Tail Between the Legs Thread

[Mick]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Hi all,
firstly what a safe haven for those of us who have slipped and trying to get back on the road again..Reading through all the posts ..seems to me one of the biggest issues is the shame of saying look I have screwed up.
Dont know whether it would work..but can I suggest that people put on why, or the circumstances how they did mess up...within reason and without being personal.Maybe this would give others an insight on what and how to deal with the scenarios.
Without being too boring, one of the ways I deal with the urge is when I feel like having a drink, think about it, ask yourself why you want it, how will it benefit you, what will happen if I do/dont...in short have a mass of questions to ask yourself at that time..if needs be write it all down ..and take your time..I remember wanting a drink and sitting for an hour and writing it all out...absolute crap really but the point is..by the time I had finished the urge had gone.
Only one more thing...The site is a good idea...but maybe the title isnt...gives the impression of beaten cowering ,scared and lots of negativity..which isnt the case..otherwise we would not be here!!
Go for it..we can all do it :thumbs:
Mick

[IAD]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Alcoholism is a disease .....We fight this like a "War" everyday ! Like a war....we have battles, we win some and we lose some ! The prize is to win the war, in spite of the few battles that were lost. Fight through this disease......and win the war ! Good Luck

[Wildflowers]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

I agree that alcoholism is a disease. One that is reoccurring & progressive. I also believe that not everyone who abuses alcohol is an alcoholic. That it's up to the individual to determine. I also believe that just because you aren't an alcoholic, doesn't mean you can't suffer serious consequences, including death, or cause this to happen to someone else while making bad choices under the influence.

It's your choice to share as much personal info as you want. You may never know who your helping that's reading at home.

I will say it again, this is a great thread!!!...

[RunningCourage]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Wildflowers;1393777 wrote: I agree that alcoholism is a disease. One that is reoccurring & progressive. I also believe that not everyone who abuses alcohol is an alcoholic. That it's up to the individual to determine. I also believe that just because you aren't an alcoholic, doesn't mean you can't suffer serious consequences, including death, or cause this to happen to someone else while making bad choices under the influence.

It's your choice to share as much personal info as you want. You may never know who your helping that's reading at home.

I will say it again, this is a great thread!!!...

:yeahthat: Well said WF.

[windy]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

I have a question here and thought this would be a good place to ask it: Why do we beat our selves up so much when we don't reach our goals regarding alcohol consumption? I think that in itself makes it so much harder to get back on the horse. I don't know...but I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Also, it is true -- our journey are so individual, and I feel that the one-size fits all concept is at work here with that guilt. I am trying really hard to honor the simple fact that I am battling this in the first place.

[scottish lass]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Doing a check in.
I had a few evenings of wine this weekend.
Mick, not totally sure why, have excuses, none of them are great - a week of bad news after bad news, then a weekend away camping - no phone, so no more bad news, beautiful warm fall weather, good campfood, great company, bonfires and camp songs, and wine and I wanted it all - so did it! I thoroughly enjoyed the evenings, drank more than i "should" have, but not too much. I regretted it in the mornings as I did not feel as great as I now know I can in the mornings.
I have been AF again since Monday and love every night and morning, and hate every evening!!!

[Wildflowers]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

I think it can be caused from a variety of factors, that are personal. I can only tell you why I think did, or draw inconclusive thoughts from reading & listening to others. We compare ourselves unfavorably to others. People pleasin, performance based love, egos, natural competitiveness. All out of a social need to be accepted, wanted, loved & liked. I personally have discovered much of this to be co-dependent behavior & unhealthy for myself. I'm still working on this. I'm on the road to recovery!....

I mean it doesn't feel good when your not the prom queen. But, we all have are own gifts & talents. Just because we weren't the first ones to get sobriety, or even keep it doesn't mean we are less than, or are inferior. If you have to get mad sometimes & say f*** what others think about me. It's none of my business. It's my job to like & love me. This isn't a race anyways. It also means, if we don't give up, we might have lasting sobriety. Even if we aren't 100% sober all the time, that's somebody else's idea of sobriety. It doesn't have to be yours. It doesn't have to be perfect! You determine what is healthy, good, positive for you in your life!

If you want to explore Emotional Sobriety, I've found many treasures hiding there. Woman for sobriety on line & they do have F2F meetings, along with many other avenues can help. It's about nurturing yourself, instead of being hard on self. The Language of Letting Go, By Melodie Beattie, has been very helpful for myself. New Beginnings, by Karen Casey.

We really are different. There are far to many physiological, psychological, emotional, financial, environmental factors that play a role in addiction. Many even lack resources & support to gain proper help & treatment. Addiction is a multi ~ faceted problem. Unfortunately, some people are narrow minded. This includes some in the medical field. I personally have run into this. I've had to tackle addiction using a variety of approaches.

In the sports arena there's a term called a persons personal best. This is what I strive for. I know I could fall off the wagon anytime. I'm not free from drinking ever again. What I'm doing is learning to honor myself, love myself for who I am. Not give as much care to what others think about me Windy. Surround myself with others who don't think in these "one size fits all". Forgiving myself for not having to be perfect is a good start to build on. It's society's & my illusion that I never could live up to.

Now I'm not an advocate of relapsing either. But, I've learned many things from my slips & relapses over the years. I'm grateful to be alive. One of the main one is this. A person needs to have a desire to stop drinking more than drinking. Along with being honest with how alcohol is negatively impacting their lives & those they love. There's a wide range here to. Or are they self medicating. What ever the reasons are, it's the persons responsibility to quit spinning in the hamster wheel. All of this can take different amounts of time to figure out. It's individual!!!......

Every time I fell, it did end up making me stronger!... I'd say yes I can & I will!!!... I discarded other peoples perceived perceptions, kept believing in myself! I looked in the mirror this morning & said I'm beautiful, I'm competent, capable, lovable. If I say it enough I will believe it!

Exercise also helps a lot. Even if it's just small steps to begin with.

There's my random thoughts for the day.

Take good care!.... :l

Wildflowers :h

[scottish lass]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Wildflowers;1394447 wrote: I looked in the mirror this morning & said I'm beautiful, I'm competent, capable, lovable. If I say it enough I will believe it!

Beautiful post - I have just been having a conversation about low self esteem and lack of self confidence impacts us, our decsion making and our choices more than I ever realised, and the more I am starting to accept that, the better I am becoming.
As you say, this is more than giving up AL, there is an awful lot behind it all - and I am sure that is true for the majority here....

[LillyE]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Hi all,

I want to encourage everyone here to go read Turnagain's great post on today's AF thread [AF daily: Wed 17th October 2012] as it's some really good food for thought for anyone struggling.

Mick, you make a good point about the title of this thread - with no offense to Tips - that it probably doesn't help any of us to feel TOO ashamed about starting over. I know I do but it'd be so much worse to slink away. So let's instead try and feel proud we keep trying. I have felt so depressed and deflated by my recent relapse but yesterday was 18 months since I had a cigarette. By the time I had that last cigarette I had tried to quit COUNTLESS times over a year or more and I had lost all faith that I could actually ever quit. Yet somehow I did. No magic bullet. I just got sick and tired of the struggle and beating myself up over it. Now I know from personal experience what a bastard quitting smoking can be but I believe quitting alcohol is even harder. For me it's physically easier - thankfully I don't get terrible withdrawal symptoms - but socially and emotionally and mentally it is harder. When you quit smoker even other smokers congratulate you. When you quit drinking the whole world tells you to drink. So, let's be proud of ourselves for attempting something really &^%$# hard but really worthwhile.

As for why I drank again, I am still really trying to unravel that. The best way I can describe it is an 'oh fuck it' moment but of course it's more complicated than that. For at least a couple of weeks beforehand I was posting that I was scared I felt some complacency creeping in. You go awhile not drinking, you feel better, you forget why you're doing this again. (That's how it goes for me personally.) So I guess I need to figure out how to stop that complacency in its tracks before it builds up. Ideas anyone?

Hi Windy! Nice to see you and well done on those six months - they're not for nothing. Use them - and the contrast of going back to drinking - to get your mojo working again. Can you tell us about what was good about those six months and what led you to drink again - and how that feels now? Maybe we can help you unravel what went wrong so you can halt it next time. I totally hear you re the mojo lacking and I need to find mine again too. Let's go on a mojo treasure hunt, hey?

As for your question re why we beat ourselves up so much - I can't really answer that but it's a good point. Shame, guilt and remorse are so intrinsically tied up with drinking. But I too try and remind myself that, while relapsing is far from ideal, this isn't always a linear process. I take heart from reading about now longterm AF people on this site who struggled with relapses before they get there. Not, you understand, to make myself feel that drinking is ok but to help myself believe success is still possible.

Wildflowers, I've just started checking out the Women for Sobriety site too and think there's a lot of great stuff there. I'm hoping they might have meetings in my area as I could use some real life support too. When you say "If you want to explore Emotional Sobriety, I've found many treasures hiding there", are you referring to a particular book or site or just the concept generally? Great post, btw.

Sunbeam, thanks for that tip. That list is really cool. I just printed it out. I really like the idea of editing it to suit your own needs. I'm going to give that a whirl too. Here's the link for anyone else who wants it:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...x-23-27556.htm

I'm a big fan of the Spiritual River site - even though the repetition sometimes annoys me. I actually came here in part to repost a part of today's article from there that spoke to me and I thought might help others who are struggling….

I]>>>If you push yourself to grow and make positive changes in your recovery, then your life will slowly but surely transform into something incredible. You will start to care again. You will care about your life, about the people in it, about those you can potentially help, and so on. You will look forward to each new day. Opportunities will abound. This is exciting!

But of course, it takes some work. It takes effort before your life becomes exciting again in recovery. It does not just happen over night. You cannot just stop drinking or using drugs one day, go to detox, and then wake up the next morning to have this glorious new existence.

No, there is some transition there. There is a growth process that you have to get through first. And as you are making your way through this growth, at some point you will stop and realize that you have come a long way, and that you also have a long way to go, and that the gift of recovery is the process of growth itself. You will suddenly be able to appreciate the process itself, rather than focusing on some destination in the future, something “out there” or “down the road” when you might be happy again some day. Instead, you will realize that you are happy now, and that your happiness is based on this wonderful process of learning and growth that you engage with each day. You will see your struggles in life and you will know that there will always be more challenges and you will accept that and embrace it and even look forward to those challenges. Because it is all worth it in the end and even though it takes guts and energy to take positive action in recovery, it is bringing you some incredible rewards and you realize now that it is so much better than self medicating with drugs or booze every day.>>>[/I]

[Sunbeam]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Lily, I'm glad you also like that recovery list, as I'm calling it. I have not had a drink since the day Mario posted it. Strong urges used to hit me sort of out of the blue. Then I started working on my list when I thought there was the remote chance of an urge. I work on the list by writing in activities I am or might engage in, deleting some because they seem redundant, deleting others because I just don't ever imagine I will do them.

I've been posting here less lately because of all the recent disrespectful infighting. I like Spiritual River and Smart Recovery. They have some good resources and a few different insights. MWO will always be my home, though. People here have helped me more than I can describe.

[LillyE]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Sunbeam;1394565 wrote: I've been posting here less lately because of all the recent disrespectful infighting. I like Spiritual River and Smart Recovery. They have some good resources and a few different insights. MWO will always be my home, though. People here have helped me more than I can describe.

I completely hear you. It's all put me off a little bit too. But it's such a shame as there are some wonderful people here and still a lot of insight to be gained here. I haven't checked out the Smart website - I went to one meeting but it was just a really bad fit for me for reasons to do with the attendees (mostly court ordered) not the program - but I think the program seems like it probably has a lot to offer as an alternative to AA. Will have to have a cruise around their forums then too.

[LillyE]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Sunbeam;1394565 wrote: I've been posting here less lately because of all the recent disrespectful infighting. I like Spiritual River and Smart Recovery. They have some good resources and a few different insights. MWO will always be my home, though. People here have helped me more than I can describe.

I completely hear you. It's all put me off a little bit too. But it's such a shame as there are some wonderful people here and still a lot of insight to be gained here. I haven't checked out the Smart website - I went to one meeting but it was just a really bad fit for me for reasons to do with the attendees (mostly court ordered) not the program - but I think the program seems like it probably has a lot to offer as an alternative to AA. Will have to have a cruise around their forums then too.

[Sunbeam]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Hi again,
You touched on what has at times turned me off to other forums: severity of addiction. I was never a daily drinker, and could drink moderately often but not consistently. I am now done with the struggle. Other forums may place heavy emphasis on the need for entering rehab, or one's obligation to attend meetings. I have no plans or need to do either of those. So like here and everywhere, you pick up what is helpful and leave the rest.

[mama bear]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

I miss you Sun!!!
Hi Lilly!

[windy]

Tail Between the Legs Thread

Hi to anyone still reading this thread and to those who made recent comments.

Wildflowers I felt like you were in my head. You comments were spot on for me. It is time I did this just for me. I get so caught up in what everyone else is doing and want to join in, and that means drinking. It also made me realize that I was not working "my plan", but something I thought I should be doing, not really for myself, but for someone else. Does that make any sense at all???

I want to have fun too and be a part of the crowd! I really want to be liked and just be like everyone else. But the realization for me is that drinking really is not fun, nor is it good for my mind, body or soul, and that is my reality. It is a hard road to loving ones self, but I think it is the key to my personal success. I really pride myself on being independent, so this is a huge eye opener for me. Thanks again for your beautiful post.

Lilly – The reason I had a glass of wine after 6 months, was pretty simple to me now. I wanted to join in and be a part of the fun; do what everyone else seems to be doing. AND I MEAN EVERYONE! That's the way it seems to me anyway. I went on vacation and sat down to dinner at a nice restaurant and just did it. I had been wanting to do it for awhile to be honest and it was getting harder all the time to find that place of gratitude. I am working really hard on feeling like the lucky one who will never experience the effects of alcohol again. Until I have that feeling, I will probably fail. For now…all is good. I will keep working on reinforcing that one simple feeling. Another thing I need to work on is self respect as Wildflowers so elegantly pointed out. I have always felt that if I did not find the REAL reasons I drank, I would continue to do so. Right now I am trying to figure out the reasons why I like the buzz and what I am trying to escape from.

SunBeam – Thanks for the link to the list. I have printed it and it is in my personal journal file and I will be working on it for a very long time. Maintaining sobriety is hard work; it takes a long time and I am willing to keep fighting. It is so helpful to have personal goals and what I call a personal mission statement. Which I am working on too.

Oh...one more thing...I really don't like the name of this thread either and once posted about it, but erased it because I felt it was disrespectful to the Thread Starter. But...I like this thread very much and don't really care what it is called; that is not the main content if you read it throughly. And it has to be said that it is the way some people feel when they come back here and have to admit they drank. We should not be made to feel that way if we are still trying and working on our "personal plans". There should be respect for everyone who is trying to be a better person. That is all we can ask anyone for. Or...have a right to ask for from anybody.

Now I am going to go look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how wonderful I am and what a good job I am doing after I look at Sausage's Thread, which is another good one.

Thanks to all for your responses.