help!

[TheSunFlower]

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[scottish lass]

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Sun, so sorry for what you are going thru - how can I help?

[TheSunFlower]

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Its ok. Its just ugly. We determined that we still love each other. But, I want therapy for the entire family.....not to mention our marriage. He thinks I should just suck it up....and everything will be fixed.

[shueaddict]

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Sunni, I know that you have a lot on your plate. A lot more than anyone would need to face to prove theor strength. Everything happens for a reason.

Look inside you and you will find the strength to cope. Accept humility, admitt your wrongs and try your best to redeem. Your family, your blood will be the for you.

There are loads of wonderful stories here about forgiveness and people re-allowing ex- addicts into their lifes. It takes time and work and patience but it DOES happen. And when it does, the love you will receive will be so much more cherished.

Settle up for a bumpy ride and just get on with it. Keep hope in your heart.

we are all rooting for you here

[coriander]

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hi sunflower....i can i.d what you're going thru. similar occurrences here. i've finally worked out that my husband is toxic for me. i'm going to have to call it quits, but it's damn scary.
much strength to you, :l.

[scottish lass]

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well, you have something to work with - if you still love each other, that is great! Could you start counseling for yoruself and maybe he will join later. The local church here has a marriage 911 course which is advertised for couples or for one person when the other refuses to come - something like that could get you started??
I did not get counselling when our marriage started to fail as he said no way, we are now divorcing, and my kids are suffering - I would say try anything, even if he says no at present

[TheSunFlower]

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He does not see that the suck it up....has never worked.

[coriander]

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TheSunFlower;1368522 wrote: He does not see that the suck it up....has never worked.

mine too!
thoughtless sometimes, the male species.
that's good advice from scottishlass, & shueaddict.
i just wish i had the gift of telepathy so mine could work out/understand/do things right!!!

[TheSunFlower]

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What gets me off the most...is I have so many recovery books...."just read this part". NOOOOO....suck it up. Stop drinking. If I could do that .....it would have been done years ago....you freaking ass! Now, I don't want marriage counseling....just a nice clean divorce.

[coriander]

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TheSunFlower;1368528 wrote: What gets me off the most...is I have so many recovery books...."just read this part". NOOOOO....suck it up. Stop drinking. If I could do that .....it would have been done years ago....you freaking ass! Now, I don't want marriage counseling....just a nice clean divorce.

I am so WITH YOU.

[Wildflowers]

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Hi Sunflower,

Thank you so much for checking back in on your other thread! It looks like things are OK & not OK. I'm sorry your hubs is being a major butthead & I'm choosing nice words. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure. I'm tired, my mom's been thru some rough hospital procedures this wk & I feel out of sorts & tired. Your Butthead ~ oh crap don't get me started here as I do like that Fecker word!.... My hubs. Nevermind!!.... He's a good man!!! It took time & I have many ~ many faults too!!!!......

Sigh.............................................. .................................................. ............................

I wrote a very long post to another member back under this section a month or so back, about all the ups & downs of a long marriage, & raising kids. Didn't even bring in aging parents, sandwich generation, cancers, deaths of parents, friends. Life is hard, but we need to look for beauty everyday, its there hun!!!! Find one small good thing & give thanks. When it gets bad, I try & remember my blessings, not always easy by any stretch of the words!!!!... Write a gratitude list. Try to go help someone else in need. Others taught me a long the way to do this. Pray, trust, faith!........


I just read the AA thread tonight & it was very good!... Serenity prayer, the basics Steps 1-3. Keep lookin up!... You aren't alone!... You will & can get thru this!...Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, you can go alone. In fact I went alone. Years ago the PHD wanted to start out seeing me alone 1st. Then years later I found a woman & worked on me. It sure isn't always easy being human all the time. I'm very grateful for professionals. In fact our oldest is studying to become one. And guess who her biggest inspiration is, me. Sometimes I want to laugh & other times cry. But, she is going to help people one day & that's great!...

Can you get back to your meetings? Try WFS meetings? I here many go to both.

Are you still drinking? I'm not saying you are, but if you are, you know this is going to make every thing much worse!!!..... If you are, the longer you wait, the harder it's likely going to be, to jump back into recovery hun!.... So, if you are please ~ please put that damn beast down!...

I've been married 28 yrs, & there were many times we both wanted a divorce. There are still days I & I'm sure he wonders & wishes. But overall, Now its a good marriage & friendship, it takes a lot of work & commitment. We are still both smart arsess, buttheads, feckers sometimes, just a lot ~ lot less!!!... Were also very good to ea other!!! It's not for everyone that's for sure! He's mainly to blame. He knows it! He knows I won't tolerate his Shite!... But he stills my favorite butthead, I still love him & like him too. Maybe this is the difference. That & too many years, comfy, financials. Acceptance. Mine & his decision has pretty much always been of one of commitment, good & bad. It sure hasn't been easy!!!... He is my biggest trigger, he knows how to push my buttons & I his. Rightfully so, as we know ea other so well!!!... But, were reaping the rewards for seeing it thru the storms!!! This is all easier for myself to see now, that I have a little more sobriety! Alcohol tended to keep me in the negative & stuck in the past too!....

Plus the pros say it's not good to make huge decisions until after a year of sobriety. But, it's all individual decisions. Of course if there are major abuse issues happening that's a completely different story!!!

Be good, kind, loving, gentle to yourself!!!!. You deserve to be healthy & reasonably happy!!!!. You are worth it! :h



Wildflowers :l

[scottish lass]

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Checking in thsi morning - and so many good words. My husband of 18 years and partner of 23 years split up 18 months ago, it was not due to AL, but if I am sure tha drinking did not help anything at all. I am not sure that not drinking would have saved it, but I can only wonder now.
As i navigate the problems of spliting up and the financial aspects - as I have maintained a great job inspite of drinking, I am the bread winner and he has taken me so very close to financial ruin, I do want to encourage you to do what is needed to save your marriage, especially as you say you love each other. There is no such thing as a nice clean divorce - we are trying very hard to do just that, and we are close to it, but nice and clean is not at all easy.
Work at it Sunflower - I am sure it will be worth it if you can..

[TheSunFlower]

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We spoke this morning and have decided that divorce is best. Honestly, it was a huge relief to me.

[scottish lass]

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Sorry Sun - I am here for you, going thru it now. It is really hard, for me it was the right thing, and I did not start MWO until I made that decision - part of my divorce is getting myself completely together - sober, fit, healthy and HAPPY.
Let me know if I can be of any help as you go thru this journey
:l:l:l

[LibraryGirl]

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I'm sorry Sunflower. I went through a divorce two years ago, and simply walked away and never saw each other again as soon as things went wrong. I now regret it terribly. We got that "nice clean divorce" you say that you want. Now I wish we had obstacles that had prevented it, and that we were forced to work things out. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.