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[mommyKW]

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Guitar, SuperCrew, Daisy & Paula… your prompt help and advice is much appreciated! Gave me a lot to think about. In the end I've decided that I'm not ready. Will pick one of those excuses

SuperCrew… read and re-read your story and found it inspirational. Thanks for sharing.

[mommyKW]

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And Paula... Congratulations on completing 30! Wish you the best for the next 30

[Raven2012]

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Mommy kw

Wow, You have amazing courage! That is quite a dramatic change to take on alone. May I ask how you were able to keep things together professionally while drinking? I can only imagine the transition you must be going through. I too have two little ones, a pressure filled career and have found myself on a slippery slope. It's now day five. I'm taking the supplements and ordered some topimax which I don't know if it's helping or not but if I need a entire arsenal I'll buy it to keep this nonsense from continuing. I kept my drinking contained to the evenings but that can do plenty of damage - I've sent too many loopy emails to count that I had to explain later on, uh, yes, I was up late and I was, er, tired, yes, very tired.!

At any rate best of luck on your next few days. Congrats on your decision, I'm sure your whole family will notice a new brighter you!

[K9Lover]

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Hi Mommy,
I applaud you for not putting yourself in a boozy situation right now. It's just too early, and why do that to yourself? It will get easier in time. You must be at about 8 days now right? Keep up your great work. Byrdylady has a great saying that I love, so I will quote her, just don't drink "no matter what, no matter who".
Hang in there and let us know how you're progressing!
K9

[mommyKW]

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Raven, I loved reading your post. Put a smile on my face. Thanks for the compliments
Also Congratulations on making it to day 5. These first days can be soooo tough. I looked in the toolbox and decided to "urge surf". Whenever an urge comes on I think of three things - "I am not a drunk", "I love my kids" and "I don't want to end up like Nige in 'Rain in my Heart'". Yes, I forced myself to watch "Rain in my Heart", difficult as it was. It gave me a harsh dose of reality, which I badly needed.

As far as loopy emails goes… been there done that. Even made phone calls, attended social gatherings while drunk. Next day… no clue what I said or did. Ugh. Used to ask DH to fill me in with the sordid details until he got tired of it.

I don't know how I kept things together at work while drinking. In some ways it gave me a boost, but was also a double edged sword. I feel that us career moms are under a lot of pressure. Work all day in a high stress competitive environment, then come home and put dinner on the table. There are high expectations to be the over-achiever at work and also the "perfect" wife and mother. Some of us succumb to the pressure by resorting to alcohol. No wonder then that so many of us are closet alcoholics. I'm not making excuses… just trying to rationalize.

Anyways, I'll end my rant here. Wish you all the best on your journey!

[satz123]

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Hi Mommy
You are EXACTLY where I was from February this year. I did what you are doing & would wake up with great intentions. By 5.30 I was in the car & off to buy a bottle on the way home from work.

BUT ............ the seed was sown logging in here every day & getting to know people.
At first I couldn't imagine even one day without a glass of wine while making dinner.
No great dramas happended when I drank or anything or getting legless - but it bothered ME !
I then dabbled in AF outings etc and surprised myself by being very proud of the fact I wasn't drinking. Nothing mega - just meals out etc. Said I'd drive.

By July the seed had sprouted & on July 2 - I said I can DO this. And haven't had a drink since.
It's quite amazing really. Sometimes I think of the 'buzz' but then fast forward & think of the next day - worried I have a problem.

So keep going - you will get there - I am sure of it.
Think of taking Antabuse - works a treat - takes away the 'will I ?' 'won't I ' ? when a craving hits 'cos you'll be very sick if you do. Absolutely NO side effects for me.

[resrchqueen]

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Mommy K you are an inspiration! I am also a wine lover... and I have very good days where I can drink very moderately , not so good days and then the very bad days... I use wine to relax which it does accomplish for me but only TEMPORARILY. I am on Celexa and have read some articles that suggest that SSRS like Celexa can cause people to crave to drink.... I am going to get myself off this stuff in the next couple weeks because it is a nightmare combined with any alcohol... moderate or not. Good job on your fight!

[Raven2012]

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Hi Mommy,

Just wondering how you are doing. I am just one week away from the little ones going back to school. How are you handling things? How are your girls? Please check in and let us know how you're doing. I had a slip up last week, unintended of course, but it was me just testing the waters I guess. I still feel good about my progress overall.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[mommyKW]

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Checking in after a few days and happy to say that I've made it through to day 15 AF!! That's halfway towards my 30 day goal Feeling great… a natural "high". Couldn't have done it without all the positive encouragement from the wonderful people on this site! I have begun to detest alcohol and the power it has had over me.

Satz… Ta muchly for your advice. It IS really amazing. Hope I make it AF as long as you have. Congratulations!

rQueen… Wish you the best in your fight too… do share an update on how you're doing. We're all in this together. Also, your nice words reassured and further motivated me to continue on this journey… Thanks

Raven, nice to hear from you. My girls are back at school this week and I'm back to extra hectic mornings. I must admit I had a bit of a craving the first day as I'd habitually rely on wine to get me through the mornings (shame), but I made it through without a sip (whew!). I'd like to know more about how you tested the waters and succeeded. I read the AA literature and what put me off was the first step - admitting to be "powerless" over alcohol. I'm not sure I want to be labeled as "powerless". I'd prefer instead to be in control, but I don't know if that is possible. I've been testing my self-control these past two weeks. So, please share.

Lastly, I'd like to mention a phrase that's been popping into my mind these last few days. It is helping me counteract the ongoing feelings of guilt, shame, regret etc. from mistakes made in the past as a result of my drinking habit. (Thinking of them has been driving me crazy, but I know I cannot change the past.)

"You cannot drive a car forward while looking in the rear view mirror."

Best to you all.

[paula]

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MommyK, that's great news well done. I love the quote, I will take it on board, my problem has always been guilt, shame etc.I could drive myself mad with it. We do have to let go of all these defeatist thoughts and emotions, only then can we move on.Good luck on the next 15 days, I can assure you that it does get easier as time goes on.

[mommyKW]

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Help!!! I am on day 29 AF, a day away from my goal of 30. Made it though all the AL urges of the past weeks, but today I have just suffered a setback in my professional life - too painful to give the details. It is not my fault, but it has affected my self esteem which is now close to rock bottom and I'm feeling severe depression (sobs). Only thing keeping me from thoughts of suicide is remembering my two lovely little girls. I am CRAVING AL so bad as it would instantly rid me of these awful thoughts and feelings. Help. In tears now and feeling alone.

[K9Lover]

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Mommy :l

Please, please remember that alcohol does not HELP anything. All it can do is make you "forget" for a while...but when the buzz wears off, you're left with a hangover and the same problems you were running from.

Keep your little girls at the front of your mind. They don't want their mommy to commit suicide, either quickly or more slowly with alcohol.

I KNOW how hard this can be. Fast forward to how BAD you will feel tomorrow if you drink, both emotionally and physically.

Take a long walk, read a book, clean a closet, take a bubble bath, polish your toenails, scrub the oven.....anything to stay busy. Read your girls a LONG story.....just don't drink, you will regret it!

Please let us know how you're doing :h

[Raven2012]

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Hi mommy

I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. I know how easy it is to play these things back and analyze them. Looking for clues along the way. I was very glad to hear you say , "not my fault"
You have been on the right track this month and there is no reason to undo the great work you've done. Maybe with you making a fresh start your career will too.

Think good thoughts. Please keep your little ones close and stay close here. You've come a long way and good things will come from the positive changes you've made. For your family, your career, and most of all yourself. Believe that they will.

[scottish lass]

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I was strolling thru posts and read this - I am so sorry!! However, nothing can be worth the pain that you will cause your daughters. Hang on, ride it out - get some help if you are able, put a little time between your choices, PAUSE! Your girls need you more that you will ever know - I know this as I work with people affected by suicide.
So many of us have been thru so much here, the stories never cease to amaze me. I have also hit rock bottom and am crawling back up - sometimes it just does not seem possible, but i have to believe the alternative is even worse.
You have achieved so much, look at all your success. You say this recent situation is not your fault, so don't let it win, don't let the circumstances ruin all that you have achieved.
Stay strong and let us know how you are doing - reach out, there are lots of us here willing and wanting to help. I knwo i have taken enough help from this site myself...:l

[mommyKW]

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Thanks K9, Raven and ScottishL.

You helped me get through that horrible depressive suicidal episode of day 29. I took your advice and forced myself on a long lonely hike in the hills, and away from AL. Day 30 should have been a day of optimism and positive feelings… after all, I had reached my goal, but guess what, I chose to celebrate… with AL. Not an excuse, but that's the way I've "celebrated" all my life.

I am grateful for this community.. I don't feel judged or hated, instead welcomed with all my faults in tow. MWO was my first turn-to in one of my deepest struggles.

If you don't know already, I hope you realize how much your kind and simple words are capable of helping someone in need.

_________________________
"Let It Be" - The Beatles