OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

[gabby]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Rocky, you and AA are bein so cool - for you guys I take back the men suck stuff.

Ya know usually it is the women that do the bashing thing. It seems anyway. My mom did that too. I think that's why I swore I wouldn't do it. I haven't been perfect but a FAR cry from mean him.
I am so sorry to hear your story about your son. That is so sad. I fear something like that happening. Wish I wouldn't think those things. I am glad you got to make amends with him. Thank you for your prayers too.

Simey, my boys are 17, 15 and 13. My 13 yr old is still ok. (for now) My two older ones wont talk to me. Which may be for the best. I think they are trying to please dad but also believe him too. Thank you too.

Thanks Irishlady for reminding me too how wonderful MWO is. I know...I do need to lean a little more on you folks here. I dont share with my peeps around me much cuz I hate to add to the bashing and also am embarrassed of the whole mess. thanks for your support.

Thanks Wynot and Sammys. You are right. He is a control freak. And I know.....I am letting him get to me. I know. Feelin worn down tho. You know how it becomes a conditioned response after time. I keep on workin on that.

[Accountable for Me]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby, he obviously cannot stand seeing your new profound strength and happiness. It is literally driving him mental. Here was once a man who controlled you, abused you, and you stuck it out for the sake of your children. You never strayed, you were always 'hoping' things would get better. You cannot blame yourself for seeing abusive ways in your children. This is their father's fault. You did what you had to do. Gosh, we aren't perfect and once we are beaten down enough, who can think clearly? This is why there are way too many domestic crimes committed. These women (and men) are so beaten down emotionally, they don't leave. Do not blame yourself. The only thing you can do is let your kids know how much you love them. Just keep showing them how strong you are and keep telling them what their father says about you is just garbage.

It takes so much strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship Gabby.

It is always terribly sad seeing the kids paying the price through a divorce. You MUST stay strong. Obviously this man will never be healthy enough to be a responsible parent emotionally to these kids. He will twist everything and manipulate them......... but know.......... if you stick to your guns, and stay strong and reassure your children you are not this person their father paints you out to be, there will always be some room for them to see your side of it all. Maybe not now, but they will. And they will speak to you again. Don't give up your sobriety or your newly wonderful relationship for the sake of your ex. This is what he wants you to do. This way he can relinquish the control again. Jelousy to this degree is so ugly and destructive. Don't let him destroy everything you have worked for.

Stay strong!!!:h

[gabby]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Oh Accountable......thank you thank you. Your right - you are so right.

[MKR]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby dear. WOW!!! what an inspiration you are to all of us. Staying strong through such a killer set of triggers!! My hat is off to you!

Ditto to just about everything that was said here. Stay to the higher ground and his karma is gonna come back and bit him in the A**! I am sure of it.

Kids will figure it out sooner than later and leading a great role model life - they will figure it out even quicker than you would imagine. I would not even try to defend myself. I would not even acknowledge that negative energy.

Still parenting can be the toughest job you will ever LOVE!

[gabby]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Thanks MKR,
Keeping my sobriety has been difficult. At times extreamly so. Sometimes I dont know how I have done it and still want to toss it aside. I will say my new friend has been a huge support. Glad I have him. I am thankful for the things that do keep me goin. Even tho I dont know what they all are sometimes. Confusing huh?

[YoungAtHeart]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Boy what an *sshole!!! Gabby, it's hard to believe that any ADULT would believe that you had agreed not to date.

Your ex is a complete idiot, and the best way to deal with him is legally. If you keep a cool head and don't try to argue with the boys, they will realize in time how manipulative their father is. I have seen it time and again. It will take time, but if he keeps up the way he does, and you continue to act in a reasonable and adult manner, they will get it--trust me. It will take time.

My cousin went through this 10 years ago with her ex-husband. She is remarried now to a great guy, and she and her kids are really tight, but it was very touchy there for a while. Her ex was verbally and physically abusive (the kids WITNESSED THIS!!!), and he STILL managed to turn two of the three kids against her for a few years (but they were younger then, and it was the boys that he turned against her for a time).

Keep your head up Gabby. What goes around comes around, and he will ultimately lose the kids' respect for this game he is playing with their affections.

Lots of love,
Kathy

[wwbarb]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby, I think I was married to him! What a jerk (you may trade that in for another name).

Keep in mind too that your boys, deep down inside, know that they have your unconditional love and trust that you will always be there no matter what. They can afford to be mean to you and hurt you - they can always come back and you will take them back into your heart. That is what parents do when they truly love their children - they take them back into their stomped-on hearts. They don't know that about their dad, so they have to give him more than they give you.

Parents like our ex-husbands and some of the ex-wifes referred to here use their children as bargaining chips to destroy property that has been taken away from them (us). The children are also their property, an extention of them, not individuals that we are trying to nurture.

It sucks - I am so sorry you have to go through this. Maybe your youngest can somehow reach them. Just know that, it will take time, but they will come through. Your ex will do or say something so outrageous that they can't possibly buy into his crap anymore. That is what finally happened in my case.

Stay strong - we're here for you. If drinking would solve this, I would tell you to have at it. But you know it would only make it worse. Be kind to your honey and take solace in him. Don't let this ruin the lovely thing you two have.

:l :l

Barb

[Rags]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby,
My heart goes out to you.
There is little I can say that all the other wonderful people haven't already said.
It must be a dreadful time for you. Hopefully when your children are older they will see the situation as it really was. Words only have the power that we give them. Please try not to take to heart the hurtful things your kids are saying.
Please have the inner confidence to know that things will work out.
You have wonderful deep reserves of power to draw on.
And we're here to help however we can.

Thinking of you,
Rags/Fran

[gabby]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Thanks Kathy, Barb and Fran
Damm its been such a hard day. I feel so worn out. I know all this is just nuts. Wish I wasnt feelin like I WAS nuts. Sometimes I actually feel like this IS my fault. I'll be glad when the next court stuff is over. I hope the karma stuff really works. And Kath.....hope your right about the kids.

[gldngal]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Hi Gabby

Hi Gabby - I am so sorry that you are having such a down time of it today. I was in the same situation that you are in now. Just keep on moving forward - don't let him pull your chain to get you to stress because that is what he wants.
Just like I tell my children - things usually work out for the best so stay strong!

Big cyber hug to you Gabby,

Cheryl

[YoungAtHeart]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabbs, Barb said it best, I think. She's absolutely right. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY, EITHER!!!

[Lou]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Hey Gabbs...no you are not crazy...this guy sounds like a complete ass hole and hopefully as your boys grow they will realise this...he is a complete s**t for putting them and you in this position in the first place nobody should use kids as pawns in a break up ...what is it??? a case of "if i cant have her then no none will"!! be strong sweet heart you haven't done anything wrong and that is what will prevail...it may take time and it prob wont be easy but please don't let that SOB ruin you...you've come too far. I know its hard but against his lies your honesty will win eventually...its prob gonna be tough but you'll get your rewards I'm sure of it. Try and keep positive honey...don't let him win.
You know were all here for you whenever you need us x x x

[KatieSmiles]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby
I don't type well so bear with me if i sound abrupt
I am going through a breakup myself (23 yrs)... he (your ex) is pushing your buttons.....he knows where they are (your kids ).
Don't allow him the pleasure of getting to you. You must be strong enough to not bite his bait even if it comes through the voices of your children..you must tell them that daddy is mistaken...period. You do not need to defend or explain yourself to anyone..you have done nothing wrong.

Big hugs
Katie

[I Like Brandy]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Gabby;

My prayers are with you. I have an ex-hubby, I know how manipulative they can be. Abs 8 months and going strong is HUGE! You have alot to be proud of yourself for....

Hang in there for all of us that have people that we must deal with (ex husbands and wives)...

PS...IMAGINE DROPPING ALL OF THEM IN ONE BIG DITCH AND SETTING IT ON FIRE...

:l Brandy:h

[vinophile]

OK.....HAVIN A ROUGH TIME

Oh Gabby dear!!!!! My heart goes out to you.
You are just a gem and don't forget it!!!
Could it be that your ex is jealous of your new boyfriend???? My best friend's husband left her for another woman and she tool care of her 2 small children alone. After FIVE years of him living with another woman my friend started divorce proceedings. She then met a man and started to date. Do you know that he now says he doesn't want to get divorced and wants to reconcile to be a "family". He left for the other woman when his kids were 3months and 2yrs and now he wants to be a family. He's also calling my friend a whore. It's all because another man is on the horizon. Perhaps this is not the same case for you but I do see similarities.

As far as the kids are concerned I think it's very common for them to jump sides during a divorce. You know I have three teenage boys about the same age and my feeling is they (like dogs) will go with the person holding the biggest cookie. They are not really deep thinking at this age. They are temporarily going with the guy whose offering them the biggest reward at the moment. Just, if possible, when dealing with them use the high road. They'll remember it.
Also remember, teens can say really hurtfull things. Put on your armour!!!!! I have no doubt that if my husband and I were to divorce that my kids, at one point or another, would chose to be on hise "side"
It doesn't mean they don't love you.They are probably testing out how much they can manipulate your ex. For now , they can probably manipulate him more than they can manipulate you so.....chose dad for now.
Sorry I have such a cynical opinion of teenage boys but I'm surrounded by them and believe me .... I KNOW THE ENEMY!!!!

Seriously Gabby, you have been so strong and you have been so supportive to everyone on this site. I admire your strength and have for many months.You will get through this.
Hugs,
Janet