Announcement

**nancy** · August 19, 2012, 01:02 AM

Bit of guilt...

counselor

Hi Bris,
My advice is to listen to your counselor because they see you all the time and know you well. if you trust that person, use them and follow what they say.
Good luck.

**FlyAway** · August 19, 2012, 07:03 AM

Bit of guilt...

briseus;1366167 wrote:
The last few days I have been feeling guilty about the way I treated some people during my drinking days...some of them deserve the treatment that they got...and I know this in the back of my mind. But since I am such a people pleaser and OCD and want everyone to like me I feel for some stupid reason that even though I am not in the wrong that I should apologize to these people in order to continue along with my sobriety...
I haven't been to AA in a while as there is a particular person that has been so incredibly pushy about the whole thing - and rude about it to boot - that it has turned me off for now...
Apparently since I don't go to AA I don't "want it bad enough"...umm....right..

Anyways...
Does anyone else have these feelings from time to time..?
I am trying to make amends with some and it seems like they don't want to make amends with me...there are a few that were terrible friends and I called them out on it...but I was also a drunk and I was an angry and mean person as well...I allowed people to form opinions of others for me...thus leading me to follow around everyone else sheepishly...hiding...drinking...forgetting...reme mbering...drinking some more...forgetting...black out...
Guilt guilt guilt...

Some of these people honestly don't deserve a second chance as they used them all up and have used me to no end..why do I keep going back?

My counsellor says it is because I am trying to fix everything else around me except myself...that I am a people pleaser...that I put others first...that is true...I need to start looking out for me though.

Do not confuse your sobriety with needing people to like you. You say that some of these people don't deserve a second chance and have treated you poorly. Yet you want them to like you (I think). So if they like you because you apologized and now they think you're a nice person, do they really like Bri or do they like a false Bri who is acting like someone she's not? Do you want people to like you or some fake Bri who exists only in their head? Know this; you are okay right now, just as imperfect as you are. And people will like you and people will dislike you no matter how you act. You can never be perfect enough for everyone to like you and if you are acting that way (perfect), you're probably not being Bri in the first place. So all of those people who like you because you're perfect don't really like you. Be Bri; Bri is just fine and your value is not judged by how many people love you, but by how much you love yourself. Imagine this: You're going about your business, doing the best you could ever do and being the best person you could ever be and you're happy with yourself and happy with your life. Then you hear that someone thinks you're a bitch. Would you be hurt? If so, why? You're doing the best you can do and you're happy with yourself. You didn't think you were a bitch 30 seconds before being called one, so why do you think you're any less worthwhile now? Because someone else thinks that? If someone called you a banana would you think that too? OMG, I'm a banana! It sounds absurd, but you know damn well you're not a banana and you knew damn well 30 seconds ago that you aren't a bitch either. Your love and your value comes from you. Know that you are a good person and love yourself and then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

As far as apologizing goes, if someone doesn't deserve a second chance then let it go. But there have been times in the past where someone has said or done something that pissed me off and rightfully so, but I overreacted in telling them how I felt and later felt ashamed about how I acted. And in those cases I've apologized for how I acted, not for being angry in the first place. It's not that I want them to like me, it's that I was disappointed in myself. And I was very clear in my apology what it was that I was apologizing for. I'd say something like, "Remember when we were discussing XXXXXX and I got upset with you? I just wanted to say that I handled that poorly. I don't agree with your opinion, but I acted childish and disrespectful in my response and I want to apologize. I value your friendship (or opinion or whatever) and we should be able to disagree without things getting so heated."

People can accept or not accept your apology. And this goes back to the loving yourself thing. Know that you apologized and did your best. You can't be any better than your best. And be okay with the result. It's all you can do if you're going to be the authentic Bri.

**itsmytime** · August 19, 2012, 08:05 AM

Bit of guilt...

Briseus,
That is exactly why I drank. I drank to forget, it was a viscious cirlcle of drinking to forget, do something else stupid then drink to forget that...repeatedly it was awful. I too have ocd and it is challenging at times and it is 100 times worse when AL is in the mix.

I am on Day 35 and the ruminations are getting weaker and I know they will all but disappear with more AF time. It is very painful emotionally and easy to pick up a drink to ease the pain, but we need to push through the thoughts and know they are only thoughts and let them pass. Meditation and exercise works the best, I have added a new natural supplement called Amoryn to help me these first months. I have tried so many antidepressants but the side effects were too bad for me. I am hoping this works as well without the side effects.

There are ppl I need to apologize to as well, but the one person I really need to is myself. I need to forgive myself and let go of the guilt to be able to remain sober.

Take care,
IMT

**lil.michelle** · August 19, 2012, 01:39 PM

Bit of guilt...

I'm 2 years sober and I still feel guilty sometimes. I just remind myself that, although it was a terrible period of my life, it's in the past and it made me who I am today. I'd just leave it. Most people have most likely forgotten. Leave the past as that, the past. When you feel the guit, think of the future.

**dixon** · August 19, 2012, 03:45 PM

Bit of guilt...

Hi Bri,

Sorry to hear that bad happens to you !!
I think it is normal happening to all of us who are involved in Binge.
Regarding to offer a pleasure to others , I think we must be a self content ,happier,self respected enough first.In the journey of sobriety , we should not care what others say but should be pretty sure that we are doing good for ourselves and that counts our value.
I think , if we do not have good stuffs to offer others that would be not only worthless but a disastrous to others and us as well.A void person, who is influenced by Al,drugs hardly can offer a pleasant moment to others cause , our definition of pleasure at that time will be far different from the reality.

So , May I suggest you here to be a selfish first,focus on yourself,make you stronger,self content and happier then we can offer a good to others.You can offer others what you have . Isn't it ? .If you are on black out what can you offer good ? .
Its my own technique to make me fulfilled but can differ person to person.

Wish you all the best for your sobriety.
Dix

Welcome Guest to My Way Out Forums.

Announcement

Bit of guilt...

Bit of guilt...

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment