I always hate day 1's

[briseus]

But I should be grateful that I have another day 1 in me.

I don't like them because I always feel so ashamed and guilty for everything that I have done in the past and as early as last night. Which I don't completely remember.

I'm also afraid that the relationship that I am in isn't going to last much longer.
And that is something I fear greatly.

I hate that I have to do day 1 again.
I am so sad and want to cry. I feel remorse over how long and how much I have drank. What I have done and who I have hurt.
I haven't lost anything but I know I will if I continue on a non-sober path.

I need to write this all out so I can go back to it whenever I think of drinking.
The bf isn't talking to me. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember what I said. I do know how bitter I was while drinking. Angry. Just a b$!%h.
My boyfriend hates b$!%hes.

What have I become?

[daisy45]

I always hate day 1's

Bri, I found going AF a bit like looking in the mirror. You are having to 'face' yourself. This is all part of the journey. So much stuff hit me in the face that I would cringe with embarrassment and shame - to take a drink a block it all out is just inviting more of that horrible shit for your next quit - and over and over and over...
Let those feelings come, face them, cry if you need to, just 'know' from any of us here that it does get better. With each bit of AF time, comes a little piece of something good that will eventually knock those bad feelings off-side. Give yourself time.
Make your relationship with alcohol your priority here - break it off! This is the only way to really deal with other relationships in your life.

[briseus]

I always hate day 1's

You are right Daisy.

I thought that to myself as well...if I drank today to deal with these emotions and issues then I am just going to add onto them and will have to deal with them at some point in the future. So why not now?

I am just going to focus on myself today and get better.
I am hungover and not feeling too well...meaning, I have anxiety...which sucks and am just feeling generally dopey. I know the feeling will pass once my BAC goes totally down to zero.
So today I am just going to spend it in bed. Reading. Posting on MWO. Take a bath. Relax. Watch some bad tv or something and eat healthy - if I can try and get myself to eat at all.

I have liver flush that I got from the health food section at my grocery store which I am going to start today.
On the milk thistle, b vitamins and omega-3.
Drinking lots of water and just not allowing myself to go down into the dark spots...

I have a pain in my right side which is disconcerting...I don't know if it's a gallstone or if it is my liver or what...I am so paranoid. But I have a doctors appointment coming up in 2 weeks or so (can't get in earlier) so will express my concerns then.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[Nelz]

I always hate day 1's

Lets try and turn your last statement around just a little....

Instead of what have you become....how about what CAN you become.


You can become the person you once were before AL ever entered your life. Right now it may be hard to imagine life without AL, but soon, and with some hard work, and will power, it will be hard to imagine just why you needed AL.

It wont be an easy war, but every battle you win can make you just a little stronger. So start flexing and tell Mr. AL to go somewhere else when he comes knocking like that pesky door to door salesperson....cuz honey....we aint buyin!!!

[briseus]

I always hate day 1's

Thanks Nelz. You're so right...I shouldn't be so negative...especially since I told myself I would take care of myself.
I know I am definitely not drinking today. The way I feel - with this hangover - it really isn't worth it.
I need to take charge of my life...not succumb to alcohol's seductive yet poisonous voice time and time again.

How does it feel being 1 year sober? And congrats.

[aihflvt]

I always hate day 1's

Bri, hang in there. On my last and longest AF period, I did a lot of reading and consulting with my family doctor on the effects of alcohol on brain chemistry. Alcohol serves as a substitute for serotonin and other neurotransmitters, so while you have alcohol in your body, your body sees no point to sending these important chemicals to your brain to regulate brain activity and function. When you detox, though, you have no alcohol and very low levels of neurotransmitters in the brain. Given the important role neurotransmitters play in the orderly operation of the brain, neurons fire quickly and at random, and that is why we experience feelings of anxiety and agitation and can also explain physical symptoms like the shakes.

I hope I wasn't too long winded, but knowing that "it's not just in my head" and there is a biological mechanism behind what I was experiencing helped me considerably while enduring detox. You mentioned you're going to see a doctor soon - perhaps they can recommend some sort of meds that accelerates the delivery of serotonin to the brain? Trazodone does that (I'm on it), but your doctor may have something that's more appropriate for your specific circumstances.

[Destiniey]

I always hate day 1's

Hey Bri....sorry you are feeling like shit hun! Not only is it horrible to be hungover but I always got such anxiety over trying to figure out what the hell I did the night before!!!! I would try to figure out how I got to bed...was I slurring my words....was I able to cover up the fact that I was drinking...what did I make for dinner...did I feed my dogs...did I text or Facebook anyone...and so on and so forth. I was afraid to get out of bed and walk through the living room because I knew my husband was out there watching TV before he left to go to work and I knew he was going to say something and give me that disgusted look. Thinking about it now makes my stomach turn....ugh.....but I am on day 8 and I have to say that waking up totally aware of the day/night prior is soooooooo worth not taking that first sip as that just leads to a shit load of trouble for me! Stay strong...I am here for you!!!!!!!

[Kradle123]

I always hate day 1's

Good Morning my dear Bri: :l

I'm going to say one small weird thing- I am SO Jealous of YOU right now !

I know you're lying in bed feeling like shit (beeeeen there) but I've also been reading your posts since day one and your determination, your constant posting and ability to look at your situation even when it's not so great are so inspiring ...Truly. and I wish that I had been so honest with myself FIVE Years ago because then I would be 5 years and 9 days ahead of this thing instead of only. 9 days- which i am proud of

So please know that as you are hanging out today feeling low that I believe and I think I can see a few hands out there...
:hallo::
That YOU are sooooo ahead of the curve on this thing because you are
1. Honest
2.Willing to look at yourself
3. Willing to do the work
4. Willing to let go

And I'm sure there's other stuff I can't think of...:goodjob:

Oh, and please try not to obsess or worry about the BF. LB and I have a discussion on that further back in the thread. Sobriety first, all else second , cause without the first there is no second...

:l

PS
I love the New Avatar!

[scottishman]

I always hate day 1's

day two is only a few sweats away

[K9Lover]

I always hate day 1's

Hi Bri :l

Sorry you had to go through that again, it's miserable isn't it? I can't count the days I was overwhelmed with anxiety because I was unsure of the night before. The crappy part for me was that I always had to drag my sorry ass to work and survive the day.... But the physical hangover is nothing (for me) compared to the mental anguish. I couldn't even LOOK at my phone without having a panic attack (wondering what I said to who...)

Take care of yourself today. Rest and stay hydrated. In a few hours your body will be ok, then you can focus on the mental side. What do you have planned for tonight?

Thinking of you and sending you strength!!!

Love,
K9

[briseus]

I always hate day 1's

Aihflvt ::: It wasn't long winded at all, thank you for that. When you say speed up the delivery of serotonin to the brain do you mean anti-depressants? It is something to consider. I'm usually pretty good after week 1...it's always the first day that slays me. It doesn't help that I am currently unemployed and have no friends (because I became a hermit from drinking) and that I live in a basement where I don't have a lot of freedom. So I have a lot of time to think to myself...

Destiniey ::: I can completely relate...not only do I have bad anxiety in general but it is always worse...when I have to text people and ask if they're mad because I THINK I said something rude or offensive...one day they won't text back and say "You were fine!" They will say "What you said was absolutely rude and I think it's best we don't speak for a while"...I don't want it to get to that...so if I don't...I just have to stop with the boozing. I am sure my boyfriend is pretty sick of me asking him if he is pissed off or what we did the night before. Ugh. :/

Kradle ::: Wow. That was refreshing to read! It seriously put a smile on my face and it had me feeling better about myself instantly. To be honest, I am going to copy and paste what you said somewhere to have with me. To read back on when I am having a tough time. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and your faith in me. I honestly am touched by your post -- I can't even begin to explain.
And congratulations on 9 days. We both can really do this.

Scottishman ::: How so very true. Just need to get through today!!

K9 ::: Thanks so much. I have no idea yet as to what I am going to do tonight...but I plan on keeping as busy as possible. I just don't understand why we keep doing these things to ourselves and why we can't remember the most miserable parts about our addiction...we always think of the fun times...when the bad times outweigh the good.


I am an obsessive compulsive individual with my share of anxiety issues...I was going to stay in bed all day today and be gentle to myself...let myself relax and be lazy and do nothing...but I always did that before...so I need to change things NOW...TODAY!!
I told myself when I was drinking last week that I would go to the gym and do this and that on my first day and when today finally came I was just so depressed about starting over that I forgot about all the promises I made myself.

Therefore, I am out of bed, showered, cleaning up and will be heading over to the gym this afternoon. I will plan my days and definitely journal today - which I have said in the past I would do and never did. Never picked up a pen.
I will still be gentle to myself though.
I did start a liver flush today...and still have that pain on my right side (maybe gallstones??) but I am optimistic about starting this healthy life of mine.
Because I HAVE TO REMEMBER that if I keep doing this I WILL LOSE in the end.
I don't want to lose.
I want everyone to be proud of me...I want my family to be proud and for my boyfriend to fall in love with me again.

Thanks everyone -- so so SO much. :l

[aihflvt]

I always hate day 1's

Bri, yes, I am on trazodone, which is a tetracyclic antidepressant, which helps me with both my anxiety and insomnia. I've never been daring enough to mix the trazodone and alcohol, so after a bender, it takes about 7-10 days AF and taking my meds as directed before I start feeling myself again.

How was the gym? There's nothing that makes me want to NOT drink more than an intense workout.

[briseus]

I always hate day 1's

Hey Aihflvt - I used to be on Celexa and then Pristiq but stopped both of those...as I wasn't technically depressed...I was misdiagnosed - having said that, I may need to be reassessed again after all the drinking I have done - since it's such a depressant.

The gym was fantastic! And I totally agree! When I have an intense workout I really don't want to drink and screw up all that progress - since there are so many calories in booze.
Going to go back for more tomorrow.

[Nelz]

I always hate day 1's

briseus;1340641 wrote: Thanks Nelz. You're so right...I shouldn't be so negative...especially since I told myself I would take care of myself.
I know I am definitely not drinking today. The way I feel - with this hangover - it really isn't worth it.
I need to take charge of my life...not succumb to alcohol's seductive yet poisonous voice time and time again.

How does it feel being 1 year sober? And congrats.

The days up to and including the one year was quite a ride. I was very happy to have achieved my long term vacation from AL.

I had a little one year "hicup" where the desire to drink seemed to be coming back, but, I spent a little extra time on here reading, and the urges have subsided a bit.

Looks like this place did in fact have quite an influence on me...I strayed and got weak, came back, feel better

[mama bear]

I always hate day 1's

that's awesome Nelz...I will hold onto that