Sobering Thoughts

[briseus]

With this sober time under my belt I am able to think more clearly.
Sometimes I don't want to.

My boyfriend - once again - has made it clear to me by his actions that I am not a priority in his life.
This really hurts. And as much as he keeps apologizing to me up and down - well, I ant seem to accept it.
I have changed for him. But he doesn't even show he is proud or anything.
He doesn't show that I'm his one and only or anything. He keeps putting others before me and this hurts tremendously.
I am so angry with him that I want nothing to do with him but at the same time I want him to really show that he cares!
Maybe it is a codependency thing. I don't know.

All I know is I want to scream swear words and tell him to eff off and I can't even be away from him because I have nowhere to go because alcoholism has made me a hermit.
And this is his Moms house so I always feels so alone and uninvited.

I hate what I have become and what I allow others to do to me.
It might not be that bad in the grand scheme of things but spiritually and emotionally it is really messing me up.
I want to say to him I am done but that is just anger.
Or is it?

All I know is there is A LOT of booze in this house and I don't want to cry anymore and put myself through more of this fucking pointless misery where I am going to be told that I am overreacting and being immature.

It is too much!!!!!!

[LibraryGirl]

Sobering Thoughts

Bri, it will be okay. It's good that you're seeing things more clearly now. Don't make any sudden changes, and just start making (small) plans or investigate other avenues that you might take in the future, if necessary. Trust me, having a plan, even if it's only in your head, gives you more confidence and hope.

Do Not use AL to deal with these feelings. You know why.:l

[mauritiusdodo]

Sobering Thoughts

Bri, I don't presume to know your exact circumstances but I do know how an old boyfriend made me feel when I didn't do a thing to deserve it, If you are in a relationship you know is one-sided or he isn't appreciating you then you need to address the situation - don't sell yourself short hun x

[dixon]

Sobering Thoughts

I am ditto suffering like Bri..either I canterminate our relationship with my wife or can accept her..now I am living alone and repairing myself with plan as LG says.It's already been one year when started living separately.She also can't leave me,I love her,she loves me but there's a big wall which is EGO..
I want to accept her but.....my low self esteem stops me..now my energy is to rectify myself.
Dix

[dixon]

Sobering Thoughts

Anyway life doesn't go well with boozing...this is short term.
May be you can say him you can't take AL showing a minor physical problem to him.if he loves you then ok otherwise there is no longterm.
Dix

[briseus]

Sobering Thoughts

Thanks everyone.
I know I should drink. It won't help.
To be honest I don't want to drink and if I did - then I would end the relationship. Because after that there is no point because it would become evident that I don't love myself.

So I haven't touched any liquor.

I am so sad though because I don't know what to do.
Since quitting things have been better. But it still seems to me that he isn't giving his half to the relationship.

We have no goals as a couple.

Is that not a bad thing??

[Sunbeam]

Sobering Thoughts

Bri,
I am no expert, but I read those advice columnists. Probably things will stay the same unless you make them change. No goals together may mean no change.

You can't change him, you can change only you and your reactions toward him.

I am sorry you are sad, but happy that you are not drinking and able to see your situation more clearly. Sometimes reality is painful.

Take care of yourself first. We are here to support you.

[aihflvt]

Sobering Thoughts

Bri, I notice a recurring theme of your posts is that you've become somewhat reclusive because of your drinking. I think I can relate to what you are saying. I feel a sort of overpowering heaviness when I haven't left the house for a few days, especially after a binge. I force myself out. If I'm going to troll the internet, I might as well do it around other people, whether at the local public library or a coffee house with wifi. Other alternatives include the movies (I'm always self-conscious about doing things alone, so I always go to the afternoon movies by myself when the theater isn't packed - plus it's a good way to get out of the midday heat), or just spending time in a park or some other pleasant outdoor environment. Anything to get me around other people.

[Supercrew]

Sobering Thoughts

I don't know about you Bri, but for me being a problem drinker/alcoholic was really a sign of a bigger problem for me to get a handle on. I was extremely self centered. The many times I quit drinking I looked at it like I was doing my wife a favor...and that's why it didn't stick. I learned I had to be selfish for my sobriety and do it for me, but then I had to realize the the world doesn't revolve around me, and for me to see change in my life I couldn't wait for others, I had to take action for myself.

So it was sort of a mixed message. Now the only thing I am really selfish about is my sobriety, and if I want to see changes in my life I don't expect people to change for me. I take the steps necessary for change, while at the same time making sure my decisions are ecological and benefit more people than just myself. I find more gratitude and happiness in helping others succeed in getting what they want, and making someone else change to benefit me is only asking for disappointment.

Congrats on your sober time!

[mama bear]

Sobering Thoughts

thinking of you Bri and LOVE Super's comments....

[Supercrew]

Sobering Thoughts

Thank you Mama Bear! I just found it is easier to live when I realized that the only thing that I really have any control over is me, and I can also control how I feel about things and how I react to things that I can't control. But changing things that I really have no control over is a losing proposition. I am a much happier person now because of this mindset.

[Wildflowers]

Sobering Thoughts

Me to Coach Crew! Glad ta see ya here!

I think this along with something KateH1 said when I first arrived here is, the key to lasting happy ~ sobriety, is to nurture yourself. Now this isn't always easy to do, when your time is competing. But, that's when you have to employ the thinking skills that I have no control over things sometimes, it's how effective I am, in my reactions to them.

It's early days for me, so I am no expert, but I am sure as heck, going ta give it my all! Scared of dieing! Have been playing around with the poison for too long! Some beautiful wise bird told me "Not One ~ Not Ever". One day at a time. No body here ever, ever give up! You all are so very important & beautiful!.... Now I might cry. Dang emotions.

Supercrew;1351261 wrote: Thank you Mama Bear! I just found it is easier to live when I realized that the only thing that I really have any control over is me, and I can also control how I feel about things and how I react to things that I can't control. But changing things that I really have no control over is a losing proposition. I am a much happier person now because of this mindset.

[briseus]

Sobering Thoughts

Sorry if it came out wrong...I am not trying to change my boyfriend at all..I am saying that I have made all these little changes, this progress and he hasn't shown that he cares much...we did talk last night and things seem to be okay. We are working on them.

I just get so upset - I don't know how to deal with these emotions...not right now anyways...without booze...I didn't drink at all...I sat there and worked through my emotions. Practised mindfulness.

Thanks everyone for advice and confidence.
I really appreciate it all.

xo

[Supercrew]

Sobering Thoughts

I don't think what you said came out wrong at all. And for the record I'm not judging you or what you are going through. But it does sound like you would like your boyfriend to act differently, you blame alcoholism for you being a hermit, and you feel trapped in your boyfriends mothers home.

Two of those things you can change if you want to, and the third you can try to change by communicating with your boyfriend what you expect...which it sounds like you are trying to do. I would recommend writing down the things that you want to change that are within your power and focus on them and solutions to them. As for how your boyfriend treats your accomplishments, you have to realize that he isn't the one with the drinking problem, so he doesn't realize that it is a major accomplishment for people like you and me to go to a party and not get drunk. He will never understand what kind of willpower and strength that takes, so he will never be able to really give you the big pat on back that you deserve.

My wife has never been a drinker, and although she now knows how hard it was for me, I think she only pats me on the back because she knows it makes me feel good...because I told her. Otherwise she was the one who could never understand why I had to start drinking 3 hours before a party and why she always had to drag me out even though I was the last one there. And I realized that i couldn't expect her to feel for me, because she could never really understand why I had the problem to begin with, or really what was going on inside my addicted brain. So I had to change the way I reacted to her lack of praise when I was accomplishing something that seemed really hard for me, but for 90% of the population is no problem at all. Her thought has always been, "I don't have a problem with alcohol, so why do you"? Anyways, keep it going and stay strong! You can do it!

[BakerExtraordinaire]

Sobering Thoughts

I want to say that Supercrew has given fantastic advice.
I've read over a few of your posts, Bri, and I know you are young (like me)...you'd still got a long life ahead of you, a life outside of your hermit shell, a life to find a supportive and loving boyfriend/companion. Can you realistically see that person being him? It's not such a bad idea to take this time to figure out if you can really grow as a couple.

Earlier this year, I almost lost my boyfriend. My tumultuous relationship with booze almost cost me everything, and I considered leaving him (before he could leave me?) Anyway, our stories are a little different, but he fully supports my recovery. If he wasn't behind me 100%, I wouldn't be with him. Give him some time to come around, but explain that this is important to you. His support, his understanding, his effort in the relationship are important.