Hi everyone - I'm new here (but have been lurking a while!) - I really want to start getting involved but have this burning question in my head: -
My husband (of 18 months ? but we?ve been together for almost 12 years) have reached crunch point. When we met, we were both married to others and had three young children each, but because of problems in respective marriages, were drawn to each other. At the point of meeting, I wasn?t a big drinker (and he never has been), but after years of ups and downs and him leaving his wife for me and going back to her, and then changing his mind and coming back to me, I gradually enjoyed the nulling effect of a bottle or two of wine in the eve which developed into a worrying habit.
We lived separately until 3 years ago, me with my three kids and he with his eldest son (his two youngest sons lived with his wife and just visited at weekends.) In the early years of our relationship, his kids loved coming to stay with us ? we kitted out the bedrooms with bunk beds to make sure there was room for everyone (even though this compromised my children).
The first major problem came when we decided to get married. I sold my house and I and my three teenagers moved in with him, so we could put his house on the market and buy a home together. His son (who was 22 at the time) went from being fun and friendly (as he was in our house) to completely cold and non-responsive. He refused to speak to me and my kids; was happy to eat the food I cooked but otherwise acted as if I didn?t exist.
I pointed out to my husband that there was a problem and that I thought his son was being quite rude, but he merely said that it was difficult and blamed me for not being as friendly to him as I could be. I swallowed my tongue.
For years my husband spent two eves a week with his son at martial arts classes together (which I thoroughly encouraged as quality time for them together) and on the weekends when his younger sons came to stay, I tried to make myself busy so that he and his boys could get on and do things together (his children had very different tastes from my children, so whilst we would occasionally do ?big? family outings, it wasn?t always practical.)
Two weeks before our wedding in August 2011, I came home from work and my husband and I had planned that we would walk the dogs along the canal and have summer evening drink together (I worked a long way from home and really looked forward to a nice evening after a 1.5 hour drive). When I got home from work, my husband announced that his son wanted to go for a drink with him ? and I wasn?t welcome to join them. (His son generally never wanted to do anything with him, but his girlfriend had just gone on holiday with friends for two weeks, so he was at a bit of a loose end - and had no other friends to speak of). I was really upset and angry and couldn?t see why we couldn?t all go for a drink together, but they totally refused to let me come along and consequently I spent the evening alone at home and drank too much wine and caused a huge row.
That night, my husband?s son decided to post on Facebook what a complete bitch I am, claiming that I never allowed him to have quality time with his dad. I confronted him to say how inappropriate this was and how completely untrue it was. In return he told me that he hated me and thought his dad could do much better than me ? and that he had told his dad that night to end it and find someone better. Again, I drank far too much ? didn?t really know how else to cope with things and consequently had a huge row with my husband that almost ended my marriage (to be!).
To this day, my husband constantly reminds me that I am lucky to be married to him and that it is my drinking that caused his son?s appalling behaviour and almost ended our marriage. I have been having counselling for my drinking and have been taking Campral, but can?t help feeling that although my husband totally blames me for everything ? and YES ? I do drink too much. If I wasn?t in this situation ? with him ? maybe I wouldn?t have a drink problem in the first place!!
When
I speak to my councellor, she makes me feel that I'm the one who is being wronged - but as soon as I get home, I'm put firmly back in my place as the 'drinker' who's causing all the problems - very confused!!
My husband (of 18 months ? but we?ve been together for almost 12 years) have reached crunch point. When we met, we were both married to others and had three young children each, but because of problems in respective marriages, were drawn to each other. At the point of meeting, I wasn?t a big drinker (and he never has been), but after years of ups and downs and him leaving his wife for me and going back to her, and then changing his mind and coming back to me, I gradually enjoyed the nulling effect of a bottle or two of wine in the eve which developed into a worrying habit.
We lived separately until 3 years ago, me with my three kids and he with his eldest son (his two youngest sons lived with his wife and just visited at weekends.) In the early years of our relationship, his kids loved coming to stay with us ? we kitted out the bedrooms with bunk beds to make sure there was room for everyone (even though this compromised my children).
The first major problem came when we decided to get married. I sold my house and I and my three teenagers moved in with him, so we could put his house on the market and buy a home together. His son (who was 22 at the time) went from being fun and friendly (as he was in our house) to completely cold and non-responsive. He refused to speak to me and my kids; was happy to eat the food I cooked but otherwise acted as if I didn?t exist.
I pointed out to my husband that there was a problem and that I thought his son was being quite rude, but he merely said that it was difficult and blamed me for not being as friendly to him as I could be. I swallowed my tongue.
For years my husband spent two eves a week with his son at martial arts classes together (which I thoroughly encouraged as quality time for them together) and on the weekends when his younger sons came to stay, I tried to make myself busy so that he and his boys could get on and do things together (his children had very different tastes from my children, so whilst we would occasionally do ?big? family outings, it wasn?t always practical.)
Two weeks before our wedding in August 2011, I came home from work and my husband and I had planned that we would walk the dogs along the canal and have summer evening drink together (I worked a long way from home and really looked forward to a nice evening after a 1.5 hour drive). When I got home from work, my husband announced that his son wanted to go for a drink with him ? and I wasn?t welcome to join them. (His son generally never wanted to do anything with him, but his girlfriend had just gone on holiday with friends for two weeks, so he was at a bit of a loose end - and had no other friends to speak of). I was really upset and angry and couldn?t see why we couldn?t all go for a drink together, but they totally refused to let me come along and consequently I spent the evening alone at home and drank too much wine and caused a huge row.
That night, my husband?s son decided to post on Facebook what a complete bitch I am, claiming that I never allowed him to have quality time with his dad. I confronted him to say how inappropriate this was and how completely untrue it was. In return he told me that he hated me and thought his dad could do much better than me ? and that he had told his dad that night to end it and find someone better. Again, I drank far too much ? didn?t really know how else to cope with things and consequently had a huge row with my husband that almost ended my marriage (to be!).
To this day, my husband constantly reminds me that I am lucky to be married to him and that it is my drinking that caused his son?s appalling behaviour and almost ended our marriage. I have been having counselling for my drinking and have been taking Campral, but can?t help feeling that although my husband totally blames me for everything ? and YES ? I do drink too much. If I wasn?t in this situation ? with him ? maybe I wouldn?t have a drink problem in the first place!!
When
I speak to my councellor, she makes me feel that I'm the one who is being wronged - but as soon as I get home, I'm put firmly back in my place as the 'drinker' who's causing all the problems - very confused!!
PPQ
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