Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

[Kradle123]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Sorry I offended you WF:

Really didn't mean too. Tuff subject for me.

I'm sure your weekend will be good. You're in a different place.
:h

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Kradle123;1341667 wrote: Sorry I offended you WF:

Really didn't mean too. Tuff subject for me.

I'm sure your weekend will be good. You're in a different place.
:h

Oh beautiful Kradle you have not offended me! Not at all hun! I was typing to Trixie. Coming back to respond to your post next. Oh sweetie your post about your sisters I read in between making dinner brought tears to my eyes. I will be right back. Gotta go to the ladies room. :l

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

So I'm back & I type slow & copy paste to do the quote. Trying to think of something funny to respond to your very funny part. So, I'm not going away. :h

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Kradle123;1341542 wrote: Hi WildFLowers:

Please remember:
On The List

1. Alcohol Freedom First... :goodjob::wd:
2. Accomodating Asshole Nieces Boyfriend... Not even on the frickin list
3. Accomodating illigal substances in my house around children: :eeks:
4. Accomodating any arrogant Asshole because we share the last name: Doesn't derserve to be on the list.

Sorry WF. I dont have time any more to do the Family Dance and More power to you if you do.

I used to say that my family was like the Bermuda Triangle: When they got together- I would disapper.
That's the dance. And I am done done done.

Obviously I have a lot to say regarding The Family and i'm sorry to sound hard but then again I'm not. Family is such a huge issue and I know we all have to handle it in our way way.

I think one thing is unversal however: Every family has it's own script and in mine that script NEVER changed for years and years and years until I refused to read my pages...That caused quite a stir I can tell you! But soooooooo worth it.

Wildflowers, I know I am a bit OTT here. Weed, AL and Kids... and your precisous one month you worked so so hard for...
You have gotten a ton of great advice here. I have every confidence that you're going to meet this challenge and come out fine- though I do lean towards the dead animal in the vent or the projectile vomiting sceneraio as a possible detterent

Hugs,
:l

I think you are very smart & funny all at the same time. Niece never gets out of hand in front of kids to my knowledge. She hides the weed from her kids. Loved how you listed everything.

Thank you for realizing how hard I worked for that month & that I'm not going to blow it for anyone. Must continue to ride the sober train. Even if it means having dead rodents under house. hahaha

I'm very sorry about your family & that you don't have contact with them. I'm so very happy that you said enuf is enuf & stepped away from people who continued to hurt you!... Even if there family. To me family isn't necessarily family. Blood isn't always thicker than water! I don't have contact with most my Mom's side of the family either. I think there is another post from you on 2nd pg I want to address. I can't see it tho, so sending this one off in a min.

Thank you so very much Kradle for your support, your confidence in me. Sometimes that's all we need is someone to just believe in us! As there are times we don't believe in ourselves. I believe in you too! Have confidence in you. We will live an AF life, the one were meant to live & we will do it together Sister! I read almost all your posts. I think your super smart, way smarter then me. Beautiful & funny like so many people here. So, I stay quiet & just read. Loved the whole Library of Congress & how no posts go un-wasted.

PS. Had to take out all those fun emotioncons. As I quoted you. We must both like them hahaha xxxxx

[Kradle123]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Oh I'm so Glad WF :h

I love your posts and always learn something from them.

Briefly, my sister called tonight (I don't answer anymore) She had the Lawyers send me the final papers for Mom's estate. Well mom's been gone since 2004... I have to sign everything tomorrow with a notary..Yuk.

I think it just started getting on top of me.
I'm on day 11 ...

Thanks for your kind words. I'm going to try to get to sleep.
:bedtime:
I keep thinking of that line from Postcards From The Edge where Meryl Streep says: 'I'm so glad I could get sober so I could be here for this series of humiliations...

Sleep well
:l

[nancy]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

family visit

I think you should talk to your daughter before she comes and mention these things you are feeling. So they should hide any bad behavior very well, that's what it will come down to. Because they are not going to stop it altogether. And I am guessing you won't ask them to go to a hotel.

I am wondering, why do you have to do a lot of running around? that seems to me something you actually could control. First of all, you control your own expectations of yourself. You probably will want some nice meals like at dinner. But when you do that, you could ask for help with side dishes or salads. You could buy some of the food. And the other meals, people can help themselves, I guess you would need to do extra shopping but your husband could help with that. I wonder, are you putting more pressure on yourself than you need to for a 3-4 day visit? A lot of people are very capable of feeding and entertaining themselves.

Are there ways to lessen this load?

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

LibraryGirl;1341548 wrote: I think I might have to insist on a hotel, from the get-go. That way you're not stressing about it at all. I wouldn't even want to worry IF something might happen. Is that an option? If it is, then maybe it's the best one.:l

I did think about that at first. But, this is our home. I should be able to have rules. Plus our Niece wants to see her cousins, our two daughters want to see her. My SIL wants to see her brother. If they get out of hand, out they go, or I go.

I do think our youngest daughter fears the most for her Mom's life. She has looked at me with her big blue eyes filled with tears & said Mom please stop drinking, it's killing you. I need you Mom, your also my best friend.

I just wished they were only here for one night. This thing has been planned for a year. They are in another neighboring state in route visiting others now. I think my head is just thinking too much. But, I really do think the BF will be a problem. We have lots of trees in the back, besides the car he can sneak off to. I will know if he's been drinking. Plus he won't be able to stop, he drinks alcoholically.

If all else fails I will make a call to the Emerald Isle.

This will be a test of skill, strength & faith.... I think

Thank you for your support & help LG :l

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Kradle123;1341563 wrote: Was I too Bitchy, You guys?

I didn't mean to be...:blushing:

It's just that my own family raked me over the coals for years and years and I tried so bloody hard to make it all work, to make us all happy and accomodate them.

Then when I turned 50 last March not one of my sisters called me to wish me a Happy Birthday...That was it for me.

I've been pulling away for years, slowly but that was the straw or the brick maybe because I have a slow learning curve (hence AL problems for years) and boy did I feel like a world class idiot for spending soooooo much energy and money to have relationships with people who weren't even there!! Mentally I mean...

So I am sorry WF -I sort of fell apart all over your thread. I'm going to fix some hot chocolate now. It's cold again here and put on Voyager...

This truly makes me so sad, no calls on you 50th Birthday from your Sisters :upset: Wow that would be it for me too!....

I know I've done the same thing spending too much energy on relationships that is one way. My oldest daughter has done the same. I use to drink over this stuff. But, no more. No more resentments, no more expectations. It's there issues. I almost posted to you about your long time GF problem. Had similar exp this yr with GF of 30 yrs. I sent her a long text. Never heard back. Doubt I will hear on my 50th in July. Oh well. I did like that Emotional Piggy Bank Analogy Nicey posted to you. Made a lot of sense. Shared it with my daughter.


No need to apologize! I think it's cool when threads take twists & turns. Thank you again for your support ! :l

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Kradle123;1341687 wrote: Oh I'm so Glad WF :h

I love your posts and always learn something from them.

Briefly, my sister called tonight (I don't answer anymore) She had the Lawyers send me the final papers for Mom's estate. Well mom's been gone since 2004... I have to sign everything tomorrow with a notary..Yuk.

I think it just started getting on top of me.
I'm on day 11 ...

Thanks for your kind words. I'm going to try to get to sleep.
:bedtime:
I keep thinking of that line from Postcards From The Edge where Meryl Streep says: 'I'm so glad I could get sober so I could be here for this series of humiliations...

Sleep well
:l

Thank you. Like wise Kradle!

Sorry about the Estate business tom. I hope this will wrap it up & it will be finalized. It can be a very long & stressful process!.... You will get thru tom with flying colors. Carry us with you hun! Good, glad you didn't answer the phone!... No need to!... Some of my fam doesn't exist!

Big Congrats on 11 days! Woo Hoo For Kradle Yup that line was funny :H

Yes, it's just about nighty night time. zzzzzzzzzzz

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

nancy;1341688 wrote: I think you should talk to your daughter before she comes and mention these things you are feeling. So they should hide any bad behavior very well, that's what it will come down to. Because they are not going to stop it altogether. And I am guessing you won't ask them to go to a hotel.

I am wondering, why do you have to do a lot of running around? that seems to me something you actually could control. First of all, you control your own expectations of yourself. You probably will want some nice meals like at dinner. But when you do that, you could ask for help with side dishes or salads. You could buy some of the food. And the other meals, people can help themselves, I guess you would need to do extra shopping but your husband could help with that. I wonder, are you putting more pressure on yourself than you need to for a 3-4 day visit? A lot of people are very capable of feeding and entertaining themselves.

Are there ways to lessen this load?

I've already spoken two both of them. They also "Farcebooked" their cousin no Alcohol or Weed at Aunties & Uncs!... She's in Recovery!.... I will know if their drunk, or high! I will recognize it, as I've exhibited this poor behavior myself many times in the past. Not proud of it!...Also years ago was a bartender & bar manager in various establishments ( upper & lower scale ). I can usually spot someone who is under the influence. Plus being an alkie I have first hand experience in being sneaky myself.

I know the 20 & 30 yrs olds will go out & I can't control that & I don't have a right to either Nancy. So, I don't have to go running around. I will just flat out tell my Niece in private as I worry mainly about her BF's behavior the most. If they go out & he drinks then they can't come back & sleep here. I know what happened last year & I can't have it here! But it will be hard to send them away. But, he was a bit scary. I guess I wasn't that drunk last year as I do remember. I got to a point in my drinking where I learned harm reduction techniques & could use them when needed, not easy tho, actually takes a lot of effort & planning.

My Hubs will help, cause I don't have the strength to do it all!... Our girls will need to help. They were raised to be team members. They know Mama isn't well & isn't a spring chicken either. The extended fam also can help. I just need to not be afraid to ask for help, including paying for eating out. I will just have to find my voice & say something. It's there, just not strong yet.

Part of my problem is thinkin I could do it all, or have to be everyone elses servant. Then would feel sorry for myself & have the attitude of poor me, poor me, Pour me a drink. Working very hard on changing this attitude. Stop people pleasin all the time! Stop trying to control everything all the time. A way to feel safe & secure. So much of this is driven from fear. Fear from what I might lose or what I might not get. Fear that I won't be perfect enough, or good enough. Fear of failure. Really means I won't be liked or loved. Performance based ~ approval acceptance. Theirs or mine? I'm working on knowing the truth, or at least not caring as much. I guess I don't know what the truth is yet. I hope with more sobriety time I will know my truth. A goal, knowing how to control my own expectations. Well at least I think I've defined them in this situation.

Now that I've had all day to mull this over, type it out, get it out of my head & best of all receive some absolutely wonderful support , advice & tips from smart woman like all of you! I feel ready to handle this!... Thank you all so very much!... I will pay it forward to others.

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

mollyka;1341705 wrote: Crikey Wildflower - this thread has brought up an awful lot of issues for me as well as Kradle and others. Not sure if I should post this on here - as this thread is about your specific circumstance? Anyway in a nutshell - my family - my sister's actually contributed hugely to my 'crossing the line' with my alcohol use. The cruelty and unkindness I experienced with those two women who happened to share my parents was truly unbelieveable. I often thought when I got sober and truly 'examined my conscience' re. the goings on over the years that I would see things in a different light - I didn't - and now I won't - so this is for Kradle really - I understand the hurt and bewilderment you speak of:l

Wildflower - Nancy makes a very valid point also about the 'running around' after peeps. I read a very good book recently about addiction - buggered if I can remember the title - will have a look round for it later - but a point was made in that about the 'process' of picking up whatever our addiction is. Usually the seeds are planted long before the actual deed of drinking. The example given in this book was about a woman addicted to prescription drugs. She had family coming visiting and thought of taking a few pills to get her through the visit - and then discounted that idea as she was afraid of not being in control for the visit and maybe not behaving appropriately -- as her guests walked out the door to go home she went straight for the pill bottle. It was always going to happen from the moment she thought of her pills in the first place - she gave the 'permission' - it was just a matter of WHEN. I'm not saying for one second that that is the case with you - but it shows the process of the addicts brain which certainly resonated with me.
The point I'm trying to make is - why put yourself into a potentially stressful worrying situation - whether they 'behave themselves' or not - the stress and anxiety that they may not is always there - be careful with your mind WF - 'tis very early days:l
Molly

Of course you should bring it up! :l This is how we all learn, heal, grow. I love it when threads take turns in the roads! It's more interesting! I think it's suppose to happen! Besides I sorta think my needs have been met. Me poor head has just about fallen off thinkin about Nancy's post. Good Heavens, I think many alkies have"analysis paralysis", Or at least I do. :H

As for pain that others cause us, I've learned over time that it is their issue & not mine. It still hurts like hell tho! Took me years to figure out I have no control over them. AA teaches to keep our side of the street clean.

Yes, I have to be very careful with my over thinkin & over complicating things. I think I've done just that. But, I do feel much better. I have a plan & will take action if need be. You all have helped me tremendously! Thank you! :h It will all work out!

If all else fails. I fried fish for dinner tonight. No dead animals needed under house!

Nighty Night zzzzzzzzzzz Oh Congrats Mollers on your new Grandson! Joy! :h

[Sober Visitor]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Hi Wildflowers,

Sounds like you have an excellent plan in place to set yourself up for success. Better to overthink than not to think at all, right! I think (no pun intended) not thinking about possible scenairos and exit strategies can leave us too vulnerable in the moment. Flying by the seat of our pants in the early days is really very risky.

You sound so committed and willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to your sobriety which is so important. No doubt you are going to come out a winner and be that much stronger as a result!

:goodjob:

Sheri

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

mollyka;1341748 wrote: Thanks Wildflowers - am off down to see him in a minute - he's a gem!! I think you sound very insightful - fair dues to you - I hope you're clearer in your head anyhows -- lovely to 'hear' you literally 'flowering' here as the days go by:l
Molly

Your welcome & thank you! :l I'm very sure his a gem! Very exciting time for you & your fam! Hope to be a Nana one day! With two daughters I hope so. Yet, I trained them to be career orientated woman. Time will tell. My head is much clearer today. Flowering away. :H

[Wildflowers]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Sober Visitor;1341807 wrote: Hi Wildflowers,

Sounds like you have an excellent plan in place to set yourself up for success. Better to overthink than not to think at all, right! I think (no pun intended) not thinking about possible scenairos and exit strategies can leave us too vulnerable in the moment. Flying by the seat of our pants in the early days is really very risky.

You sound so committed and willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to your sobriety which is so important. No doubt you are going to come out a winner and be that much stronger as a result!

:goodjob:

Sheri

Yes, I'd rather over think & have a plan then to be idle & have no plan of action. I'm glad you pointed that out. I may not have realized this & might have been too hard on myself. Loved the (no pun intended ) :H:H:H.

Yes, having an exit strategy is something else I've picked up from 12-steppers. Better to be safe then sorry. It's very early days for me.

Yes, I'm willing this time to do anything to protect my sobriety!... I'm committed!... My very life is depending on it! I want to live! I've had to sit on my hands, pace back & fourth, fight, cuss, scream, sleepless nights, cravings, urges, battles, mood ~ swings, cry. Which I know are all part of healing. I also know those things won't kill me & that alcohol will! Alcoholism is a chronic & progressive disease!... This too shall pass!... Yet, most days are really happy ones! How could they not be? I've lived in hell with this disease for many years. Playing all the denial games, being sick physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually!... I don't want to ever go back!..... I'm committed for the long haul!... All of it!... I will be selfish this first year of my sobriety!.... It's all about Me!.... Of course alcoholism is a selfish disease!... Getting well & doing whatever I have to, is a positive type of being selfish. It's really self care!

I'm so attracted to your sobriety & posts! I can tell you have been sober a while! If you are only visiting for a short time, would it be OK to PM you with my e-mail? I'd like to stay in touch with you. I really need Strong sober woman like yourself to mentor & guide me. Please no worries if you don't want to, or your to busy! I'm a very understanding person!

Thank you for your support :l

Done With Alcohol 5/23/12

[Sober Visitor]

Family Members ~ Memories Can Be Triggers

Hi Wildflowers,

I loved your last post and the commitment you have to yourself. I truly believe that the most important words, both written and spoken, that will have the greatest impact on our success (or failure), are the ones that we choose to give energy to that happen between our own ears. Here are some things I came across that helped me so much during the early months of my sobriety to keep my inner and outer voice in check:

Outer Talk: Be very aware of how you speak aloud about alcohol. Avoid statements like "I am trying to stop drinking", or "I'm so tempted to drink." Instead, focus on positive self-empowering statements, such as "I don't drink alcohol because I want to be healthy" or "I have more money now that I don't drink" or "I love drinking water." The power of your own voice in your own ears reaffirms your commitment to change your life for the better.

In fact, our own words have a MUCH more powerful impact on our beliefs and actions than you might suspect. Whether you realize it or not, your own voice in your own ears is more important and influential to you than the voice of anyone else in your life. DO NOT be afraid to tell people that you no longer drink alcohol! By telling others that alcohol is unimportant to you, you are ALSO reinforcing your own resolve, and you will feel even more committed to your health.

Inner Talk: Be aware of your "self talk" ... those little statements you say to yourself a thousand times a day. Maybe no one else hears what you say to yourself, but YOU do. Make them positive, life-affirming statements that guide you in the best direction for your future. Constantly remind yourself WHY you no longer drink alcohol, and how HEALTHY you are feeling, and how BRIGHT of a future you have now that you are doing something about your alcohol problem.

Of course, I would be honored to support you along way in any way I can, so please do feel free to PM me anytime.

Best wishes for this weekend!

Sheri