What is wrong with me???

[Hopeful mom]

What is wrong with me??? Why can't I stop drinking?? I am ruining my life, no one understands; hell, I don't even understand!! i've taken meds, I say I'm done, but I keep going back. Can't go over a week! I just can't stand it anymore!! Does anyone ever think that death would give them peace?? I never thought I'd say something like that, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. Its not fair to my family, my kids never know what to expect anymore. What is wrong with me????

[sunshine_gg]

What is wrong with me???

You suffer from addiction, Hopeful. That's what's wrong with you :l

When you say you are done, do you have a plan in place? Have you checked out the Toolbox?

One pretty powerful tool for me was to write down exactly what happens when I drink. From the embarrassing phone calls/emails to stumbling up/down the stairs to waking up soaked in sweat and sporting an anxiety attack. And to keep that memory alive and with me to peek at if and when I felt like having 'a' drink.

Wishing you strength and success!

[mama bear]

What is wrong with me???

ditto what Sunshine said...have you considered antabuse???
Death may give YOU peace, but it will ruin your family and DEVESTATE your children....

[K9Lover]

What is wrong with me???

Hi HM,
Sunni and Mama both made good points. I finally gave up when I couldn't take the humiliation of my own behavior anymore. I got tired of scrambling for the phone at 3am to see who I'd called/texted/emailed. Tired of checking to see if my car was in the garage (with hopefully no dings or dents). Tired of wondering WHAT happened the night before, and how the furniture got rearranged?? Maybe you should write down, in detail, all that you HATE about alcohol...and I mean everything, from heartburn to anxiety. We are pulling for you. Believe me, I never thought I would get off the roller coaster, but I DID, you can too. Stick close and let us know how you are...we're happy to help you!
K9

[Unwasted]

What is wrong with me???

Hopeful Mom, I think we've all felt exactly like what you're describing here. But if you can stick with it long enough to start feeling better, I promise you that your thinking will change. Have you considered things you normally wouldn't like Antabuse, AA, Rehab? Surely trying something radical would be worth a try given how you're currently feeling. There is nothing wrong with you aside from being addicted. There really are so many tools out there, but you have to get serious and use them. Admit you can't do it on your own and seek a different way. Please post more so we can help. There is a way out - you just can't see it right now. :lilheart:

XPOST LAV..........and what Lav says too.......

[Lavande]

What is wrong with me???

Hopeful Mom,
Please know that you are not alone :l

We have all been through this to one degree or another. Trying to get to the root of the problem takes some work - do not give up!
Sounds like you may be dealing with chronic depression in addition to addiction. I say this because I was in your shoes myself a few years ago. For me, getting a handle on my depression cleared the way for me to finally kick AL out of my life

Please consider addressing this with your Doc, You & your kids deserve a happier & healthier future!

Wishing yuo the best!
Lav

[Turnagain]

What is wrong with me???

Hopeful Mom - I know that awful dark place, too. It is possible to get out of there. I did a lot of reading to learn how to begin healing. Here is a link to a site with a lot of good information about dealing with the biochemcial causes of depression and addiction:

Anxiety Cure, Improve Mental Health, Cure for Anxiety and Depression

The site also has links to lists of supplements that can help. At the very least, you'll want to get going with a decent Vitamin B complex and Vitamin C. You probably know that L-Glutamine (especially the powdered form) can knock off cravings AND help heal your stomach which has been roughed up by alcohol.

I realize that everyone is a little bit different, but ALL my depression lifted once I went alcohol free for good. It is a heinous, damaging and fatal addiction and it's not easy to break free. But it can be done and YOU can do it like so many others have done. Some begin with help from medications like Topomax and antabuse...some go to rehab....some do it on their own (this option can be dangerous for very heavy drinkers who should do a medically supervised detox.) The point is...do whatever works for you. And begin today.

You've already taken a baby step by coming back here and posting. Take another step now. Please let us know how we can help support you.

[Hopeful mom]

What is wrong with me???

I don't even know what to say other than thank you all. Your kindness and support mean more than I can explain. Thanks for the link Turnagain; and thanks for information about the toolbox. Thanks for all of the ideas. I've tried Antabuse, I just kept drinking. My face would get beet red, but i never got sick. I've tried topamax and have baclofen now. Still drink...not like I used to, but once a week. I too check the cell phone and emails. Thought about AA, there's a ladies group that meets on Wednesday evenings. I heard that you have to make apologies to people you've hurt, and I can barely do the things I need to do on a daily basis. The last thing i want to do is rehash the past. Yes, I am depressed. My doctor put me on Effexor. We'll see if that helps. This demon called addiction is killing me, its bigger than me, and I can't do this by myself. Thank you all for your support. I'll check those links now.