Is anyone having luck with moderation?

[Sober Visitor]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

Hi Mommy,

I think we all have that concern in the beginning, but for me, it has turned out to be one of those things that I worried about for nothing. My best advice is to embrace your sobriety and feel proud to be able to say "no thanks, I don't drink." I know a lot of people that don't drink because they don't like the way it makes them feel or they don't like the taste or they'd rather spend their calories on food, or they're very health conscious or for some other very valid reasons. If someone doesn't drink, it doesn't mean it's because they used to be an alcoholic, yet we all tend to be hypersensitive about it in the beginning.

When I drank like a fish, I was in awe of people that didn't drink or only wanted 1 or 2, but it never occurred to me to give them the third degree. If someone orders a steak versus fish, I don't interrogate them, so why would I question someone for ordering a diet coke instead of booze? I can certainly understand why someone wouldn't want to drink alcohol. It's not good for you, it's full of empty calories, it tastes terrible, it interferes with medications, makes you act loopy, and causes all kinds of other problems.

Truthfully, I was actually more worried about what people thought about me when I was drinking. I was always obsessing about how I could order another drink and not be seen doing it. I would ask different people to get drinks for me, so no one would know how much I was consuming and hope that no one caught on. I would be consiously trying to slow myself down. I would obsess over the wine bottle on the table and when to reach for it to pour myself another glass without looking like an alcoholic. At a resturant or bar, I would watch other people's glasses and secretly wish they would hurry it up so we could all get another round, and I'd get really ansy if the waiter was taking too long. I am just so grateful to be done with all that insanity.

Here's a link that may help you out.

How to Turn Down a Drink: Step-by-Step Instructions - wikiHow

Other people drinking was a HUGE trigger for me, so I didn't put myself in those situations for the first 3 months. I needed that time to break free and build my strength and confidence. It doesn't bother me now to be around people who drink because I don't view it as a healthy thing to do, and I remember how destructive it was to me. Alcohol just doesn't interest me anymore. It's the same as poison to me. I don't want to drink that either.

Take your time with this and work on your mindset. You just may find out, like so many of us do, that your decision to quit drinking will be the best thing you ever do.

[shueaddict]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

sober, thank you for that link ... i particularly liked #10

to which I would add my personal favorite for when I am feeling super testy with a rude host asking me "why won't you have a drink, just one??"

"WHY SHOULD I?" Most answers I got were pretty apologetic, but I did get one person angry with me over that ( called me a "stuck up bitch" behind my back.

nevermind, as long as the bitch is sober all is fine.

so .... to get to the point, I am a failed moderator who is now trying to abstain.

I realized my drinking was a bit out of hand for about a year or two. I was mostly worried about calories and the fact that I'd snack more after a few glasses ( mindnight munchies alert). I tried moderation hypnosis CDs .... twice they worked ... the third time was no longer a charm, I just crossed the line and became too hooked to be able to moderate. It went downhill from there.

I speak for myself only ... after 2 glasses of wine I am in a much less favorable position to say stop or make intelligent decisions. more ofetn than not, FOR ME, the 1-2 glasses is just enough to when my appetite and send me screaming for more.

And, NO, I did not get better after 30 or 60 days AF or more. I guess once a pickle, I cannot find my way back to being a cucumber.

but that's just me.

[199days]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

mommyKW;1368333 wrote: How does one deal with social situations where AL is offered and the expectation is that everyone drinks? i.e.: you are a "fish out of water" if you refuse to drink and people look at you funny and ask uncomfortable questions. Especially at parties with friends that know you as someone who drinks and pressure you to have a glass? How do you explain your new behaviour without giving away your dark secret? Some of these are good friends we've known for years and I would not like to keep giving excuses for not attending their parties or not having them over as they would expect AL to be served. I have already excused myself out of a couple of social engagements and I do not want this to be the norm.
Also, my DH has stopped drinking to support me but he mentioned that he wants to have the occasional beer every now and then - this is a definite trigger for me. I do not want him to have to give up AL forever due to my weakness. I thought moderation could be an option, but am not sure.
I'd appreciate any advice or personal experiences. Thanks

Let the masses drink and drug.

Its cool and rebellious to be sober.

[Raven2012]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

Thank you Mario, Wildflowers and everyone who was kind enough to share their personal stories. I don't want any bad things to happen, which is why I'm here. The fear of all those things keeps me from drinking as well as my personal goals of being a good mom to my kids as they are still young and I feel like I need to get to know them better before they grow up. That's why I toy with the idea of "gee, why can't I just go back to the way I used to be?" meaning when I just had a glass or two and forgot about it - and I don't know that I ever can. I went over to the moderation website (not here but another site altogether) and they have just a handful of members so that wasn't terribly encouraging which is why I posed the question. I will check out our moderation board but of course be very carefull. I have a lot to lose, after a few good weeks behind me now I see that. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it.

[FarfallaP]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

Sober Visitor,

I really appreciated the How to Turn Down A Drink link you posted...many good ideas. thanks. FF

[scottish lass]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

I don't actually have much to add that hasn't been said.
Personally, I would give almost anything to be able to moderate - and Lord knows I have tried. To be considered a moderate drinker it is basically one bottle of wine a week. That does not work with me, once I have one glass, the whole bottle goes. I know in my heart that I cannot moderate, but it gives me the willies to say that out loud, so I don't. I do not address my drinking future, I am not to drink today and as it is always today...well, nuff said.
I do believe that I have read hear that Roberta has not been successful moderating and she now abstains.

[Cashregister]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

It depends on who you are and why you are here. I have many other health issues in my life, and sometimes I do the self medicating thing. But I am looking for moderation,not just in alcohol, but in life. I stop drinking for 30 plus days and then I have one or two and I'm fine...and then 3 years later something bursts in my life and I feel like drinking myself stupid... So I come back here and make sure I don't.
Cashy xxx

[lagataloca]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

My plan is to go 5 months AF, and then try moderating, if I SCREW UP on any of the rules I set for myself than its going to be abstinence for the rest of my life. I am designing my rules knowing my weak points, so for example:

1) I cannot buy a bottle for the house for myself.
2) I can only drink when I go out with friends (in which case I have always drank very moderately, 1 to 3 drinks over an entire evening out)
3) If I buy alcohol for a dinner party, I must buy a moderate amount, and then throw out any leftovers before I go to bed.

Just knowing that I have told myself any screw ups means NO MORE ALCOHOL EVER I think is the biggest deterrent for me going off the deep end.

I too, have never lost a job, had a DUI and have had maybe only 2 hangovers each year, but the alcohol is making and keeping me FAT, and the only way I will be able to lose weight and keep it off is to stay away from alcohol on a regular basis.

[Sober Visitor]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

I really like your moderation plan, Lagataloca. It's very clear with intent and actions based on the outcome you want to achieve and what you'll do if you stray. I think regardless of what we all decide is best for ourselves, AF or moderation, we have to do it with clarity and take massive action to make it happen. I read an article this morning about the weaknesses in wishing that made me realize why I had spent so many years stuck in the struggle. What are some of the weaknesses around wishing? Here's an excerpt from the article. I fell into all the traps mentioned before I got sober because I was completely conflicted between wishing I could have my cake and eat it too and waiting for a miracle to happen instead of getting clear about what I wanted and needed to do and making it happen.

1. It hooks you to the future. One of the biggest dangers of wishing is that it ties you to an uncertain future. Wishing takes you out of the present moment and puts you 10 steps ahead of where you should be. Unfortunately the only place you can make changes is in the now. Instead of investing your time and energy wishing about what you want for the future, invest in today by taking action that can create that future.

2. Not intentional. Wishing finds itself in the realm of dreams. Wishes are wispy and aren't grounded on the solid foundation of a vision. An intention on the other hand is a definitive thought or statement that says exactly what you want to accomplish. The energy around wishes tends to be ephemeral, like clouds through which you can pass your hand. Intentions, on the other hand, are focused energy. Think about how you feel when you say you are “wishing” for something. Then, try out the statement “I intend” followed by something you want to accomplish. Notice how you feel about the energy around each of these statements.

3. Not specific. Our thoughts are powerful. What we put our minds on and the thoughts we think play a significant role in what we manifest in our lives. Wishes tend to be dreamy and ill defined. This lack of specificity can lead you to manifesting the same. If you want to custom create your future, your thoughts must be intentional. They must be focused, clearly articulated, and very specific about the outcomes.

4. Waste of time. Wishing for things is really not the best use of your time. Wishes are like playing “what if” games - entertaining, but lacking in value. Wishing for more of something is a waste of your time and energy, but taking action to make things happen is intentional. Stop wishing and start doing.

5. Keeps you in the comfort zone. Because wishes are weak-willed and ill defined and because wishing is associated with dreaming, no action is implied on your part. It's just a time for mental machinations, a time to lay back to wish and wonder. Nothing gets accomplished that way. You don't have to grow or learn new things or step out of your comfort zone. Thinking intentional thoughts about what you want to accomplish requires action. Wishes accomplish nothing; intentions move you forward to accomplish your goals.

6. No momentum. The energy behind wishing is weak at best. While this activity is pleasurable to most people and we all enjoy engaging in it from time to time, wishes are the comfort food of folks who are afraid to step up to play a larger game. Intentions, on the other hand, call you to take action, to step up to being more, which will result in having more. And, when you're in action, it's easier to stay in action.

7. It can be depressing. Because wishing is not rooted in clarity and because it doesn't require any action on your part, it can often lead to feelings of sadness or malaise. There is no movement forward. There is no vision of a different outcome because wishing requires no change from where you currently find yourself. It's like always being on the outside, looking in. It's about hoping and wanting, but not having the energy to open the door to new opportunities.

8. It can lead to negative self-talk. Wishing behavior can also lead to negative self-talk. One is always wanting and hoping for things and situations, but they will forever remain outside of one's grasp because no action will ever be taken. Because wishing is a pure mental process, requiring that nothing be changed, it is an exercise in futility. You will never get what you want. This can actually lead to being caught in a downward spiral of negative thought. One might start feeling they aren't good enough or deserving enough to have something, when the fact is, they could have everything, if only they focused their thoughts and took action.

9. It can keep you stuck. Stuck is the only place you will find yourself if wishing is your modus operandi. Wishing is a mental activity that leads nowhere. Intentional thinking is a mental activity, grounded in focused thoughts, and coupled with action that leads to results. Stuck or unstuck? The choice is yours.

10. It's frustrating. Wishing is extremely frustrating because it won't ever lead to different outcomes. Nothing will ever come of it. Circumstances will never change. Nothing can ever be improved. One could not help but be frustrated when they will never realize what their heart most desires. Change your thoughts. Be more intentional. Take action. This is the quickest route to success and happiness.

[bicyclesurfer]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

I want to apologize to Librarygirl and any of the others who for whatever reason choose to moderate. While I don't know anyone who is succesful at it, It is not my place to say that nobody should drink. Everyone has a God given right to drink, but not get drunk.
It is just that who seeks out sights like MWO who doesn't feel that "maybe this is becoming a problem?"
Those who are truly moderate, don't see a problem. Denial is huge and scary.
Anyone is free to try and moderate. Maybe such ones just need more time to see what it will eventually do to them, hope not.

But I wanted to get this off my chest.

Bike Surfer

[LibraryGirl]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

bicyclesurfer;1368715 wrote: I want to apologize to Librarygirl and any of the others who for whatever reason choose to moderate. While I don't know anyone who is succesful at it, It is not my place to say that nobody should drink. Everyone has a God given right to drink, but not get drunk.
It is just that who seeks out sights like MWO who doesn't feel that "maybe this is becoming a problem?"
Those who are truly moderate, don't see a problem. Denial is huge and scary.
Anyone is free to try and moderate. Maybe such ones just need more time to see what it will eventually do to them, hope not.

But I wanted to get this off my chest.

Bike Surfer

Thanks Bike Surfer. What I feel that most people on this site think about modders (on this site) is that they are delusional and why come here in the first place if you can mod. What no one of us Modders is ALSO not denying is that we were problem drinkers. Therefore, it is not something that we could do on our own, just like you couldn't just decide to up and quit AL on your own. We are not coming here to say, hey look I can moderate, I'm normal. No, we came here for guidance and accountability, much the same as AF'ers.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say.

[Wildflowers]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

Sober Visitor;1368668 wrote: I really like your moderation plan, Lagataloca. It's very clear with intent and actions based on the outcome you want to achieve and what you'll do if you stray. I think regardless of what we all decide is best for ourselves, AF or moderation, we have to do it with clarity and take massive action to make it happen. I read an article this morning about the weaknesses in wishing that made me realize why I had spent so many years stuck in the struggle. What are some of the weaknesses around wishing? Here's an excerpt from the article. I fell into all the traps mentioned before I got sober because I was completely conflicted between wishing I could have my cake and eat it too and waiting for a miracle to happen instead of getting clear about what I wanted and needed to do and making it happen.

1. It hooks you to the future. One of the biggest dangers of wishing is that it ties you to an uncertain future. Wishing takes you out of the present moment and puts you 10 steps ahead of where you should be. Unfortunately the only place you can make changes is in the now. Instead of investing your time and energy wishing about what you want for the future, invest in today by taking action that can create that future.

2. Not intentional. Wishing finds itself in the realm of dreams. Wishes are wispy and aren't grounded on the solid foundation of a vision. An intention on the other hand is a definitive thought or statement that says exactly what you want to accomplish. The energy around wishes tends to be ephemeral, like clouds through which you can pass your hand. Intentions, on the other hand, are focused energy. Think about how you feel when you say you are ?wishing? for something. Then, try out the statement ?I intend? followed by something you want to accomplish. Notice how you feel about the energy around each of these statements.

3. Not specific. Our thoughts are powerful. What we put our minds on and the thoughts we think play a significant role in what we manifest in our lives. Wishes tend to be dreamy and ill defined. This lack of specificity can lead you to manifesting the same. If you want to custom create your future, your thoughts must be intentional. They must be focused, clearly articulated, and very specific about the outcomes.

4. Waste of time. Wishing for things is really not the best use of your time. Wishes are like playing ?what if? games - entertaining, but lacking in value. Wishing for more of something is a waste of your time and energy, but taking action to make things happen is intentional. Stop wishing and start doing.

5. Keeps you in the comfort zone. Because wishes are weak-willed and ill defined and because wishing is associated with dreaming, no action is implied on your part. It's just a time for mental machinations, a time to lay back to wish and wonder. Nothing gets accomplished that way. You don't have to grow or learn new things or step out of your comfort zone. Thinking intentional thoughts about what you want to accomplish requires action. Wishes accomplish nothing; intentions move you forward to accomplish your goals.

6. No momentum. The energy behind wishing is weak at best. While this activity is pleasurable to most people and we all enjoy engaging in it from time to time, wishes are the comfort food of folks who are afraid to step up to play a larger game. Intentions, on the other hand, call you to take action, to step up to being more, which will result in having more. And, when you're in action, it's easier to stay in action.

7. It can be depressing. Because wishing is not rooted in clarity and because it doesn't require any action on your part, it can often lead to feelings of sadness or malaise. There is no movement forward. There is no vision of a different outcome because wishing requires no change from where you currently find yourself. It's like always being on the outside, looking in. It's about hoping and wanting, but not having the energy to open the door to new opportunities.

8. It can lead to negative self-talk. Wishing behavior can also lead to negative self-talk. One is always wanting and hoping for things and situations, but they will forever remain outside of one's grasp because no action will ever be taken. Because wishing is a pure mental process, requiring that nothing be changed, it is an exercise in futility. You will never get what you want. This can actually lead to being caught in a downward spiral of negative thought. One might start feeling they aren't good enough or deserving enough to have something, when the fact is, they could have everything, if only they focused their thoughts and took action.

9. It can keep you stuck. Stuck is the only place you will find yourself if wishing is your modus operandi. Wishing is a mental activity that leads nowhere. Intentional thinking is a mental activity, grounded in focused thoughts, and coupled with action that leads to results. Stuck or unstuck? The choice is yours.

10. It's frustrating. Wishing is extremely frustrating because it won't ever lead to different outcomes. Nothing will ever come of it. Circumstances will never change. Nothing can ever be improved. One could not help but be frustrated when they will never realize what their heart most desires. Change your thoughts. Be more intentional. Take action. This is the quickest route to success and happiness.
This is really good! "God Shot". Printing. It's ebb & flow time friend. As one of my other friends ~ leaders, has reminded me (something that I learned a long time ago & forgot) I need to be selfish in my 1st year of sobriety. "That were the grateful & lucky ones" :l


Raven2012,

Hope you read around the boards & find your way over to the Moderation section, or wherever you feel comfy. They are all nice over on the mods boards, smart & funny to.

Take good care :l

[LibraryGirl]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

It's true, once again, that the "truly" moderate don't see a problem. That's because there isn't one. Those of us who are utilizing this forum for accountability, are not "true" normal modders, just as those who are using this forum for help with abstaining are not "true" natural abstainers.

[LillyE]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

I think you've gotten some great advice here Raven. I was pretty nervous about answering your post initially, as the issue of moderation here is, as you may have gathered, indeed pretty contentious.

To be perfectly honest, I do think that, by definition, the vast majority - if not 100% - of people who find their way here have a serious drinking problem. If you didn't you probably wouldn't seek out a quit drinking forum, right? And because alcoholism is progressive in nature, encouraging an alcoholic to think they can 'moderate' could potentially be EXTREMELY dangerous - deadly in fact. (And it would therefore be downright irresponsible for those who should know better to do so lightly.) As you'll see if you read around here some more, many people here who hoped they could moderate ended up having shocking, horrible, hard-to-recover-from relapses. Ask Supercrew - his ended with a trip to ER. (Read his awesome story in the 'My Story' thread'.) Many alcoholics have died in the name of moderation.

So, who could blame some here for not wanting to encourage anyone else to 'moderate'? Not when it's been a life or death matter for them. At the same time, personally I'd hate to scare anyone off here by telling them they can't as you do have to come to that conclusion for yourself if indeed that is the case for you. I think it is possible for some problem drinkers to go on to moderate long-term and successfully but it's just not terribly common. If you're really physically addicted already - and it sounds like you may be - it's highly unlikely if not downright impossible.

Regardless of your having not lost your job or relationship yet it certainly sounds like you are aware your drinking is already seriously problematic (you say it's a wonder you have those things after all) and you've suffered some major consequences regardless. It also sounds like it is progressing.

I hope you work out which is the best path for you. Don't let the moderation issue scare you off coming here - you're welcome here whatever path you're trying to take. But don't completely close your mind to the idea of abstinence either. You might, as Sober Visitor said, find out it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

[LillyE]

Is anyone having luck with moderation?

mollyka;1368942 wrote: Great post Lilly - you are a hell of a lot better with words than me

Thanks Molly. I've always gotten a lot out of your posts and your story is one that has stayed with me. Happy that it has had a happy ending as you're enjoying an AF life now.