Pingu's dilemma

[SKendall]

Pingu's dilemma

Byrdlady. what a true and honest post. I just want to give you a big thank you for giving back so selflessly and completely every day. I think it's admirable that you give back to stay sober. Alcohol became such a large part of our lives that we have to find SOMETHING to take it's place if we still feel unhappy. Also, Lavande, DG, and so many others still come on here to encourage newcomers. I'll have to do a read back to remember everyone - Mom of 3 and sooo many others! I think DOING and GIVING are VERY important for anyone who still feels unfulfilled. Thanks again.

[akaMonique]

Pingu's dilemma

Pingu, you have so many fans and friends here who want what's best for you.

I'm here because one of my fellow nesters asked me to post about my experience. Thank you, LibraryGirl, I feel honored.

Pingu, I came to this site in 2009 knowing that I needed to quit. Absolutely knowing. And now, June 2012, and I have all of 5 weeks AF. I am a textbook case of alcoholism and relapse. I got sober in my late 20s. Got married. Had a child. Worked from home. Worked in a corporation. Traveled. Got divorced. Moved. In other words, lived life sober for 14 years. Ups and downs. My AA sponsor committed suicide. I met the love of my life. I married the love of life. Marriage #2 if you're keeping track. And what, after 14 years made me drink? The love-of-my-life marriage wasn't quite the fairy tale I'd built it up to be. We kept alcohol around the house but he hardly ever drank. I was superficially involved in AA but still had a number of sober friends. So my then-husband was out of town, my son was with his father, and I got some of the most exciting news ever. Great news. My first article was going to be published in the Washington Post. I was so overwhelmed, I was really beside myself. And I decided to celebrate. Just like that. I didn't think what the fuck am I doing. I didn't call one of my sober friends. I didn't call my then-husband. I didn't get out of the house. I Just poured myself a Kahlua and milk, the only thing that was in the house. (ugh.) Then one more. I got a little buzzed but not too much. The next morning I just was in a sort of denial that I had tossed away 14 years of sobriety just like that.

So I didn't tell anyone. I went back to meetings. I didn't keep drinking. At least not right away. But about a year later, the marriage was definitely on the rocks, so to speak.

In fact in was the day of my 2nd anniversary of my 2nd marriage that I realized it was going to end in divorce. We went out to dinner that night and I didn't share this revelation. Instead, I said to my soon-to-be-ex-husband, "I think I"ll have a drink." To which he said, "Great!" and didn't even say, "are you sure?" I didn't start drinking daily right away but it didn't take long.

I also engaged in other alcoholic behavior, like getting a new job and essentially running away with my son to start a new life in a very small town in the Northwest where, believe me, my drinking seemed like church compared to these people. No one knew my past. I could go out and drink and pretend to be "normal."

That was about 7 years ago. I've started and stopped so many times since then I can't give you an accurate count. The longest time was 9 months sober, and again, the trigger that made me drink was wanting to celebrate; I'd done a consulting project for a former employer, the end result of which was a very successful conference and keynote address by the president of the organization, and I was on such a high after working so hard, that back in my hotel room by myself I drank a whole bottle of wine and part of another. Thank you room service!

And in textbook fashion, the periods of sobriety became shorter and shorter, if more frequent. I was spiraling. My son moved to live with his dad three years ago, and says it wasn't because of my drinking. That was a huge blow. I got laid off from my job, actually more recession related than alcohol; at the time I had been one of 18 people in my company selected for an executive MBA program paid for by the company. But then 2008 hit everyone. So I lost the house I had purchased here. But I skied a lot that winter! And went back to freelance writing

I am back to working full-time now for the company that laid me off, but up until five weeks ago, my life had been unraveling. I was suicidally depressed, anxious, but still managing to go to work and function there. Then coming home and drinking 1-2 bottles of wine every night. And staying in my bathrobe all weekend long. And starting to drink in the morning and through the day just to maintain. My hands would shake in the morning. A hangover was a normal state of being. I gained about 30 lbs.

So from having 2 drinks 7 years ago, then starting again a year later, I've spent the last 6 years in and out of alcohol hell. From a bottle a day to sometimes 3.

For the past year or so, I've been so depressed I'd just given in to the drinking. I was never in denial these past 7 years; I just chose to embrace it again. I can't remember if it was Birdie or Sausage ro Lavande who asked, is this how I want to be living my life a year from now? A month from now? In my twisted thinking, I knew there were things I needed to do before I die. Like finish that quilt and photo albums for my son. Clean up my tax mess. I didn't want to leave a pile of shit for someone else to have to clean up.

I thought I had such insurmountable problems. Toward the end I missed 4 days of work in two weeks. One of those days I spent on the phone seeing what rehab options were. Not many as it turned out, in my rural area. But I did find a counseling center and made an appointment.I was still drinking at my first "intake" appointment. And they warned me not to stop for fear of seizures/death until I had my appt with the Dr. to determine the best detox. So I ended up doing a medically supervised outpatient detox for a week, during which I still worked.

And that was May 8. They also adjusted my anti-depressants and put me on Campral.

So all that hot air to say Pingu, it can happen at one year or 14, but we all feel at some point that sobriety ain't all it's cracked up to be. Because life is hard. But drinking is harder. I still have the same problems I had when I was drinking, the ones I was trying to numb out. But they're not nearly so hellish as what I was putting myself through.

My son is visiting me now for a week. We had a party for his high school graduation. I served wine to guests and it didn't bother me. Nor did I feel like I was missing out. I'm so glad he gets to see me healthy and happy and laughing and positive. There is even leftover wine in the house that I haven't touched. Which nester is at the conference staring down those two wine bottles in her room? Sorry I can't leave this post to check the name... It can be done!

OK, I've gone way over my allotment. I didn't mean to tell my whole damn story. I hope it helps. Stay strong and good luck to you!

[LillyE]

Pingu's dilemma

Wow Monique, I just read your story, I'm glad you shared. And I'm so glad you're finding your way back to sobriety. And you're a fellow freelance writer! Or you were anyway. I should have known - only a writer would use semi colons in forum posts Kudos on being published in the Washington Post btw - I'd want to celebrate that day too. What was or is your specialty area? Business perhaps from the sound of it?

Reading posts like this is such a huge help to me right now because there are still those nagging voices at the back of my brain telling me I don't *really* have a problem as I can go out, drink, and still work, have a social life etc. BUT, I know I drink alcoholically - that increased tolerance, inability to stop once I really get going, the black outs, the anxiety, the depression, the horrible hangovers etc. But it's so easy to read other stories here and justify ("well I've never drunk in the morning" etc) and forget that it could, likely is, just leading to that "worse" if I keep going. And maybe the specifics are irrelevant.

Can I share a shameful secret? On my last night in Thailand I went out with friends for drinks. I'd actually been pretty restrained the previous week as a friend was staying with me who is one of those "normal" light drinkers who'll have one or two max and be done. I'd had drinks with her on a number of nights but only ever a couple. So, that night - she had left that morning - I could feel myself swigging down the margaritas really fast right from the first one - as if making up for lost time. I had several at the bar - not sure how many... maybe 4 or 5? But then, when I got home, there was this nasty cheap bottle of tequila in the apartment. Not that I had bought - left over from the previous tenants. And I ended up swilling it straight from the bottle, just wanting "more" - you all know how that feeling, right? God knows how much. Enough that I woke up dimly aware of what I'd done and wondering where that bottle was - had I drunk it all? Found it on the table by my laptop - prayed I hadn't got on my laptop and posted or emailed anything stupid while pissed. Was soooo sick all day. Not just the usual hangover sick but these horrendous stomach cramps every 10 minutes that went on forever - presumably from the gut rot quality of this booze. Almost didn't think I'd be able to make my plane. So, I spent my last day in Thailand - not visiting some final food spots, getting a massage and lounging by the pool as I'd planned, but doubled over in agony in the toilet.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it's the image - there are others but this is the most recent and compelling - that I'm trying to hold in my head when I start to think I can drink "normally" and that alcohol is fun. That's not normal drinking. And it's definitely no fun. And yet those voices still call to me... this is one hell of a devilish addiction sometimes.

I'm going to post this before I get too embarrassed and can't. Like Monique said, if the rambling helps anyone then it's good and it helps me to get it out.

Lilly

[LibraryGirl]

Pingu's dilemma

Thank you for this Monique. Your story is so inspiring. The hell you went through trying to continue drinking, after being successfully sober for so long says it all. It can't be done. Period. I hate to respond to such an eloquent post with a glib, quick comment, but know that it touched me and I believe it will help many.

Lg

[lolab]

Pingu's dilemma

There are some beautiful, inspiring, brutally honest words here that will keep me coming back again and again. "it can happen at one year or 14, but we all feel at some point that sobriety ain't all it's cracked up to be. Because life is hard. But drinking is harder"

I am almost 9 months sober and just a couple of weeks ago, almost had myself convinced I didn't have a problem. I don't know what it was...nothing was different in my life. I just felt an overwhelming need to "have a few" to have that numbness back - that I hate so much. I even drove to the liquor store one day. I haven't been in that wrestling mind state in a long time - I used to actually get in the car a few times a week and have to talk myself out of it. And there's something in that state that makes you feel "urgent" about it. Like "I have to take advantage of this opportunity to go get some alcohol NOW. I told myself the same old lies. I'll just have the bottle here and just have a "little"....but somehow - I turned the corner right before the store and came home. I still wrestled every day for a week or so after that - and now I'm back to being good with sobriety....I think making it through one of these little episodes...phases...might help us learn that they are there? and to recognize it the next time it happens? And say "ah - one of THOSE phases, again...well, it WILL come to an end eventually....I just have to ride it out."

I hope you're doing ok....:l

[mama bear]

Pingu's dilemma

what lovely, powerful posts here..
I am inspired and in awe....
wow.....

[Wagoneer]

Pingu's dilemma

Amazing posts. Exactly what I need. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[RingingCedars]

Pingu's dilemma

Throwing in my gratitude too and best wishes to all.

[SKendall]

Pingu's dilemma

Yes, they are definitely thought-giving and tear-worthy. Thank you Monique for that lovely post, I don't read the Newbie's Nest as often as I should. Will take a peek over there right now. We all need to be reminded often of the perils of picking up again and the joy of being sober.

[Kradle123]

Pingu's dilemma

Yes, These Post are incredible.

I am putting the entire Thread in to My Favorites so I dont loose it . :flower:

[Nelz]

Pingu's dilemma

Wow Pingy, this hits ohhhhh so close to home for me.

I remember back when you were closing in on your one year AF time, thinking Holy Cow, how cool that must feel to be bearing down on such a remarkable achievement.

Then I saw your post in effect saying...........Now what?

I had a hard time understanding how that thought could even be crossing your mind after how hard/long of a fight it must have been. But, shortly after my one year AF, I too fell prey to the What Now?

The way I see it, staying AF is MUCH MUCH easier when you have a goal in mind. I guess you and I are in the same boat, because I dont really see another goal. The entire rest of my existence on this planet just seems too far away.

I am seemingly flooded with the desire to drink.....to moderate.....maybe to get a little buzz on once in a while. For the life of me, I dont know why the hell its happening. Its very frustrating to have battled for so long, and now only to have the temptation seem even stronger.

I know we have chatted before and you had some avenues you were going to explore, I hope they helped a little for you.

As for me, I havent really been around much, because I am in such a crossroads. I didnt feel qualified to come in and dispense any advice at my current condition.

Thanks to the ones that PM'd me, and asked if I was OK, I guess the answer is...for the most part yes, but I wish it was different.

So Pingy, I wish us both, hell, I wish us all, each and everyone of us on here, the strength needed to continue this battle.

Here's to another year AF!!!!

[RingingCedars]

Pingu's dilemma

Good to see you Nelz! And you know what, maybe being here is precisely what you need to do expressing your honesty and asking for support. Seems that men in particular want to bone up(tee hee) but they can be soft too(nother tee hee). It's ok! Your encouragement and sense of humour is needed here as much as you need MWO. xo

[LibraryGirl]

Pingu's dilemma

I agree RC. Nelz, I believe sometimes it is in the helping of others that we help ourselves the most. So, continue to come here with your experience and your honesty. We need people like you in our corner. Maybe that is why some people choose to be sponsors at AA, so they have to be accountable. I'm counting on you!:l

Lg