Pingu's dilemma

[pingu1997]

Hi to my friends on here and especially to those who have been asking where I've gone. And to the lovely people on the army who have given me laughs and support and even shared a diet coke in Durham market square...
Since I hit my year back in march, things haven't been so easy. I got through the year by setting challenges and loving the high of achieving the next hurdle. Some of it was hard, some of it was fun. It felt really positive in the end not to be drinking. I avoided the situations where I knew I might be tempted and I did loads of exercise and good stuff to distract from picking up that first drink.
Since then Ive struggled at times. Most of the time I'm fine, but then the demons come back into my head and try to persuade me I never really had a problem and that trying again to drink sensibly won't hurt. It is driving me insane. And having cut my Meds in half I am having to deal with all the crap that before I would have just blocked out of my head...
I'm posting this in case anyone else is feeling the same, to know you're not alone.
I wish the voices would piss off and leave for ever. Truth is I'm not happily sober. I am doing it because I have the will power of a rhinos arse and it's that will power which keeps me going.
If I'm honest I can't go on like this. I am tormented by the idea of trying to drink again sensibly even though I could list a thousand reasons why it would be a crap idea. I have read books, and reading doesn't come easy to me, I have given up things in order to give myself more time to work it through. I have had counselling. Talked to people, listened to people, read other peoples stories. And all that finally led me back to aa in the hope of finding this Comfortably sober state...
So being the cynical cow that I am, aa is proving difficult to get into. But I so much want this to work. I can't see another route right now apart from actually giving in and tryin a drink.
So the issue. Well somehow I can't convince myself that I had a problem, hence I can't get over step 1....
So back to the soul searching, reading, talking, listening, reading, until hopefully something helps persuade me that there wash problem and therefore I can do something to make my life better.
So that's why I haven't been around much
Sorry.
Love and purple hugs
P3

[mama bear]

Pingu's dilemma

I don't know what to say except I know how tough this is and I think only time makes a difference

[LibraryGirl]

Pingu's dilemma

pingu, gosh girl. You don't make it sound easy to maintain long term sobriety. Have you not gotten into a routine and lifestyle that doesn't encourage AL? Does your partner drink? Family, friends? I'm wondering why AL is still so prominent in your mind after all this time.

Not that it wouldn't be the same for me...I just don't know. I wish you the strength to continue on your sober path. If you are not happy, look for other things to accomplish in order to bring the satisfaction you seem to be searching for. Just some suggestions as I don't want to pretend to be wise about this. I am not.

In a way, it is an eye-opener to see that even after a year someone is still struggling with the same dilemmas I still face now. I am interested to know what you decide and how things work out for you.

[startingover]

Pingu's dilemma

Hiya Pingupants. I am sorry you are struggling lovie. I can totally understand how you feel, its that stubborn as fuck mindset that keeps you where you are both by tormenting yourself with a drink and keeping you sober. You are fighting an epic battle with yourself.
I dont know what the answer is, but would you be willing to try hypnosis. Maybe you need to give that subconscious a good talking to. I have seen miracles performed with hypnosis and with hypnotic techniques. Might be worth a try?

[stirly-girly]

Pingu's dilemma

pingu1997;1333612 wrote: Hi to my friends on here and especially to those who have been asking where I've gone. And to the lovely people on the army who have given me laughs and support and even shared a diet coke in Durham market square...
Since I hit my year back in march, things haven't been so easy. I got through the year by setting challenges and loving the high of achieving the next hurdle. Some of it was hard, some of it was fun. It felt really positive in the end not to be drinking. I avoided the situations where I knew I might be tempted and I did loads of exercise and good stuff to distract from picking up that first drink.
Since then Ive struggled at times. Most of the time I'm fine, but then the demons come back into my head and try to persuade me I never really had a problem and that trying again to drink sensibly won't hurt. It is driving me insane. And having cut my Meds in half I am having to deal with all the crap that before I would have just blocked out of my head...
I'm posting this in case anyone else is feeling the same, to know you're not alone.
I wish the voices would piss off and leave for ever. Truth is I'm not happily sober. I am doing it because I have the will power of a rhinos arse and it's that will power which keeps me going.
If I'm honest I can't go on like this. I am tormented by the idea of trying to drink again sensibly even though I could list a thousand reasons why it would be a crap idea. I have read books, and reading doesn't come easy to me, I have given up things in order to give myself more time to work it through. I have had counselling. Talked to people, listened to people, read other peoples stories. And all that finally led me back to aa in the hope of finding this Comfortably sober state...
So being the cynical cow that I am, aa is proving difficult to get into. But I so much want this to work. I can't see another route right now apart from actually giving in and tryin a drink.
So the issue. Well somehow I can't convince myself that I had a problem, hence I can't get over step 1....
So back to the soul searching, reading, talking, listening, reading, until hopefully something helps persuade me that there wash problem and therefore I can do something to make my life better.
So that's why I haven't been around much
Sorry.
Love and purple hugs
P3

Hiya Pingu-pants.

First of all, I think that everyone who gives up AL goes through the exact thing that you're going through at some stage. You came here because you felt you had a problem with alcohol and you wanted help. That, to me, says that you did have a problem, you weren't happy drinking as much and as often as you did. You knew something about your relationship with alcohol had changed. I think that for most of us, that's why we're here. Because we used to drink socially and for pleasure, enjoying the slight buzz, then we needed a stronger buzz and then we needed to get drunk. And the social drinking got taken inside and it changed to a daily habit that was pulling us down and robbing us of many things - our health, our relationships, our jobs but most of all, it robbed us of being ourselves.The pleasure was gone but the need was there. We couldn't think of anything else until we were sure we had enough booze in the house to get through the day and night and for those of us who didn't drink all day, the eye on the clock waiting for it to get to the time we could take that first drink and start our slide into oblivion. Is that what you want to go back to? Because, IMHO, after seeing a lot of people who gave into those thoughts of having a drink once in a while, that it didn't work. One drink here and there led to two and then three drinks here and there and soon they were back to drinking every day, as much if not more than before they had stopped drinking. It's a very dangerous experiment to try, again, IMO, because the problem you had with AL didn't go away, you just fought it hard and won. The next time, you might not be so strong. Unfortunately, for most of us, the voices will always be there, sometimes more often, sometimes less often. But they will be there in the back of our minds. That's why we are alcoholics. Because we think of blurring the edges and blocking out the problems with AL. It's the AL thinking trying to get us to pick up that first drink because we are trying to convince ourselves that just one won't hurt. When did you ever, during the last time before you stopped drinking last March, did you ever drink just one drink?
I know you have a special situation with your children and their individual needs and I know it must be damn tough at times to deal with that but over the past 15 months, you did just that and nothing bad happened. Okay, you had a few rough days when you first cut your medications but you realized what you needed to do and got back on track. I just can't see any reason for you to take that first drink, or to try to have a glass or two of wine once in a while with friends or family. You just don't need it, you've proven to yourself that you can live without it and I can't imagine that you were "happy" back then when you were drinking, or else you wouldn't have ended up here looking for help. I hope you can find the way to get through this because you worked so damn hard to get all that sober time under your belt and it would truly be a shame for you to start on that downhill slope again. And as for not being happy sober, my guess is that AL has absolutely nothing at all to do with that - you need to find things to do that you enjoy and that bring you pleasure. Neither a couple of glasses of wine nor a bottle of vodka will make you happy, Pingu. Happiness is elsewhere, it's not in a glass or a bottle. It's inside you. You have to find a way to let it out.:l

Just one thought before I post this. Is there pressure on you from someone in your family or your circle of friends to start having the odd drink? Does someone else feel uncomfortable with you not drinking? Because if they do, it's their problem, not yours. You found the solution to your problem with AL. You got sober.

[hart]

Pingu's dilemma

((Pingu)))

I don't know you, as though I am an old timer I stick these days pretty much in the subs. But your post rings true to me. I too keep thinking I can drink one or two, or socially. And I can't. I also find the world is not suddenly a wonderful place when I stop drinking. I still have depression, I still struggle with feelings of feeling inadequate at times. I still wonder why I am not happier, why I am not where I thought I'd be in life?

But alcohol is not the reason why all this is not true, nor will drinking help. So many very wise people have posted on your thread. (((Mama, Starting, Stirly))) I don't know Library girl but she has been contributing a lot since she came on board and seems very nice too.

Good luck hon.

[JackieClaire]

Pingu's dilemma

Aww Pingupurplepants.

Lovely to see you start this thread. I know we talked about the post year one AF blues. I felt the same. I'd done all the major hurdles like birthdays, BBQs, Christmas, New Year even several trips to the dentist (a big trigger for me) and I honestly thought well I honestly thought 'What Now?'

I'll not lie as some days all I could do was be happy about was waking up without a hangover, but then I remembered why I'd given up alcohol in the first place. Nothing on this planet of ours could ever make me feel as unhappy, tired, ill,ashamed, guilty or unworthy than alcohol did.

I promise you it will get better, it will pass.

One little suggestion I would make is to take a step away from the intense reading on alcohol at the moment and just enjoy being you. The lovely non-drinker that I know and love.

J x
:l

[Cinders]

Pingu's dilemma

P,

I love your post. Honest and not dodging the truth at all. Good on you!!

Having not had as much time sober as you, I can only add something I was told by a counselor of mine in rehab (non-12 Step, btw.)

She said, "Cindi, you will never succeed at staying sober unless you find something in your life that is more important to you than drinking."

Perhaps a next step for you is to find some joy. Something you feel so good about and strongly about that ruining it by drinking is anathema.

I have no recommendations about that as I am, too, trying to find that "thing."

Just a thought, though.

Again, very amazed at the honesty of your post. It is good for people in all stages of achieving sobriety to read this kind of thing. It helps us be prepared for similar feelings in our own journey.

Cindi

[SKendall]

Pingu's dilemma

Pingu, sorry you're still feeling this way. I think all of the other posters have said it all. Could you re-read your posts of wanting to join MWO in the first place? Also, there is a great thread from Windy City Lady about euphoric recall and memory that was very informative.

It must be crap to feel this way and nobody knows your thoughts better than you, even though many here wish they had accomplished what you already have.

Good Luck.

[sunshinedaisies]

Pingu's dilemma

Pingu - that is a scary post - I went 8 months and felt the same. I then broke my foot and was home, bored and decided that one couldn't hurt......... and here I am a year and a half - no, 2 years later back at the beginning again because that one turned into two into three into four....

I too felt like you. I missed AL. Missed the buzz. Life was missing something. BUT I didn't look far enough I have decided in retrospect. I used to meditate and do yoga and that is what I should have turned to - is there anything that you can turn to? PLEASE do not do what I did. DO NOT TRY A DRINK. I did. And look where I am. Back at the beginning - yet again. Please don't go there. If I could turn back the clock, I would change what I did when I was bored that day. I had quit for 8 months - both cigs and AL. And started both again. Heaven only knows what possesed me. Those demon voices that you are hearing? probably.... Pingu - I just say one thing - do not do it......... you will be back to square one........

much love and many hugs,

Sun XXX

[RingingCedars]

Pingu's dilemma

Purple hugs back at you Pingu. You don't have the market on them do you?? JK I'm so sorry you're struggling this past while hun. Lot's of good ideas, thoughts and support here. My only thought really is that perhaps it's such a struggle because you know in your heart that drinking is not going to solve anything. So you are valiantly fighting to be true to yourself (this is a great thing). I think I also agree with JC and you are putting way too much pressure on yourself trying to analyze it. Maybe time to just accept what your true heart really wants and needs and move on to pleasurable things you do want, need and deserve. You're in my thoughts Purple One.:l

[Byrdlady]

Pingu's dilemma

Pingu, I am a year and 5 months sober. I fought my way to this point, and have been very active in the Newbie's Nest all this time. I see first hand those awful first days and months that people endure to get to where we are. I have stayed in the nest to keep myself mindful that it only takes one sip to land right back on my fanny. I have seen people with 9 years, hell, 14 years sober...believing that they could go back to their dear friend, AL, and pick up and have a good relationship with it. Unfortunately, we only get one life, and our past drinking life remembers where we left off. The day you quit drinking was as good as your relationship with AL will ever be. It will only get worse. I believe that the reason you are struggling now is because those thoughts of 'maybe I wasn't so bad' have crept back in. This is Addiction Head (Dick Head, for short). You wouldn't have sought out this place if you weren't one of us. I remember you from when we first started here, and I wish you could go back and read your first posts...if they were like all of ours, we'd have enough of the guilt/shame/remorse that goes with this slow miserable death. The reason you struggle is that you have put AL back into place as a possibility. This is textbook addiction! Remember it will tell you anything to live on!!! If you take AL OUT OF THE PICTURE TOTALLY, you will find peace. I said peace, not necessarily happiness or whatever is missing. I can promise you one thing, whatever's missing isn't AL. Nothing is made better by AL!! Impose a policy of zero tolerance...and then work on the parts that might need filling in....Please don't go down that hell hole again...there is nothing down there but DISPAIR.
Tonight I sit in a hotel room at my company convention. There are 2 small bottles of wine on the minibar. I took the plastic bag that lines the ice bucket and stuck it over the top of them, and I said, 'I'll be DAMNED if you will make me cave in!" I am so proud of myself for having the resolve to not go there. I know what is in the bottom of that hole and you do, too. I have never met one single person on this site or any other, who said they were happy to be drinking again.
I think there are 2 sure signs of alcoholism....the first is thinking that you must quit completely and not being able to. The second is to think you can moderate. Why would you suddenly be able to moderate now when you couldn't before? This is when I knew I must quit and quit for good. I hope you don't give in and throw it all away. Byrdie

[LibraryGirl]

Pingu's dilemma

Byrdie, you bring me to tears. I was reading your post aloud to my bf and couldn't finish it because I got so choked up. Every word you say is the honest to god truth. I struggle as we all do. No matter if it is a day, a week, a month or even years AF, there comes a time that we all have AL thoughts. I think we must accept the fact that it IS going to happen. The "loving" feelings about AL will come back full swing and try to grab us in that cloudy rose-tinted memory. Unfortunately, the real beast will rear it's ugly head and laugh at you in the mirror, after you succumb. Don't let that BASTARD have the last word!!! Remember him in all his UGLINESS, warts and all!!!! Never forget.

Lg

[SAUSAGE]

Pingu's dilemma

Pingu

Please please don't throw your sobriety away, can't really add much to the excellent advice you've already had from others on here, but just wanted to say - see my signature, after over 8 months AF I took a small drink at a party and within days was at the same levels as before ( or worse ) and it took me almost 3 yrs to find the strength to start over again. Now I'm terrified that if I relapse again I don't have the strength for another quit in me.

Do you remember what lead you here in the 1st place. I know you can only search your last 500 posts but if you look at your profile and find threads started by Pingu you will find some from a year ago when you documented your early days and what you hated about drinking, what you'd gained from 3 months sober etc.

Like Byrdie, I spend a lot of time in the Newbies Nest as seeing all those people struggling to get started, unable to step off that terrible hamster wheel at the beginning, is very sobering and stops me being complacent.

I believe the key to succeeding here is winning the gratitude v deprivation battle, you have to be 100% certain in your mind that a life without alcohol is better than one with ( and you don't sound totally convinced to me which is why you ate having this inner battle). Go through your early posts, draw up lists ( write them down) on what you have achieved, what you hated about drinking etc, where you'd go if you start drinking again like before,

Moderation is hell, it doesn't make sense - trying to drink less but constantly craving more, you will end up twisted and tormented at best and back where you started or even worse at worst.

Please please don't throw this away.

[red67]

Pingu's dilemma

Hey my sober buddy, don't stop the AL free journey. We are only 2 days apart in sobriety and yes I still get thoughts of drinking but I play the scene forward. The hangovers, guilt, money spent and everything else negative about drinking. We can not moderate and I think you know that down deep. It's all or nothing and we have too much to lose if we go back to drinking. The battle to finally quit drinking was WAY harder for me than the small battles I have now when I think about drinking. I will take the occasional inner fights over the war to quit anyday.

Keep fighting, I can't speak to your struggles but it has to be better than what the hell of drinking brought you.

Big hugs to you!