Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

[LillyE]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

I started a thread in my story a long time ago but didn't really keep up with it. So, I think I'll keep adding to this one periodically instead as this latest round with the booze felt like a new start to me - of true acceptance of my need to really commit, finally, to quitting.

I don't know if I also have a winter cold or it was the red wine triggering sinus problems or what but I have felt absolutely crap these last four days. I've had times of coming off a few nights of binge drinking in a row where I didn't feel this bad except for the first day. I am exhausted, blah and depressed. I don't feel like engaging with the world so have cancelled a few social engagements saying I'm 'sick', which is how I feel still, really.

Yet, at the same time I still feel completely determined. Fortunately, work is slow this week though next week will likely be a different story, so I've been taking advantage of the downtime to just read, read, read all I can here and elsewhere and journal a lot.

I've read a lot of books on addiction and sobriety and looked at various threads here that talk about books people liked, but I'm always searching for more if anyone reading this has any must reads? I like both non-fiction books about addiction and memoirs about people who've overcome addiction. Some of the most helpful I've found so far are 'Under the Influence', 'Drinking - A Love Story' and 'Dry'.

[coriander]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

thanks for starting this thread LillyE.
i admire your determination & hope that one day i too can grow some intestinal fortitude to stop this shit in my life.
keep posting, please, i'd like to know how you're going.

[LillyE]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

coriander;1346052 wrote: thanks for starting this thread LillyE.
i admire your determination & hope that one day i too can grow some intestinal fortitude to stop this shit in my life.
keep posting, please, i'd like to know how you're going.

Thank you so much for the encouragement Coriander! And I will.

And I don't know where you're at in this journey but please do come join us in the Nest is you want some support in doing a 30 day free Boot Camp.

that goes for all newbies reading or old timers struggling.

:h

[Sunbeam]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

Hi Lilly,
Have you checked the What We're Reading section of this site? That is quite comprehensive list of books on this topic, with many comments.

[LillyE]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

For anyone who read this the first time around I just want to update that, six weeks later, I have six weeks AF as of today.

Yeah!

Given that it took me an entire YEAR to reach 30 days AF it feels super to have got to six weeks. I know it's a drop in the bucket, really, but it's enough to make a big difference.

And, yet, this disease is maddening. I had a bit of come down post finally making it to 30 days (so now what?) and have had to start gathering my resolve afresh to keep going. (Lots of reading here and elsewhere and journalling.) It's amazing how quick that complacency can kick in, how quickly we can start to think 'hey, maybe it really wasn't such a big deal after all'.

So, I figured today was a good day to reread this thread and remind myself of how I felt on that day six weeks ago and therefore why I need to keep going. And also to celebrate the progress of the last six weeks.

* Once again my anxiety, while not totally gone, is vastly improved
* My depression has absolutely lifted - I feel much more cheery and positive and excited about the future
* I have lost over 3 kilos (or about 7 to 8 pounds)
* I've been eating really healthily
* I've been working out a lot and can see progress that I'm getting fitter
* I've been reading far, far more - one of my great loves that goes by the wayside with the booze
* I've saved god knows how much $ really. I've been putting $100 a week into a special account for lovely treats for me instead of flushing it down my throat. With it so far I've bought myself an iPad, gone out to an amazing meal at a really high-end expensive restaurant (sans wine)
* Being AF helps you reaffirm who your true friends are - those who support you in your AF journey no questions, no hassling
* I am reaching for new work and creative goals
* Some cool things have been happening on those fronts that probably wouldn't have had I been buried in the bottle or hungover. Success truly does breed success
* I am slowly but surely gaining a stronger sense of self, pride, confidence and self-esteem
* I feel stronger

The battle is far from over for me but I am reaching for new heights instead of letting myself stay stagnant or, worse, sink further down into what is, for me anyway, the miserable, sad and lonely abyss of depression and hopelessness that is alcoholic drinking.

If you don't think you can do it - YOU CAN. You have to keep trying even if you fail at first. Keep going. You can do this.

[LillyE]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

x

[Sunbeam]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

Congrats, Lilly, it is important to document those improvements. You already know how devious the alkie brain can be, tricking you into thinking that you are doing fine, that nothing would be better without alcohol. Yes, we can all do this together. We CAN have a better life.

Have you read Unbroken yet? It's an amazing story of human resiliance.

[LillyE]

Finally, after a year here, I am ready…

Thanks for the support Sunbeam! Much appreciated.

I haven't heard of unbroken but I will go check it out!