Found Vodka in daughter's room

[tumadre]

Hey, all-I'm looking for advice. I'm really not sure how strong of a reaction/action I should have...
My 16 year old daughter has a drawer that's usually locked, where I know that she keeps notes, diaries, personal stuff. My glasses broke last night, I went looking for tape, just pulled the drawer open without thinking. She'd forgotten to lock it. I pulled out one large empty Raspberry Vodka bottle, and a half-full pint of regular Vodka...
As she was spending the night at her Grandma's, she hasn't been home yet for me to talk to her about it. We have a very close relationship, and have discussed my drinking/quitting. In the past, she was involved in some innapropriate "conversations" on the computer & phone with guys, and has worked hard on her self-esteem and swears she doesn't do that anymore. But I think it was somewhat addictive, that high she would get from all the attention.
She works in a restaurant with all older people, and is friends with her 19 year old sister's friends, so I'm sure that she could get someone to buy for her. Her sister was having a bit of a drinking problem at the end of high school, and ended up getting raped at a party. You would think she would want to stay away from alcohol! I'm being very naive by writing that sentence. I certainly drank way too much at her age.
So, my husband and I quietly freaked out, and I'm going to have the bottles sitting on the dining room table for her to see as she walks in. Just not sure where to go from there. Ideas range from "talking" to total restriction with AA meetings/counseling. Sorry for all the personal family stuff.
Thank you, anyone, for guidance and advice.
Love,
Tumadre

[lushy]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Wow Tumadre, that must have been hard to find. It is a hard call because I know my mom lectured to me growing up when she could catch me drinking because my dad was an alcoholic but it never stopped me. However, I think if your daughter knows that you are now aware of this and you will be watching her like a hawk might be enough for her to not do it right now at this time in her life. I think AA seems a little extreme at this point. I don't know. It is tough no matter what path you choose. I am just glad you found it before she continued on. I am sorry you have to go through this. Be strong!!

[dilayne]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Hi Tumadre,
So sorry to hear this. Your daughter is 16 and she is a child. I would deal with it very seriously (I have 2 grown daughters and a grown son) regardless of your history or even her sister's. I had a zero tolerance for drugs, cigarettes or alcohol in my house while my kids were growing up (this was after I stopped drinking when they were very young). Unfortunately my older daughter was smoking and hiding it from me, but there was never an alcohol or drug issue with them..I believe because the knew, without a shadow of a doubt that there was zero tolerance. She's young enough to be restricted...the AA meetings is a tough one..I wouldn't immediately assume that she is an alcoholic and would be hesitant about assigning the label to her at an age that she is trying to define who she is...one problem I have with the alcoholic label (especially if one isn't an alcoholic) is that a vulnerable person with low self esteem or lack of a strong sense of self will come to identify themselves under the limited scope of an addict...it can be a devastating thing to have to grow out from under...I would try other avenues first at her tender age. Good luck dear..be strong, clear about tolerance, honest, loving and I'm sure the answers will present themselves when you are both ready for them.
Love,
Dianne

[Guest]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Tumadre, I feel so badly for you; but I don't know if I would put out the bottles for her to see that may just add to the anger and humiliation she will probably feel. My daughter did not have an alcohol problem, her's was a inapporiate email relationship. I suspected something & Had my husband crack into her computer printed the correspondence and showed it to her. Geeez, it wasn't pretty. She said it was one thing to talk to her about it another to rub it in her face. I am most certainley not telling you how to parent. God knows its tough. Just fooed for thought. My support you have.
Mar

[tawnyfrog]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Tumadre,

I am not a parent however I have been a child. Some 40 years later, I still recall the total outrage I felt when I found my mother had snooped and busted into my secret angst-ridden diary - a diary that contained all the silly giggly girly thoughts a 16 year old can harbour.

Maybe a "tallk" without producing the evidence might be more appropriate?

[wwbarb]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Can't help much because I am finding out more and more each moment how much I suck as a parent. If you can still restrict your child and they listen to you, that would be my advise. I am finding that this soft-peddle, pscho-babble bs does nothing but come back and bite you in the ass. If there are no consequences, no lesson is learned. My problem is it is too late to do anything about it - I have created a sixteen year old monster.

Kids are in too much of a hurry to grow up these days. There has to be a price to pay for breaking the rules or they will not be prepared for what is waiting for them out there.

My advise for what it is worth.

[Newyear]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Hi Tumadre- also sorry to hear about this - but it does happen a lot. It did to me. I started drinking at about that age - 15-16. My mother was a single parent at the time ( my father died when I was 10) and she was not well equipped to deal with any behavior problems. So, she basically ignored the problem. Well, she ignored it until one night I came home completely smashed, walked into the kitchen, got out some orange juice and drank from the carton and then dropped the whole thing on the floor. While it glugged out onto the floor I calmly went off to bed to sleep it off. After that she threatned to send me to go live with my grandmother. But nothing happened.
If you are too understanding I think she will just continue to drink and just hide it better the next time.
OF course not everyone is the same. I think if my mother had laid down the law, I would have avoided a lot of the scary/ crazy things I did in high school.

I wish you the best - this has got to be so difficult. :l :l

Lisa

[Bluebell]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

I think the idea of immediate confrontation with the bottles on show would have the effect of building immediate walls of defence and anger from your daughter. Therefore having the consequence of any reasonable discussion and communication and trust jeopardized.

I'm with Fan on this one. Hugs and love and calm discussion rather than angry confrontation. Your daughter hid the bottles so she obviously knows you would not approve so as she knows this already, especially with the past history of her sister, confrontation in a belittling way may turn her even more to alcohol if she doesn't feel "understood" at home. Even though she is 16 she is still floundering between wanting to be a little girl and wanting to be an adult.

When I was involved in a similiar circumstance, my first reaction was to confront and be angry. It got me absolutely nowhere. I now wish I had been more open to try to understand and be there for my daughter rather than point the finger and make her feel worse than she probably already does.

Dilayne also raises a good point about labelling. Children can easily "grow into" their label if they have been told that's what "they are" by an adult, they'll end up believing it must be true, even if that's not necessarily the case.

It is such a delicate situation Tumadre and I wish you the very best and a good outcome for all.

[Accountable for Me]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Tumadre - I agree with both Bluebell and Fan. I think this should be dealt with in a calm manner. You want to keep your relationship based on the openess and trust you already have. Teens are difficult.

Do you think it is possible she is feeling some pain about something and drinking to suppress it? Maybe there is something that is really bothering her. It is best to get to the root of the problem. She is very lucky to have you. Especially considering you know what alcoholism is like and what could happen if she is using alcohol for an escape. Use your wisdom and your love.

All the best.

[narilly]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

I agree with Tumadre, Bluebell, Fan and Accountable. I think the best way to deal with the situation is not by confrontation. I remember being a teenager and that did not help me at all.
Talk to her about what is going on with alcohol. She may not be using it the way you think, and may not be drinking as much as you think- not saying she should be drinking at all- just that it may not be as bad as you think.
Talk to her about your concerns, communication is the key. Maybe it would be good for her to read some posts on our site?

[MKR]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Dear Tumadre,

So many different directions you could take, whew, this one wore me out for you. I am so very sorry you have this hurdle in front of you.

I think the bottle confrontation is not such a great idea. Absentmindedly you went into her private drawer and that in itself will upset her to no end as where in her small world can she have any sense of privacy or control in her life. . .

We use to call my mom Dick Tracy not to her face so I remember the thoughts from a child's point of view. My reaction to all the fights and screaming and trouble my older sister got into was - I really didn't want to go her route and I didn't, I was an exceptional student BUT I also learned a neat little trick which was to YES my parents to death - and go do my own thing.

As a mom, I decided to raise my boys totally different and in a calmer manner than my childhood house had been. It does mean, we would have a conversation sooner rather than later on what's going on in all levels of their lives including parties, drinking and sex too.

Can you open a conversation about some research that you just read about drinking, no need to label it alcoholism and how you are worried about both of your daughters' health due to the fact that this was so hard for your to over come? Ask if she has ever thought about drinking? From her answer you can glean exactly where you stand. Try not to be angry just be there to help advise her in a better direction. She may very well be wondering what this forbidden fruit is and what is the big deal with it. . . or sadly she may be running towards a habit as she is trying to hide from pain.

Can you keep an eye out for behavioral differences that she could have while actively drinking and spot it then? Have the conversation at that point.

I wish you the wisdom and love of all parents through the ages. This is not an easy thing.

Love you,
Mary

[tumadre]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

I just wrote a very long response, and lost it all. I'm still trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me when that happens.
I am, as always, in awe of the wisdom and support I find here. You are all incredibly thoughtful, and obviously have my daughter's best interests at heart.
It is very important to her that she & I have an open, honest and trustworthy relationship. We are very close, and have had discussions about alcohol before. I am, as a mother, very direct, honest and at times, confrontational when need be. It is very difficult to think of "hiding" my knowledge of these bottles. And what would I do? Put them back in the drawer?
Mary, she is very much like you-she's learned a great deal from her older sister and her behaviors. It's kind of a family joke: when the older one was in trouble, she used to slide up to my side and say "I love you, Mommy".
I didn't really think that seriously about sending her to AA, it was an illustration as to how my extreme reactions were. I will hug her and love her, but I know if I leave those bottles out, she will be angry and feel like I snooped. And I have a bit of a history of that (Sorry, Tawny). I get these sixth sense feelings that something is not right-the mother's eye in the back of her head. But this time, I wasn't snooping, and I hope she understands that.
So, we've talked about alcohol, how it's abused and used...I'm just not seeing an in-between here. Maybe we haven't talked about it enough. I am afraid that she's using it to conceal or suppress some sort of emotional pain. She can keep it all inside her very, very well.
Dilayne-Thank you for pointing out the dangers of labels-I work so hard at that concept, yet I could have done that so easily. She's being home-schooled (by me-I told you we were close!) , and part of the reason is because she doesn't learn things as well in a public school setting. There's a "processing" problem sometimes...
Fan-I promise to hug her and love her forever, no matter what. She does need to know that I understand the "pull" alcohol has, and how hard it is sometimes to just want to escape and how easy it is to turn to alcohol. I've had some very open conversations with my 19 y.o. about this very thing, and more-genetics, binge drinking, etc. She's experienced the need to turn it all off, and used pot for it. She's actively working on how else to cope with those feelings. Unfortunately, she's away at college now, on a retreat, and can't help. I know that's one of the problems...She misses her older sister so much, that it is painful to see.
I wish my mother had had the tools and insight to take care of me and set better boundaries when I was a teenager! I look back on it all, and think "How could she not have stopped me?"

[Newyear]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Hey tumadre- I was re reading this thread - and what you just wrote and I had a couple of thoughts. It may not have been that my mother needed to 'lay down the law' - maybe she just needed to address it period. We never ever talked about it. I don't think she really wanted to know what I was doing.
You will do fine with this situation - communication is the key to all of it. Whether or not you ground her or put a gps chip on her or just start watching more...the communication comes first and you are going to do that.
anyway,,,,wanted to add that
Wishing you well-
Lisa

[tumadre]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

Do you realize that you make me feel like a better person? And a really good Mom, no matter what?
THANK YOU, EVERYONE!
I still have no idea how this is going to go, just wanted to tell you that, with tears in my eyes...good tears.
Tumadre

[Java]

Found Vodka in daughter's room

I am 23, so still kinda close to those conversations, although i never had this one with my mom, that i could see being quite tough, but i got caught in other things, smoking...ect....I agree that you should just talk. treat her as an adult. I agree that the bottles should be set aside and not brought out, she would be very embarrased by tht and i think it would harm the relationship. Best advice here I can give from a childs perspective is the hardest thing to deal with is knowing you have disapointed someone you love, let her know what she can do to make it right, but that a trust barrier needs to be mended a bit first. I can remember doing something to disapoint my parents and them not handling it in a good way, and it has stayed with me, i think you are doing great, and just do what your gut is telling you and you can't go wrong.


Victoria