OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

[gabby]

Geeze....I dont know where to start except for this could get long. First of all I gotta say I still havent drank. But its only cuz a the topa. I prefer to see myself as a strong person and hate to start this thread. But right now I am just so down.

My damm ex who I hate and wish would drop dead right now is just killin me. So much is goin on right now still with the divorce settlement but bottom line none of it matters but one thing. He is turnin my sons against me. He is so manipulative, verbally and emotionally abuseive that I cant believe it. I am so angry with myself for waiting to long - tryin stickin it out in the marriage for the kids. I should'a done it so much eariler. It would have spared the kids and myself of so much torment. I am so worried that my older sons have learned the same behavior and will end up being abusers too. Especially now that I see them supporting his behavior. And believein his twisted up stories that is turnin me into the bad guy. Stories that would take me to long to share but believe me.....it isnt pretty.

But weird stuff like this: We have been divorced now for a year and a half. Now that I started dating (finally....trying to trust men again.....really putting myself out there) he is saying to the boys and a lot of people that I agreed not to ever date! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!!! He is actually saying that we were working on getting back together and even having sex. (oh God....I'm gonna barf) We hadnt had sex for at least 3 years before he moved out. I even moved into my own bedroom! And certainly I didnt go near him after he moved out. Which is goin on 2 years now. But he has my kids and some people believing this. So my sons are callin me a slut and sayin that I picked sex over them. Two of them are livin with him and not speakin to me.
I never cheated on him during the marriage - 21 years (tho I wanted to) I am not braggin on myself here but I am attractive and often got attention from men. I had plenty of opportunity for affairs or whatever but I never did that. I feel more like a saint then a slut. Puttin up with that abuser - him knockin me down constantly and stayin respectful at the same time.

So now he is tryin to re-do the divorce decree and take things away from me. He threatens me nearly every day. The story goes on and on. Yes I have my attorney workin on this but its not like I have the money to fight it for long. I dont care if I end up with out a penny, but my heart is breakin to hear my sons harsh words.

To think I tried to protect them for so long from their fathers abuse - in the wrong way I know....but still. All it got me was here. Being a recovering alcoholic and the boys learned the same behavior and I am some how the bad guy.

I really dont believe on workin on your marriage for long. Not when there is abuse issues. It just sets you up for a ton of crap. I think when you see the writing on the wall.....bail.

I am so mad for allowing myself to get in this situation. I have seen it happen over and over. I just dont know why I couldnt have been smarter for myself. Its not the advise I gave others. So why did I not listen to it myself. I know it was just fallin to the trap of havin the kids and just hopeing things would work out. dumb dumb dumb.

All that has happend is time passed and everything is much worse. One of the things I feel worst about is helping create future abusers in my older sons. Cuz I didnt stop it eariler. I knew it and I saw it.....and I didnt do anything. With the exception of be stupid and drink beer. I think marriage should be illegel and husbands should be banned. I am so mad at me for being stupid for so long.

I should have never trusted things would get better. And now I am payin the price for it. I am not drinking guys...I say that as I take a huge deep breath and sigh....but I am hurting. And I hate men. :upset:

[lushy]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby, my heart is just breaking for you. I am so sorry. It sounds like it is hard to set the lies straight that your ex is spewing. He sounds like pure evil and he is doing your sons a complete disservice, while at the same time ripping your heart out. You cannot change what has happened and I guess all you can do is continue to hold your head up high, explain to your boys how their dads stories are wrong (if they are willing to listen) and continue on with your sobriety. It says a lot about you that you have not allowed this to bring you to drinking again. I wish there was something we could do to get through to your ex. People like him make my blood boil. Sending you hugs, and I hope somehow it gets better for you.

[AAthlete]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Geez Gabby, now you've got me hating myself!

Okay, all joking aside, I am truly sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. I grew up with an verbally abusive father, and know that my mother stuck it out for the same reason as you - for the kids. But as her and I have discussed many times, nothing good can come out of constantly reflecting on the past.

Did things turn out the way you hoped they would? Of course not.... If you had it to do all over again, would you? Of course you would.... But, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20 - and you need to remember that you were doing what you thought was best for your family. If you got a life do-over, you'd do the exact same thing - what you thought was best for your family.....

Life has a funny way of working itself out, and I hope and pray that some day you'll be able to look back on this with that 20/20 vision and realize that you were doing the best that you could - just like always. It's too bad that your husband is behaving the way he is. He is so blind to what he is doing - which is ultimately hurting the kids. He sounds so filled with anger that he is willing to sacrifice their mental health just to get back at you, and for that I am truly sad.

Wishing you nothing but the best.....

[southernbelle47]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

{{{Gabby}}}

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If it helps any, a therapist I spoke with about my daughters x and her boys said that her own sons blamed her for her divorce from their father. BUT........... after they were grown, they came back around and told her how wrong they were to believe their dad's stories and said they were sorry.

Hold on to the success and great strides you have made. In the long run they will be able to know the truth....
You already know the Truth!! Stay strong! You can do this!

When it gets bad , go into your room and pour it all out on your knees.
You are not alone....and never will be.

:l Nancy:l

[dilayne]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby, so sorry to hear of your plight. I am a huge advocate for working on your marriage..but agree with you totally that there are exceptions, and abuse is the big one, and honestly addiction is the other...at some point, you have to love yourself enough to remove yourself from that hell. I don't know how old the boys are, but I do hope that you'll be able to find a way to lovingly tell them the truth..I understand not wanting to talk bad abou t the father, but there must be a way to tell 'your story' in an irresistable way..if not now, then later when the fires have simmered. You have your family are being lifted in prayer dear!
Dianne

[dilayne]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

...know that you and your family are lifted in prayer (((X0X)))

[Mrs Macks]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby i wish i could give you a big big HUG, sending you these instead :l :l :l

Love you lots Lisa xx

[Hawk]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Oh Gabby. What a mess. What an a--hole. I can only echo what others have said. I'm proud of you for not drinking through this mess. You are strong and deserve so much better. I do believe in the whole karma thing. He will get his - sooner or later. Saying prayers for you and the kids.

[Deniselb]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby,
My heart and thoughts go out to you...
I am so amazed at your strength. The most important thing to remember is that you did get out. Let go of the guilt and focus on the positive changes you've made in your life and the amazing inner strength you possess.

Hugs and support your way!

[Rocky]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby

So sorry you are in such mental pain right now. Divorces, especially where kids are involved are so very painful. You made that decision for the kids beifit...at the end of the day that is the right decision no matter who or how it is twisted it is the right decision.

As the kids have their own relationships they will learn there is always two sides to any story or accusation. Remind them as you have chances that you love them and that there are two sides, and that bitterness or pain or hate makes people distort things to make themselves look good (their dad in this case)...

My x-Wife did this to me, especially to my boys, and eventually after watching their mother manipulate and distort other situations, that they knew the facts about, they came to realize the truth as it related to me.

My youngest at 21 (at the time) told me this, 4 months before he was killed in an auto accident.

I'm so glad he came to know how much I had missed him and loved him. We hugged a lot that day. But this was only after many years of pain on my part.

Gabby doing what needs to be done for them is always right they will learn the truth in this life or the next.

Best wishes and prayers to you!

[Guest]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby, I feel for you, I grew up with a Mom that toughed it out for the sake of her kids. I wished she hadn't. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a very abusive man. This is the pattern of these abusers they want to have other people to hate you so they can feel better about themselves .My ex would call my Mom my friends and try to turn them against me while I was the one walking around with the black eye. How old are your boys? Are they of the age to recognize reason? I mean did anyone actually ever expect you to live the rest of your live alone? You are a young attractive woman. I dosen't make sense that you would agree not to date or to live without any companionship. Don't drive yourself crazy with this. Talk to you boys explain your position,They may just be trying to please "Dad" All the best
Mar

[irishlady]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Dearest Gabby, There are times when life is nothing but a bitch, and this sounds like one of them for you...You have already proved to yourself how strong you are by not giving in and having a drink... Draw on that strength now to see you through this horrible time....

I don't know your story very well, but I wondered if perhaps your ex is jealous of you, jealous of the strength you have shown both by giving up drinking and getting rid of him????

Don't worry about your boys, as someone here has said, keep your dignity and hold your head high, you know what you have done and also what you haven't done....In time they will come to realise just how much you love them, you have proved that already by putting up with an abusive marriage for their sakes.... Just keep the door open for them and they will come back...Also, it goes without saying, you always have all of us here... When I first joined MWO, for me it was all about alcohol and how to stop drinking, but this place is so much more, this place is a family unit, its what a family should be like, and as a family we will support you, so, don't forget, when it starts to get heavy again please let us carry a bit of the load...

Take care, Love from Louise xxx

[Wynot]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

I wish I could be as eloguent as all the folks who've already posted. Just know that my heart goes out to you. Stay strong. :h

[gabby]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Thanks guys for tryin to make me feel better. Actually it does.

He is damaging the kids. I just hate him for doin that. Lushie - no they wont even talk to me.

AA - you did make me laugh. Hey...at least I still have my sense of humor. And ya your right. If I had it to do all over again I would probably do a lot of things the same. I didn't work and stayed home with the boys much of their younger years. Seems like I breast-fed forever and did the whole stay home mom thing. Of course my ex wanted that too. Now I see its wasn't necessarily for the kids - but yet anther control thing. Barefoot and pregnant as the sayin goes. Which now has contributed to my hardship but especially considering whats goin on now - when I look back I wouldn't trade those years for anything. I hope those bonding years prevail. When I did nothing but being at home nurturing them every second of the day. I feel like I loved them so unconditionally. And right up through their teen years. My oldest is 17, then 15 and my youngest is 13. He stays with me. Doesn't seem to buy into all this crap. Funny huh? the youngest is the healthiest??? But that would prove my point of stayin to long. More time for contamination does the damage. I think my older sons also feel so sorry for their dad. Pity is icky tho. But I feel like I was always there to listen anytime they had a problem of any kind. When their dad just yelled all the time. Yet still they support him and lash out at me. I don't get it.
I hope for your sake that you aren't like your dad at all. Be careful. I think that stuff can stay hidden maybe until you are in adult love relationships yourself. Stay on your recovery path. It will show you more then drinkin moderation or abstinence or which ever you are after. It can help you have a healthy heart and mind. I mean healthy heart like in good heart for people. I do thank you for your kind words.

Nanc, I sure hope your right on they will see things later. I'm holdin on to that thought. And prayin a bunch. I hope God is listenin.

Dilayne, man.....I am doin my best not to bash dad to the boys. Good thing they don't want to talk to me I guess cuz it sure is hard to not defend myself. And thanks....please keep on prayin for me and the boys. As mad as I am at my icky ex....I actually even prayed for him too.

Lisa, thanks for the hugs....I know you and Macks are my good buds. Love ya...

Thanks Hawk and Denise for your supportive words too. I really need it now....that's why I posted. I really don't do this much. Seems like I would rather support others then show my own weaknesses.

[sammys]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Holy crap, some people when getting divorce say really rotten things about the other person. I think even though he no longer lives with you he thinks he still can control you and the sad thing he is. If you let him get to you he is still controlling you. I was once given the best piece of advice I have ever got and that was to wake up in the morning and say to myself he will not control me today, I will not let him. Each day got easier from then on.

Love ya!! I know its not an easy thing your going through.

Sammys