Have worked out why I relapse......

[LillyE]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Sausage, I completely relate to everything you wrote and I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already but I wanted to thank you for sharing this as the responses helped me too. I hope they help you. I REALLY hope you can arrest these thoughts and not relapse. You are inspiring on here and you're doing so well. I'd so hate to see you fall back in the bottle and I think you do know, from your own past experience, that's exactly what would happen.

Byrdie your post especially helped me. I relapsed after 80 days AF and was quickly back to drinking heavily 5 nights out of 7. I'm back here and ready to kick Al's arse now but it's taken me a few weeks to get my head back together. It started off slow, of course, but the slide didn't even take a month to excessive drinking and it's made me miserable. What really resonated with me in your post was the bargaining/depression part. You articulated what I'd been thinking - that that's where I got stuck and came undone and then all it took was one drink set in front of me by mistake and ... well, you know the rest.

I think feeling angry about the whole thing - why CAN'T I be a "normal" drinker, everyone else drinks, wah wah etc - is so very normal. Unfortunately we can't because we're not and that acceptance factor is so key.

:l Sausage

[LillyE]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Sausage, here is a wonderful post the inspiring Turnagain wrote me some time back when I was struggling. I saved it in my inspiration folder and just came upon it. I think it applies to you quiet well now too...


LillyE...You're making some crucial progress even though it is not always easy for you to see. This addiction is tough to break because it directly impacts the area of the brain that controls decision making. This is why it is so critical to seek out and absorb information about drinking AND get support and guidance from others. You are doing that. And you're doing that consistently and diligently. So now, you ask....how to go beyond this?

For me, the life changing moment came when I realized my body just cannot tolerate any amount of alcohol. Not a drop. I don't know if I was born this way or became this way. It doesn't matter because I AM this way now. Initially, I was afraid of acknowledging this and what it would mean. But interestingly enough, once I accepted this....I felt as if I had wings. I love being free. I have my life back again.

Healing takes time. You have started that process. And, as you look around this forum and at other support groups or programs, you'll notice that those who are truly successful and secure in their freedom from addiction are successful because they embrace sobriety. It is not a struggle....it is a joy to be free.

Beyond the high-concept talk...the concrete steps I took to final freedom came down to these basics:

* I acknowledged to myself and then (later) to others that I no longer drink.

* I surround myself with people who reinforce, support, and strengthen AF living.

* I help my body heal more every day. I eat whole, healthy foods. I supplement to help speed the biochemical repair that needs to take place. I exercise to help the brain get the dopamine and serotonin mix back into proper balance. And I retrain my brain by immersing myself in an attitude of gratitude. In those early days, sometimes the only thing I could feel sorta grateful for was that I was still breathing - even though I was so depressed and sometimes thought death would be the best thing for me.

I read something quite wise around here that went something like this:

We don't choose to become addicted to alcohol. But we can choose not to take the first drink.

And for those of us who have faced the hell of addiction, it is the ONLY choice. And a choice that is more than worth it. AF life is limitless.

[LibraryGirl]

Have worked out why I relapse......

I agree with everyone here, Sausage. I won't patronize you with "advice" because you are already a success, but I will say gluten-free eating doesn't have to be deprivation at all. I don't eat wheat, flour, sugar or pasta anymore and I'm eating more luxuriously than ever. You *can* eat ribeyes fried in grass-fed, european butter with fresh green beans drizzled with hollandaize sauce. I also have some great muffin and cheesecake recipes that are completely gluten free. Send me a pm if you're interested.

[Lavande]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Sausage,
Please stop torturing yourself - you have a great quit going!
Try to be happy with yourself & proud of your hard work. Why risk falling back into the grips of AL?
It really is just poison & not something we need to live happy, healthy & productive lives

DG had a great point - start something entirely new
a new hobby or a new course of study perhaps.

Stay the course & work on your gratitude :l

Lav

[BlondeAFAmbition]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Saucy, thank you for reaching out to us. I replied in more depth in the abbers section of week 3 where you posted earlier but I came here to find the thread you mentioned just to offer my moral support with what the others have said. Byrdie, wow, if that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what will. Listen to the senior members Saucy...they know what they are talking about, they have been there. We all have at some degree. I admire and look up to you for your tenure in sobriety and I hope to get there someday too. I hope when I do and if I am feeling doubtful, that you will be right there on this site to offer me a sprig of hope and get me through my darkest hour. Because your darkest hour may turn into another 3 year relapse of a dark AL hell and I just don't want to see you go there, ever. Look up to the light and refuse to look back. It's all positive in the sober direction and all negative in the booze laden one. You know what the right choice is. Stick with it. We know you can.

[Slaythefear]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Doggygirl;1395104 wrote: Sausage, rather than fantasizing / mourning / etc. (entertaining various thought patterns) about AL, could you shift your focus and thoughts to other things? Other goals? Something you've always wanted to learn to do and now is a good time to start?

I keep saying I want to officially learn how to meditate. I finally went and identified a book today that I'm going to get to help me get started.

How 'bout it? What have you been wanting to do? (besides drink, LOL!)

"Enjoy A Drink" is an interesting concept to me. For years and years of problem drinking is was always about "I deserve a drink." " Just one drink" (which was never just one). Etc.

It wasn't that long ago that I finally thought about it, and realized that I have NEVER EVER honestly wanted "A" drink. Ever. In fact, ONE drink is just frustrating to me. I recall being at business lunches where ONE glass of wine was served, and that was it. I would be jonesing so bad to either take a risk and sneak to the bar, or get the hell out of there and get home or to another watering hole to drink more. I've never been happy with ONE - never. Not even when I first started drinking.

So I would encourage really SERIOUSLY thinking about that "Enjoy A Drink like other people" notion. If you are anything like me and never enjoyed "A" drink in the past, why would that change?

DG

Thank you for that post, DG. Although this concept has been posted before, for some reason the way you worded it hit me differently regarding the enjoy 'A' drink. I drink for the buzz or escape, not to ENJOY a drink which means I won't moderate well, and I'll wind up right back into the addiction. Any thoughts of I just want to ENJOY a drink now and then is just a lie. I completely get that now. If I were to enjoy a drink it would be something like a White Russian for taste and I can just as well enjoy a glass of chocolate milk if it is for taste. This thread has been a value to me today when I wasn't even looking for it.

I have, also, been enlightened today from this thread and a few others why the abstainers are so passionate about enforcing abstinence. It's a constant struggle not to fall for this lie our brain tells us. As alcohol abusers when do we ever drink to just enjoy 'A' drink?

I'm having one of those epiphany moments. I thought I already understood this, but no, I hadn't completely absorbed it yet.



This week must be my week for growth. This is the second WOW moment today. I had one in another area of my life as well. It seems often we learn in spurts.

Thanks everyone. Sausage, look how you helped someone else today by being sober and reaching out. Look at your own history. Did it work before or did you wind up right back at the beginning. Darn, our minds are tricky. Back to my RULE YOUR MIND quote.

[LillyE]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Also, I think maybe you should maybe think carrot and stick here. Stick: Revisit all the ways your last relapse made you miserable. Really really visualise it and go back there as in-depth as you can. Carrot: How about some really big cool awesome reward to yourself for a year AF? Yes, I know that in itself is the reward but it might help keep you going having something special to look forward to? Just a thought.

[Slaythefear]

Have worked out why I relapse......

DG quote: "Enjoy A Drink" is an interesting concept to me. For years and years of problem drinking is was always about "I deserve a drink." " Just one drink" (which was never just one). Etc.


Maybe it should read I deserve to get drunk. That would be a more honest statement out of my brain.

The truth shall set you free! I'll add that to my signature as a reminder.

[Slaythefear]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Doggygirl;1395104 wrote: Sausage, rather than fantasizing / mourning / etc. (entertaining various thought patterns) about AL, could you shift your focus and thoughts to other things? Other goals? Something you've always wanted to learn to do and now is a good time to start?

I keep saying I want to officially learn how to meditate. I finally went and identified a book today that I'm going to get to help me get started.

How 'bout it? What have you been wanting to do? (besides drink, LOL!)

"Enjoy A Drink" is an interesting concept to me. For years and years of problem drinking is was always about "I deserve a drink." " Just one drink" (which was never just one). Etc.

It wasn't that long ago that I finally thought about it, and realized that I have NEVER EVER honestly wanted "A" drink. Ever. In fact, ONE drink is just frustrating to me. I recall being at business lunches where ONE glass of wine was served, and that was it. I would be jonesing so bad to either take a risk and sneak to the bar, or get the hell out of there and get home or to another watering hole to drink more. I've never been happy with ONE - never. Not even when I first started drinking.

So I would encourage really SERIOUSLY thinking about that "Enjoy A Drink like other people" notion. If you are anything like me and never enjoyed "A" drink in the past, why would that change?

DG

Thank you for that post, DG. Although this concept has been posted before, for some reason the way you worded it hit me differently regarding the enjoy 'A' drink. I drink for the buzz or escape, not to ENJOY a drink which means I won't moderate well, and I'll wind up right back into the addiction. Any thoughts of I just want to ENJOY a drink now and then is just a lie. I completely get that now. If I were to enjoy a drink it would be something like a White Russian for taste and I can just as well enjoy a glass of chocolate milk if it is for taste. This thread has been a value to me today when I wasn't even looking for it.

I have, also, been enlightened today from this thread and a few others why the abstainers are so passionate about enforcing abstinence. It's a constant struggle not to fall for this lie our brain tells us. As alcohol abusers when do we ever drink to just enjoy 'A' drink?

I'm having one of those epiphany moments. I thought I already understood this, but no, I hadn't completely absorbed it yet.



This week must be my week for growth. This is the second WOW moment today. I had one in another area of my life as well. It seems often we learn in spurts.

Thanks everyone. Sausage, look how you helped someone else today by being sober and reaching out. Look at your own history. Did it work before or did you wind up right back at the beginning. Darn, our minds are tricky. Back to my RULE YOUR MIND quote.

[SKendall]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Sausage, you have received great advice here. As someone suggested we often count our sober days as deprivation and not of gratitude.

I stopped counting a while ago because it reminded me of AA members who would list their length of sobriety and claim if it were not for "this meeting" they could go back to the bottle and die. Sobriety is positive.

I've read a few of your posts Sausage, and you seem to be doing so well, don't let the deprivation thinking pass the gratitude thinking. You will be so glad you did.

I love it when we have people post with long term sobriety, I always learn from them and thank you.

[dixon]

Have worked out why I relapse......

[QUOTE=SAUSAGE;1394978]I'm approaching 8 months AF AGAIN ( did 8.5 months in 2008/09)

This is a summary of my sobriety history to date

Early 2008 - 108 AF days
Sep - Oct 2008 - 56 days
Nov 2008 - July 2009 257 AF days

2012 - over 200 AF days and counting.......


As I approach 250+ days again I'm feeling anxious and afraid of relapse and ive agonised and agonised over why this is and ive come to the following conclusions, there are 2 reasons for this;

(1) - a common one, I believe - I feel that after all this AF time I can moderate.

But probably more importantly ;

(2) - an envy of other people I admire ( both in my every day own life and also famous people) who I know are not tee total and seem to drink responsibly but can still be very successful and whom i look up to for various ( differing ) reasons. So i start to think "I can do that too........why shouldn't I drink, they do and their life is turning out great so there is nothing wrong in drinking, why shouldn't I give my life a little buzz / lift every now and then by the occasional drink"



Does this strike a cord with anyone else?

Also I have to follow a gluten free diet , which can be quite restrictive anyway and so I feel deprived anyway!

How do I overcome this? I found myself last night googling on the Internet "famous teetotallers" to see of there was anyone in that list who I admire and who inspire me.....and there were a few.

But it all boils down to one thing, why can't I be successful and happy and healthy in life but yet still "enjoy" a drink in moderation.

How do I stop these stupid thoughts, please help - anyone, or I will fail again.


Hi Sausage !
You have done great !
My question here is ,do you enjoy your drink in moderation ?.I think this the important point to remember,if you don't enjoy while moderating ,why drink then?.Do you believe that it raises relationship or prestige when you go for couples of black out ??
If no enjoyment in moderation means simply no drink at all..
Dix

[LillyE]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Slaythefear;1395176 wrote: I have, also, been enlightened today from this thread and a few others why the abstainers are so passionate about enforcing abstinence. It's a constant struggle not to fall for this lie our brain tells us. As alcohol abusers when do we ever drink to just enjoy 'A' drink?.

Without wishing to reignite that debate, yes, Slay, I agree, and I think this is where a lot of the tension and misunderstanding re Modding vs Abstinence comes from. There ARE modders here who don't appear to struggle with this to the same degree (that is, they can drink without it necessarily leading them right back to oblivion), but for those of us who do it's such a HUGE problem because our addicted brains so desperately want to believe we can control it but many have painfully learnt it's a myth (for them) so worry about taking even the smallest chance of encouraging anyone for whom that might be the case for to drink - 'cause the stakes can be just too high.

Like, if anyone were to say to Sausage here now, "Yeah, why don't you just give modding a wee go" that would be madness based on her personal past history as reported by her. But the conversation might be quite different if it were someone with a history of successful moderation who had just gone a bit off the rails again. I don't know if I'm making sense now so I'll leave it there.

[Sober Visitor]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Hi Sausage,

A few things jumped out at me when I read your post that I wanted to comment on to see if any resonate with you as well, so please take or leave as you wish.

1. What are your expectations for sobriety and how often do you accentuate the positive and minimize the negative? I think many of us white knuckle our way through the first few months or year waiting for the miracle to happen instead of making the miracle happen for ourselves. What I have learned is that sobriety can be anything I want it to be. If I focus on what I can't have and keep questioning why everyone else can and seeing the grass as always greener somewhere else, well, chances are I'm not going to be very happy. On the other hand, if I focus on all the positives and how grateful I am to have finally broken free and how wonderful it is to wake up and go to bed with a clear head, chances are that I'm going to be much happier, right? It's much easier said than done for sure, because it takes work in the beginning and a lot of practice at "acting as if," but if you tell yourself "I love sobriety" enough on a daily basis, I think you'll come to find that you no longer have to work at loving sobriety, you just do. But, it has to be cultivated, just like anything else you love. If you think about it, and you're like me you probably spent years cultivating your drinking. We have to do that with our sobriety too. See it as the gift it is. Embrace it, and be proud that you don't drink. Trust me, there are so many people that admire you much more for not drinking and how far you've come.

2. I think one of the worst things we can do is to compare ourselves to others and make assumptions that they have "IT" better than we do, whatever "IT" may be. I had to really challenge myself during the first year of my sobriety to stop looking at people that drink alcohol with envy because no matter how you slice it, alcohol is a toxic drug, and the fact that it's legal or that everyone does it, doesn't make it any less a drug or toxic. It does exactly what it's supposed to do--it intoxicates us when we drink it. Your journey is your journey, not anyone else's, and there's a reason that you chose to stop drinking, not once, but several times. I imagine it's because of what alcohol was doing to you. If you can't drink, and you know you can't drink "responsibly" because of your long history and experience with drinking that confirms it, wouldn't it be best to move on with accepting that as reality so that you can throw all your time and energy into embracing your sobriety and all that you can do now BECAUSE you're not drinking? I honestly think that changing our mindset in that regard is one of the keys to having long term success.

3. Whenever I have the thoughts of "wouldn't it be nice to give myself a little buzz" what I really need is a smack upside my head to stop the junkie thinking. Here's how I would challenge my inner junkie in the scenario you presented which is something we all have to actively do: A.) Drinking responsibly does not equal success and happiness; one can drink responsibly and still not be happy or successful. Just because they "seem" to be on the outside, doesn't mean they are on the inside. B.) He/she may have a very different constitution that allows them to drink responsibly--one that tells them after 1-2 to slow down and stop. It comes easy and natural to them because they've got the auto switch that I don't have. But, regardless of how they "seem" to be drinking responsibly, they are nonetheless still ingesting a toxin that could still be causing them harm on the inside. C.) Perhaps they only "seem" to be drinking responsibly/handling their lives from the outside view, but the inside view would present a very different picture. In fact, I bet many of us here put up a pretty good front under the guise of being high functioning when we were in fact drinking ourselves to death behind the scenes. D.) If I'm feeling that my life needs a little buzz, it's a red flag that what I really need to do is figure out why I'm feeling that way and work on whatever "that" is. Feeling that my life needs a little buzz is never a good thing for me and certainly not something I'd want to cultivate.

Here's a little something from the tool box on cultivation that might help. You may be past some of this stuff already, but may also need to revisit some of it which is normal for the first year or two. Cultivating and embracing our sobriety are absolute musts IMO in order to prevent relpase.

1. Cultivate continued acceptance of the fact that your choice is between unhappy, drunken drinking and doing without just one small drink.

2. Cultivate enthusiastic gratitude that you have had the good fortune of finding out what was wrong with you before it was too late.

3. EXPECT as being natural and inevitable, that for a period of time (and it may be a long one), you will recurringly experience.
(a) The conscious, nagging craving for a drink.
(b) The sudden, all but compelling impulse just to take a drink.
(c) The craving, not for a drinks as such, but for the soothing glow and warmth a drink or two once gave you.

4. Remember that the times you don't want a drink are the times in which to build up the strength not to take one when you do want it.

5. Develop and rehearse a daily plan of thinking and acting by which you will live the day without taking a drink, regardless of what may upset you or how hard the old urge for a drink may hit you.

6. Don't for a split second allow yourself to think: 'Isn't it a pity or a mean injustice that I can't take a drink like so-called normal people'.

7. Don't allow yourself to either think about or talk about any real or imagined pleasure you once did get from drinking

8. Don't permit yourself to think a drink or two would make some bad situation better, or at least easier to live with. Substitute the thought: 'One drink will make it worse - One drink will mean a drunk.'

9. Minimize your situation. Others have greater problems, how joyful such people would be if their problem could be solved by just not taking one little drink today. Think gratefully how lucky you are to have so simple and small a problem.

10. Cultivate and woo enjoyment of sobriety.
a) how good it is to be free of shame and guilt
b) how good it is to be free of the consequences of a drunk just ended or of a coming drunk you've been never able to prevent before.
c) how good it is to be free of what people have been thinking and whispering about you, and of their mingled pity and contempt
d) How good it is to be free of fear.

11. Catalogue and RE-Catalogue the positive enjoyments of sobriety, such as:
a) The simple ability to sleep and eat properly; and wake up glad you're alive; glad you were sober yesterday; and glad you have the privilege of staying sober today
b) the ability to face whatever life may dish out, with peace of mind, self-respect, and full possession of all your faculties.

12. Cultivate a helpful association of ideas:
a) Associate a drink as being the single cause of all the misery, shame and fear you have ever known.
b) Associate a drink as being the only thing that can destroy you newfound happiness, and take from you your self-respect and peace of mind.

13. Cultivate Gratitude:
a) Gratitude that so much can be yours for so small a price;
b) Gratitude that you can trade just one drink for all the happiness sobriety gives you.
c) Gratitude that MWO (AA) exists, and you found out about it in time.
d) Gratitude that you are an alcoholic, you are not a bad or wicked person, but you have been in the grip of a compulsion.
e) Gratitude that since others have done it, you can in time bring it to pass that you will not want or miss the drink that you're doing without.

14. Seek out ways to help other alcoholics - and remember the first way to help others is to stay sober yourself.

15. And don't forget, when the heart is heavy and resistance is low, and the mind is troubled and confused, there is much comfort in a true and understanding friend standing by.

I also have gluten and thyroid issues and have been living gluten-free for well over a year now and feeling so much better. It's funny to me that some of my friends feel sorry for me because I can't eat this or that thing, but what they don't understand is that "this or that thing" made me very, very sick (just like AL) so I really don't miss it all. I have cultivated the gluten and AL free lifestyle because I don't want to be sick anymore. I just keep reminding myself that there are much worse things in the world than not being able to eat gluten or drink alcohol, so all in all, I consider myself to be pretty darn lucky and am very grateful. Now if I were still drinking like I was 4 years ago and eating gluten, I can say with 100% certainty that I would not be a very happy person. I'd be a very sick person wishing I was where I am today.

[windy]

Have worked out why I relapse......

Sausage, Great post and Great Thread. It's a good thing you came here first looking for support and reaching out. I can't say anything anyone else hasn't already said. One thing I am learning the hard way is just how hard it is to stay AF. For now, I don't think it is wise to let your guard down (if ever). To become a happy and content person takes a lot of work and soul searching. Keep up the good work. I am just grateful you started this thread.

Sober Visitor - I am going to re-read what you posted. It is so good.

[lolab]

Have worked out why I relapse......

wow...sober visitor. There is so much good in that post - It helps me to realize that I am on the right track...and what things I have to keep in mind. Thank you.

Sausage. I hope you're doing ok today. Not being too far off from where you are in this journey - the only thing that I can add to all of this fantastic information is that I've been there a few times over the past year. In that slump - feeling down and feeling that it was inevitable that I would drink again. I am so thankful that I rode out the wave - just "felt" like that for awhile rather than acting on it - because each and every time - with thought like those that are posted on this thread - and consciously trying to shift my thinking - I came out of it.

You said "I'm feeling anxious and afraid of relapse and ive agonised and agonised over why this is "

now I'm all for self reflection and looking within to figure things out, but I do think that there comes a time when you have to just "shift" that thinking - and instead of agonizing over why you feel that way - just accept that you do, and that you are going to from time to time and remember that it WILL pass. It might take a week or even two of feeling anxious and afraid of relapse or even more...but just recognize it as an expected phase of this whole journey - and let it pass - while you try to shift your thinking a little bit.

:l -lola