Well….I started here back in September with a 100-day goal, which at the time seemed impossible to me, but I managed to accomplish my goal and then some – about 190 days. I could not have done that without the support I received here. I went on vacation and, as they say, the rest is history. I was controlled and thoughtful and had rules.
BUT….here I am wanting to quit again. WHY? Because the rules change every week and are clearly getting back to old patterns. I don’t drink every day and have never liked anything but beer and wine. BUT…I manage to get back into old habits very quick and I feel like my use is at an excessive level and I want to quit AGAIN. So...last night I had four beers and which is most definitely not a part of my rules for a Monday night irregardless of it being Memorial Day. It is the start of my pattern that puts me in a place I do not want to be in, and told myself I would not get to. I hate that it is AGAIN so.... so..... so.... much! I know lots of you understand. I just know that I need to quit and IT IS HARD to admit that, but I must, so I DO. I have learned many things on my journey and I don't want to give in to the voice of denial. I must admit it in order to move on and learn the lessons that are here for me. I also could go on just the way I have been for the last few weeks and it probably would not be life changing immediately, but I now know that I do not like what alcohol does to me. How it makes me feel and what it stops me from accomplishing. Alcohol is a sneaky, creepy little bastard always up to no good.
I must add that I really do not see this so much as a setback, but as part of the process. I am proud of what I have done, but now know what I truly want and don't want to become. What makes me feel good and what does not. Being sober in the morning is a great feeling and I want that back for good. So my first hangover in a very long time this weekend is the breaking point for me. I told myself that if that ever happened again, I would go to AA. Well....I don't think I'll do that, but you never know? Well you get the picture? I am a work in progress and I love the journey so far. Just don't like eating humble pie too much.
SO….I am here to get some support and give some too. My goal for now is to finish 2012 sober and alcohol free and move forward on other goals that alcohol keeps me from too. Plus..I put in a big garden this year that needs more attention than it got last year if I want to preserve most of it for the winter. And a ton of other things that are just plain done much better in a sober state of mind.
I am not even sure where to post this, but here is where it will be. Thanks for reading this, if you have managed to get thought my babble this far. I have to admit I am extremely scared to post this and admit what happened to me. But it must be done....so I am going to press the button and run off to do some things around the house. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow to post good results. Again, Thanks for your support.
BUT….here I am wanting to quit again. WHY? Because the rules change every week and are clearly getting back to old patterns. I don’t drink every day and have never liked anything but beer and wine. BUT…I manage to get back into old habits very quick and I feel like my use is at an excessive level and I want to quit AGAIN. So...last night I had four beers and which is most definitely not a part of my rules for a Monday night irregardless of it being Memorial Day. It is the start of my pattern that puts me in a place I do not want to be in, and told myself I would not get to. I hate that it is AGAIN so.... so..... so.... much! I know lots of you understand. I just know that I need to quit and IT IS HARD to admit that, but I must, so I DO. I have learned many things on my journey and I don't want to give in to the voice of denial. I must admit it in order to move on and learn the lessons that are here for me. I also could go on just the way I have been for the last few weeks and it probably would not be life changing immediately, but I now know that I do not like what alcohol does to me. How it makes me feel and what it stops me from accomplishing. Alcohol is a sneaky, creepy little bastard always up to no good.
I must add that I really do not see this so much as a setback, but as part of the process. I am proud of what I have done, but now know what I truly want and don't want to become. What makes me feel good and what does not. Being sober in the morning is a great feeling and I want that back for good. So my first hangover in a very long time this weekend is the breaking point for me. I told myself that if that ever happened again, I would go to AA. Well....I don't think I'll do that, but you never know? Well you get the picture? I am a work in progress and I love the journey so far. Just don't like eating humble pie too much.
SO….I am here to get some support and give some too. My goal for now is to finish 2012 sober and alcohol free and move forward on other goals that alcohol keeps me from too. Plus..I put in a big garden this year that needs more attention than it got last year if I want to preserve most of it for the winter. And a ton of other things that are just plain done much better in a sober state of mind.
I am not even sure where to post this, but here is where it will be. Thanks for reading this, if you have managed to get thought my babble this far. I have to admit I am extremely scared to post this and admit what happened to me. But it must be done....so I am going to press the button and run off to do some things around the house. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow to post good results. Again, Thanks for your support.
Comment