Wine as Reward

[WhispertoaScream]

So I'm only on Day 4 and I've been journaling. I think I discovered one of the reasons WHY I drink a bottle of wine every night: it's a reward.

And on the weekends when I'm cocktailing it's because I deserve it.

I have two children under the age of 5 and I'm a SAHM with a husband who works long hours. We also just moved 500 miles and I don't know much of anyone in our new city, so I'm definitely drinking because I'm bored and lonely. But I am also drinking as soon as the kids are in bed (about 1/3 of the time I start drinking wine with dinner but I usually wait until their bedroom door closes). Because I've been using wine to treat myself every night, I've been rushing the kids through dinner, through bath, through story time just so I can put them to bed so I can have some PEACE (and wine).

I am trying to think of other "rewards" I can do every night, alone, and in my house (because that's my life right now and it's not going to change!). I need a new ritual that doesn't involve a cork!

Ideas???

[SAUSAGE]

Wine as Reward

Hi again Whisper ( we met on Newbies nest ) I'm also GF!

You sound so like me it is unbelievable!
I drank wine every day
I am a Mum of 2 - when I joined this site in 2008 both my children were under 5 but now they are almost 7 and almost 8
I work part time though
We also moved 500 miles a year ago to a new area where I didnt know anyone and my husband is in the forces so away a lot - I am a lone parent a lot of the time.
As you will see from my signature I achieved 8 months AF 3 yrs ago with the aid of this wonderful site but then I relapsed. Suggest you check out My Story in the Story Section which talks about me drinking every night once kids were in bed etc , it was a reward for a difficult day just like you, and I also had post natal depression. search some of my other posts too. One reason for the relapse was my gluten free issues - I didn't feel particularly well towards the end of the time I did my 8 months AF , as they hadn't found gluten to be the issue and II felt awful a lot o the time so lost the incentive to stay AF I believe.
Then the stress of moving last year meant I was unable to find the strength to do another quit until Feb this year.

One of the reasons I quit again was my daughter ( then 7.5 yrs) asked me why I drank every night? I want you to fast forward your life about 4 yrs down the line and imagine you are still drinking every night.

Your kids will be older, will be aware that you drink, will comment, I started to sip wine whilst they did their homework towards the end and shout at them.
Also they will no longer go to bed early in the evening, they will be up a lot longer, you won't get that peace once you close the door. They will do after school activities, trips to friends, need lifts in the evenings. how will you cope with drinking then? I never ever drank and drove so I would just delay my drinking til I knew I didn't have to drive again that night,- but then make up for it!

You need to nip this in the bud right now - you are right that you need to change your rewards. The first few days and weeks will be tough but then it does get a lot easier. Is having no wine in the house an option? Once they are inbed you can't go and get it. unfortunately this wasn't possible for me as my husband is a serious wine collector and drinker.

Find something you like to do that doesn't involve drinking - this is tough when you are stuck indoors in the evenings with small children I know. Try and eat earlier so you aren't hungry ( low blood sugar is a trigger) save yourself some other reward - mine is a warm drink and a gluten free chocolate chip cookie and couple of squares of chocolate. I also look forward to watching something specific on the TV. journalling is a great idea. Go on you tube and watch the Rain in my Heart Documentaries about alcoholism to get motivated. Do you want your kids to grow up with the embarrassment of an alcoholic mum and all the stress/issues that it involves?

New city new start. Fast forward one year you will know people you will make friends - probably at first through your children when they get to school. Build yourself a new future without alcohol. PM me if you want more info / tips as I have been exactly where you are !!

Sausage x
Day 120 AF

[Kradle123]

Wine as Reward

Hi whisper,
I'm not much help here except to say I went from wine as an escape to rum and tonics as an escape. I didn't think of it as a reward because I never felt good enough about myself to reward myself for anything.

So now what I do is I come here and read all the posts. I have this iPad from my husband since march so I can bring it around the house. I lay on the bed with the dog and read people's stories or the new posts or the @&$&@&$ thread which is lots of fun!!

I also watch a lot of old tv shows on Netflix with my kids and drink a lot of hot tea and mint chocolate chip ice cream.
That's pretty much it.
These things have pretty much evolved in place of my rum and tonics...I didn't really consciously plan them but they help.

Hope that helps you somewhat.
Stay close,

Hugs,
:l

[SAUSAGE]

Wine as Reward

Oh forgot to say , if you can watch the movie "when a man loves a woman" starring Meg Ryan - its about an alcoholic mum with young kids, please do. Don't be put off by the cheesy title it's all about her struggle with being a lone parent a lot of the time ( husband is a pilot and works away a lot) and how her drinking affects the kids etc.

I related to this story so much, I only have to play key parts of this film on my DVD player when I am struggling and it immediately puts me off drinking. It is a very powerful tool to me.

[Destiniey]

Wine as Reward

Sausage....That is a GREAT movie! I could also relate to this movie. Wraping bottles up in newspaper so no one sees them in the trash..etc...etc. And of course....Andy Garcia is easy on the eyes! Ha! Ok...got off-topic..my bad! HA! Another great movie is "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock. She is forced to go to re-hab after a drunk driving accident...its either re-hab or jail. I like it...I own it and I watch it whenever it is on TV.

[Sober Visitor]

Wine as Reward

Hi Whisper,

It's definitely a challenge to find other things to do, or at least we think it is in the beginning, but the much BIGGER challenge for me was changing my thinking. I've been sober almost 3.5 years, but in retrospect, I don't think I could have gotten where I am without a major overhaul. We often hear that it's not just a drinking problem we have, but a thinking problem, and that couldn't have been more true for me.

When you think about it the whole concept of alcohol as a reward or something you deserve, nothing could be further from the truth. It certainly didn't feel much like a reward when I passed out and woke up at 3am with a racing heart, splitting headache, and sometimes still drunk. That's not the image we see in all the ads though, is it?

The reality really is much more like this:







Is it any wonder? After all, alchohol is ethanol, an addictive drug that intoxicates and depresses us and keeps us coming back for more despite the consequences. I had to stop viewing AL as portrayed in the glamor magazines and see it for what it really is. The images above really helped me to see the truth whenever the AL voice tried to convince me otherwise. It's definitely a process, and take a lot of practice to change our thinking, but it was an absolute necessity for me to do in order to break the hold that AL had on me.

A picture says a thousand words!

Sheri Attached files [img]/converted_files/1886113=6870-attachment.jpg[/img] [img]/converted_files/1886113=6871-attachment.jpg[/img] [img]/converted_files/1886113=6872-attachment.jpg[/img]

[Butterbean]

Wine as Reward

Sausage & WTS,
My kids are now older and exactly as you said, no more waiting until the lights are out and door shut. They are up longer than I am. They want to be driven everywhere to visit friends, it's true. A few weeks ago I was in bed reading with my glass of wine. I was getting very upset at my daughter for something. In the middle of my tirade, my daughter looked right next to me at my glass of wine and I SWEAR I could see her thinking, "Oh, ok Mom is drinking, that's why she is being such a bitch." It really shook me.

[WhispertoaScream]

Wine as Reward

I didn't think about when the kids are older.... it's like I did and didn't... I come from a long line of alcoholics. I remember writing notes to my dad asking him to go to rehab and stop drinking. and I remember not being able to wake him up and having to call my mom to come and get my brother and I. I remember watching my dad puke in the sink every morning and it goes on and on... growing up with an alcoholic parents sucks. I don't want to suck like my dad (who has now been sober 20 years thanks to a stint in prison - yay! - also on the list of things I don't want to put my kids through)

I liked those pictures of the person in the glass. They are powerful.

Ideally I want to get to a point of moderation but I think to get there I need a period of abstinence. I went through a bout of bulimia in my late teens/early 20's and I remember being jealous of drug/alcohol addicts because all they had to do was STOP whereas with an eating disorder you have to learn to live and manage your addiction. And now here I am again! Ha! At least we lowly humans are capable of learning :H

I have to say these supplements are fantastic. Still haven't gotten my a$$ outside and exercised but my mood is greatly elevated. I think I forgot to feel my feelings. I've been so desperate to "relax" [read: numb] that I have forgotten to feel even when I'm sober.

Tomorrow night will pose an interesting challenge: I have the night completely OFF and I get to go into the city and visit with some visiting girlfriends from my old city. The purpose of the visit is actually a pub crawl birthday celebration (perfect timing, eh?) I haven't decided whether I am going to drink or not. I kind of want to play it by ear. I told one of the girlfriends about my "cleanse" and she is very supportive. I think I will take extra Kudzu and Glutamine and roll the dice. I've never been a fan of ordering wine at a bar and beer and cocktails are off limits. I might just walk around with soda water in a wine glass all night! But whatever happens I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I feel like it's more of an experiment and I'm walking in with my eyes open.

Plus side: made it through Night 5 sans alcohol! (I've decided making it through the NIGHT sober is much more difficult than the day! Day time is easy for me [whoo hoo - something is!]).

[SAUSAGE]

Wine as Reward

Hi Those pictures are really powerful.
They'd be great in the Tool Box thread to discourage people from drinking.
Sober Visitor would you be able / happy to post them in there also - its the top thread in the Monthly Abstinence section?
I'm afraid I don't know how to copy, but hope someone can help. it's a real shame for them to get lost/ burried in this thread.
As they say, a picture paints 1000 words

Sausage x
Day 121 AF

[Sober Visitor]

Wine as Reward

Hi Sausage & Whisper,

I loaded larger versions of the 3 pics above, plus 3 more, in the Tool Box. Whisper, I think it's very wise to go 30 days without drinking so that you can:

1) Determine your level of dependence on AL. People who don't have difficulty going 30 days generally are not dependent on AL, at least not yet.

2) Make a decision about your future drinking out from under the influence of AL, the effects of which last far beyond just the hangover. The mental obsession and cravings to drink are caused by AL, so even if we can go 30 days without, for the vast majority of us, it will be reignited with the first drink, and before you know it, we're back on the hampster wheel again.

Congrats on your 5 days, moving on to 6. Maybe you'll be one of the ones that can manage moderation, but if not, Plan B (abstinence) can be as great as you want it to be.

Sheri

[SAUSAGE]

Wine as Reward

Sober Visitor

Have just checked out the tool box to see all your pictures. They are great - have never seen anything like this before. I like the way they show different drinkers all liviing different types of lives and in different situations but all trapped in the same hell. I think they will help a lot of people in the Tool Box. Where are they taken from?

It was only when I saw the first picture (woman lying on the bed with vomit bucket) blown up to a larger size, that I spotted the young child standing in the doorway....... This made it even more emotive.

Thank you