I feel overwhelmed

[red67]

Some of you may know of my brothers addiction and the problems it has caused himself, his wife and child and our family. He is determined to make everyone's life absolute hell and refuses to admit he has a problem or get any help. He is tormenting his famiy with his drunkedness and ridiculous behavior. What do we do? He will not accept anyone's advice, not friends or family. He wont let anyone live in peace (we dont want anything to do with him while he is drinking). How do you stop someone from trying to put thier misery on you?

It's easy to say dont have anything to do with him. He calls (I dont answer his calls), texts, puts crap on facebook, takes every negative, self destrucing action he can do. He is trying to make his wife and childs life a miserable existance. I honestly hopes he gets arrested or put back in an institution before he hurts someone.

Yes, I was a drunk, a daily drinker til I passed out. But I knew I had a problem and tried for 4 years to find my way out. During all my drinking times I never put anyone thru what my brother is doing. I was a lazy, isolated drunk. He is a stubborn, get in your face, miserable, mean drunk.

Any thoughts?

[dixon]

I feel overwhelmed

I am too..

Once I get drunk , I see everybody a very small creature even police !!. When I am sober people say there are people hardly available in the world like me.I am very co-operative social worker .When fuelled by AL I lose my temper and think I am the lion in the jungle....
So what I am away from my wife and kids but am sure I wont do any physical violence but cant stop verbal ...I am also looking for any ideas to regain my family please !
Dix

[Kradle123]

I feel overwhelmed

I don't have much in the way of advice red I am afraid but will his wife leave him? My mom stayed with my dad who didn't drink but was mean miserable violent sob nonetheless and I know that much of my misery is a result of coping .(or not coping) with allhe put me and my sisters through. My mom did not stop him and to be honest I have more unresolved anger towards here than him.he was an ass but she held us prisoner there with him. And to make it worse my mom was a doctor, had her own money and was greatly loved and respected in the community. She was named woman of the year in 1989... But she kept her wagon hitched to the worst fuck you can imagine.... Just a little bitta here !
Anyway, I just hate to see another child trapped in that.
XXOO

[NoraC]

I feel overwhelmed

Lori - I'm sorry. I wish that I had some advise to give you. Is there anyway that you can get the authorities involved? Is he violent to his family? I hope that you can find some relief from this.

[madmans]

I feel overwhelmed

Most people in the middle of an addiction will not listen to reason coming from others unless they want help but thats a big "unless", i have a brother the same , i have no contact with him and will not have while he still drinks, my life is more important to me that to waste my time trying to help someone who does not want help.
I would also advise his wife and kids to leave him by staying and putting up with all his BS it is enabling and making his life go on as normal, if they leave him to his own devises he will either try to change or drink more , if he drinks more at least they are out of his company.
Not easy to do but if i would want my wife and kids to do the same if was like that with them.

[mama bear]

I feel overwhelmed

I agree Red...can you get the wife and kids away from him??

[Unwasted]

I feel overwhelmed

Red, I had a brother just like what you're describing. He was a mean druggie and my mother enabled him by never kicking him out. He ruined her life and she died prematurely. She had stress-related things, like shingles which came from what he put her through. The only solution is for the people he's affecting to completely remove themselves from him or he'll just continue to ruin their lives. It's not fair, but that's how it is.

When my mother died my sister and I completely removed ourselves from him and he died alone, but at least he didn't take us down with him like he did our mother. Truly tragic but you have to face facts. Only he can want to be better enough to change himself. If he can't do it, I hope that he doesn't ruin any more lives along with his.

Best to you. I truly understand your dilemma. It was a dark cloud over my family for decades.

[imnosaint]

I feel overwhelmed

Here are 12 Steps that help me to detach.

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Good Luck...Its not going to be easy...but It can be done...one day at a Time.

[red67]

I feel overwhelmed

Thanks all for your replies! My SIL is filing for divorce and took out a restraining order against him. He has been ordered out of the house (and was removed by the sheriffs department). Since that has happened he has gotten even worse. I am afraid for my SIL and niece's well being. He is a black out drunk that doesnt know what he is doing. I am going to keep all of this nonsense away from me but I know my SIL and niece cannot. It is going to be hell for them. She knows to call the police if he comes near her or the house. I honestly wish that if he cant be sober and calm that he gets locked up so he cant do any more harm.

Thanks for the 12 steps, I am going to print them out and give my Mom a copy too.

[daisy45]

I feel overwhelmed

Red, I don't know about your area but here we have a place called Womens Aid; it is a refuge. If you feel your sister-in-law and child are in danger, she could go and stay somewhere like that in the initial stages; the most dangerous time for the family is at the start when there is anger and emotions bursting; throw alcohol into the equation and all reason is out the window.
These refuges are great and have seen it all before - I should know - they offer shelter, protection, and ongoing advice......I truly wish a good outcome for all of you...

[K9Lover]

I feel overwhelmed

Oh Red I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I am glad his wife is distancing herself and her daughter from him. Can you help them stay safe through this ordeal? I know there is no reasoning with him at this point, so my only advice is to stay far, far away from him and keep your niece safe. I'll be thinkiing of you!
K9

[stirly-girly]

I feel overwhelmed

red67;1318554 wrote: Thanks all for your replies! My SIL is filing for divorce and took out a restraining order against him. He has been ordered out of the house (and was removed by the sheriffs department). Since that has happened he has gotten even worse. I am afraid for my SIL and niece's well being. He is a black out drunk that doesnt know what he is doing. I am going to keep all of this nonsense away from me but I know my SIL and niece cannot. It is going to be hell for them. She knows to call the police if he comes near her or the house. I honestly wish that if he cant be sober and calm that he gets locked up so he cant do any more harm.

Thanks for the 12 steps, I am going to print them out and give my Mom a copy too.

Red, I am so sorry that your family is going through such a difficult time. Are there any other measures besides a restraining order that can be taken? I remember you saying that he had a gun. Is there any way that you could convince a judge or sheriff or some one in a position of authority to issue a warrant that due to his drunken and erratic behaviour, that the weapon could be seized? I have no idea about the law in your state, I'm just asking. It's the fact that your niece and her mother could be in great danger if he decided to play around with the gun. And a restraining order will not keep him away from them if he's drinking. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, your SIL and niece should go to a shelter until something is resolved. It frightens me to think of what could happen if he got drunk and angry and irrational AND he has a gun. And even if your SIL did call the police if she saw him approaching her, it takes time for them to get to her home. This must be so very hard for all of you. I sincerely hope something is done soon for their protection. The ideal would be if he was institutionalized again.

Sending you virtual strength.

[red67]

I feel overwhelmed

Thank you all again so much. My SIL and niece are up here in Wisconsin right now but they have to drive back to Florida for the court date next week. She is scared to go home even though he cant be there because of the order. My suggestion to her is to stay in a hotel or someone elses property so he wont know where they are. I really am pissed off royally at him for doing this to them. She has taken care of him for 14 years (she makes WAY more money and has always been the one to pay the bills and take care of all the finances). I guess she should have left him so long ago but she loved him and always thought he would get better.

If we could get him locked up we would but it's not that easy nowadays, and we live in Wisconsin and he lives in Florida. I really do hope that if he does anything stupid he will only hurt himself and hopefully get locked up (either jail or institution).

Thank you all again, I feel so bad asking for help since I have not been able to offer much lately. I am staying sober thru all of this. This just reinforces why alcohol and drugs are evil and only bring misery.

I am determined to have a great weekend and I hope you all do too! Lots of :l:l

[imnosaint]

I feel overwhelmed

Fair play to you Red.... Stay Safe....You too have a Great Weekend