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**Wally22** · July 9, 2012, 07:14 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

You are still pretty new into sobriety, so I wouldn't make any hasty decisions just yet. I understand you are just unloading and this is a safe place to do that, so go ahead.
But I find early in sobriety that I am a little touchier and quick to take offense than normal.
Having said that, I dont' think it's ever appropriate to speak to another human being that way. I would quietly take him aside and explain that it is hurtful when he uses foul and demeaning language to you and doubly so when he says it in front of the children.
Congrutalations on your AF time.:goodjob:

**LibraryGirl** · July 9, 2012, 07:47 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Dear Kradle:l, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. IMO, there is no reason to stay if you feel the way you do. The children will not be better off, and you definitely will not. It's scary and maybe it seems impossible, but you can do it on your own if you have the strong desire to do so. There are people/organizatons that can and will help you financially and otherwise. You will most likely have shared custody, won't you? (I don't know, forgive me for assuming), so it won't be all on you.

There is a way out of this, and AL is not a way out. It's a way of staying in. If you were just venting, then that's okay too. I'm here for you.:l

**briseus** · July 9, 2012, 08:03 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

I am sorry you are going through this Kradle.

I don't know why he is being mean to you...and I know how you feel - how you want a drink...but it isn't going to solve anything...and you should stay sober for your kids if you don't want to do this for yourself anymore. I am sure they would be proud of you for how far you have come along.

Hang in there Kradle.
We are all rooting for you - on your side...
With regards to the hub - I don't know what to say...he is obviously not very nice nor supportive of your efforts.

I am here if you need to talk.

Bri.

**pixie** · July 9, 2012, 08:32 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Kradle, So sorry that you are going through this. It's not right that he is treating you that way.

Stay sober for yourself. Dulling it will not make it go away.

I'm not going to dump on your thread, but I'm having serious issues with my marriage as well and I understand the desire to just 'f*ck it'. But if you stay sober, you can gather your resources and make rational decisions on what to do next.

Have you considered talking to a close friend, or a counsellor? Maybe they could give you insight on what is fueling your husband's harsh words and offer some advice on talking to him about it.

Please be well.

**unknownndoll** · July 9, 2012, 08:41 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

I think when you first stop drinking you are more on edge, but that is unacceptable. Really, it is abuse. Even if you start drinking agin, he is still an abuser. Divorce and separation are not the end of the word if it comes to that. You cant just go back to drinking and deal with this type of thing. You can get sober and make a good decision with a clear mind. Weather you stay or go, its best you have a clear mind, rather than going even more years being married, and wake up several years later wishing you would have gotten this taken care of a long time ago.

**Destiniey** · July 9, 2012, 09:50 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Oh Kradle....I am sending big hugs your way! :l I had been looking for you on here today..I sent you a reply to the PM you sent me...and I came on here before and just saw your thread! My heart goes out to you...it truly does! My husband is extremely degrading also. He knows that I am trying so hard to be AF and now that I am open with him in my struggle he has been using it against me. Geesh...thank God he doesn't know everything like people on here know about me...he just knows the bare minimum. A few weeks ago I took Dayquil because I thought I was catching my daughters cold and he called me a dumbass for taking medicine with AL in it. Then he proceeded to tell me how I can't take any medicine anymore because I am an alcoholic and that I was the one who fucked up and got myself into this mess. Wow.....encouraging....NOT! :upset:Enough about me...I just wanted to give you an idea of what I am going through so you can see that I can relate! Please, please stay strong during this rough time and don't take that first "Fuck you" drink......it's not worth it.....he's not worth it...nothing is worth it. In the end you will pay the price and you have come such a long way. Please PM me if you need to talk...I will be on here late tonight since I sleep like crap lately and the fact that I just had my last mug of iced coffee at 9 pm won't help the situation much....but it sure was good! Ha! So I will be here if ya need to talk!:l

**nancy** · July 9, 2012, 09:53 PM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

get a marriage counselor

Whether sober or still drinking they can help a lot. Sometimes things that seem beyond repair actually can be mended. Don't lose hope. And at the very least you can make sure that you don't damage your kids with your fighting.

**Wildflowers** · July 10, 2012, 01:30 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Dear Kradle,

I read this earlier & just have been wondering & even praying about what to say, that I might possibly be of some help & comfort to you. The first thing is no you don't deserve this, no person deserves to be abused!... I hate to say that we have all been abused & we all have abused.

I to have lived within an abusive marriage, like many of us. I also used alcohol & pot as a medication to escape, a temporary relief to numb. I won't get into details, but it was bad!. It did effect our kids. It effected both of us too!. But with that being said I~we went to marriage counseling it helped some, at this early time in our marriage.

Years later still drinking. I went again alone this time, for two years. My counselor had me go to these separate classes, where I learned a lot about myself & him. Learned about dysfunctional family systems & the brain. Watched videos, role playing simulations too. Good thing as I'm a visual learner. Work book stuff. Group discussions.

Little did I know that I too have a mental illness & need medication. Thus my need for medication, or I will drink!... Hubs didn't understand this either for years, but neither did I. It's not our fault hun. Thankfully, I get that now!... Work with the pros & get the help you need & deserve, not only for you, but for your family, you are all worth it!....

Our kids never went, but they have turned out pretty well. They are both loving, intelligent, work hard, one is college educated, the other in college. Our marriage is better then I ever could have dreamed. We truly are good friends. Even call each other Mama & Papa. Who would have ever thought. Would we marry again. Nope! Are there still broken fragments, that appear, yes. Marriage is difficult, it takes a ton of work & commitment. Could it still be better, yes. We continue to do just that. We also pretty quickly apologize these days to, when we've been wrong.

I was able to detach from my hubs at one point knowing they were his issues, not mine. One day I looked at him & explained to him that I understood why he called me names & was so mean to me. That I knew he really didn't mean it towards me & that I loved him like my brother & that I wanted to help him. Asked him if he was willing to go to counseling & he was.

Things are better today. He also knows when he starts putting me down now, I won't tolerate much of it anymore. He won't tolerate it from me either. We've established better boundaries. We have learned to show each other respect. We have been through a lot Kradle, a lot!.... It's been a long road, but it's been worth it!... We love each other today, even like each other!.... It's possible.

My drinking didn't help our marriage, our family, or me! I feel your pain!... I strongly suggest that at least you start going to counseling by yourself first & then the two of you, if he's willing. I'm not sure how you react, or respond when he puts you down. I tried different things with mine. Nothing seemed to work. But the repeated love one miffed him. Eventually it did, this was years later, after marriage counseling & some sobriety time. Also after my two year private counseling.

My husband also knows that he put me through hell, I gave some of it back too. I asked him why he stayed with me through my bad drinking days? He said he had a lot of making up to do.

Kradle, you don't have to do what I did. There are days I ask myself if it was worth it. I do have my reasons I stayed & they are private, at least out in the open. But, when I do, I have to be careful, not to play, the would, should, could, games with myself. Or the pity party song might start playing, leading me, to the poor me, poor me, POUR me a drink. It's OK to wander back to the past, but don't stare, so I've been told.

AA helped me a lot with life skills. My pride & ego & letting go of other people, setting boundaries. Being sober again, these things are coming back. My lost life skills, my clarity. I need them & need to stay sober!... I'm going to need them even more when the rough times hit, as we all know they will in life. I don't do any of this perfectly, by any means!... but I try to implement this "pause when agitated". Like the other day with him. At this point I don't take it as personal. It's him being irritated at something else, or some one. AA taught me to not drink at people, places or things, as I am powerless over them!

This truly is yours & his choice, whether or not you want to continue on in this union. You both already know that the kids are being effected by this. But, both of you have also brought in your own childhood pains into this marriage, like we all have. Along with all the daily stresses of living. There is no such thing as any perfect family. Only the two of you know how bad it is in the home. I do hope you will seek out some professional help.

Let me know if I can help you in any other way. :l

Love,

Wildflowers :h

**littlepinkcat** · July 10, 2012, 02:28 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

to be honest it doesn't sound like u stopping drinking has caused this its just msde u more aware of his behaviour as u were drunk a lot of the time so u could cope with it, he sounds like he doesn't deserve you.

**Tipplerette** · July 10, 2012, 09:27 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Kradle, my heart goes out to you. Quitting is difficult enough WITH support; it must be downright awful with no support but abuse in it's place. Stay strong for YOU and the kids. You deserve your sobriety and giving in to drink will only make things worse. I sense a very strong woman in that Avatar and you have me rooting for you 100%. Imagine yourself in a year's time; strong, sober and free to make choices that benefit you and your kids; not trapped, fearful and dealing with a crippling disability like drunkeness.

xoxo

**drinkingal** · July 10, 2012, 11:00 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

kradle I think you are amazing getting sober with such little support from your DH. I agree with what someone else said about getting some counseling for you, just having someone to bounce things off might help you to feel supported and stay strong. I also think you need to take a stand with your DH, tell him outright that it is frickin hard getting sober, and his behaviour and comments make you feel like you want to get drunk just to be around him. I think he needs a wake up call. If it is at all in his interests that you be sober, he needs to check himself and stop being such an ass. I don't think he even understands how hard he is making this for you, and maybe that's from resentment, maybe it's just the way he is, but he needs to decide if he wants to be married to a drinker, or someone sober, and if it's the latter he needs to wake up to himself and stop making it harder. I would tell him outright, "you make me want to drink just so I don't have to deal with you and the shit you lay on me" and maybe he'll start to get it.

**FlyAway** · July 10, 2012, 11:14 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Kradle if your husband talks to you like that then you are being abused. It sounds to me like there has been a power struggle going on in your marriage and your husband has taken your admission to having trouble with alcohol as a sign of weakness and is trying to ramp up his position of "authority." I think you should talk to a lawyer. :l

**Mick** · July 10, 2012, 11:23 AM

Don't Think I can Take much more...

Kradle,
I am pretty new on here, but I have seen your posts.Keep strong..I know its easy for me to put down on a key board,but you have got your children to look out for.At the moment you are being abused by one...your husband,if you let it alcohol will do that too, giving you twice the hassle.Keep going Kradle you deserve it

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