Out With The Old In With The New

[Kradle123]

This is actually a very scary Topic/Thread for me to approach because it deals with another big nemisis for me - RELATIONSHIPS. uch:

More than any other of the other choices in my life, the people I have surrounded myself with, associated with were the most critical, the most valuable or the most destructive. And of course so many of them were made or lost because of alcohol- or more to the point, the mindset it created or cemented. I understand that when you seriously start drinking is when you seriously stop maturing so I am somewhere around 25... (not physically, though :upset

So now here I am trying to methodically, despertately re-train my brain, create a new mindset or unlock the one buried for so long and I am ever so slowily seeing people in my life, people that I thought I would be going to the grave with that I am not really wanting to be around that much. Or I am not thinking about as much... or caring about as much...without much difficulty either Some are drinkers. SOme are none drinkers. Some are Family even...

What has promted this (aside form 15 days AF and lots of contemplation) is My dearest friend who is 2 years sober has been drifting further and further away due to her divorce and her insane work schedule and the demands of her situation which are..well frankly indescibably hellish. (That's a whole nother thread! ) Though she works and lives barely 15 minutes a way, I haven't seen her in months. We only talk about her socio-path Ex (Not an exaggeration I am afraid) and her train wreck kids. It was her Dog I had taken in which died. I love her. But We came togther at the start of a war (her divorce) and were carried away on choas and alcohol. Now she is 2 years Sober and I am 2 years better and on my way to complete AF and my mind is shifting. I still love her. She is the most amazing woman I ever met. If She were a guy I would marry her. We are the ying and the yang...

But last night I spoke with her and said, "You know Janet I don't think we can really be called friends any more. I think we are are now 'Phrones' People who only talk and have a relationship on the phone. We can't even go for a walk. We can't even see a movie. ' She asked me to be patient. To be supportive. But there is no end in sight to this, believe me. She has to get up, work all day then drive an hour to where the ex has the boys, Spend a few hours watching their sports games- the father is so crazy driven he forces all the boys to be on several teams all year round and it is Court Orderd...no escape, then drive home to tend the old man she has to live with because she can not afford an apartment...This has gone on for 3 years...No end in sight.
I texted and said I do not want to be a distration anymore. The middle child was commited to a psych ward last month the father has the boys so crazy and she has to be there for them. There is no time for me. Or my Children. My drama. My life right now. She needs to focus for the boys sake. Before they grow up and kill someone... She called and left a voice message on her 15 minute break: 'I dont want that. I love you. Please call me... ' But the truth is. I want that. I am tired. And I am sober.

So am I now a sucky Friend? Am I just as screwed up in my perceptions going out as I was going in? I simply don't know. I know it sounds Sophmoric but I keep hearing that damn Peter Gabriel Song in my head, Salsbury Hill where he sings:

So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Till I thought of what I'd say
And which connection I should cut

So I have some once again come to MWO. To my people Because you have all the stories. All the life experiences which do put my own in such clear perspective and help me sleep so much better at night having helped me make so much better choices these days.
Maybe growing up at last!

Thanks so much all of you who stuck with this long rambling narrative!
:l

[Pink Angel]

Out With The Old In With The New

Thanks for sharing. Life can be so unfair and complicated but we are here for you xx

[nicelife]

Out With The Old In With The New

Hello Kradle,

I think we are different people when we are sober. And, for those of us who manage to get AF time under out belts the real us not only emerges but stays emerged!!! With that comes with different choices about how we want our lives to be and we think more about what is important to us and our sobriety. I have 'friends' who have been left behind because they just don't 'know' the real sober me and couldn't adjust to my sober personality. I don't view it as a loss because my life is filled with things that I soberly determine are important and worthwhile! I used to lurch from one disaster to another because I didn't have enough sober time to make considered choices.

You know Kradle, I figure that friendships should be reciprocal, altruistic, worthwhile experiences. Having said that I can count on one hand the people I truly know as friends. I'm very careful with my concerns and if the people I have in my life make me feel awful most of the time, it just isn't good for the soul.

Remember, you have needs. You might need a shoulder to cry on every now and then. You might take delight at a call in the evenings just to see how you are. You might like an invitation to a movie or a quick walk around the block and a chat. You might need some chicken soup for the soul once in a while?

I had a conversation with one of the friends on my one hand recently!!! It was about the emotional piggy bank that comes with being human. If someone is always taking from your piggy bank and never topping it up it fast runs in the negative!! Same as our real bank accounts. You gotta be prepared to give as well as take. Some of us are givers and takers, and some of us are takers only.

Do you have enough in your emotional piggy bank to always let the takers help themselves?

This is YOUR life and you should feel loved and appreciated by any of the people who are lucky enough to share your time.

I know that I have put a huge amount of effort into being sober, so things in my life can be better, more enjoyable. So that I can see the forest and the trees, to smell and enjoy the prettiness of the roses.

You deserve the best, and YOU make the best choices for YOU.

With much respect and many hugs, Nicey. :h:l

[Kradle123]

Out With The Old In With The New

Nicey I have read your very wise words a dozen times. Thank you so much.

I figure that friendships should be reciprocal, altruistic, worthwhile experiences. Having said that I can count on one hand the people I truly know as friends. I'm very careful with my concerns and if the people I have in my life make me feel awful most of the time, it just isn't good for the soul.

I may have to re-evaluate my hand

Thank you for the insights.
I am not making any decisons or calls tonight and I feel very peaceful with that.

Hugs :l

[nicelife]

Out With The Old In With The New

Sometimes, doing nothing about something that is weighing heavily on us is a powerful thing to do!

Feeling peaceful is good me thinks!!!

:l

[Supercrew]

Out With The Old In With The New

Great posts kradle and nice!

It's funny because the maturity thing is really the first way I described my sobriety. When I got sober I felt that I mentally matured 27 years. With that maturation changes occur abruptly. Now I was lucky because my wife has never drank and this maturity has made us much closer and has made me a better parent. But the maturity has also made me reevaluate everything in my life from my closest friends, my parents my siblings and my career.

It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been super pretty, and fazing out of relationships with friends and family is very hard, but it had to be done. I am having a growth spurt through maturing mentally 27 years and it's exciting and it's rewarding and it's sad and it's great. I don't look as if I am losing people or missing out, I'm just growing on my path to happiness and these things have to happen for me to get there.

It's tough but I am a happier and better person for it.

[Kradle123]

Out With The Old In With The New

Hey nice:
I still am at peace and still have made no calls...don't see the point right now.

Crew...Honestly, I want to be YOU when I grow up eace:

But please tell me that 27 is in dog years. I'd hate to spin that long in the recycle cycle...


I can feel these changes already happening in my head though which is really why I started this thread in the first place- to find guidance and people' s experience like yourself so I could have some lamp light along the way...
one step at a time as they say.

Thanks again,
:l

[Supercrew]

Out With The Old In With The New

I'm 44, but had the mental maturity of a 17 year old when I even thought about drinking. I would blow off everything to drink, including the wife and kids and work. 27 years is a long time to be stuck in the same place be it just mentally or anywhere.

If I couldn't drink I treated it like a 17 year old missing my prom, and I never matured from it. That made me very selfish and it made me believe that my drinking was more important than anything else in life. I was a brat, especially when I didn't get my way.


Now most people didn't see that side of me, but that selfish aspect was always there for 27 years. I never really thought about it until I got sober and realized that the selfishness I showed regarding my addiction and regarding the way I didn't want to give up booze really put the maturity thing in perspective for me.

Ya Know what's weirder than waking up one day and realizing that you have been acting like a 17 year old selfish a-hole for the last 20 some years? Waking up the next day and realizing the depression has lifted and you feel really happy and content. Miracles happen if you let them.

[Kradle123]

Out With The Old In With The New

Hey:

Hope everyone is having a great and peaceful Saturday.
Wanted to update on our Janet whom remeber I love dearly but simply can not tolerate the emotional choas of this neverending divorce to her sociopath Ex...

Okay, So I have struggled and struggled with pulling back from Janet becasue we have been joined at the hip for years. I mean she calls at 6am (I am up because the markets open at 6:30am here on the west Coast) I speak to here before my husband or kids and many time she is the last one I speak to at night so. We also drank a lot together. She got Sober 2 years ago and did it thru rehab and AA (cleary I was clueless about a few things!)

:teeter:

Anyway, The other day I had an Ah Ah momen about my drinking triggers which revolved around the intensity of the emotional stuff for me..even simple conversations if they became 'intense' one way or another, happy or sad glad or mad. Well, cleary Janet is the Mother Lode of all Intense Experiences for me and there is no question that even when we are talking about myself and my kids I want to drink.
But I still can't tell her what I am doing. She has a vague idea bout MWO but no idea about what it really means to me or how I am involving myself now to seriously tackle this Soul Sucking Shit Storm... (sorry. I like aliteration )

I've texted (phones are hard as her's is on and off and she is always busy. She was very loving and doesnt want to seperate but I had to text back and tell her no. That " I would call her when I am in a differen place' I love you, You're my best friend....'
Well, I have heard nothing back and I am Okay wih hat. I have enjoyed being free form having to talk about the crazy EX and the Crazy Kids and the horrible Justice system and currupt Lawyers, work scehdules, games scehdule, on and on and on.
So here I am now and I feel Good and I guess in a strange way I am unclear as WHY I feel Okay.? How do you go fro such intensity to no intensity in basically just a few weeks? It feels almost surreal
I am wondering again if anyone shares this Experience. The stange severig of past people. I dont even feel a need to fill the space...Except maybe to come here that is! :h

Okay This is WAY TO LONG :
Thanks for sticking with it till the end :l
Going out to the fire now to eat S'mores with the munchkins (if there's any left!)

[NoraC]

Out With The Old In With The New

Kradle - I just want to tell you how much I understand. As I have have been walking this road to sobriety (not there yet), I have had to pull back from a friendship. We're still best friends but I wasn't able to be there for every one of her needs anymore. It was hard. It is still hard to remind myself that it is ok for my to have needs. And to realize that some things are triggers for me.
I'm happy that you are doing what YOU need. :l