worse and more destructive than what happen to me 20 years ago. It just doesn't work anymore.
I am working through things that come up in my mind instead of running from them. I don't think I ever learned how to deal with problems correctly in the past. I always soothed them and numbed them and moved on. Now I sit with it, whatever it is, I sit with it, think about it, and it eventually moves out of my mind and heart. If something needs to be addressed with someone I do it. If it's my issue than I deal with myself. Some things take hours or days and some things float away instantly. I don't run to the bottle of vodka. I actually deal!
Now I'm no saint. I wanted a drink very badly last night. I was irritable and cranky all night. I finally took a melatonin, turned the light off, and went to sleep. It wasn't fun but I did it and I feel much better today.
I wake up in the morning feeling good, my energy is back, I'm exercising again, I accomplish so much more, and my weight has dropped a little, which is good because drinking too much makes me want foods that will make me feel better. Those foods are typically fatty high carb crap and has given me about 20 extra pounds on my body. I'm down 5 pounds and have 15 to go.
I hope this helps someone. If you have any questions please ask. Thank you for letting me get this out.
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