Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

[Wildflowers]

How do I handle family members who trigger me when I'm already in a state of tiredness, irritableness, anxiety & depressed?

They are coming out of state for 3-4 nights. One maybe two drink alcoholically. I've asked them not to bring alcohol. Some smoke weed to. I can just see them sneaking off outside to the car, etc & taking shots, slamming beers, toking.

Last yr when I par took my Nieces BF was loud, obnoxious, insulted my daughters BF, kept opening the garage door over & over... at 3AM. I was kinda of scared of him. Hubs was sick with flu in bed.

We are both exhausted from moving our daughter out last wknd & all her other problems. Plus my Mom is ill. I'm tired, depressed & feel like running away from home. A drink sorta sounds good, but not really. As I know what will happen in the long run. Can't do that!

I am afraid if they don't respect my wishes, esp him (Nieces BF) starts shit, I will explode! I only have one month sobriety as of last wknd. I'm too tired, too old, too new in my sobriety, for the upteenth time. I just can't handle alcohol in our home! Let alone wait on people hand & foot. See me running away to the water ~ mountains now.

I'm very thankful my hubs supports my sobriety! Meaning he won't buy & bring it home. Wants me sober! Hubs is straight as they come! It's his Sister & family. Maybe I'm future tripping & remembering past visits with them & should try & focus on staying in the present day. Need to look down at feet to remind me its Tuesday.

I'm going to go to the store & buy a bag of those lolly pops with gum in them. Hope it helps when there here. Hope I don't get so agitated cooking for a small army that I crack a tooth. Forgetting they are meant to be savored. I will buy a bottle of lavender oil & rub it all over my face, & some Bachs Rescue Remedy too. Crap oodles of more $$$

I'm trying hard to not give so much credit to my emotions & learn to give more credit to facts & reasons. But, it seems like both of these apply here. Or then again my old head is just out of whack.

Sorry to sound so negative & down, but it's how I feel. Anyone up or able to lift & encourage or has advice, tips on how to handle this? I'd very much appreciate it!

Thanks for listening,

Wildflowers

[Cinders]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Wildflowers,

Unfortunately, problems don't go away just because we stop drinking.

As you well know, we often dealt with them by drinking and are now dealing with the issues sober.

My husband often reminds me that a HUGE population of the world has problems and they do not drink.

Also, remember, it is okay to feel blue, blah, angry, irritated, etc. Those emotions are a part of life.

Every time you deal with them sober, you are learning to deal with them without alcohol.

No worries, you are not a downer.

Cindi

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

My husband reminds me of this exact same thing too.

My old counselor said we create new pathways, new files in our brains ea time we deal with them sober, verses drunk. Missing many of those pathways, files.

As I learned in AA. You don't walk out of the forest over night when you've been neck deep in the woods for many years.

I do know that drinking is mainly about changing the way you feel, whether it be positive or negative. The clinical case supervisor told us at OP-Rehab that even normies drink for this reason.

Can't hide from life!

Just not sure how to handle family members that may get out of hand. I think it will be hard for my Niece & her BF to go that many days without Alcohol or Weed. I guess I can ask them to leave & get a Hotel. There isn't room at our daughter's new one bedroom apt as our younger daughter & her BF are staying there.

Thank you so much for your support!

AF 3/18 ~ 5/12/12
AF 5/23/12

[mama bear]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

I 100% agree with Molls, hon...it's your house and YOUR rules.....and YOUR sobreity
said with love:h

[daisy45]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Wildflowers, you could plan such an activity-filled weekend for them that they will have to watch their alcohol intake as well. You might even enlighten them by showing that there is more to life than drinking....
If that is not on the cards, then I would have to agree with Molly. There is nothing to stop you developing a severe bout of diarrhoea and vomiting that is definitely catching!! Lie through your teeth and tell them how awful you feel about having to cancel. You can catch up later when you feel more secure in your sobriety and no-one is the wiser.....

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

mollyka;1341485 wrote: Oh Wildflower - it's no wonder you're in a tizzy hon. - so would I be:l
I can only say what I've learnt in the last little while - and that is that NOTHING is allowed compromise my sobriety - and I mean NOTHING. When I was in the treatment centre quite a few issues re. day to day living in the future arose - and my husband - who's an ardent supporter of me living sober - but also very set in his ways, and his job has always taken precedence over everything - brought up things that we could and couldn't do because of his job. The counsellors looked at him like he was a mad man and literally ridiculed his priorities --- now he understands as well.
The point I'm trying to make is that unless your family truly understand how they must behave - they shouldn't come - end of - imo.
God I'm after reading back over that - and it sounds very harsh - but I do mean it, so I'm gonna post it - I hate to hear you sound so frazzled - this is hard in the first months - and it sounds like a lot to add to your plate:l
Molly
It's not harsh Mollers, not at all! My hubs didn't use to get it either his career, sports always came first, until that one night I almost died from this feckin disease. He gets it now, so do I & the kids. The rest of extended fam doesn't know the seriousness. They don't live here.

But, I will hold my grounds! If I have to I will take my lap top, get to an AA meeting & stay somewhere else to protect my sobriety! Come to MWO hang out here if need be.

Have to run to the store now. Must get home & cook the old fart dinner. :H Just kidding he's real good to his old lady now!

Thanks for your support :h

mama bear;1341488 wrote: I 100% agree with Molls, hon...it's your house and YOUR rules.....and YOUR sobreity
said with love:h

Thanks Mama
daisy45;1341492 wrote: Wildflowers, you could plan such an activity-filled weekend for them that they will have to watch their alcohol intake as well. You might even enlighten them by showing that there is more to life than drinking....
If that is not on the cards, then I would have to agree with Molly. There is nothing to stop you developing a severe bout of diarrhoea and vomiting that is definitely catching!! Lie through your teeth and tell them how awful you feel about having to cancel. You can catch up later when you feel more secure in your sobriety and no-one is the wiser.....

Excellent idea Daisy! I think I'm so tired from last wknd I didn't even think of that. I like the other idea better, but we have a couple of youngsters involved. So, the park, zoo, & I still have color crayons. I will think to buy some water colors for them, maybe some stickers. I do love kids. Hope to be a Granny ~ Nana someday!

Thank you sweet, smart supportive woman. Feel better. Off to the store now. :l

[hart]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

(((Wildflower))) First hon congrats on your one month sobriety, no easy task. Next, I'm thinking, how about a dead animal in a vent? (okay that may be too drastic).

It is your house and your rules. Simply state you are new in your sobriety and no alcohol or weed in the house period. If they cannot abide by this, they are welcome to stay at a hotel.

They don't sound like they are very pleasant to be with in the first place, so if they get their feelings out of shape not much of a loss. Take care of you!!!

[daisy45]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

I have just bought myself a box of facepaints - done my wee niece today - she loved it. Get yourself a wee book of faces to copy from, couple small brushes and sponges. They'll love it!
I love kids too...

[Kradle123]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Hi WildFLowers:

Please remember:
On The List

1. Alcohol Freedom First... :goodjob::wd:
2. Accomodating Asshole Nieces Boyfriend... Not even on the frickin list
3. Accomodating illigal substances in my house around children: :eeks:
4. Accomodating any arrogant Asshole because we share the last name: Doesn't derserve to be on the list.

Sorry WF. I dont have time any more to do the Family Dance and More power to you if you do.

I used to say that my family was like the Bermuda Triangle: When they got together- I would disapper.
That's the dance. And I am done done done.

Obviously I have a lot to say regarding The Family and i'm sorry to sound hard but then again I'm not. Family is such a huge issue and I know we all have to handle it in our way way.

I think one thing is unversal however: Every family has it's own script and in mine that script NEVER changed for years and years and years until I refused to read my pages...That caused quite a stir I can tell you! But soooooooo worth it.

Wildflowers, I know I am a bit OTT here. Weed, AL and Kids... and your precisous one month you worked so so hard for...
You have gotten a ton of great advice here. I have every confidence that you're going to meet this challenge and come out fine- though I do lean towards the dead animal in the vent or the projectile vomiting sceneraio as a possible detterent

Hugs,
:l

[LibraryGirl]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

I think I might have to insist on a hotel, from the get-go. That way you're not stressing about it at all. I wouldn't even want to worry IF something might happen. Is that an option? If it is, then maybe it's the best one.:l

[mama bear]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

dead animal.....tee hee
or perhaps a ghost in the attic??

[Kradle123]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Was I too Bitchy, You guys?

I didn't mean to be...:blushing:

It's just that my own family raked me over the coals for years and years and I tried so bloody hard to make it all work, to make us all happy and accomodate them.

Then when I turned 50 last March not one of my sisters called me to wish me a Happy Birthday...That was it for me.

I've been pulling away for years, slowly but that was the straw or the brick maybe because I have a slow learning curve (hence AL problems for years) and boy did I feel like a world class idiot for spending soooooo much energy and money to have relationships with people who weren't even there!! Mentally I mean...

So I am sorry WF -I sort of fell apart all over your thread. I'm going to fix some hot chocolate now. It's cold again here and put on Voyager...

[mama bear]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

what you said was true to your life babe...it wasn;t bitchy IMO.....just really touched a nerve with you

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

hart;1341507 wrote: (((Wildflower))) First hon congrats on your one month sobriety, no easy task. Next, I'm thinking, how about a dead animal in a vent? (okay that may be too drastic).

It is your house and your rules. Simply state you are new in your sobriety and no alcohol or weed in the house period. If they cannot abide by this, they are welcome to stay at a hotel.

They don't sound like they are very pleasant to be with in the first place, so if they get their feelings out of shape not much of a loss. Take care of you!!!

Thank you Hart.

"How about a dead animal in the vent? :H:H::H

Have had dead animals under the house b4. I'd definitely be leaving the house then. Hmm.. Road trip alone to water ~ mountains is looking promising! Think there's something crawling under there now. As Mr. McGee is patiently waiting by the floor vents, waiting to pounce & attack. :cat:

I do enjoy my SIL & the youngsters! Love them & my Niece. Her BF ? I'm going to have a private talk with Niece & remind her of the rules & if broken they will have to leave. I can't risk my sobriety! I must take care of me! I just must! I really would like to live & laugh more!

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

daisy45;1341509 wrote: I have just bought myself a box of facepaints - done my wee niece today - she loved it. Get yourself a wee book of faces to copy from, couple small brushes and sponges. They'll love it!
I love kids too...

KK ~ Daisy I will run to my art store tom am. I bought all my scrapbook supplies & dried flowers from them. Just a couple miles from my house. Great inexpensive idea! Thank you!