Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

[Wildflowers]

So, Ive been a bit down as of late, have had some drinkin thoughts too. Looked in my bag of tricks, read the tool box, membered somebody here had a signature line saying just have ta get thru this day, went for a little walk. I can go back & fourth being a line in the sand kinda gal. Usually that's where my head is, but not always. It's early days for me! This isn't always easy, by any means, living AF life!.... Not after all these yrs of drinking.

Then I upped my Topa, by 25 mg, now at 75 mg., 50mg am, 25 pm. Had to turn dose around. As this stuff seems to keep me awake at night, along with being in early recovery & my wonderful female hormones, (think I'm going into menopause). Sorry to the gents. I think cause I take a low dose & the MWO plan is for higher, this RX is actually relieving my depression. When others had failed in the past. With a little higher dose, I actually am getting motivated besides reducing my cravings. But, as it's a low dose I still have them, so I have to be diligent & use other tools.

I really have been wanting to drink last 2-3 days, but have not! Friends want to come over & bbq. Told them were not drinking. Now they don't want to come. I do understand, but I guess I feel like I'm a party pooper to them. I wonder if what few friends I have, will they abandon me? Now I'm having a pity party with it being July 4th one of my fave, always loved blowing up those fireworks & having big campfires in our backyard. Luckily, haven't burned anything down back here, esp when I was drunk, or drowned in our old pool.

So, I just about caved today. Here I am boiling eggs & taters, & thinking about ice cold beers wondering if I should just say the hell with it, let them come over. Feeling lonely, bored & such. Trying ta realize my feelings might start up my whole alkie cycle & maybe kill me, if I act on them. Trying to fight my feelings & thoughts. Use logic & reasons, but feel like I'm losing the battle. Then I read the paper with my coffee & there's an article about a drunk driver who hits these grandparents head on & their grandchild is in the car. Nobody died, but some serious injuries.

My old eyes just welled up with tears. That just blew up my drinkin thoughts & my pity party! Set me straight! Reminded me of times I drank & drove, pour dranks for peeps to. Feel guilty, ashamed, feel very grateful that I never killed or injured somebody!....

I'm now feeling & thinkin very grateful that I'm sober today & that it's OK to lose friends. Feel grateful that I have a spouse who supports my sobriety, even if he pizzes me off some days, hurts my feelings. I've done the same to him.

So, no drinkin for me, just a few fireworks. I'm not evening bringing out my tater gun & loading it with bakers & shootin it off tonight. I'm sure my retired neighbors will appreciate my sobriety & me being a more unselfish person. Being boring & a bit lonely isn't such a bad thing.

New word some one sent me today. In Micronesian, there's a word, kukaro, which has no corresponding word in English. When people say they are going to kukaro, they mean they are going to relax, sit around, and hang out. They are being, not doing.
?Eli and Beth Halpern

[JackieClaire]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

Aww Wild,

Takes a bit of getting used to this sober business and you're right sometimes all we can do is get through today.

Funnily enough we've just had our annual JC BBQ on Sunday, which in the past would have been a grand excuse for me to be slaughtered by midday. Like every big occasion it needs careful planning. Our first one 3 years ago saw me saying to people I'll do the food, I'm not drinking so you'll have to bring your own booze..........and they did.

I was selfish in my alcoholism and I'm even more selfish with my sobriety.

I am so happy that you have thought this through from beginning to end, we are lucky and grateful to be the sober ones.

And if you ever want to kukaro, I'll be sitting by your side.....just being.

[Byrdlady]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

Wildflowers...thank you for that post. The Pity Party is easy to throw...hard not to attend, and even harder to leave. We are what we believe...and I believe I am 1000 times better today than I was before I got sober. I believe that I am grateful to have regained my sense of pride in a job well done. I'm grateful that I don't have to apologize for things I did and said. I remember what I said, and if it was stupid, I take full responsiblility. Do I miss drinking? Yes. Do I know it is now something I cannot do responsibly, absolutely. Not one, not ever. It is toxic to me. Might as well drink gasoline....
Coming to have peace with this took TIME, but it came. Stay strong, you will never regret it. XXOO, Byrdie

[mama bear]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

I am thinking of you.....

[Tipplerette]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

Wildflower, you must be disappointed in your friends. People really do treat alcohol as the friend that they are most loyal to, don't they. If alcohol isn't the guest of honour, lots of people don't show. That is sad. I noticed since I'm not drinking that a boat ride isn't a boat ride without the beer and wine; fishing can't be done without beer; games have to include beer; campfires are not campfires without the booze. So I found a few great non-alcohol beers that are wonderful and everyone thinks i am getting buzzed right along with them. Consider that, Wildflower; it tends to fool people. I am getting a little sick of the drunks myself.

I think the name Kukaro is perfect for our Lake House. I may just name it that and hang a sign.

I am reading about meditation and spirituality and have to learn to just be more often. I do manage it sometimes but find myself reacting rather than accepting and that is not doing kukaro.

[Wildflowers]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

JackieClaire;1345896 wrote: Aww Wild,

Takes a bit of getting used to this sober business and you're right sometimes all we can do is get through today.

Funnily enough we've just had our annual JC BBQ on Sunday, which in the past would have been a grand excuse for me to be slaughtered by midday. Like every big occasion it needs careful planning. Our first one 3 years ago saw me saying to people I'll do the food, I'm not drinking so you'll have to bring your own booze..........and they did.

I was selfish in my alcoholism and I'm even more selfish with my sobriety.

I am so happy that you have thought this through from beginning to end, we are lucky and grateful to be the sober ones.

And if you ever want to kukaro, I'll be sitting by your side.....just being.
The nice thing I've found as these hard days don't last more than 2-3 days, usually it's just one. I do see now that it was a full moon & I know in the past this seems to effect me. Glad I'm feeling better.

Yes, it's wise to be careful & plan ahead! I have been told from those who've traveled before myself, to be selfish with my sobriety, especially in the first year, so I will!.... Grateful to be sober Jackie, this is living compared to the other way! I to remember being "slaughtered by midday at these parties~ barbies. There were times I did this alone too. This wasn't living!

Yes, lets Kukaro sometime, I'd enjoy that.... I'll bring the fresh strawberry~ lemonade~ basil~icetea.

Byrdlady;1345926 wrote: Wildflowers...thank you for that post. The Pity Party is easy to throw...hard not to attend, and even harder to leave. We are what we believe...and I believe I am 1000 times better today than I was before I got sober. I believe that I am grateful to have regained my sense of pride in a job well done. I'm grateful that I don't have to apologize for things I did and said. I remember what I said, and if it was stupid, I take full responsiblility. Do I miss drinking? Yes. Do I know it is now something I cannot do responsibly, absolutely. Not one, not ever. It is toxic to me. Might as well drink gasoline....
Coming to have peace with this took TIME, but it came. Stay strong, you will never regret it. XXOO, Byrdie

The pity party is something I am usually aware of when it's happening! I have to figure out from where, or why it's occurring. You are so right, it's difficult to leave. Must take action steps, ASAP. Something needs to change. I can't tell you how many times in the past I've sat in the poor me's until I Poured me a drink. Have been told to get busy & only have a pity party for 5 min max. Not always easy if your in pain, but need to be tough!

Your post means a lot to me!... It speaks to me!.... "Not one, not ever", "We are what we believe", " Do I miss drinking?" "Yes". Thank you for your honesty!... I know it's OK even later down the road, that there will be times, I will miss it, but "not one", "not ever". It is "toxic", it is like "drinking gasoline", well it's Ethanol. No wonder my stomach still hurts. But, one day it will be better!... Time isn't my enemy so I've been told in the past, it's my gift. Just need to learn to be patient with myself. I won't regret it Byrdie. I'm already beginning to have glimpses of regaining a bit of my self pride (the good kind) & it's very nice to take responsibility for myself, my behavior. To dream of being a 1000 times better than I was before, seems so far right now. Check back with me


mama bear;1345936 wrote: I am thinking of you.....

Thank you sweet Mama Bear! It's so funny when I type your name, cause I always am texting the girls, Love, Mama Bear. I think I told you that when I first introduced myself to ya while back. Glad you had a nice sober 4th! I think of you too!

Tipplerette;1345976 wrote: Wildflower, you must be disappointed in your friends. People really do treat alcohol as the friend that they are most loyal to, don't they. If alcohol isn't the guest of honour, lots of people don't show. That is sad. I noticed since I'm not drinking that a boat ride isn't a boat ride without the beer and wine; fishing can't be done without beer; games have to include beer; campfires are not campfires without the booze. So I found a few great non-alcohol beers that are wonderful and everyone thinks i am getting buzzed right along with them. Consider that, Wildflower; it tends to fool people. I am getting a little sick of the drunks myself.

I think the name Kukaro is perfect for our Lake House. I may just name it that and hang a sign.

I am reading about meditation and spirituality and have to learn to just be more often. I do manage it sometimes but find myself reacting rather than accepting and that is not doing kukaro.

I was disappointed at first, but I do understand. I think maybe if it wasn't a big Holiday here, I might be more disappointed. At some point I will have to deal with this, but for now I'm protecting my sobriety like a Grizzly Bear would her cubs! Without my sobriety I won't have anything. I guess If I end up loosing friends over my sobriety they weren't my real friends to begin with! Spending time with people who drink a couple is one thing, but people who just want to get plowed every time, no thanks.

I've thought about Na beers, discussed it too, but at this time have decided against it. Some people can & I think that's great if it doesn't effect their sobriety. I just don't want to risk romanticizing the real thing. I drank for every reason possible that could be described, for decades. One big one is, I liked the effects of it, the buzz. Problem for myself is I'm an alkie & I over drink. Then I start thinking about the stuff a lot to. So, Na beers are off the table. I can find a whole new market, or make up some new AF drinks. I do see where it would fool people. Bet after they've had a few they don't care anyway. I bet they are annoying to some one in recovery. I think if I did go sit in a bar or was at a festivity it would annoy me, but worst part is I'd have to see the old me. Yikes.

I think that would be so cool if ya chose that name & had a sign hanging over your Lake House. I think you live in Canada too. It sounds a bit Canuck. Plus the meaning of the word is just peaceful & neat. By the way Canada is so very ~ very Beautiful!!!.....

As for spirituality & meditation I'm all for it!... It means different things to different people, but I simply couldn't live without it, in my life!..... It is a tremendous help to me! We all are just continuing to learn, to be, to be content, to be more grateful. Facing hardships in life without reacting, but rather learning to respond. Not easy, but nothing worthwhile that is good, including getting through hardships is. But we will prevail. One way we do this is, we lean on each other for support, we laugh, we cry together.... we love...

Anyway it's late & I have to be up early, hubs is off & we are going fishing. My second time going & no beer. Last time it was simply wonderful! More wonderful than I'd imagined & it will be again. I love the wilderness & nature!....

These drinking thoughts & feelings can be blown up. They can be conquered, we can stay sober. No, it's not easy all the time, but its worth it! I know over all, I'm happier, people around me are happier, my behavior is respectable. I'm a better & healthier person. Not near as depressed either. Still not sure who I am, but I'm emerging ever so slowly, but who ever I am, she can't be as bad as that drunk woman.

Thank you for your support, It really does help!...

Take Care,

Wildflowers :h :l

[MWOLady]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

Wildflower your post was inspirational, thanks. I'm in a mess and struggling but just took .25 Topamax and will have to titrate up again. I send you a pm about its use and SE's but I guess I'll have to try it again regardless of the SE's. I was able to keep sober for 3 months on Topamax, but then had a planned AL weekend - have not been able to be AF since then...major emotional/spiritual battles...

Reading posts like yours where you struggle too is very helpful. As I said I'm in an emotional mess over this silliness and wish I could go back to those few teen years before I started down this sorry path!!

Didn't mean to blather on....just thanks for your honest in your post.

[Byrdlady]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

Wildflowers...I am always here...I will keep a watchful eye on you...you are going places! Good places! PM me any time. Hugs to you, B

[Wildflowers]

Blew Up Those Drinking Thoughts Today It Wasn't With Fireworks

MWOLady;1346851 wrote: Wildflower your post was inspirational, thanks. I'm in a mess and struggling but just took .25 Topamax and will have to titrate up again. I send you a pm about its use and SE's but I guess I'll have to try it again regardless of the SE's. I was able to keep sober for 3 months on Topamax, but then had a planned AL weekend - have not been able to be AF since then...major emotional/spiritual battles...

Reading posts like yours where you struggle too is very helpful. As I said I'm in an emotional mess over this silliness and wish I could go back to those few teen years before I started down this sorry path!!

Didn't mean to blather on....just thanks for your honest in your post.
I'm glad you felt it was inspirational. I think most of us understand this business about struggling in regards to alcohol & life or we wouldn't have landed here at MWO!

Congratulations on your 3 months of sobriety! Now that your struggling again, a mess, you can compare the differences in being sober. Verses being a drunk, emotional, mental, spiritual & physical mess. I see your signature line reads survival. If you truly want to survive & get out of this mess, then you will have to want to give up drinking, more than drinking. I know you know this & it sounds simple, it is & it isn't. It's a shift in your mind, this is where it starts!.... Drinking brings misery & suffering! Stopping drinking for those of us that are addicted & esp those of us who are, or were badly addicted, brings good health, peace, happiness. Many other good things I hear, from others who have more time then me. Things that seem so far way at the moment, right now. But, I have a few dreams again.

We all wished we could go back in life & do things differently, but we can't. We need to learn to quit playing those would have, could have games. They lead no where. We will never find peace until we accept things the way they are. I'm talking about the things we can't change! All any of us has, is today! We aren't promised tomorrow!

Do you see where you write that you planned on drinking on the wknd? Start planning in your mind that you aren't going to drink any more! Envision alcohol differently now!... All of the negative impacts it's had on your life!.... Think of it as poison, pure rat poison, or gasoline!....

As for the Topamax it's only one tool in the tool box! Yes, your SE's sound normal, if you've been drinking heavy the night before. Some sound normal. Stay on a low dose 25 mg for two wks, cut back your drinking best you can. It takes about a month for them to go away with ea increase. See Kradles thread I posted some on there about mine. I will PM you Sun or Mon, maybe tom night. Will be gone tom. It sounds like it worked for you before. It helps me a lot, but remember it's only one part of this battle. I take a very low dose, compared to some. You can easily drink over it & then it doesn't work imo! I tried that too. I'm thinking you are tired of being on the Merry Go Round & want off for good? Your goal is AF ? Cause of your signature line. Or is it Modding?

I read the Canuck thread to get more familiar with your story today. I see a bit of a pattern. I'd like it if your willing, to read it when your sober, to see if you notice a pattern to. Also read what Sidney wrote about Topa. I will be in touch by PM soon. I will also re-read before I PM you back. Have to get off the PC. soon. Oh & blather away & PM me anytime. Helping you helps me too! :l

Byrdlady;1346907 wrote: Wildflowers...I am always here...I will keep a watchful eye on you...you are going places! Good places! PM me any time. Hugs to you, B

You may have no idea how much this means to me & my family!.... It means the world, Byrdie! Thank you from the bottom of my~ our hearts!.... :l

Almost anywhere I'm going, is going to be good now, I'd think!


Done With Alcohol 5/23/12