self-medication and addiction more than real alcoholism?

[Cornczech]

Hello all.
Back again...reading. Just finished, (finally, as I bought it in January) Caroline Knapp's "Drinking: A Love Story". Been reading these forums again. thinking too much as well....

So..here is my current thought, and I am NOT trying to talk myself into believing I DON'T have a problem with alcohol, (or ANY depressant, for that matter....) I DO have a problem with trying to numb...and for the past 15 years, it has been pot...and in the last 10, it has been alcohol....
I KNOW I have psychological "issues" The diagnosis have run from Borderline to Bi-polar...from PTSD to brain damage, (I started to suffer from seizures..thought to stem from the concussions I suffered as a child..beatings included).
My mother was diagnosed as schizophrenic, as well as my now dead brother. They both drank...a LOT! They both also were violent people.....never could hold jobs...keep relationships together, etc...
So..here I am...age 45...never drank or did drugs at ALL until age 30.....I WAS, before that age, taking a LOT of pain killers...sleeping pills....I was in pain, (migraines, endometriosis, "adhesions", etc) and I suffer HORRIFIC insomnia....
SO...when I am reading this article about AVRT..and I think...wait...I DON'T react to alcohol that way...and I CAN stop drinking before I pass out or get drunk...I drink because it relaxes me and helps me stop that horrible anxiety...and I KNOW..to drown out EVERYTHING...I LIKE to sleep...and would do so all the time...THIS is the sickness...to me....NOT the alcoholism....but the cause behind why I do certain things...before drinking it was pills..but not bad enough to steal or lie...I just took them ALL the TIME....
before that...I was anorexic...before that...i would read..escapism....

anyhow...just random thoughts.....going for a run.......

[Lavande]

self-medication and addiction more than real alcoholism?

Hi Cornczech,

Welcome back, this is a good place!

You certainly have had a difficult past, self-medicating, especially for women is pretty common. Who wants to live with constant physical/emotional pain, right?
I believe, at least in my case, my AL use was habitual. I coudn't find any other way to comfort myself. But at some point I had to admit that I was no longer being comforted by AL, I was being controlled. That was when I decided to quit, for good!

MWO played a huge part in my ability to kick AL out of my life. The support I received here was fabulous. The Hypno CDs helped me to relax & change my thinking. Meditation is a very useful tool & I try to make it a part of my day everyday. If you haven't already, read the MWO book, it's full of good info.mthen use the ideas in the Tool box to help you make a good plan. Drop in the Newbies Nest thread for more support!

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[Marshy]

self-medication and addiction more than real alcoholism?

Hi Cornczech,

Welcome!
What have you tried in the past that has helped, even if only briefly? Can you concentrate on doing more of that? Are there other things you haven't tried that now it's time to consider?
Checking in here regularly is good for accountability and support too.

[Cornczech]

self-medication and addiction more than real alcoholism?

I came back....went for a nice, long walk/run.....(sweating along Lake Michigan, mostly)...

I was reading this thing from Rational Recovery about "The Beast:...that voice in my head...the Addicted Voice....interesting, as I have always thought that there were TWO Cornczechs..the "evil" one...the one that is angry, mad, scared...wants to lash out at ANYTHING...in anger...in desperation....
I have a somewhat rational side too..the one that KNOWS better..the one that realizes that I need to learn to live with that broken past..that it is OVER..that I can only look ahead...but the way I feel when I float away....when I drift off into that twilight nothingness....where I don't even have to BE.....

I know EXACTLY at what moment I decided to let go....when I no longer cared what I did to myself in the name of "fun"...in the name of hedonistic pursuits of NUMBING...of RUNNING....running away from myself......crazy.

I have started the journey again. I walked away from a overly stress filled job. (LONG story) and will use what small amount of savings I have to take a few months off and THINK..or maybe NOT think...DO SOMETHING!!
I HONESTLY feel that if I could find something else to do.....something I love more than the way I feel when I drink.....since smoking pot is no longer effective and I cough like a TB patient...that one is easy to stop...but it's this damn feeling I get when I drink...even if it's only a couple....(My normal daily intake is 4 beers a day...when I am screaming inside, I will F up and get a 6 pack and drink the entire thing....and puke...and cry...and feel sorry for myself...)...I am still in love with it...or maybe the "beast" is......

I have always been so ANTI-SOCIAL...I WANT to reach out....and I will try again....but that turtle shell is nice and smooth from wear.....