Early sobriety and dating

[LillyE]

So, as those in the Nest now know, I had a first (lunch) date today (internet date) that was nice and he asked me out to dinner on Saturday.

Obviously have no idea if he's a drinker but he did casually mention liking to buy wine online and, let's face it, even people who aren't big drinkers tend to drink more on a first dinner date. It's bound to come up as an assumption we'll get a glass or even a bottle.

It got me thinking about how to handle this... I definitely don't think it's appropriate to go into my drinking and why I'm not on a first date. I may never see the guy again so he doesn't need to know all that right up. I'm also not quite at the point I could comfortably just say "I don't drink".

I do think the way people react to these things has a lot to do with how you roll it out, so something low-key, not-a-big-deal, positive is best. I'm just not sure and pondering it and wouldn't mind input. Do I make an excuse like I'm on antibiotics or what?

I went on one date a couple of years ago with a guy who didn't drink. I had two glasses of wine - so it's not like I got plastered. I remember asking him 'Oh are you driving" when he ordered a lemon lime and bitters.

The next morning he sent me this long angsty text about how he'd been sober 20 years and how hard it was because his dates always drank and so forth and I remember what put me off was not that he didn't drink but how poorly he handled the revelation. I also thought, geeze, after 20 years you haven't learnt how to communicate effectively about this?

Anyway, those who've been in this scenario... thoughts? Strategies?

Lilly

[coriander]

Early sobriety and dating

LillyE;1303849 wrote: So, as those in the Nest now know, I had a first (lunch) date today (internet date) that was nice and he asked me out to dinner on Saturday.

Obviously have no idea if he's a drinker but he did casually mention liking to buy wine online and, let's face it, even people who aren't big drinkers tend to drink more on a first dinner date. It's bound to come up as an assumption we'll get a glass or even a bottle.

It got me thinking about how to handle this... I definitely don't think it's appropriate to go into my drinking and why I'm not on a first date. I may never see the guy again so he doesn't need to know all that right up. I'm also not quite at the point I could comfortably just say "I don't drink".

I do think the way people react to these things has a lot to do with how you roll it out, so something low-key, not-a-big-deal, positive is best. I'm just not sure and pondering it and wouldn't mind input. Do I make an excuse like I'm on antibiotics or what?

I went on one date a couple of years ago with a guy who didn't drink. I had two glasses of wine - so it's not like I got plastered. I remember asking him 'Oh are you driving" when he ordered a lemon lime and bitters.

The next morning he sent me this long angsty text about how he'd been sober 20 years and how hard it was because his dates always drank and so forth and I remember what put me off was not that he didn't drink but how poorly he handled the revelation. I also thought, geeze, after 20 years you haven't learnt how to communicate effectively about this?

Anyway, those who've been in this scenario... thoughts? Strategies?

Lilly

Wow LillE,that's a big thing!
Firstly, as to how YOU handle it? Do you feel comfy with a form of "defense" eg "i'm on antibiotics/i'm on a detox/i'm not drinking right now"......
but then again when he sent you that text about how HE'd been sober 20 yrs, then sheesh, i think you're right, if he can't handle his own recovery then how will he handle yours?
Not even one to give good adivce here, but thinking ahead, if the guy i was with wasn't comfortable with his own non-drinking, he obviously hasn't really got a handle on it...
I'd personally like a comfortable, relaxed date with no angst about alcohol vs none.
Good luck LillyE!

C. xxx

[Marshy]

Early sobriety and dating

Hi Lilly,

I worried about this when I started dating too but it turned out not to be a problem - "normal" drinkers do not obsess about it like we do! (The exception was one woman who told me all about her regular drunken exploits and I was sitting there thinking "there's no way I'm getting involved with her!".)

If he does ask, you could say you're driving or something but if you do start to see him regularly at some point you'll run out of excuses. You could lay the groundwork by saying something like "I don't like the effect/it doesn't agree with me". Most people will not press you on that. And then if you see him again you can explain more when you want to.

Be proud that you're improving your life and don't drink! It doesn't make you second best in some way. If he chooses to drink, that's up to him. If you choose to not drink, that's up to you.

Also, I know we tend to think that people will want to order a bottle of wine but it's not necessarily the case. I was surprised when I stopped drinking how little some people really drink. (I'd always been too drunk to notice!). Just because he buys wine on the internet doesn't mean he's a big drinker or will want you to drink with him.

Decide what AF drink you'll have before you go so when you order drinks you can say "I'll have xxx". If you haven't decided it gives more room for temptation to creep in.

Have a good evening!

[K9Lover]

Early sobriety and dating

Hi Lilly!
I posted in the Nest, so I won't repeat my long boring story here. LOL
I usually use the excuse of not drinking/driving...nobody can really argue with that one, can they? I also say "I don't drink much anymore"...kind of lets them know you're not opposed to it, you just don't choose to do it yourself. Also, I think that some people think having a wine collection is "sophisticated"...he may have been trying to impress you with his wine knowledge finess. LOL
I wouldn't worry too much about it, you want him to like the real YOU, not the buzzed/drunk you. Just enjoy yourself and if you don't make a big deal out of it, he won't either!
I'm dying to know how it goes
K9

[lifechange]

Early sobriety and dating

i like the tip about knowing what you're going to drink ahead of time. at least a hundred times i've gone into the restaurant with good intentions, then openend the menu to the drinks section-- all good intentions flew out the window at the drop of a hat.

[Arial]

Early sobriety and dating

I haven't dated in years - largely because my drinking was an issue - I look forward to being in your shoes and be considering how to handle my NOT drinking! Personally, too, I'm concerned about dating someone who does drink regularly, as I'm not sure my will power would survive - I am in awe of everyone who has managed to kick this while living with or surrounded by people who drink regularly or even excessively :bow

My daughter has a chronic illness and has decided that she waits to see if the relationship is potentially an important one before she says anything, but doesn't leave it long enough for him to feel that she's been untruthful or hiding something from him. I suppose this is similar in some ways, but I think you'll find what feels most comfortable for you and at what time. Good luck!

[KittyKatLost]

Early sobriety and dating

Im lonenly and depressed and ercovering alcholic that takes a ton of meds, I always wonder to myself who really wants someone like me? I am atleast have been told slim attractive and I am 37, I am pushing the 40 year old mark.. But LIlliie your words helped me, that I need to work on my self first before I start dating. I would rather give someone my all, rather than be miserable hiding my pain...

[LillyE]

Early sobriety and dating

Hi,

Thanks all for the advice and encouragement.

Thanks particularly Marshy as that is *excellent* advice and really helped me put a new light on this. I had some good realisations actually thinking about this... that it made my booze brain really kick in telling me I'd *have* to drink, because it's one of those situations that previously would seem impossible not to. But if I'm going to learn to live without booze I'm going to have to navigate these situations so I can see it as a learning experience and feel proud.

Annnddd you are completely right that 'normal' drinkers don't obsess about it the way we do and so won't really care if you don't drink. I have also been struck by how little many people drink during my off periods. When I'm drinking I tend to assume everyone boozes the way I do, but they don't. So, basically, if he's a normal drinker he probably won't really care. And if he's not, well, he's not someone I should progress to date 3 with right now anyway.

Will totally let you all know how it goes in case anyone else here is struggling with this. I've decided to just be light hearted about it and say I'm not drinking at the moment. If he presses it I can say something like I'm experimenting with seeing if I feel better for not drinking or that I'm on a health kick or something. Will work out a solid answer and also an alternate drink.

Thanks again all.

Lilly

[Boh]

Early sobriety and dating

Hey lillyeee!

I would suggest you just say something truthful like, I'm not much of a drinker, I don't really drink, or something along those lines... I would find that totally respectable! I tend to think that we teetotalers seem to think we are being judged all the time for not drinking.

I'm sure we make it a bigger deal than it really is. To someone who can control their drinking, telling them you don't drink probably is no big deal. Think about opposite, what if you said "I drink excessively and it causes big problems...." Hmm probably a deal breaker, right ?

Saying you don't drink doesn't seem so bad, ya know... Just my thoughts from a male prospective..

Nothing wrong with being yourself!


Boh

[LillyE]

Early sobriety and dating

Thanks Boh I appreciate the input. And I think it's been excellent advice here that we obsess about it way more than normal drinkers do and so it shouldn't be weird or off-putting to someone unless they have issues with it themselves.

We were emailing about plans so I just casually mentioned I'm not drinking 'at the moment'. If he presses me on it I plan to just say something about how I'm having a break from Alcohol as I feel better when I don't drink - which is basically the truth. I guess I'm too early on to feel comfortable saying "I don't drink, period".

If it turns into something more I can explain more, but I really don't think it's necessary or appropriate to make a big deal out of it on a first date nor do I want to act like it's a negative thing. I almost wrote in the email something like "Sad I know" then thought, NO, it's not sad! It's a positive thing for me and I don't want to date someone if they have an issue with that anyway.

[lifechange]

Early sobriety and dating

you sound great, Lilly! i'm glad you took out the part about it being sad. it's actually such a positive action you're taking to take care of yourself and your life. you seem to me to be a very intelligent, funny woman, full of life. nothing boring there. keep on being true to yourself and you can't go wrong.
i am a complete beginner here, but it's what i believe.

[LillyE]

Early sobriety and dating

lifechange;1305483 wrote: you sound great, Lilly! i'm glad you took out the part about it being sad. it's actually such a positive action you're taking to take care of yourself and your life. you seem to me to be a very intelligent, funny woman, full of life. nothing boring there. keep on being true to yourself and you can't go wrong.
i am a complete beginner here, but it's what i believe.

Awh, thanks Life Change!! It's been so nice getting to know you and everyone else in the Nest - the support is fantastic. And your handle says it all - we're changing our lives... for the better. That's a very GOOD thing

[LillyE]

Early sobriety and dating

So I just had a chat with my date for tomorrow, and he brought up the not drinking thing and said 'that's a really good thing' and was very positive about it and talked about how he himself is trying to drink less because he used to drink a lot but finds these days it effects him more and so forth!

Much like being pleasantly surprised by my friend in Thailand's reaction I realise a lot of that fear was all in my own head. I KNOW that, regardless of him, part of me, out of nervousness being out on a date and association with wine bars and nice restaurants, will really, really want a drink, but I'm going to really try and go into it with a positive attitude about not drinking and enjoying the evening and seeing how it feels to have a nice date sober.

But sooo relieved he was so cool about it - a good sign!

Lilly

[K9Lover]

Early sobriety and dating

Lilleeeee!
Have fun on your date. Please let us know how it goes. You can tell me if I'm missing anything, I've been out of the dating scene for years. Sometimes I wonder if I should give it another go? Maybe I'm too old and set in my ways? Maybe I'll be that old lady with 20 dogs that nobody ever comes to visit? LOL
I want details!
K9

[red67]

Early sobriety and dating

Aww, k9, I think I'll be your neighbor but I will probably have cats