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MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

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    #1

    MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?



    Okay so I started back on the MWO program really in May with about 14 days AF (40 if you don't count the slip on day 28) and I am completely discombobulated. I'm taking Topa (100mg), Supps, Juicing, MWO reads/posts and I swear I feel more screwed up than I did when I drank.

    I can't remeber a fucking thing, missing my kids appointments, classes. Miss bill pays and screwing up auto pays ; loosing everything.

    I've gained ten fricken pounds because I cant stop eating and I am COMPLETELY unmotivated.

    I wake up nearly every morning with headaches feeling almost hungover and depressed..

    My Buddhist practice is in the toilet which I know contributes to all the other things on this list.

    My husband and I hate each other, barely talk but we hated each other when I was drinking so hating him Sober is out of my mind awful.

    I have no sense of time: You'd think I was smoking dope.

    I spent all morning getting my children ready for their music classes only to discover they were fricken YESTERDAY and My son's is TODAY and we are 45 minutes LATE. uch:

    This is awful. I feel awful. Sp please someone tell me, aside from adding ten more years to my life of this misery, Why is this fucking Worth it? ull

    PS: I'm sorry in advance to any new people. I am not a happy person here today...


    PPS: I'm taking the kids to the park now. I'll be lucky if I can remember how to drive the GD car.
    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest
    Tags: None
    #2
    MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

    Good morning/evening
    We don't know each other. Bridget here.
    I've never taken Topa, but I did take Baclofen and I was off my tits quite frankly:H
    Mind you, I'm always a bit of a space cadet anyway.
    Sorry, I know it's not funny, but the way you tell it is.
    I wonder if another med, or going without meds is for you?
    If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
    Rejoined life 20/5/19

    Comment

      #3
      MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

      Kradle
      IMO...and I am no doctor...it's the Topa....I had to quit taking it coz I had a SERIOUS case of stupid when I was on it....I couldn't remember words, I was dizzy...I hate it
      I do much better on the meds I have been precribed by my doc and I take nothing else
      don't know if that helps...
      one last question....would drinking right now make it any better????
      love and hugs
      Mama
      I love my family more than alcohol.:h
      Live in the Solution....not the problem

      Comment

        #4
        MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

        I had the same problem with Bac Bridgette
        I love my family more than alcohol.:h
        Live in the Solution....not the problem

        Comment

          #5
          MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

          Kradle, poor love, you have made a massive change to how your brain operates now, that is, without alcohol. It's going to make you go haywire for a time until it figures out what the frig is going on.

          I know that doesn't really help you in this moment but it might be some comfort to know these feelings are normal... And they will change.

          Big big hugs. Gem
          Free since 26th February 2012

          Comment

            #6
            MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

            Holy Cow!!! Sounds like the Topamax all right. Kradle can you drop your dose a bit? Or take a break from the Topamax? I had problems with memory, getting lost while driving, and spacing out while driving - very dangerous!!!

            All the other stuff sounds just like you are stressed to the MAX!!! And trying to be sober on top of all you have to do is just loading you down!!

            Tomorrow is another day and you may feel better. Hang on.
            Ask yourselves, would you rather be a non drinker with an occasional desire to drink or a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it?
            (quote from Bean )

            Goal: Survival

            Comment

              #7
              MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

              Kradle sorry things arent going well for you right now, look back over your posts tho and you can see this hasnt always been the case. All the things you are describing can be caused by stress, and not drinking can of course, cause stress in the early days. You are doing everything right, just keep with it, you know it will get better.

              Go and watch voyager:H

              Comment

                #8
                MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                But Mama sure put her finger on it: would things be better if you were drunk? Would tomorrow be brighter if you had a hangover?

                You know that you'll find the strength to carry on - we wives and mothers can dig deep when we have to eh?
                Ask yourselves, would you rather be a non drinker with an occasional desire to drink or a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it?
                (quote from Bean )

                Goal: Survival

                Comment

                  #9
                  MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                  mama bear;1342574 wrote: I had the same problem with Bac Bridgette
                  Places that I found my mobile phone whilst on Baclofen

                  Supermarket isle, near condom/lube section.
                  The fridge
                  The recycle bin
                  Dropped into the toilet (replaced first time)
                  Under car seat (not my car, no idea)

                  If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
                  Rejoined life 20/5/19

                  Comment

                    #10
                    MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                    :H:H:H
                    Bridgey!!
                    I love my family more than alcohol.:h
                    Live in the Solution....not the problem

                    Comment

                      #11
                      MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                      :l Kradle!

                      Definitely sounds like "Topa Dopa" to me. Roberta Jewell coined it that in the MWO book and described some of the same symptoms that you're having. I was afraid to take it for that reason. I don't think that you're alone with the experience. If I remember correctly from the book, the symptoms supposedly get better in time, but I think many have had to stop taking it. Is there a chance you might be able to reduce the dosage or stop taking it at this point to see if there's an improvement in the symtoms and maybe up the L-glut? You can actually take much higher dosages of that than the recommendations in the book. Just a thought.

                      Sheri

                      P.S. Forgot to add the most important thing: YES, SOBRIETY IS WORTH IT ! ! !
                      AF since 3/16/09
                      NF since 3/20/07

                      Comment

                        #12
                        MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                        Sorry you feel so bad, Kradle, every drug has side effects unfortunately, and Topa has a long list of them, anxiety being just one. Alcohol has lots of effects, feeling good while drinking is one of them, but the after effects are so much worse, than the topa. You will feel so much better if you don't drink, I know because I do. Take care.
                        .

                        Comment

                          #13
                          MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                          I would have to quit that chit immediately, Kradle. Good Lord, Woman! I can't imagine how you have kept taking it this long. Like others have said, if you feel like you need meds, talk to your doctor and tell him the SE's you've been experiencing on Topa.

                          I sure hope you get some relief soon!:l


                          "I like people too much or not at all."                           Sylvia Plath

                          Comment

                            #14
                            MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                            Hey Kradle -- how you doing now? I'm in total agreement that the Topa is hugely responsible. You can do this without it or if you must try another med. You have alot on your plate with twins and a high needs boy which would cause any mother to screw up time commitments sometimes....go easy on yourself.:l

                            ps Bridge you're a riot...under the seat of someone else's car?
                            Psalms 119:45


                            ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                            St. Francis of Assisi



                            I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                            :rays:

                            Comment

                              #15
                              MAY SOUND IDIOTIC, BUT WHY IS THIS BLOODY WORTH IT ?

                              I'm soooo very appreciative of everyone's posts. I know I sounded somewhat crazed. Boy I felt crazed. Especially after realising I had screwed up the kids lessons again. Also there was a small part of me that thought I would get a roll of the eyes. I know how hard everyone works here.

                              I am also sorry, though I 'd be lying if I didnt admit, I suspected the Topa...
                              It's just that the Topa truly helps with the cravings and aside from being a crazy mess, I'm not drinking. And I don't especially want to drink. I'm concerned that will not be the case if I stop the Topa. In 2007 when I stopped the Topa that was my downfall. It took 5 years to get back here. I have read the Topa thread so I am aware of the side effects but noone seems to be complaining/experiencing quite like me. Or maybe I'm just missing those...

                              I will titrate down the Topa and up the L-Glut. I will stay close here ( fell away last time) I have to get back to the gym and get back to my Buddhist practice. That's pretty paramount for me. Especially since Summer is here and the temptations for me (as many others ) are big.

                              BridgetJones: If you can leave your phone in the condom aisle and come out the other side , I have hope


                              Mama, RC, Paula, Sober, LG, Space, hiddenGem, MWO -forgive me if I missed someone (topa dopa) I'm so ultra grateful for all your posts. I'll start tommorrow. Early bed.

                              :h
                              On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                              *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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