Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

[briseus]

I wanted to post this in the general discussion area because I am curious what more "seasoned" abstainers and moderators thought...

I have been given ultimatums from the boyfriend time and time again. Obviously it didn't help because I have gone back time and time again to drinking because; quite frankly - I love the way it makes me feel.......ONLY after 2 drinks...after that I just become a mess. And I hate it.
I know a lot of people quit for loved ones, their spouses, children, parents...but I also hear that you need to quit for yourself.
At the end of the day - I was the first one that admitted to having a problem and tried to find help before the boyfriend really understood the scope of the problem. I have relapsed and he has come home to a messy drunk in the past where he gets angry and I drink more and then abstain for a couple of weeks before going back.

I really do want to quit...I want to do this for myself...but when the boyfriend says "NO drinking" then I want to do it even more. It is so bizarre.
I want to do it for him too, he deserves a sober and loving girlfriend...but most of all I need a clear head...I have so many things I need to work on...I have been dealing with a long history of anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.
My blood pressure has gone up because of the drinking, I have gained a lot of weight, I have lost self-respect and others respect as well but I keep going back to the booze. I don't understand why.

Do I not love those around me? Do I not love myself?

The boyfriend hasn't left me because he says he loves me...but I can't keep doing this to him. No one deserves a drunken a$$hole in their lives 24/7.
That is what I have turned into. I am more mean and am down on myself in general that when I don't drink I am afraid of actually FEELING and dealing with the shitty world and and when I do drink I am happy for an hour or so and then I become ghastly to deal with. I bring up past arguments with anyone, become irritated more easily...

I don't know.

I want to quit for myself.
But do I HAVE to hit a rock bottom?
I don't want to quit because I lost the love of my life...but then what is keeping me from quitting RIGHT NOW?

I don't understand how I got to this point and how this addiction is willing enough to just throw it all away.

Thanks for listening.

-Bri.

[Struggles 106]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

HEY BRI

Most of us have been exactly where you are. I know I have and I'm writing to offer you my humble opinion:
It is simply (though not so simply) alcohol addiction. We can all relate to the first blush of loosy-goosy with a couple of drinks, jokes, stories and fun all around. It's after that when the addiction will not allow you to STOP. Along comes drunkenness with it's accompanying
horrors. Hangovers, blacjouts, headaches, regrets, shame...need I go on?

The bottom line is it will get worse. THere is no doubt about this. Some of us are not "wired" to be responsible drinkers ( if there is such a thing ). We don't have the stop switch to put us in the category of "social drinker". We just don't.
The book Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale is very good is you haven't read it.

As for stopping for someone else, I don't think that works. It has to come from within-the desire and strength and determination to take your life back. As far as reaching your personal "bottom"-who knows where that might be? I will say this-I have onr friend who was appalled that his kids saw him drunk. He quit immediately after years of drinking 6 years ago. Another friend killing 2 people driving drunk, went to jail and is back to drinking.

So it's up to you. This is a great place for support. I apologize for the bleak picture but this is reality. As for moderation-forget about it. It will not work.

I wish you all the strength you need to pursue a sober journey. It's not easy but maybe anything that's worth it isn't easy.

Take care

[mama bear]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Ann is absolutely, without question CORRECT!

[Rags]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Good morning Briseus,
Yep, Anne has said it all.

Mr G., a wonderful member of MWO often directs people to Tool box, which is in Monthly Abstinance. Might be worth a look.

[Struggles 106]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

HEY AGAIN BRI

I have a feeling that you are in a place right now in your own head that is really not too
comfortable. I would guess there's self-doubt,recriminations, and self-loathing.
I struggle to NOT be there as well.
Alcohol makes us do CRAZY shit, unbelievable shit. I have always thought that blackouts were the absolute worst things ever. Now that I know what they are really about they are even more scary. The blackout is a brain response, where the brain is unable to form and retain memories because vital resources are being used to keep you alive and breathing. There is a far more comlicated explanation but basically that's it. Terrifying. One step up from alcohol poisoning? Probably.

I believe that a big part of recovery is to learn to love yourself, just as you are. We tend to have constant negative messages in our heads. I was told as a kid all the time "you should be ashamed" over everything. Consequentally I was ashamed of simply being me. Very damaging.

Believe me whatever you have done when drunk someone here can top it. We are all the same. You are among kindred spirits here.

Take good care of yourself. After all you are the only one you can count on 100%!

[mama bear]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

to add to what Ann said...
I am recovering from being the "sickest" I have been in years
I was diagnosed with gastritis and an ulcer and I know it was brought on by a binge over the weekend.
I have spent 2 days in bed, missed work and been full of self-loathing
The thoughts I had were awful....
- I could be dead
- Someone else could dead
I googled alcohol poisoning and it terrified me
Please think about this....ok???
It is not a happy place to be...and I spent 2 days bawling b/c I was in so much physical pain....
xoxo
Jan

[dixon]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

I am also with ANN, AF for a while would not save our job,relationship,prestige etc..We will start to be a binge hiding from others but how long we can hide ourself from other ? To be a total abstinent is an important.I have also lost every part of life and even family .Tried to be moderate , when I start drinking once my temptation goes on and on until I lost myself.We must be away from a sip.
After loosing all I was suppose to lose my own life thats why now am again in the wagon of AF now committed not to take this poison at all.I have used my body for trial and error purpose many time.Observed myself when am on Al and AF , I found tremendous difference in my thought.Alcohol always made me blaming others but now I can realise all what happened because of me.
Which partner doent want to love his/her partner but seeing always like a dead body , partner also becomes depressive and cant judge to be with and help for longer cause s/he is already depressed because of our behaviour and a depressed person doent deserves happiness.One who doesnot have any happiness cant give happy to others around him/her.
Finally divorce,seperation ,fighting etc...commit suicide ..ono.
Take a burning desire, always think for your life in future .RememberX100 times a day that this poison has no advantage at all.

Looser says it could be possible but very difficult,winners says it is possible but could be difficult.
My strength as well to you ...
Dix

[mama bear]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Excellent Dixon!!!
You sound great!

[DriftyAlison0]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Quitting for others although possible, isn't as easy as with quitting for yourself. It takes willpower to quit, and if you quit for someone else if things with them fall apart your more likely to drink then if you would to quit for yourself. Admitting that you have an issue is the first step. Now its time to get your support system together and set up a plan. Are you wanting to abstain or mod? Most people who mod first does a 30 day af period before attempting a moderation in their drinking. It is not for everyone and most people here can't and/or chooses not to moderate and abstain.

And no you do not have to hit rock bottom. I quit now for a year and I was far from rock bottom. But I knew that if I were to continue drinking, that I would because I was already drinking more experienced drinkers under the table. God only knows what would happen to me in the future if I were to continue to drink. I shiver at the thought and I am so grateful to God and this site for helping me stay sober.

[Supercrew]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

For me ultimatums never worked because I didn't believe my wife would really leave me, and if she finally decided to I figured I could just quit then and win her back. Now I did act on her last ultimatum, but I think my mind was already set on quitting because the damage I was causing to myself and my family.

Now I have read a couple of your past posts and I see that you have been drinking for a relatively short time. I was entrenched in alcohol for 27 years, I was obsessed with it. Alcohol meant happiness to me. My whole life revolved around drinking, every friend, every outing, doing yard work, watching the game. I trained myself for over 20 years that alcohol was my life, and I could never stop at 3 or 4 drinks. I realized I had to look at alcohol like I was allergic to it. I had to change my perception on how I felt about alcohol. Alcohol had to mean pain. I had to change my perception.

It sounds like you are working pretty hard at wiring your brain to believe you love alcohol. You say your 26 and have only been drinking for 3 or 4 years. Why didn't you drink earlier? What changed? What did you do before you started drinking to have fun or blow off steam?

I tried to remember these things for myself, but I started drinking when I was 15 and it lasted 27 years, so my memory wasn't so good, but I did remember that I really cared about my body and I use to work out alot. So the first thing I did was I started working out again and started trying to think the way I thought before I started drinking.

I know I will get blasted for this, but quitting drinking isn't that hard, the key is to change your thoughts about alcohol and believe it is the poison that it is. Most people wouldn't drink poison on purpose, but we have trained ourslves to believe that drinking poison and getting dizzy is a great idea and everyone does it. Well once you start believing that it can and will destroy you and your life, changing your perception isn't that hard. If I all of the sudden found out that I was allergic to bananas, I would quit eating them....even if I love them and they made me feel relaxed.....especially if I knew that I could never eat just one, and if I ate two I would act insane and do stupid shit and insult people and they could kill me at any time because they cause me to lose any good judgement I might have had.

I'm going on 2 years sober, and I don't even think about drinking anymore. I don't need it, I'm allergic.

[mama bear]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Supercrew
I agree 100%. You have to make up your mind....that is the hard part

[briseus]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Thank you everyone for your posts.

Supercrew...why didn't I drink before? I am not sure...I just began drinking to have fun...and then eventually I drank to deal with anxiety and arguments that I had gotten into with people...it was a way for me to "cope" even though it wasn't helping anything at all and the problem was still there when I woke up the next day with a hangover.
I definitely don't want this to get worse...I am not sure why I now feel like I need to have it to have fun when I have had some AF weeks before and it was a great time.
I do agree with you 100% thought that it is all in your head - that you need to change your way of thinking. I have a hard time believing that it is a disease but that is just my opinion.

My issue is a part of me wants to start my day 1 today and then another part wants to drink until Monday where I will quit then.
I am not sure if it is the obsessive compulsive part of me either as there is a bottle of wine in the fridge and I feel like I "need" to drink it...to get it out of here...that makes no sense, I know.

Congratulations on everyones sober time though.

I do have another question...when you decided to quit, did you fight yourself for the first few days?
I find the the first couple of days and the first few weekends are the hardest.
The first day is always met with anxiety and despair.

[mama bear]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

I always have a hard time a few into my quit or unti lI am in a drinking enviroment.
Now that I think of it...diets are always easy for a few too and then I cave....hmmmmmm
Alot of people choose a quit date...I think that is normal.....
and for me..the anxiety and despair are caused by the booze....just food for thought

[KateH1]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

Hi Brisues,

You have certainly been given some powerful and useful information here from others who have some lengthy time AF. I particularly concure with what Ann221, Drifty and Supercrew have shared.

As for me, I had "toyed" with stopping for years before I finally stopped the madness of drinking. No matter how many times I humiliated myself, hurt others and myself, or felt horrible for days after a drinking episode, I would sometimes stop drinking for a few days or even a couple of weeks, only to decide that I "needed or deserved" to drink. Usually I would convince myself that this time I would "Stay in control" and that this time would be different. Of course, the moment I had that first lethal sip....all bets were off and I would loose all control and be back to square one.

In answer to your question. Stopping AL has been the hardest thing that I have ever done! But, also the most life changing and BEST thing that I have ever done. MWO was an enormous help to me. I appreciated others being HONEST and offering advice that truly helped me. There simply is No EASY Way through this and, it takes months and even years to recover. I am into my 5th year of living sober and I would never go back! I no longer see myself as living a "Deprived Life". I rarely think of wanting alcohol, although, on occasion the thought of having just one does cross my mind....(this is addicition!). But, the difference today is that these thoughts pass quite quickly and I am always grateful that I chose to stay sober.

I would say, stop romancing alcohol! Stop thinking that this time your experience will be different! Be brutally Honest with yourself about how AL truly affects your life and Fight the Urges with All Your Might all the while, filling your life with New Ways of Living and fill your Head with New Ways of Thinking!

Be Willing to Listen and Learn from those here that have been through the fire and come out the other side!

Best Wishes to You!
Kate

[Struggles 106]

Ultimatums. Wanting to Quit. Going Back.

GREAT POST KATE

Congratulations on your long sober time! On reflection now I can see that I was thinking that my drinking got worse in later years, but that is reallly not the case. I'm finally remembering some really awful stuff from a long time ago, in my twenties.

Lots of people were nuts then, but I was nuttier than most. It's a bit painful to recall the terrible stuff that I did to myself and others but I have to work through it.

I agree with Super about the perception. It's like, when you think about it rationally-here's this liquid that I can pick up and ingest and then well WHO KNOWS? What a fun ride this might be! I could hurt myself, someone else, wreck my car, jeopardize my job, health , family and everything else that's good! Let the wild rumpus begin!

It's really stupid when you think about it. But addiction is what it is, and the negative consequences sometimes aren't enough. I am watching my sister increase her wine consumption daily, and there is not a ting I can do about it.

Take care everyone.