Damn I Suck!

[UrbanFool]

I've been away a long time, but my drinking started up a couple months ago bigtime. It culminated in slitting my wrist with a razor a few days ago.

My mom (who sat at the hospital with me until about 2 in the morning) wishes I had told them I didn't want to go home, and my husband really doesn't know what to do with me. My shrink doesn't know yet although I'm sure she will soon. I think all the records are electronically connected.

Once I add up all of the things that drove me to drink in the first place, I just want another drink. My fears and worries (or terrors) are still there. I know there's no problem that drinking ever solved. But I just don't know what to do.

I'm newly on Prozac again. I had quit it after like 5 years or something because my memory was zero. It was really bad. I'm just hoping it gets me through cosmetology school and then I can quit it again before it gets bad. The doctor at the hospital tells me it takes 4-6 weeks to get up to working level though.

At the moment, I have a 2 week leave from school. I have to go back on the 13th.

I was doing SO well!!!! I was really excited about school, and taking all of the volunteer opportunities we have, and then just all of these things happened and it was like rolling down a mountain and bouncing here and there before landing straight on my face.

Embarrassed, but alive. I'm still trying to get the blood out of my carpet, it looks like a murder scene, and I have 10 staples in my wrist. I wish I would've opted for stitches since my husband could just remove those himself --and save myself the visit to the doctor.

[mama bear]

Damn I Suck!

Oh honey....I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry...depression and AL suck.....trust me, I know.

[Struggles 106]

Damn I Suck!

Oh wow

Soooo sorry to hear this! You sound like a smart woman-please take advantage of all the help you can get. I take Prozac and of course it's not for everyone but it definitely helps me with depression.

As I'm sure you know alcohol is a depressant so that is no good.

I wish you well

[nancy]

Damn I Suck!

good psych care

Are you sure you are getting the right diagnosis? Do you have health insurance? Sounds like you are skimping on care.
Who said it's depression to be treated with Prozac- a primary care doc or someone more specialized? I am wondering if you have something more serious like bipolar depression.

On the meds part of this site a lot of people are talking about the benefits of baclofen for anxiety.

You can still be excited about school and other opportunities! Enjoy the things you can enjoy.

[UrbanFool]

Damn I Suck!

The Prozac is the only thing I can think of that helped --at least for a while. And I'm on Medicare so I pay for most of my meds myself. I tried a million things, and can count off completely unacceptable side effects... like throwing up every meal (although I lost about 30 pounds... can't entirely complain about that.) and the last was Viibryd which I think is for schizophrenia or something, but supposedly it's worked in some cases of severe depression and anxiety. Frankly, in the early days of meds I was drinking, so it's hard to tell if they even worked. But the last gazillion meds I did not drink, I just gave them my best shot.

My doctor said I could take ONE class at the community college, so what do I do? I sign up for Cosmetology School! I was fine until a couple months ago.

BLAH!

[tiptronic_ct]

Damn I Suck!

Hey, Kelly

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well :l:l:l

Glad to see you're back when in need of support, though. I hope you can knock this on the head again.

[UrbanFool]

Damn I Suck!

I surely hope so! My husband has never drank, so it's a complete mystery to him... except for the slit wrist.

That sent an enormous message. Unfortunately it was the message of "sending Kelly to a home."

[nancy]

Damn I Suck!

meds

Well there are a lot of generic meds available. I guess I am wondering with the severity of your depression if you might have bipolar depression or something aside from run-of-the mill depression. The meds are different and sometimes bipolar is misdiagnosed as other conditions. So your meds are not covered but do you see a psychiatrist, someone who can prescribe meds, in addition to a therapist?

What's happened in the last two months? Are you saying this came totally out of the blue?
Never fear, you will work this out!

[UrbanFool]

Damn I Suck!

It wasn't instantaneous.

My husband has been mostly unemployed for 3 years. He finally gets what seems like a good full time job a few weeks ago. Am I happy? No. I'm terrified he's going to lose it. Can I help? No. I'm on disability and couldn't hold a job to save my life. I'm not even sure I can save MY life.

His mother sends us $10,000 and am I happy? No. I'm terrified it's going to be pissed away. And it pretty much was, the IRS took it. I don't even know how we could possibly owe that much money to the IRS. I haven't worked in nearly 10 years. And my husband hasn't had a full time permanent job in most of that time.

We had a storage unit and he let it go. That was MY furniture, the stove I promised my stepmom would stay in the family, and he just let it go --and then lied about it. A million times when it was paid up I wanted to just bring my stuff here... irreplaceable stuff, and even just put a tarp over it in the backyard, but no.

The school? I thought it would be awesome. Instead, I'm treated like a 16 year old. (I'm 46.) The woman I have to deal with in the administration office rolls her eyes at me like I'm a freakin idiot every time I have to talk to her. The eye rolling really does drive me insane. It's SO disrespectful. And they fire the good teachers constantly, so you always have someone new and have no idea what's going on in your class.

I could go on and on. I'm REALLY trying to be grateful, count my blessings, etc., but I'm at the point that I just want to be dead. The drinking is just a midpoint.

[Wagoneer]

Damn I Suck!

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please, just don't drink so you can tell if the meds help. Please take care of yourself. We are your friends here.

[LibraryGirl]

Damn I Suck!

Kelly, you mention financial problems, losing cherished items, tough time acclimating to school...all of those things can be overcome. They seem terrible and insurmountable when you are in the throes of depression, or drinking, but they are not. It's not the situation but your reaction to the situation. Think of the people who have no choice and know their days are numbered (cancer patients, etc.). They would give away all material possessions just to feel the sunshine on their face for a few more months, years...Put things in perspective and yes, start counting your blessings.

It's easy for me to say, and I am guilty of obsessing about my (in the large scheme of things) insignificant problems. However, it is good to realize that we were not put here to be financially successful, have lots of material goods, or even to get along with everyone else. We all have a purpose, and it's our duty to find out what it is. Let's try and savor this day.:l:l

[nancy]

Damn I Suck!

anything else?

Are you sure nothing deeper is going on Kelly? Were you worried about losing your husband?
Why would you try to kill yourself over things you yourself say are not really problems.
Or did you slit your wrists to see if people would care about you?

[UrbanFool]

Damn I Suck!

Well, I CAN be rational, just not in my head/actions. I'm still full of terror. I realize the above is not the end of the world --everyone's life has static, but for me they seem insurmountable.

[Wildflowers]

Damn I Suck!

I'm not a professional counselor!...

I'm with Nancy, I think there is something more going on!... ??? I'm thinking a proper diagnoses hasn't been given. This almost sounds like PTSD. Which can cause horrible anxiety, terror, feelings of doom, severe depression!....

I do hope, pray if you begin to have more than just suicide ideology & start drinking which can lead to acting on these thoughts & feelings, you will return to the hospital, or call your PDr. Please seek out help immediately, if your in distress!.... Call a friend, family member, or 911.

With a proper diagnoses & treatment you can recover hun!.... Also maybe seek out specific forums that deal with these symptoms. There is a med boards here with very wise & caring people!

Thinking of you, praying for you!.... Hoping you feel better soon!... Look for one small thing that gives you peace & some joy!... Something in nature maybe, eat a little something, drink plenty of water, be good ~ gentle ~ kind ~ patient to you hun!... There is hope!.... Don't give up!.... You deserve to be happy & healthy!... You are worth it!!.... You don't suck!.... You are sick!... Sick people don't suck!... You are beautiful & smart!.... :l :h

[SKendall]

Damn I Suck!

I agree with the posters here who think you should get a more accurate diagnosis. You mention fear alot and that should be addressed. Your teacher is VERY disrespectful of you. When things become insurmountable for me I break them down into manageable parts, but that is difficult to do when overwhelmed and fearful.

I'm glad you posted because you must believe you have purpose in this life and your life is relevant and precious.

Stay in touch!