Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

[briseus]

Okay - maybe it wasn't THAT bad...okay...maybe it was a bit.

I have gone to an open AA meeting last September (2011) and wasn't too comfortable there and decided I didn't want to go back - and I didn't...until I realized that I can't do it all on my own - or at least that's what the counsellor things...or rather he wanted me to try at least one meeting...so anyways...
I decided I would go to my first closed women's only meeting today...

I was excited yesterday and then super nervous leading up to it - I was very fidgety and the boyfriend noticed this and told me to just calm down and everyone else was in the same boat as I was...I was paranoid about my phone because I couldn't turn it off (I broke the top button on my Apple iPhone) so I made sure I turned the volume ALL the way DOWN and put it on vibrate...well, mid-meeting...while someone was sharing their story my phone....went....off....omg.
I thought to myself "HOW THE HELL COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!!" I was so nervous and cautious. MY FIRST MEETING! And THIS happened. I got a few glares...omg. I was mortified I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom where I almost had a panic attack and all I could think of was "Grab your purse - GET OUT of there - and get yourself a bottle of wine because you totally f**ked up".
Ugh...

Needless to say...I did go back and sat and the entire time - instead of listening to everyone I was worried what everyone thought of me. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and I was shaking like a leaf. When it was my turn to speak my voice was so shaky and I thought I was just going to pass out.

After the meeting I really thought that people would approach me. I was the newbie.
Only one or two people said "congrats for coming in" and that was it...everyone else was off in their groups and I stood their stupidly rummaging through my purse feeling sorry for myself.

I left there...sad. But I am glad I went.

It was so embarassing. I was so worried about this meeting and I f**ked it up.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

:upset:

No joke, that voice was chattering away...I almost told the boyfriend to go to the liquor store...

[Rusty]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

That's too bad about the AA meeting, Briseus. If you put your phone on vibrate and they didn't welcome you after the meeting because of an innocent mistake, then you wouldn't want to be in a meeting with them anyway, would you? Why would you want to be around such unfriendly, unwelcome people? If I were you, I would post this experience on the Weekly AA Thread. I've never been to a meeting but from what I've learned from the people on the AA Thread is that it might take a little while to find a group that is a good fit for you. As an alternative, have you tried Women For Sobriety? A woman I know has been sober 10 years due to the support of WFS. The principles of WFS are very similar to AA's. Also, congrats for not drinking on it.:goodjob:

[LibraryGirl]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Bri, you did not have anything to do with the fact that those women were bitches. Plain and simple. When someone new comes into a meeting, it should be a welcoming occasion, regardless of whether your phone vibrated or your pants fell down or you fell down, lol. That was not a welcoming group, and it's definitely NOT YOUR FAULT.

I'm sorry you had to experience this, and I hope it doesn't set you back sweetie.

[TheSunFlower]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Trust me....all of us go through that. In the past I have found women's meetings not that helpful. I am not sure what it is....but, they have formed a tight knit and it's hard to break through. For now, men seem to speak to me more than the women....in their comments. I like open meetings. Closed means only alcohlics can attend.

AA can be tough and don't try to get it all at once. Just keep going to different meetings....and feel free to get up and leave if the meeting is going poorly. I had been in AA before and I knew a good one from a bad one. I walked out so many times. I walk out when someone who is 20 years sober and wants to discuss the diffulty they are having with their contractor putting siding on their house and the group entertains her.

I will say this. In my last city the meetings were much better. And navigating meetings here has been tough. But, I just kept on going. There are too many success stories to deny it works. I don't go back to the ones I don't like. And yes, you should have been the center of the room being a newcomer. And if they did not do that....bad meeting...and they are doing a disservice to the AA name.

I like smaller meetings. The one meeting I will not miss is a small meeting that is mostly men. Ususally, 10 men...and 2 women. Its just me....but, men seem to cut right through the bullshit of this thing. They seem to have grasped it better than most women. Its werid to watch them discuss their emotions.....but, cut right to chase of how it relates to AA. Women tend to babble and have all this emotion tied up in them....that they will talk about anything that comes to their head. I'm usually left with WTF was that?

I was in the program years ago and went back out. Thinking the program just did not work. I realize now that no one really correctly explained it to me. It is about quitting drinking.....but, more importantly how to live without that drink. How to live and have a life. I am back in the program....I slip and slide and the people still love me. Where do you get that?

Now, I am freaking babbling Just keep going and tap into mary on the AA thread.

And everyone does their first AA meetings wrong....my first one....was a smoke filled room, I sat in the back and did not say a word....when the basket came around....I didn't know what to do....so I threw in $10 I know the guy beside me was baffled. As you keep going especially to smaller meetings....you become more open to being approachable. Now that Tues meeting....I am always there talking with someone for an hour.

As I continue to babble....download some AA speaker podcasts from itunes. They are free, great and on target. I can get a meeting in....in my car.

[briseus]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Rusty & LG - thank you for your kind words...I don't think it will set me back...but I was really hoping that I would have at least SOME tools for this weekend.
I got nothing except my very own personal pity party - booo to me.

Sunflower - That makes sense...it happens to be like that with women everywhere - even in the workplace...and believe it or not I have noticed this sort of behaviour at the gym as well.

It really is okay to just get up and walk out of a meeting? I wasn't sure. I felt like they would say something - of course they would talk about you as soon as the meeting was over...but I guess that is what happens.

I totally agree! Some people started talking about random things - like a neighbour that needed help with something and the woman thought she was complaining?! I have no idea. :/ There were about 16-18 women there...and it makes sense, men do cut through the bullshit. And it was just a long-winded meeting...it went over by almost a half hour I am not sure if we did everything we were supposed to. I don't know.
I would be so afraid to go to a meeting with both men and women...and I was the youngest one there too.

You are definitely not babbling at all. It is nice to hear an opinion from someone who has gone through it as well.
When that basket went around I almost panicked. I had NO change. I had like, $0.45 and I was so embarrassed a woman next to me gave me a couple quarters. Wow. I felt like an idiot.

There was maybe another girl or two that were close to my age - I was the youngest though for sure...and after the meeting everyone even talked to them and whatnot...I don't know. I just felt so alone and left out.
When I heard the women talking about how when they went to their first meeting they hated it and were scared but people welcomed them...well, I was scared and nervous and didn't want to go in the first place ever and leaving there I didn't feel welcomed. I even went and HID in the washroom in a church until most of them left the parking lot!
Isn't that just sad?

I don't know...I will think about going again next Friday - probably not...I don't know. Maybe I will check something else out. Tomorrow there is an AA for youth...but after such a disastrous first meeting I don't want to go again and risk going through all that again!

Ps. I posted this in the AA weekly thread too; thanks Rusty.

[nancy]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

trying another meeting

Just throwing this out there... maybe you were just overly sensitive tonight. Are you sure they glared at you? Sometimes it's easy to project your own feelings on to other people.
As for the lack of a welcome, I would really prefer some reserve. I have gone to meetings where a swarm of women demand my phone number at the end, out of friendliness, then I felt obliged to give it out. And they called when I was on my way to a vacation. It was smothering and embarrassing.
I do wonder if maybe the age thing might be a little weird. For sure try another meeting if you like the concept of meetings themselves. And don't feel obliged to speak.

Sunflower is right, the first one might not be right.

[briseus]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

I am definitely not an overly sensitive person.
I did definitely saw some glares from these women.

Of course I would prefer some reserve as well...but when no one goes up to you and sees where you're at and what you're doing when all you hear from everyone else is that people are super supportive...well, that burst my bubble a little bit.
People sat there and said "thanks so much to all of you for your support during and after these meetings"...well, I am not nor was I on that boat.

The first one may not have been right...I didn't know that it was going to be like this...I guess that is why it threw me off. Because I didn't like it the first time and this second time well...you know the rest.

Mind you - as you both said...you need to "shop around" before you find one you are comfortable in.

[Kradle123]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Hi Bri:

At the risk of swimming upstream I think your meeting was a great success. If you go back and re-read your posts you went to that meeting and viewed it almost entirely thru a lens of fear and defense and HUGE expectations. I think I can say this becasue I did the same thing my first AA meeting years ago and I thought it sucked and the people there were very clicki (sp) I also did the same thing here at MWO belive it or not but I had more time here so I saw right away what I was doing and stopped myself.

I can't speak to this meeting. I wasn't there. And women generally are more....difficult...shall we say than men in many situations but then again there are mostly women (I think) here and have found the excact opposite so...( and the men aren't bad either ha ha )

You are i such a vulnerable palce right now, I do wish the group had met your expectaions better. But try to keep in mind my frind that these gals are unhealthy women there to get heatlthy just like us. It's not a book club or a sorority. I mde that mistake when I first went. I htought I would have 'Insta-friends and Insta-answers. Needless to say, no such luck! I was pretty unhappy.

AA is not for me but I have seen it do great stuff for other people and that is a very happy thing. I think becasue you are so isolated there, AA still is worth your time. Just try to have low expectations. Sit quiety and listen and try not to panic.

I remember this strange thing a college friend told me once when I felt ultra self conscious and paniced in my new school . She said, 'You know the guy you think is staring at you on the Bus? Well he probably isn't...'

Talk soon,

Hugs
:l

[A.J.]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

So sorry you had a bad first meeting. I know I would have been a mess. Thats why I love MWO no one judges me . I can't imagian being in a meeting with people that are in the same boat and feeling unwelcome, it's not like you wanted someone to call you in there, and if you think that that or something else even worse never happened before your mistaken. Go with your gut, if thats not the one for you find another one , and if that does't fit go until you find the right one, and remember were her for you any time. Glad you cry in your beer or wine or whatever, now on to day 5 with head held high

[Kradle123]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Hey Bri:

Just saw I kind of cross posted with Nancy.
I knwo your a tough broad, babe Just wanted to reiterate that these gals are all fighting their horrible battles too. I remember one woman who went from being a head nurse in a top Seattle hopsital to living under a bridge. When I first met her I thought she was an Ass..

Hugs

[briseus]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Thanks Kradle and AJ.

AJ - I definitely tried to hold it together - I was quite close to tears actually because I felt instantly that I wasn't really welcome. It was palpable. And yes, I admit, I over exaggerate...but that was when I was perpetually drunk; I am more awake now that I am sober to people's reactions around me.
But you're right, just gotta go and find another one.

Kradle - I know that these gals are fighting the same fight. We are all in it together...but there was a girl there that used to go there and relapsed and wasn't there for a while - they all went and talked to her and made her feel welcome...no one really (I can't really sayyyy) paid attention (I did anyway) but when your doc, 2 counsellors, therapists say that AA is "sooo welcoming" and blablablablabla and you feel like you are in this alone - and that is why I never went in the first place in the past - well, it just reiterates it for me.

I know, I know. I am doing a pity party shit thing...but I can't help it.

As I said, I was really looking forward to it after my counsellor convinced me to go...and I really thought that I would have come out of there with tools to deal with my first long weekend sober...not away "licking my wounds" with my tail between my legs feeling like a gawddamn loser.

I thought I would be "embraced" in some way...nooooope.

And being online is definitely different as the counsellor said - there is a level of anonymity here as opposed to seeing someone face to face.

Sorry.
I may not make too much sense...and want sympathy (because I am being a freakin' baby here)...but I just need to vent here - either that, or go and pay a visit to Monsieur Chardonnay.

[TheSunFlower]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Yes....it is ok to walk out of a meeting....especially if starts to make you want to drink. Believe me nobody is thinking or talking about you at the end. What they may or may not be talking about is how they did a disservice to AA. Alkies as a whole are worried about one thing...themselves. And until they work the program....they are way more worried about themselves than you.

Get away from people who say...."then you are not ready"......run like they are trying to set you on fire!

Just last week I went to a shitty meeting....but, I remember hearing "read the daily reflection"....the next day I did. It made me want to drink. It spoke to the normal drinker and how it took their cares away. Yep, that is me. If I drink myself silly I don't care about a damn thing....and that was what I was after. So, because of this...I took myself off to a lunch meeting....and there I heard the words that I needed. I would not have gone had I not been to shitty meeting....had not met up with a guy (who never goes to this meeting but several years in the program)....who spoke about step Zero. Not many AA'er's liked his comments at all. But he had just gotten back from Florida meetings...."How can you take step 1 if you don't really know if you want this way of life"....in the BB Bill W. had to have a discussion with people BEFORE they could decide to take step 1. And not all of them did. For me, it released me. Meaning I really have to understand what you are talking about before I will do anything. And because of that shitty meeting....I want it more than ever. Its not about not drinking (wish someone would have told me years ago).....its about learning tools to live without the drink. If you drink...really they should not care....that is what we do...until we 'get it". We are alkies....and as much as we may get some sober time down....we eventually drink...because that is the way we are wired. Period.

I have asked people to be my sponsor. And they have said to me...."If you drink I will drop you". Really? If I knew how to NOT drink I would not be here....duh. I have reached out to a friend who is in the program.....and said these are not good sponors at all. So I promptly left them a message the next day saying I had found a new sponsor (lie).

One thing I do see...is people who stick with it...do get better. Going it alone or even with MWO....made me bat shit. I need to learn how to live...or I will drink. Its as simple as that. I want to learn how to live from people who are just not drinking.....but, living. But, I have learned I can not learn that from normies...I think that is why you see so many posts on here about WTF to do with myself. Well, I have a lot of things I can do with myself besides drink. Thanks to AA giving me the tools...its not an overnight thing.

And babble on....I know I went to several bad meetings in a row. And did not go back for long periods of time. I do not wish this on anyone. What I would suggest....is to download those speaker podcasts. Listen to the Men ones first. Like I said they cut threw the bullshit. And they are free meaning no $$.

And don't worry....sometimes I don't have a dollar on me and I don't put anything in the basket. All they ask is that you do not take money out of the basket Therapy never worked for me...and cost alot of $$. No money or a dollar is worth my piece of mind.

AAer's go there....not to not drink.....but, to learn how to live life. And I mean really live. I want that for you. I so wish I had gotten it at your age....there was no internet....no MWO...no information. You are sooo lucky. Please do not do what I did. You are exactly like me...and at the beginning of a very bad cycle. I so wish I had this inforamtion and friendship avaiable to me as you have now. Don't waste it....it truly is a gift. We may hate the thing we got.....but, what other disease actually makes you a better person on the way out? I hate on it, and thank God for it as well. That will make sense to you down the road

[briseus]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Thank you Sunflower.

To be honest I wouldn't even know where to begin regarding the 12 steps...when you go to AA do you have to do the 12 steps (sorry if that is a stupid question).
I am not familiar with it all...not as much as I am with the more secular organizations and things like Rational Recovery. And that is the thing - where that guy said "How can you take step 1 if you don't really know if you want this way of life".
Of course I want to live a long and healthy life and wish I was never addicted and of course wish that I could drink like a "normal person" -- I sit there and think to myself. You are 26 years old! All your friends drink! There are parties to bed had in the future! What about your wedding? Your best friends wedding? Any other holidays or celebrations.
It is difficult for me to keep going to AA when everyone surrounding me is telling me that I don't have a problem but I think that I do.
Well, then again, even my counsellor said he wants to work on whether I am an alcoholic or someone that just abuses alcohol. Isn't that one and the same?! :/ Ugh. SO CONFUSING.

That is another thing...how is that supportive? For someone to say "if you drink I will drop you". Geeze. That would make me want to reach for the bottle right away. Someone at the meeting said that you don't say "You SHOULD" to an alcoholic because they sure as hell are going to do it just because they can or just because they want to test you.

I do have a question for you SF. You said that you want to know how these people actually really live their lives but how can we learn that if all we sit and talk about is how to avoid drinking? How utterly depressing it was to sit there and listen to a lot of people that have had a lengthy amount of sober time under their belt and they felt depressed that day and all they thought about was drinking.
Wouldn't it make sense to avoid situations like that so you wouldn't adopt their train of thought? Just curious what you thought of this.
Maybe I went to some randomo meeting because some of the women there were like "I am glad I am here because that means I am not drinking"....

I know this may sound silly but my craving for booze was that much more increased after that meeting than I had the past week on my own.

I am almost 75% sure I am going to go to another (different) meeting tomorrow...I will keep going because I really do want to kick this. I want to be happy without booze. I want to live my life.

May I ask how much sober time have you had SF and how long you have been going to AA?

I hope my post didn't offend AT ALL. I am just not familiar with AA and have questions...questions I would have asked today but didn't get the chance...lol.

[Kradle123]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

Wow Sunflower:

I'd go to an AA meeting with you anyday! :h

and I don't 'do' AA

:l

[nancy]

Ugh - my first disastrous AA meeting...

mixed feelings

Sounds like you have mixed feelings about the meeting. I hope I didn't offend you to ask if you might have imagined glances or doing something wrong. That's my first guess because that is what I am like!

I am sure you will get lots of good advice from others who have more AA experience than I do. It does strike me that based on what you said you would enjoy Alan Carr's book The Easy Way To Quit Drinking. He doesn't like the deprived alcoholic idea either.

As for abuse vs. alcoholic. It's subjective. If you read books the ideas are all over the map. The best thing I ever read was on the NIAAA website, where it's described as alcohol use disorder and there is a range of degrees of severity. Some people think alcoholism is a genetic disease but that has not been proven. There doesn't seem to be proof it's a primary disease in itself. What is clear is that there is a behavioral problem that varies a lot in terms of how many problems it causes. You can measure this by how many drinks you are having per week and how many problems it is causing in your life.