big hole where the alcohol was

[Determinator]

a hole in my soul.

ever since my new years disaster I've managed to moderate sort of well but always felt like I've been holding this huge weight over my head, and I just knew that someday it would be unbearable and I'd fall down...and boy did I. My wife told me this afternoon something really lucid and revealing: I take the stresses that I can't deal with, and by overdrinking, turn them into the physical pain of hangover/withdrawal because it's a form of pain that I can relate to. then I'm so distracted by this physical pain that I forget how to deal with the emotional problem that got me here in the first place, so I'm doomed to repeat the mistake!

so...I need to put some tools in my toolkit to better deal with these stresses that will invariably come in our hectic lives. it's easier said than done though...dealing with stress/worries/anger is a real art and one learned with diligence and patience. so, any ideas?

[bestlifeldms]

big hole where the alcohol was

How old are you darling, I would like to add you to my brood of 5 children, who have turned out - darn well, regarless of their upbringing, by me! You are very "INSIGHTFUL!" Which is a great deal of the battle - at this point - and you are so honest, amazing! You are on your way - to overcoming this!!! Just keep going :h

I send you hugs and encouragement! :l

Best

[Allie]

big hole where the alcohol was

Hi Determinator...
Wow... I never thought of it quite the way your wife put it, but I guess there is much truth to it. I know the less I have relied on alcohol, the more I have to deal with "reality", and obviously issues and pain stuffed down that is easier to numb than face. I'm finding that I really never dealt with many things head on to begin with... just stuffed them or buried them. But am finding that facing things square on IS painful, because you have to dig it up and look it in the eyes. But then its not such a big deal anymore... and the real healing can begin. I think we have to be willing to face the reality that dealing with "life" without alcohol is a major adjustment, so just expect it to be. But it does get easier, and you will get much happier the longer you go.

Best of luck...
I'm sure many to follow with have great advice.
Allie

[Determinator]

big hole where the alcohol was

oh, thank you Dears, 36 years to date (will be 37 this year). I'd be honored to be an honorary family member Best!

time enough to be real with myself.
I've been one to "look the other way" when conflict is upon me, and it's not been a helpful trait in this endevour it seems. I'm diplomatic to a fault. just my personality, but we can learn at any age, so away we go......

[dilayne]

big hole where the alcohol was

Determinator..you have a very wise wife.
I think acknowledging the stress is a huge step..when it's there, just slow down and recognize it...you may be surprised that the very act of being present to it helps keep it from overcoming you. Your response to it before was relatively unconscious and you drank, not knowing exactly why...so first step..notice..

there are lots of techniques you can practice once you can slow down enough to observe yourself..you can do some deep breathing, you can change the way you 'think' about the stress or what ever is causing it. I've gotten a lot of help by listening to Eckhart Tolle's work..The Power of Now and other works. He would suggest that you feel what it is that you are feeling and accept it..that in itself lifts it to a higher level so that you can respond to it from a higher level. He would call drinking as a response to 'life' as pretty much being unconsious. Meditation is good..of course the CDs are a great start..deep brething, relaxation, yoga, walking..anything that you might like..the key is being in the present moment and observing the stress inducers and your response and not letting them consume or possess you.

You are doing great!
d

[Determinator]

big hole where the alcohol was

nice tools Dilayne, thank you for the lovely insight. come to think of it I bought a copy of "the miracle of mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh, and promptly put it in the bookshelf with nary a further thought...out it comes! I'm sure Amazon.com will have the works by Tolle you speak of.
and yes, by golly, my wife is very wise and I'm a lucky guy

[Allie]

big hole where the alcohol was

I agree with Dilayne in that I'm having to re-train my brain to accept that normal life stress is "okay." I dont have to have a glass of wine at the end of every stressful day. Because I always have at least one stressful thing going on with three kids, husband who travels extensively and a Mom with cancer. Life is challenging, and I want to rise to the challenge without the crutch.

Something else that helps me to remember. My husband once said to me, "Do you have any idea how UN-attracted I am to you when you are drunk? I know you think you are cute, but you're not!" OUCH!! He is so much more loving, affectionate and willing to help me with whatever life is challenging me with when I am not drinking, or at least being wise about it. Its amazing.... it really IS easier without the stuff. Its just the habit that is the hardest to break for me.

You sound like you are the determined Determinator! You will do just fine!

Allie

[dilayne]

big hole where the alcohol was

Determinator..thanks for the title of Thich Nhat Hanh's book..I've wanted to read him for a while..I've read lots of quotes and other people have recommended that I read him..now I have a title to look for!

Hi Allie!!
:0)

[Determinator]

big hole where the alcohol was

spot on Allie! in fact last night I slept on the couch...that's how "attractive" I was...d-oh!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.
that's a good exercise, not to drink the wine when things are tough just to reinforce the point that it shouldn't be a crutch after all. it's hard though...I'm a full gourmet nut-case and just LOVE wine...it's true I love it like a long lost friend. but a friend that isn't going to be my demise dang it!!! thanks again,
D

[Determinator]

big hole where the alcohol was

Dilayne, I'll give you a book report soon!

[dilayne]

big hole where the alcohol was

Oh, and Determinator...you are right ON TIME..if not ahead of the game, if you are reading Hanh! :0)

[dilayne]

big hole where the alcohol was

Great, I can't wait...
ok, going to bed now..I'm working on a vision board..I've given up writing in my journal for Lent and I'm going through withdrawals...seems like I can abuse it being the great addict that I am...so I'm putting my energy into the power of the mind..hoping to manifest some new things into my life..
nite nite all
d

[Determinator]

big hole where the alcohol was

Dilayne, I know you are sleeping so I'll type this question very quietly....



what is a vision board?

that's it...g'night!

[sri]

big hole where the alcohol was

Oh boy this thread hit home - I love the wine...the gourmet cook loves the wine part! I too drown the stresses - your wife is indeed insightful! Physical exercise has been key to me when I've overcome it -- working out instead of drinking/acting out has helped. Maybe it is being as addicted to healthy exercise as I am/was? to wine - but at least it is a healthy addiction. Allie, I too am caring for a mom with cancer. That's kind of when I went over the edge from a social drinker to an addicted drinker. That stress was too much for me to "workout" -- so far 14 days AF...with the help of this program. Longest in two and a half years....thanks for the support - and your wife's comments helped me get throught night 14!

[dilayne]

big hole where the alcohol was

Determinator..here, take a look. It's a tool for bringing your desires, goals..whatever into reality...more later,