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Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

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    #1

    Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

    Some of you all know my story and know that my Dad was never really in my life.
    Once I did get to know him he was nothing more than a drinking buddy.
    But we did kinda become "friends".

    Well I found out today he died. (Long shitty battle with cancer)
    And the thing that is bothering me is that I feel NOTHING !!!
    Not sadness, Not joy, NOTHING !!!!
    How fucked up is that ???
    After all he was my Dad.

    Now as the oldest son (and the fact he had a REAL piece of SHIT for a wife,it is up to me to see that all his affairs are taken care of)
    Don't know if I am really up for the task at hand.

    But the worst of it all is that I can't shake the feeling that I should feel SOMETHING. WTF !!!!!!!!!!!

    Well done with this venting if you read this thanks for your time.

    MUCH LOVE !!

    Bob
    Tags: None
    #2
    Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

    Hi Bob. If you spent most of your life sheltering yourself from him it's not surprising, but don't feel bad about it. You may feel it later. Yes, as the eldest son, a lot of it will fall to you. You will be okay. I don't have any such experience to draw on, but I'm sure others will chime in. I just wanted to acknowledge your post.
    Enlightened by MWO

    Comment

      #3
      Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

      I second SKendall. You are most likely numb right now with the shock. I would imagine that you will have a variety of feelings over time about your father. My mom has been dead 3 1/2 years now, and we had a complicated relationship that was loving in the last 10 years of her life. Nevertheless, my feelings have run the gamut from nothing, to anger, and extreme sadness.

      Give yourself some time, Proparty--your feelings will come along when you are ready to deal with them.

      God Bless and take care.

      Hugs,
      YAH
      AF as of August 5th, 2012

      Comment

        #4
        Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

        Bob, honey, you can't " FEEL" on command . ..

        Your relationship with your dad and all that meant will percolate through you in time. That's the best way. Otherwise you would explode. Believe me. My dad was was exponentially a fuck face who treated all four of his daughters like sycophants. When he died I felt nothing for a long time. Then one day I was sitting in front of my Gohonzen (my Buddist alter) and I just started screaming and screaming. It must have been about 9 o'clock at night and I will never forget my daughter coming down the stairs and saying, " mom, you need to stop screaming at grandpa! He's dead!" My older sister said she kept calling him on the phone and hanging up....

        Point is, our parents deaths are always a very personal, often very spiratual experience (even if you practice no faith per se) please don't make this any harder than it s by having some cookie cutter expectations of how you think your supposed to be.

        As to his affairs...go slowly. I bet people will will find you. Don't know what the situation with his wife is. I take it she isn't your mom. If she's still living, she will most likely take care of the arrangements. If he was a veteran, you have the VA..
        Your doing good Bob. Also remember that having JUST found out you are most likely in shock...

        Stay close,
        Hugs

        :soothe:
        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

        Comment

          #5
          Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

          Oh bob im so sorry to hear that. Look hun, I know you have been having a rough time but go easy on yourself. Some of us dont feel things straight away. Dont expect to feel a certain way, just let yourself 'be' and feel what you feel (no matter what that is).
          You know im always here for you my friend.
          Be strong
          Luv Pinky xxoo
          HOUR BY HOUR, DAY BY DAY

          Comment

            #6
            Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

            Bob - all excellent advise. You can't 'feel' something that's not there. Give yourself a break. I'm so sorry Bob. :l:l
            "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
            ..........
            AF - 7-27-15

            Comment

              #7
              Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

              Sorry to read of your loss. I lost my maternal grandmother a month ago. I lived with her during my teen years and she was integral in my life during my late teens and early 20's. I lost touch when I became thoroughly intrenched in my own misery and self-pity.
              When she died, I felt nothing. I didn't even cry much and I can cry at a friggin movie at the drop of a hat!
              As the month has progressed, I have tried to focus more on my alcoholic, schizophrenic mother who was DEVASTATED by her mother's death...and I SWORE I would never speak to my mother again just 6 months before all this happened! o sometimes, helping others can help YOU get in touch with what you do or do not feel...and as I read on one reply...don't let anyone make you feel bad if you don't have those "cookie cutter" feelings and responses...

              You'll do fine...

              d(-_-)b

              Comment

                #8
                Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

                Bob,
                This is what I know, you CANNOT choose your family members. You were dealt a terrible hand and you are dealing with it the best you know how. You can fulfill your duties as a son but don't have to beat yourself up for what you are or aren't feeling.

                Instead of day by day, you will need hour by hour. Real life is definitely NOT a tv show. We have in our heads how parents are supposed to be, but in reality they are a let down. Your way to "honor" this man is to right his wrongs. If you have a wife and children, do everything you can do to lop off that part of the family tree and grow a new stronger, healthier branch that everyone can now emulate and look up to.

                Allow your self the privilege of grieving. If not for your father, but for the father he was not. Good luck to you. You WILL get through this.

                Butterbean
                Butterbean

                Start date: Sunday June 17, 2012
                30 days AF, DONE!
                Next goal, stay dry!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

                  Your way to "honor" this man is to right his wrongs.

                  That was so well said BB. Here here. :h


                  :l
                  On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                  *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

                    Wow, ButterBean, that touched me, too. Thank you for posting....
                    Pro...just do the best you can.....B
                    All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
                    Tool Box
                    Newbie's Nest

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                      #11
                      Am I really this F@#$ed up ????

                      We come into addiction to not feel. Then when we don't when we think we should....we are like WTF. But, this is exactly why we took the drug. Both of my grandparents died and I felt nothing at the time. Now it comes in waves of how much I miss them. And they were not the perfect ideal grandparents.

                      I miss you and wish you the best.

                      Comment

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