is waking up at 3:00 a.m. with the clear decision that I have to stop. It's the only time of the day when I know with a certainty that only by not drinking, will I fulfill my promise and potential as a human being. At 3:00 a.m. I am awake, shaky, dehydrated and alone.
Hubby had me convinced that sharing a bottle of red wine most evenings was a well deserved, relaxing way to end the work day. Of course, I was open to the suggestion. Last night I suggested we open the second bottle and we did. We only had one glass each of the second bottle but it was enough to cause the 3:00 a.m. wakefulness and for this I am thankful.
We had sex which was quite good although I don't recall the details but remember commenting on how wonderful it was afterwards so it must have been. How sad. It takes very little alcohol for me to black out details.
Re-read the last few chapters of Jason Vale's book this morning. I have had two A/F periods in the past year both lasting a few weeks. The only thing that got me back to my half bottle a night habit (more on weekends) is a momentary "what the hell" moment. Those are so unpredictable and usually preceeded by stressful situations.
So, once again, I hope to stop living in the shadow of all I can be. I pray that I stay wise to the fact that all it takes is one drink to slowly begin the slide to the 3:00 a.m. internal discussions.
I am not a huge drinker. It doesn't matter. I cannot cope with drinking emotionally. I don't want to waste another precious moment thinking about drinking unless it's part of my journey of weaning myself off these thoughts.
So, I thank the universe for those 3:00 a.m. wake-up calls and want this morning's to be the last one. This morning's WILL be the last one. I cannot moderate simply because I have been moderating my whole drinking life and still am not happy with myself.
Whether one is a three bottle of wine a night drinker or a half a bottle of wine a night drinker, it's all about how it affects one emotionally that determines one's need and urgency to quit.
I feel that life is passing me by and I am not going to let alcohol rob any more of my life force and vitality.
That's it.
Hubby had me convinced that sharing a bottle of red wine most evenings was a well deserved, relaxing way to end the work day. Of course, I was open to the suggestion. Last night I suggested we open the second bottle and we did. We only had one glass each of the second bottle but it was enough to cause the 3:00 a.m. wakefulness and for this I am thankful.
We had sex which was quite good although I don't recall the details but remember commenting on how wonderful it was afterwards so it must have been. How sad. It takes very little alcohol for me to black out details.
Re-read the last few chapters of Jason Vale's book this morning. I have had two A/F periods in the past year both lasting a few weeks. The only thing that got me back to my half bottle a night habit (more on weekends) is a momentary "what the hell" moment. Those are so unpredictable and usually preceeded by stressful situations.
So, once again, I hope to stop living in the shadow of all I can be. I pray that I stay wise to the fact that all it takes is one drink to slowly begin the slide to the 3:00 a.m. internal discussions.
I am not a huge drinker. It doesn't matter. I cannot cope with drinking emotionally. I don't want to waste another precious moment thinking about drinking unless it's part of my journey of weaning myself off these thoughts.
So, I thank the universe for those 3:00 a.m. wake-up calls and want this morning's to be the last one. This morning's WILL be the last one. I cannot moderate simply because I have been moderating my whole drinking life and still am not happy with myself.
Whether one is a three bottle of wine a night drinker or a half a bottle of wine a night drinker, it's all about how it affects one emotionally that determines one's need and urgency to quit.
I feel that life is passing me by and I am not going to let alcohol rob any more of my life force and vitality.
That's it.
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