finally done it

[emily]

A couple of weeks ago my friend gave me a card reading and I had to pick out three cards - would you believe that one of them stated I had an addiction and I had to seek help!! I was gobsmacked.

Anyways, after another weekend of drinking I've finally rang up and booked an appointment with an alcohol counsellor. This is something I thought I would never do but that card getting pulled out told me that I needed help and I've finally admitted that I can't do this myself, I'm getting worse and worse as the weeks go by.

Role on Thursday- my pattern has been drink all weekend (usually from a Thursday) and then feel like shit on a Monday and promise not to do it again. I've noticed that by the time a Wednesday comes around I feel back on top of things and celebrate with a bottle or 2 of wine!! then that's me again until the Monday when I vow it will stop, it doesn't stop and I'm getting worse and worse. My appointment with the counsellor is on Thursday so we'll see...

[briseus]

finally done it

Freaky! About the card reading but...

Congratulations on making an appointment! It is a huge step. It took me a while before I did so as well...but it has proved quite helpful for me. I also recommend reading up on addiction as much as possible. There are so many great books that you can find (and read reviews) on Amazon.
Are you going to stay sober until your appointment?

Great job Emily - you are going to feel so much better for it - and your counsellor will be able to help you how to better prepare yourself when that addictive voice starts creeping back up.

Good luck to you.

[emily]

finally done it

yeah Bri it was freaky and a little embarrassing to be honest - I'd be absolutely humiliated if anyone knew the extent of my problem.

Last night my daughter commented sarcastically that I hate a drink!! another great moment

You're right, this is a huge step for me - I'm travelling into the city to see the Counsellor as I couldn't risk anyone in this area finding out. I just need someone's help - there is no-one at all that I know that I could trust to tell and no way I would go to a group. I feel I'm admitting how far out of my control this now is. I stopped in the past for around 2-3 years and I think I always thought I could summon up the power to do it again but as much as I've tried - I can't.

My work involves health and fitness so you can imagine how much of an absolute fraud I feel. I'm so anti junk food but hurl vast amounts of poison down my throat, WTF????

Thanks for your support, x

[FlyAway]

finally done it

Congratulations on taking this step. Acceptance is HUGE! :l

[briseus]

finally done it

Don't worry Emily - I'm very much the same. I am very gung-ho about healthy eating and the gym and whatnot and I did the same thing. Drank like a fish.

What had you go back to drinking after 2-3 years sober?
Didn't it feel amazing being sober?
I am just curious...
I am on day 15...I feel great! I don't want this feeling to go away - I know that life happens...the weekend was a bit tricky for me to be honest, but I made it.

And....I don't know if you missed this q - but are you staying sober until your appointment?

[emily]

finally done it

You know, when I stopped before I had hit another rock bottom but my training as a coach was starting and something inside me decided that if this is what I really wanted to do then I couldn't be seen as someone who drinks a lot.

I had my first drink (after stopping for 2-3 years) on Christmas day, the first christmas after my father died, he died Jan 2010. That first sip and that was me - I know now that I was totally blotting out my painful feelings but I didn't understand that at the time. I thought I would be able to drink moderately, yeah right!! look at me now. I know how good it feels too and I want it back. My life is a disaster just now financially and physically I should be in much better shape - I train well all week, well when I start to feel better then have an alcoholic weekend and so all that sugar goes straight to my belly. I know I would look amazing if I didn't do this!!! And if I stopped buying wine I;d have more money, it's friggin madness

[Sunbeam]

finally done it

Hi Emily,
You know there is great support here, you joined quite some time ago. It has certainly been a long learning experience for me. Like you, I did not drink daily, but too much on the weekend. I went AF fpr 2.5 months after finding this site, then convinced myself I could drink moderately. I did, for over three years, without going back to as bad as I was. I am just so tired of the struggle now, I have quit for good. Though I am only 3 weeks into this final quit, I am feeling very strong, really don't want to drink. I hope you will also be done for good. I am also curious about Bri's question: have you stopped drinking yet? I wish you great success.

[emily]

finally done it

well, went through to the Counsellor yesterday - I was so nervous - could hardly sleep the night before. I dropped off my husband's lunch (he had gone away to work without it) and when he said 'bye' I said, out of ear shot - 'I'm just going through to see an alcohol counsellor - it was all very surreal.

Anyway, it turned out to be just an initial assessment but the guy was lovely and it was AMAZING to be able to tell another human being about the misery I find myself in. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I explained that I can tell absolutely no-one that I have an addiction to alcohol because of my career etc and how my career is just limping along, my finances are in turmoil because I won't push myself because I feel like an absolute fraud (I advise people on healthly lifestyles, - yes I do!!!!) - apart from pouring poison down my throat I do live pretty well, BUT, I am no-where near reaching my full potential both business and physically because of my dirty little secret.

Coming back home, I thought to myself, 'imagine putting this on my facebook page!!'.

Anyway, I have not drank since Sunday and last night was a night where I would normally have kicked off the weekend session. I did not and did feel very fidgety and found myself standing in front of the fridge 'wanting something'.

I have decided not to drink at home anymore - it's going to be a rule, - this is where the devastation is happening.

I'll get a letter to tell me when my Counselling sessions will start - I just hope it is soon - in the meantime, I feel strong and enjoyed waking up this morning not with that horrible sluggish feeling.

I feel more productive and positive today and the house is tidy for the first time in months. OMG have my standards slipped!! Productivity both at home, on my business, with my clients, EVERYTHING has been at an all time low because I feel the person I want to be and the behaviours I have in place are two different things and I'M TERRIFIED of being found out.

[allswell]

finally done it

Hi Emily,

I'm glad to hear the initial consult went well. I know how you feel, I too felt like a fraud when dealing with clients. I now feel like I'm on top of my game and provide my clients the very best I have to offer and it's just one of the millions of ways life is so much better now. There is no better feeling than the feeling of freedom when alcohol is no longer a part of the picture.

[Sunbeam]

finally done it

Emily,
I am glad the counseling session went well, that is a good beginning. I once promised myself not to drink at home, but that didn't last long. I can't predict your future, I just relate my story.

[emily]

finally done it

yeah, Sunbeam, I have done that myself a few years ago too - even got hypnotherapy - What I did was I started going out to dinner A LOT so I could drink wine.

I'm not ready to fully commit to stopping forever 'yet' - I don't go out much now and couldn't afford dinner out now anyway so this is my first big obstacle.

What I do is go out and drink quite controlled - in front of others - then come home and make sure I've got wine in and get pissed afterwards, when everyone else is probably tucked up in bed I'm sitting in front of the telly getting buckled!!

So, my plan is to overcome the home drinking first of all as that's my biggest problem at the moment.

[Destiniey]

finally done it

Hi Emily and Welcome! It sounds like you have a plan and I wish you all the luck! Congrats on not drinking last night...baby steps, right?! Thanks for sharing your story and keep us posted!

[Sober Visitor]

finally done it

Hi Emily,

Congratulations on taking such positives steps to change your life for the better! It takes a huge amount of courage, but there's so much healing that comes with being able to safely share our stories with another person.

I had a similar experience with a psychic. I was about 22 years old at the time and had gone with three of my friends. The psychic told one of my friends that someone in our circle of friends was an alcoholic, and when my friend shared that snippet, I was dying a thousand deaths inside from the adrenaline flow because I knew deep down that the pyshic was referring to me. I tried my best to pretend like I had no clue who she could have been talking about and was so relieved when my friends didn't seem to know either. Phew! Saved by the bell, I thought to myself, but not really! As it turned out, I ignored the warning and continued down the wrong path for 25 more years.

Good for you for taking the warning seriously and doing something about it. I really wish I had done the same.

Sheri

[emily]

finally done it

Saturday night and struggling - I had to use everything I had to pull myself away from the Cava in the supermarket. My rule / plan is not to drink in the house anymore.

Last night was so easy!! Tonight is so hard!!!!

[Sunbeam]

finally done it

I am sorry you are struggling, but you are posting here because you want to change your behavior. You are taking a step, that is a good thing. It takes time to learn new behavior, that is one thought. But then, if a plan isn't working, then it needs to change.

Emily, we would welcome your posts on the Step at a Time thread. Perhaps you have read the thread. It includes others like you taking steps at various levels. I joined it because I didn't feel that I would be successful on a thirty day committment on a thread with that theme. The support of a group is a good thing.