Why do I not want it enough???

[briseus]

I don't get it...
I want sobriety. I really do. I don't want to deal with this feeling of cravings and crap.
But as I sit here and it's inching closer and closer to 5pm it feels like I just can't control myself over alcohol. I mean, I know I can...but why am I ignoring what I really want in my heart and keep giving in to this stupid addictive voice?

I feel like a failure...like a lost cause.

Just in a bad mood right now.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

Oh Bri, I feel for you. I know how hard it is. I still feel the urge to drink sometimes, DESPITE all the crap it has caused in my life. If alcohol were a person, there's no way I would still be "with" that person! I think maybe it's hard for you right now because you haven't experienced too much "bad". I have, so that's what I focus on. All I can say is that if you continue to drink, the BAD will come. Better to quit now. I'm sending you strength!
K9

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

I think that is my problem...that nothing "bad" happened...nothing at all, other then some embarrassing nights out with friends {but who doesn't have some of those sometimes}, black-outs and arguments with the boyfriend.

I don't want anything horrible to happen before I quit drinking.
I know I don't have full blown alcoholism...but it is going to get there if I keep doing what I am doing. I can't believe that I never thought it was really a problem until recently. I mean, who drinks every single night?! How could I be so delusional to think that a lot of people do it? When in all reality they don't.

I don't even know where to begin. How to keep going. Why the idea of drinking and having a lot of fun pops into my head when I say to myself "okay, no drinking tonight"...
I mean, I do have a lot of fun when drinking...but then the next day I over analyze every single thing and wonder why it has such a powerful hold over me.

It is so frustrating.

Thank you for always being here for me K9.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

Only within the last couple of years did mine turn really BAD. Yes, my DUI's were 12 years ago and that should have been bad enough, but I kept going. It's the more recent episodes that really made me re-think what I was doing. I was blacking out every single night. I would have conversations, texts, emails that I had no recollection of typing. And BOY was I turning MEAN!!! I lost a few friends over some of those exchanges. Even more scary was that I had no FEAR of driving after 6-7 beers...I figured I've done it so much, the store is just down the street, I'm not THAT drunk, etc. etc. Then there were the continuous bruises that I talked about earlier. I guess for me, I was ready to quit when I became the middle-aged lady sitting alone drinking every night. It's pathetic, and that's not who I want to be!

[LibraryGirl]

Why do I not want it enough???

I gave up the driving while drinking, or only if I'd had no more than two, lol. The DUI scared the shit out of me, and I never want to go back to the pokey. OMG, the nasty women. However, I continued on drinking for 12 years like K9...it was the culmination of everything for me, rather than one thing. I woke up hungover as hell, couldn't do anything and I started googling, "help with quitting alcohol", and the rest is history.

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

I don't drive so I don't have any issues with drinking and driving.
I don't have issues with the drinking except what I put myself through mentally...the whole point of not being able to say no or stop at 1 or 2...I don't want to keep on going like that. It's so frustrating.
I have been googling and sticking around on forums for almost a year now. It will be a year next month. Ugh.

[Byrdlady]

Why do I not want it enough???

Romancing the Stoned

Ahh...the beauty of this site is to look back at our own words...here are yours:


My name is Briseus and I am 25 going onto 26 and have been drinking for the past 3-4 years...I have been drinking heavily the past year or so...sometimes even in the mornings.
I have tried quitting in the past and had no issues with DTs or any of the sort...even 24 hours of sobriety I am fine. I don't shake or vomit, I just have some anxiety...
I have been reading a lot about people's withdrawals and I think I am thinking WAY too much about it and that is why I am afraid to quit cold turkey again.
Anyways, I did drink about 1.5 to 2 litres a night (sometimes even 2 litres in a day into the night, although not often) of white wine at 12.5%.
I did go and see my Doc yesterday to ask him how I can quit...he did suggest I taper off...first start off minimizing it by a litre each day...
I really don't want to prolong the drinking much longer but I am going to do what is suggested...and in a way, I don't mind, even though I do want to quit (A LOT) because it keeps the anxiety at bay.
I would like to know what you guys thought about tapering and if anyone has succeeded by doing so?
I have been on other forums where it is frowned upon and really, instead of support people tell me that it isn't going to work and that I should just quit cold turkey (even though my doc and addictions counsellor told me to just cut down if I can).

I was just looking for some success stories, wanted to say hi and give you my story.
I really am done with drinking...I am losing self-respect...I gained 50lbs...it is putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend and I have disappointed my family.

But yea, thanks for listening.


Call me crazy, but this person sounds like one of us.
When that reflection is the mirror is looking back at us, it is natural to say to yourself...maybe it wasn't that bad. I hear ya. But let's look at the facts, you are checking out and have been participating in an Alcoholic forum. You are finding it hard to stop drinking....and now you are trying to convince yourself that maybe it wasn't all that bad. As I said earlier today in a post...your relationship today with AL is as good as it's gonna get. And it will get worse, I promise! Once that genie is out of the bottle nobody that I've ever seen on here or in real life can put it back. Here's a good test for you....give us 30 days AF. If this proves to be no problem for you...the time passes and you don't give it another thought, then maybe you don't have a problem. But if you find that time drags, and all your thoughts are consumed with drinking/not drinking...anxiety about drinking...one drink won't hurt....endless mind chatter....you start making rules for yourself....well, you might want to pull up a seat. It sucks...but it is what it is. Commit to 30 days AF. What's the worst that can happen?? Byrdie

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

My last hangover day I had called in sick (again) and I laid in my bed with the covers over my head and cried and cried. I kept having panic attacks. I was SO sick physically but could not sleep. I begged my Higher Power to take this away from me, I could NOT do this to myself and my daughter anymore. Now I'm not saying some miracle happened that day (it didn't)...but that was the day I gave my quitting 100%....instead of the half-assed tries I'd been doing before.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

xPost with Byrdie!

She made some great points! Yep..."normal" drinkers don't think about this as much as we do (probably not at all). If you can breeze through 30 days...that will tell you something.

[Byrdlady]

Why do I not want it enough???

K9, I got down on my knees one night in the bathroom and prayed to God to help me find a way out. Funny, I had forgotten that....even my dog was crying beside me I was sobbing so bad. Something had to give....I was absolutely killing myself, one drink at a time.

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

Believe me, 2 of my 3 dogs were UNDER the covers with me...not sure what was going on...but they were scared, they knew something was UP. The chichuahua on the other hand didn't care. LOL

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

I know I keep romanticizing alcohol.
I can't do 30 days - that is the truth. I tried...and no, even those 2 weeks that I did twice the past 2 months the mind chatter was annoying and wouldn't shut up. I am afraid that this mind chatter will never stop...that I am going to think about booze for the rest of my life...

I got down on my knees a few weeks ago, sobbing asking God to help me...but I went back to the bottle. I don't know why.
I know I am killing myself. I guess I can't do this on my own. I just want to see my counsellor a lot sooner.

I am also obsessive compulsive...so now since there are a few weeks away from the appointment yet I feel like I can "drink until then". How sad is that.
How sad that I rationalize my drinking constantly.

[briseus]

Why do I not want it enough???

And yes, I keep half-assing it too.

How do I know I want it 100%?? I just don't know!!

[ATLThrash]

Why do I not want it enough???

I second and third what Birdie and K9 said. At times in my drinking "career" which was relatively short in the scheme of things ( problem maybe for 2 to 3 years) I might have had a bottle of wine a night -- and while some people drink more-- the amount wad not the issue or how I felt physically. It was how I felt mentally. It got to the point where if I drank anything or nothing I was thinking of it, wondering about if it was an issue-- it was how I felt about drinking and that was the issue. So I decided to just remove that inner turmoil about if and when etc and put the effort into quitting-- I know you can!

[K9Lover]

Why do I not want it enough???

When you want it 100% you will know. How do you describe to someone what being in love is like? You can't, not really. You are, or you aren't, and only YOU know for sure.