Drinking Thinking

[Struggles 106]

I realized long ago that my thinking was geared to creating drinking opportunities. I'm not sure I've said much about it here. I would bet that a lot of us here have had the same experience.

I used to think of drinking right away when a social invitation came my way-like a wedding, and anniversary party, birthday party, anything of course that typically involved alcohol. That little part of the brain that goes "oh yeah-drinking for sure."

It's paralyzing really. Occasions that should be memorable and meaningful become just another excuse to drink and be stupid. They become not the good life event they are meant to be, but just another in a long list of terrible alcohol-fueled nonsense. It's a soul-killer. And to top it off looking at pictures of said event then you realize you don't even remember what happened there.
And this is living? Pffftttt-no more for me

[MtnMomma]

Drinking Thinking

Oh yeah! I'm struggling with that, now. Like anticipating an opportunity to drink enough so that I rush to get activities with the kids done and into bed, so that I can drink. I know my oldest (4 yrs old) is noticing I act different during these times. Other times I'm enjoying the time, not rushing around or moving them along. I'm abandoning this thinking, abandoning the drinking and just letting myself relax, enjoy this time, and actually, learning.

[K9Lover]

Drinking Thinking

Ann -
I can relate, in fact every Friday night I felt like I "had" to drink, like it was some unwritten rule that I shouldn't (and wouldn't!) break. Even to this day, if I hear that I'll be alone over the weekend, my first thought is "Ohhh, a 12 pack and a movie..." The catch is that it doesn't turn out that way. Oh yes, I down the 12 pack, but I normally can't watch the movie and I get up to all sorts of shenanigans in the meantime. Let's just say it's not a good idea to "groom" your dogs when your 3 sheets to the wind, nor is it advisable to rake your front yard in the rain in your ripped up pajamas (mooning the neighbors is frowned upon). I think what makes the difference is when we "shift" our thinking from alcohol to being a reward (which is isn't) to the poison that it is. We become grateful that we are not enslaved to it anymore. And my neighbords are grateful not to see my cheeks anymore. LOL
Keep up your good work!
K9

[Struggles 106]

Drinking Thinking

HAHAHA K9

Good one-if it wasn't so sad it would be funny. Well it is funny in retrospect. Funny and bizarre.
Quick story-one Sunday when I lived down the street from my sister the wino, I drank all my wine then staggered over to her place and got hers. (SHe wasn't home)
After that-do not know. Woke up with a fracture in my foot and could not walk. Called work,called ambulance the whole bit. Very painful.
A week later when I got back to work and told the bs story of stepping down from a ladder blah blah blah a coworker said "You should keep your wine on a lower shelf."

SO... I have about 3 weeks now and really don't count so much as take it one day at a time. Downloaded some new books today to read about addiction.

AND MtnMomma I know what you mean exactly. It's like cleaning the house on a Saturday, and knowing that at about 6 pm it will be time to "celebrate" the clean house by lighting some candles and start with the drinking. I am so grateful for people here who get this. The non-addicted just don't know how it is.

Thanks to everyone

[K9Lover]

Drinking Thinking

MM and Ann,
Oh yes, I remember the "reward" drinks all too well. I'd polish up the house from top to bottom then sit in my nice organized living room and get my drink ON! Fast forward to beer 12 or 13 and I'd decide I didn't like the way the room was arranged, so I'd start moving things around. Drop a lamp and break it. Scoot the couch over (across my toe). Light a fire (because I'm so motivated I'll be up for hours!). Re-hang pictures. Reorganize drawers. Flash forward to the next morning...couch is in the middle of the room, the lamp is dangling where I left it, the fire is still smoldering, the pictures are crooked and upside down, and I can't find my underwear!! What a reward! My new reward is waking up knowing things are exactly as I left them! Oh and Ann, it is sad but funny that the guy at liquor store has seen my left arse cheek many times thanks to me stumbling in late at night. He may even miss me by now. LOL
K9

[sunshine_gg]

Drinking Thinking

What!??? You waited until 6pm??

No, cleaning and drinking went hand in hand for me. So did gardening and drinking. And playing guitar and drinking. I'm starting to see a pattern....

As for special occasions, holidays, etc.... they were JUSTIFICATIONS to drink for me. I could make up any old excuse on the fly.. but there was a guilt factor to it. Special occasion.. hell, yeah.. no guilt (until next morning).

K9, I remember the dog grooming escapade :l You are forgiven by now, right? :H

[K9Lover]

Drinking Thinking

Hi Sunni G!
Yes, the cocker spaniel has agreed to never bring it up again, and I have promised to have him professionally groomed from now on. We are both trying to forget it ever happened. LOL

[Struggles 106]

Drinking Thinking

Yep sunshine

You are right-justifications, with excuses available ALL the time! As opposed to getting a 12 pack and sitting home alone a social setting makes it more acceptable.

I am also finding that there are people that I never talked to unless I was drunk. They don't understand why I have nothing to say now. I just don't. I can't really explain it but that's the way it is. I actually got a letter from a guy about not answering my phone. I wrote him back and told the truth. I said did you ever notice that I am addicted to alcohol, and that when I was chatting I was drunk? I told him that I am not drinking anymore and yes we can chat but this is how it is.
I may not be as engaging since it is a delusion of his that we have anything going on to talk about.

The truth will set you free-for sure

[Supercrew]

Drinking Thinking

I lived the life for 27 years. Everything was an excuse to drink, and it started early on, going to see the same movie every friday night over and over to get loaded with my friends at 16 years old. I bet you that aside from my friends I am the only person who saw "Running Scared" with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines more than 15 times in the theater. I don't even remember what the movie was about, but I got good and drunk. 27 years of my life were spent planning out bogus things that were excuses to get drunk. Vacations, ball games, weddings, movies, dining out, they were all just excuses for my real event, getting drunk. It is truly sad how many real life events I missed because I was drunk, and I didn't really miss them, because I was there, but I have no recollection because I was loaded. This includes my wedding and the birth of my kids, just excuses to get drunk. I don't have many memories of any important time in my life because they were all witnessed in a drunken fog.

That's why I am making new sober memories daily, so I can remember how good my life is now!

[Struggles 106]

Drinking Thinking

Oh Super-great post!

I'm the same-30 some years. I went through old photographs yesterday and was marvelling at how there really were some good times, captured on film only because I had a good and decent husband who took the pictures.

The awful stuff was not there especially the later years of my marriage. You and I could wallow in regret, but we won't. It does no good and it diminishes the glow of this sober life now.

I have one daughter and after a sober pregnancy as soon as she was born I bought wine. Like you I missed a lot of great stuff with alcohol blurring my vision.

I have a dear close friend who got pregnant years ago, married and they are very happy with 2 grown girls. I remember watching her dancing with her new husband at the reception, very happy, and wondering HOW is she doing that sober? I was always so self-conscious when sober that I had to have the alcohol to "loosen up". I cannot count the times that I was drunk and when I look back only now can I see the look of disgust on others' faces.

Peace to us now; we finally got it!

[MWOLady]

Drinking Thinking

Ann thanks for bringing this topic up. I can relate to the drinking because of self-consciousness - but finally as I near old age I'm thinking - ta heck - they can take me as I am or not. And more and more I find I'm staying home because I really get bored when I'm with friends/neighbours and everyone is drinking. To take a drink so this is all "fun" again is really not something I want to do anymore.

I wish I could get back some of the years I wasted drinking so I'd come across as funny, or smart, or attractive, or cool. What a waste of time when I could have just been who I am.


I'm back to "day 1" starting tomorrow after indulging over the past while - almost made it to three months sober. I have not had any unpleasant times, but still it's time to get back to reality.

[LibraryGirl]

Drinking Thinking

K9Lover;1309203 wrote: MM and Ann,
Oh yes, I remember the "reward" drinks all too well. I'd polish up the house from top to bottom then sit in my nice organized living room and get my drink ON! Fast forward to beer 12 or 13 and I'd decide I didn't like the way the room was arranged, so I'd start moving things around. Drop a lamp and break it. Scoot the couch over (across my toe). Light a fire (because I'm so motivated I'll be up for hours!). Re-hang pictures. Reorganize drawers.
K9

I could have written this!! My friend commented years ago, "You clean up your house so well, and then trash it (after a night of drinking), lol." Or something like that. I remember it, because it was so true. One day after I had cleaned all day at my (then) bf's house, I lit a pretty candle on the back of the piano...fast foward to 2 am and me getting up to get some water (dehydrated)...kitchen filled with smoke, can see flames coming from the living room (where piano is located)...Night ends with firemen, rescuing our two dogs, and us sitting on the lawn crying.:upset:

LG

[Unwasted]

Drinking Thinking

Great Thread Ann - Thanks!

Wow, I can relate to so much here I don't even know where to begin. I absolutely had to make sure I had alcohol available for any occasion. I would always get semi-plastered before I ever showed up at a social function so I'd have something to say, be warm and entertaining, and enjoy others' company. Without alcohol, other people bored me, and I felt like I was boring to them. For the first time ever, I have my priorities straight, this is who I am. If I'm dull, so be it..... I wouldn't trade this for anything......no desire to go back to that life at all. And Ann, you're so right. What a lifesaver to have people here who get it, and when we read someone else's post, it's like reading our biography (except for the cleaning house part :H)! So thankful for all of you!

xx,
UN :lilheart:

[hadit]

Drinking Thinking

Unwasted, You are so correct in what you are saying. Thanks for the post

[FlyAway]

Drinking Thinking

Oh my gosh, yes, yes, and thousand times yes! I'm sitting here nodding my head and thinking yup, that's me, I agree, etc. I can remember when I first got my job 20+ years ago and people thinking I was quiet and reserved. And then I went out with them and drank and got loud and funny and yukked it up. People couldn't believe how funny I could be! I liked the attention and continued drinking so that I could "relax and let my hair down." Alcohol let them see the real me. So I thought.

But now I'm not drinking and I've really got nothing to say every freaking minute of the day and I enjoy being quiet and you know what? This is who I am. It's who I've always been. I've just never been strong enough before to say that I am okay just like I am.