Why do I not want it enough???

[Byrdlady]

Why do I not want it enough???

These are the stages of grief. Grief, you say??? Yes. The first is denial, then bargaining, then anger and finally, acceptance. I notice that it's the bargaining stage that usually derails would-be quitters. If I just drink on weekends, then maybe I don't have such a problem after all! If I just hold it to 2 drinks...if I this or if I that...this is bargaining. You (or should I say, AL) is putting up a great fight! But if I could look you right in the eyes and say this I surely would....Alcohol ALWAYS win. It's going to win, whether it's now or 20 years from now. I wish I had listened when I was in my late 20's...I saw all the signs then, too....but I didn't listen, I passed them off ...besides, ALL of my coworkers drank as much or more than I did. (this isn't even a valid arguement, just an excuse). You can always find a reason for drinking, and you don't have to look very hard. What takes practice is to find ways to keep yourself from drinking. Get it out of the house. Set yourself up for success! Get your story together on why you aren't drinking and stick with it. Fast forward your life 2 months from now....or 2 years...if you continue down this path, where do you think you will be? Instead...imagine that you have committed to quitting...and you go to your appointment and admit success with your quit! 2 years down the road you will have such a different outlook on AL...and see it for the poison it is! It's just nuts how different life can be without it! IT'S ALL BETTER!

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

Again, so right Byrdie. Bri, the relationship you have with alcohol is the best it's ever going to get. It will NOT improve. You seem unhappy with it now, imagine a year, 5, 10 from now...it will rob you of your self-worth, your money, your time, your happiness, your relationships...it WILL. Don't let it!

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

Everything you guys are saying makes total sense. I understand this.
So why is it so hard to get past even the first day?

I know it is not going to get better - but that little voice is like "okay, well, you now know, so just party it up and start next week"...I know, I know. Everyone does this. Keeps putting it off.
I have recently got three books in the mail on alcoholism. I am eager to read them and start this...I know it won't be this week.
I know, I should dump the wine out tonight and start NOW. I am alone though...it isn't that easy. Not right now.

How did you guys make it the first few days??

[LibraryGirl]

Why do I not want it enough???

Byrdie, excellent posts, and I'll add this. Bri, maybe it's a part of the bargaining that you are doing, but I notice that you want some outside person/force to do this for you. You want someone, SOMETHING to tell you, however irrational it sounds, I'll take this away from you, I'll keep you from harm. NO ONE BUT YOU and you alone can stop abusing alcohol. The counselor will not be the answer, UNLESS YOU DO THE WORK. Your boyfriend will not say the magic words, the people on this forum can do no more than share their own experiences too. All of these things combined can help, but they can only INFORM you. You have to do the work. :l

[Supercrew]

Why do I not want it enough???

briseus;1329798 wrote: Everything you guys are saying makes total sense. I understand this.
So why is it so hard to get past even the first day?

I know it is not going to get better - but that little voice is like "okay, well, you now know, so just party it up and start next week"...I know, I know. Everyone does this. Keeps putting it off.
I have recently got three books in the mail on alcoholism. I am eager to read them and start this...I know it won't be this week.
I know, I should dump the wine out tonight and start NOW. I am alone though...it isn't that easy. Not right now.

How did you guys make it the first few days??

Read my story, I white knuckled basically the first few weeks. It sucks but it's not inpossible. Pretend you have a bet and you will win a million dollars if you don't drink for just tonight. Could you do it?

The fact that you are alone is even more of a reason to quit right now. Lock yourself in a room, watch TV, fall asleep, first night is done and you have one under your belt.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

WHY won't it be this week...or even tonight? Like LG said, the counselor is not going to be some magician that makes you leave his/her office "cured". WHAT are you waiting for? Honestly...aren't you tired of waking up feeling bad again...the cycle will not break itself, YOU must do it!

Are you drinking right now? I know you said it's hard because you are alone....I am alone every night, and no it's not easy, but doable!

[Cat Belle]

Why do I not want it enough???

Wow, byrdlady, your story and my story of the AHA moment are pretty much the same. Only 19 days ago now. God, what a terrible, useless, debilitating feeling to know that this is what I have done to my family. And to think how I must have been viewed through his eyes. I have never hurt as deeply or felt as useless and embarrassed and ashamed. Well 19days later things are on the right track. By no means and far from perfect, but working on it. Just like sobriety, one day at a time. And life is good without AL, but I do still think about.

And you are right on about the bargaining. It's like you read the script from my ongoing conversations, reflections about life before. It's all just so familiar the things you say. Familiar to all of us I would imagine. I think about a wasted life a lot. The things I could have done, been, etc.

It's still very fresh for me, this AF thing. Like I have to protect it or something will happen. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has or feels this way.

Bris, I had many AHA moments. Bargained, negotiated, lied, manipulated and maneuvered my way into that next drink, only to almost lose my husband, well everything. You are bargaining, and your story sounds about like everyone else's. But what will you lose in an effort to keep AL in your life? It could be minor, or it could not. . . .

[Unwasted]

Why do I not want it enough???

Bri,

I was a "low bottom" person too. I never missed work, no DUIs, no huge embarassing moments........just an endless stream of nightly drinking that progressed to about a bottle a night. Some nights weren't even that much. But without fail, the alcohol would wake me up at three in the morning with a dire panicky feeling, heart racing, and the inability to go back to sleep. I'd drag out of bed around 5 and feel wretched the entire day. Every single little movement was painful. I felt sick - just like I had something like the flu, but more in the form of horrible head and body aches without the fever. I would struggle with that feeling until early afternoon. It would start to wear off somewhat. Then, when I started drinking again, around 5 pm, I'd feel good again -- "normal."

I went through this day in and day out for YEARS. I'd have just enough nights where I slept a little longer, so I didn't feel quite as horrible, and I kept going, and going, and going, and going. On a deep level I felt like I was probably making myself fundamentally ill. I could see ending up with cancer. After all, our bodies can't ward off that kind of stress forever.

Finally, I got very sick on a vacation. One night I got some kind of food poisoning and on top of the alcohol, it made for the sickest night I've ever had - complete with bodily things going on that I'll spare you from hearing about.........let me just say words can't describe how horrible it was. My poor, poor body. Then, of course, the next day and night I drank some more. I woke up (yet again surprise) at 3 in the morning after heavy drinking and remember thinking: 'This is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.'

That was it -- finally I hit my bottom. Before those two nights I was a daily drinker who really hadn't experienced anything cataclysmic as a result of my drinking. But the real chaos was the interminable struggle within myself....knowing how I was slowly making myself sick. Taking my healthy body and ruining it. Knowing how many people would give anything to be as healthy as me. Wasting every day while trying to overcome the night before....feeling depressed, anxious. The cycle was mentally making me crazy -- swearing off every morning only to pick up each and every night........for years.

I hope you can be smarter, sooner than I (and many others here) was. The absolute craziness of it all is so simple.........just stop. That's it. White knuckle it for a while...........and then suddenly you'll be on the other side. You won't miss it, you won't obsess over it any more. And you'll be so thankful you finally woke up and saved yourself.

I tried unsuccessfully for a year and a half, but finally did it. So don't think because you've been at it a year that you won't be able to quit. You will. You just have to want it in the worst way and internalize the truth that there is absolutely nothing good about alcohol. It's poison, and it's ruining your life.

Start by reading books about alcohol - people who had drinking problems and went on to have good lives (better, much better) without it.

Read and post here as often as you can.

Change your life drastically - avoid triggers, avoid any place or people that might make you want to drink. Change your routine - leave your house to go exercise somewhere during your witching hour............whatever it takes. Be committed and take your life back. It will be so worth it, and you'll never look back if you can just get some solid time under your belt. Make a plan, stick with it, and take the option of drinking totally off the table.

xx,
UN :lilheart:

[Tipplerette]

Why do I not want it enough???

Unwasted;1330163 wrote: Bri,

I was a "low bottom" person too. I never missed work, no DUIs, no huge embarassing moments........just an endless stream of nightly drinking that progressed to about a bottle a night. Some nights weren't even that much. But without fail, the alcohol would wake me up at three in the morning with a dire panicky feeling, heart racing, and the inability to go back to sleep. I'd drag out of bed around 5 and feel wretched the entire day. Every single little movement was painful. I felt sick - just like I had something like the flu, but more in the form of horrible head and body aches without the fever. I would struggle with that feeling until early afternoon. It would start to wear off somewhat. Then, when I started drinking again, around 5 pm, I'd feel good again -- "normal."

I went through this day in and day out for YEARS. I'd have just enough nights where I slept a little longer, so I didn't feel quite as horrible, and I kept going, and going, and going, and going. On a deep level I felt like I was probably making myself fundamentally ill. I could see ending up with cancer. After all, our bodies can't ward off that kind of stress forever.

Finally, I got very sick on a vacation. One night I got some kind of food poisoning and on top of the alcohol, it made for the sickest night I've ever had - complete with bodily things going on that I'll spare you from hearing about.........let me just say words can't describe how horrible it was. My poor, poor body. Then, of course, the next day and night I drank some more. I woke up (yet again surprise) at 3 in the morning after heavy drinking and remember thinking: 'This is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.'

That was it -- finally I hit my bottom. Before those two nights I was a daily drinker who really hadn't experienced anything cataclysmic as a result of my drinking. But the real chaos was the interminable struggle within myself....knowing how I was slowly making myself sick. Taking my healthy body and ruining it. Knowing how many people would give anything to be as healthy as me. Wasting every day while trying to overcome the night before....feeling depressed, anxious. The cycle was mentally making me crazy -- swearing off every morning only to pick up each and every night........for years.

I hope you can be smarter, sooner than I (and many others here) was. The absolute craziness of it all is so simple.........just stop. That's it. White knuckle it for a while...........and then suddenly you'll be on the other side. You won't miss it, you won't obsess over it any more. And you'll be so thankful you finally woke up and saved yourself.

I tried unsuccessfully for a year and a half, but finally did it. So don't think because you've been at it a year that you won't be able to quit. You will. You just have to want it in the worst way and internalize the truth that there is absolutely nothing good about alcohol. It's poison, and it's ruining your life.

Start by reading books about alcohol - people who had drinking problems and went on to have good lives (better, much better) without it.

Read and post here as often as you can.

Change your life drastically - avoid triggers, avoid any place or people that might make you want to drink. Change your routine - leave your house to go exercise somewhere during your witching hour............whatever it takes. Be committed and take your life back. It will be so worth it, and you'll never look back if you can just get some solid time under your belt. Make a plan, stick with it, and take the option of drinking totally off the table.

xx,
UN :lilheart:

Unwasted, now I know why we connected so well. You, then are me now. I am on day three and as of Monday, I don't drink. I spent too many minutes of this precious life worrying about my health, my intake, my abstinence, my broken promises. It's over. After many attempts, it's over.

Bri, we can do this together. Our drinking patterns are not too different and we both are huge excuse-makers. Let's stop lying to ourselves and get on with this lovely life that we have been given. No more squandering of time, thoughts and health!

[resrchqueen]

Why do I not want it enough???

One of my friends...who has been sober for 4 years said something so eloquent... She said once you have to try to moderate....IT HAS YOU. I think she is right.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

What a great post Unwasted! I could totally identify too...although I had a lot of DRAMA surrounding my drinking, I think it was the 3am jolting awake to anxiety that finally wore me down. I was so tired of it! Then I'd lay there thinking "What am I DOING to myself? To my daughter? Am I really going to slowly commit suicide and leave her?" Because that's what I was doing...killing myself slowly, day by day. I imagined her step-mother helping her into her wedding dress...and then realizing that IF that happens, it's because I did it to MYSELF. I could NOT live with that thought!

Bri - You have to realize that nobody can do this for you...only YOU can do it. When you want it bad enough, you will. I hope it's sooner rather than later for you. Please let us know how you're doing!!!

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

I am sober today so far...

It's true...

I am a huge excuse maker. I rationalize my drinking constantly...

It's also true that I wish someone could take it away from me and that I wouldn't have to struggle with this. I know that I have to do this on my own. I know that instead of blaming myself for my continued drinking, I blame others - all because that is my excuse to keep on drinking every night.

I haven't experienced the 3am panicky feelings...I don't want to. I have bad enough anxiety as is...or maybe I have once or twice. I don't know.
I do know that I hate waking up in the morning and trying to remember what it was exactly that I did the night before. It takes a couple of minutes before I go "Oh yea, I ordered pizza and watched a movie"...weird.

I am not going to drink tonight.
I have an entire bottle of wine in the fridge but it isn't bothering me. Because today I want to be sober. I know that the counsellor can't take my problem away but I have never really talked to anyone face to face about my problems. Never had a plan of attack. Sure I said I had things planned but I never went on and stuck to it because I never "had the time". How stupid does that sound.
I know it's a process, a day at a time...

I know this sounds stupid too but I feel like I can feel my liver...like it's enlarged or something. I know that after a couple years of drinking I don't think I did that much damage to it. Or I might have, I don't know.
My health is what's keeping me away from the bottle tonight.

I went for a walk earlier and watched as the elementary school and high school kids went home...how I was one of them. How they are going home and they aren't going to drink or think of drinking or anything.
They are going to go home, eat, watch TV, play video games, talk, go out for coffee's, do homework, read, relax...
Not only students either...adults are coming home from work and they are doing the same. I don't HAVE to have booze. I just feel like sometimes I want it.

I am doing not too shabby today.
Had pizza for breakfast, salad for lunch, blogged and went for a walk. Now will run out and get groceries, plan dinner, make it...read a book, have tea and grapefruit juice and relax before my guilty pleasure show. Then bed.

Hope everyone is having a lovely sober day so far.

[Supercrew]

Why do I not want it enough???

Great job Bri!!

Positive and planned daily action just for today...then start again tomorrow. I just kept my head down and stuck to the plan and checked into a forum 5-20 times a day to read and posted, and next thing you know 30 days had passed. But you only need to worry about what you are doing right now...and as long as you are sober right now...even if you are checking right now every 15 minutes you will succeed.

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

Thanks Supercrew. It's after 7pm where I am and I am still sober. Plan on going to bed sober too. Definitely am taking it one day at a time.
Tonight I will have some tea with lemon, bubble bath and a good book.

Hope everyone else is having a lovely evening.

[Kradle123]

Why do I not want it enough???

So true so true!
Checking in lots and lots, reading back posts, peoples stories, getting caught up in everyone's day to day caring for one another has been so key to staying AF...
The last few days have flown by! Day 17.
I' m almost at 20 and then it will be one month.

Reading your posts and you journey Bri gives a lot of strength to keep going. You are talking this thing head on and early on in your life. I waited so long. Head in the pervial sand- la la la
Everythings fine on the titanic sort of thing.
:l
You are doing awesome!


Happy bubble bath. :::bath2::