I first logged on to this site four or five years ago, finding it while looking up ways to determine I was an alcoholic. I even posted a few times. And tried to moderate, which is why I liked it here, the place was so forgiving, supportive, and everyone had a similar story. It was nice that I could talk to others about how it felt to not have control. Or to read I wasn't the only one who lost a job/wife/crashed a car/woke up with the wrong person/woke up in my car/etc.
But I failed to take advantage of the potential for deterence. In fact, the last place I wanted to go was here when I wanted a drink. So instead it became a place to lurk after a particular bad binge.
I'll save my story for that particular forum - for my friends and family, if they knew - much of it would be quite scandelous. However, here, just another one of those stories.
I will say today I am 18 days AF. I've never gone more than 4 days without, usually due to a lack of accessibility, and never more than 10 days sober, since at least 1996. And all it took, truly for me, was to say it out loud to my wife.
I had tried, at least two mornings a week, head pounding and hands shaking, to say something. "Tonight I will tell her, she'll help". And I knew I'd never drink again. But then within an hour of having coffee I was fine - I rarely had hangovers though now after 18 days realize I was always hungover, just a matter of degrees. And so I would then just say I won't drink anymore, no need to involve her. Then maybe one to ease off, I know I read somewhere bad to quit cold turkey, right? Well, don't have any, so let me grab my last bottle of wine.
You all know how it ends. Well three weeks ago this Sunday, I walked in after working in the garage for dinner. I'd had seven IPA beers and was truly drunk, but we were having spaghetti on the deck so I "wanted" a glass of wine - I had the image in my mind. As I walked out of the kitchen my wife said "Wine?"
I stopped. She said "Tom, I am worried about how much you drink". And it woke me up for a second, the clarity I had occasionally had at 3:00 AM or early morning realzing I had again gotten drunk was there, right there, while I WAS actively drunk. I said "Me too".
I went and poured it out. She was very supportive and non-judgemental when she asked "do you think you have a problem?" And I remember standing there, kids out back, windows open, a beautiful day, nodding yes because I was to overcome with what I had become to speak.
We ate pleasantly, and after dinner had an earnest and honest conversation. She is no therapist, but she knew I had to say the things I needed to say so I would hear them myself, not her. She asked the right questions and I had let myself for the first time not be defensive. It was eye opening.
I didn't drink or want to the next day, or the next. I'd done that before though, usually once a month I could go two days. But then another went by, and another. Friday was hard, I wanted a beer - not for a buzz I told myself - but it was Friday and I derserved it and missed the taste. Then I visualized it just tasting it only and realized I really never liked the taste! LOL
Once, when I was sober a week I thought I could moderate (after one week!) so ought a 6 pack to celebrate knowing I'd have just one. Again, you know the ending to that one - that was almost a year ago.
So, I am far from "sober" or "cured" or whatever, but off to the best start I have allowed myself. And the books, the websited, the forums, everything I have done to try to get here before only let me know I had a problem. The real answer for me was saying it so I could hear it out loud - I can't control my drinking - I am an alcoholic.
I look forward to 21 days this Sunday, and to never looking back.
PS - I was so ashamed at my lack of success and all my starting out day one posts here before, I changed my login for MWO. I really was missing the point of this great forum for help.
But I failed to take advantage of the potential for deterence. In fact, the last place I wanted to go was here when I wanted a drink. So instead it became a place to lurk after a particular bad binge.
I'll save my story for that particular forum - for my friends and family, if they knew - much of it would be quite scandelous. However, here, just another one of those stories.
I will say today I am 18 days AF. I've never gone more than 4 days without, usually due to a lack of accessibility, and never more than 10 days sober, since at least 1996. And all it took, truly for me, was to say it out loud to my wife.
I had tried, at least two mornings a week, head pounding and hands shaking, to say something. "Tonight I will tell her, she'll help". And I knew I'd never drink again. But then within an hour of having coffee I was fine - I rarely had hangovers though now after 18 days realize I was always hungover, just a matter of degrees. And so I would then just say I won't drink anymore, no need to involve her. Then maybe one to ease off, I know I read somewhere bad to quit cold turkey, right? Well, don't have any, so let me grab my last bottle of wine.
You all know how it ends. Well three weeks ago this Sunday, I walked in after working in the garage for dinner. I'd had seven IPA beers and was truly drunk, but we were having spaghetti on the deck so I "wanted" a glass of wine - I had the image in my mind. As I walked out of the kitchen my wife said "Wine?"
I stopped. She said "Tom, I am worried about how much you drink". And it woke me up for a second, the clarity I had occasionally had at 3:00 AM or early morning realzing I had again gotten drunk was there, right there, while I WAS actively drunk. I said "Me too".
I went and poured it out. She was very supportive and non-judgemental when she asked "do you think you have a problem?" And I remember standing there, kids out back, windows open, a beautiful day, nodding yes because I was to overcome with what I had become to speak.
We ate pleasantly, and after dinner had an earnest and honest conversation. She is no therapist, but she knew I had to say the things I needed to say so I would hear them myself, not her. She asked the right questions and I had let myself for the first time not be defensive. It was eye opening.
I didn't drink or want to the next day, or the next. I'd done that before though, usually once a month I could go two days. But then another went by, and another. Friday was hard, I wanted a beer - not for a buzz I told myself - but it was Friday and I derserved it and missed the taste. Then I visualized it just tasting it only and realized I really never liked the taste! LOL
Once, when I was sober a week I thought I could moderate (after one week!) so ought a 6 pack to celebrate knowing I'd have just one. Again, you know the ending to that one - that was almost a year ago.
So, I am far from "sober" or "cured" or whatever, but off to the best start I have allowed myself. And the books, the websited, the forums, everything I have done to try to get here before only let me know I had a problem. The real answer for me was saying it so I could hear it out loud - I can't control my drinking - I am an alcoholic.
I look forward to 21 days this Sunday, and to never looking back.
PS - I was so ashamed at my lack of success and all my starting out day one posts here before, I changed my login for MWO. I really was missing the point of this great forum for help.
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