Right before I lost you I printed out a post from a member named 'Tipplerette'. I'm not entirely sure sure why I printed it. Her post just absorbed me. She said nearly everything I have ever thought about myself and my situation: I don't use the the tools like I should; I have so much to be grateful for but endanger it all; I am so sick of myself; I can't do anything consistantly; why can't I get it together...That stuff. The self loathing is spectacular. It is indeed 'amazing that I can brush my teeth every day.' I kept her printed post on my bedroom bookshelf hidden behind my Elton John Bobble Doll for nearly 2 months. When I felt I was going down the tubes I slipt it out and read it sentence for sentence. I have no idea who you are but you are my Kwan. That letter kept me mostly sane and sober the whole time. I hope you are flourishing and happy and brushing your teeth
Anyway I checked in again yesterday, because you know we do do that same thing over and over and over again expecting different results and Voila! OMG! A different result! There you were !!
The complete homepage. RJ's big smile. All the forums. All the headings. All the annoying ads...like you had never left!
I cried all morning and read posts all afternoon. It feels UNBELIEVABLE to be back. It's a tacky cliche but I absolutely did not know what I had until I couldn't have it anymore. I have lurked here with you for years. Since 2007 to be exact. On again off again like a cheap suit. I posted once or twice. Nothing memorable.
But now that I am home-so to speak- I promise not to lurk anymore. I promise to try harder. I promise to stay in touch at least 3X a week even if I have nothing to say. I promise to use the tools. I can't promise not to drink yet but I promise to change the way I try not to drink yet.
I never told you this but you guys are my neighborhood, my people. As my twin daughters would say, you're my BFF's and as Forest Gump would say even I know that's something you can't find around every corner'.
There just aren't any others out there like you who make bearable and often times heartening this misery. I will NEVER leave you again. Talk with you soon. Good night.
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