How do you deal with grief?

[dove]

I had to put my dog to sleep Sunday morning. I just keep crying. He was the first dog of my own. I had him for ten years. I have never had a pet or person or anything so close to me die. Especially never made the decision to end a life. He was one in a million. All the doctors keep telling me the stuff they have been trained to say - 'I'm so sorry.' 'You did everything you could.' 'He was so lucky to have you.' All the people who aren't doctors are telling me stuff to try to get me to hide my grief and stop crying - 'Think of all the good times.' 'You need to let him go.' 'You need to let go of your sadness.' 'Keep busy.' I just keep thinking how selfish I was during his life - spending too much time at work, spending too much time drinking etc, etc. I wonder if he could still be here if I would have taken him to the doctor earlier - like years ago when I noticed some small thing but just blew it off. So many guilty scenerios keep running through my head.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. All I can think is that it will just take time.

Thanks for listening.

Dove

[Preciouspinot]

How do you deal with grief?

There are 5 stages to grief
1. Denial
2. Anger / Blame
3. Bargaining ......making a deal with God...sometimes
4. Depression
and 5. Acceptance

everyone goes through these stages...sometimes we fly by one, sometimes we linger at one.. sometimes we go back and forth inbetween two..

sounds like you are at the blame stage and are blaming yourself....

know it is not your fault..it was just time...and he is in a better place and not suffering...

I had to put down my best friend "Slash" a rottweilder so, I know and understand your pain

[lucky 2.0]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove,

I have been there and it is so painful. I promise it does get easier. I am very very very sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
lucky

[happycamper68]

How do you deal with grief?

I am so very sorry. I have lost several pets but when I lost my doggie (whom I had longer and may have been desensitized to losing cats because I lost 3 and it was too painful).

I was devastated and still cry for my Buddy sometimes if he is brought up. He was the best dog ever. It will take time as with any loss but what you are feeling is so normal as he was a huge part of your life and family. Never underestimate the love you can have for your pets ALL... Love, Camper and hang in there it will get better with time...:h

[tawnyfrog]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove,

My heart goes out to you.

I had Buster, a black labrador/german shepherd cross. When he was about 10, I got him a companion puppy, Lucy. Lucy was a great dane and they became best friends. I had to eventually put Buster down at 17. I knew I had to do it. He seemed to tell me the time had come; that it was ok to let him go. That hurt like hell but I figured 17 was a good age for a big dog. I loved him.

To keep Lucy company, I got a Jack Russell puppy from the Animal Shelter. That was Wendy. Wendy and Lucy became best friends. They were great together - the tall elegant fawn dane and the scruffy, small feisty red terrier. I had to eventually put Lucy down at 12. Her entire system started to shut down and the kindest thing I could do was to say goodbye. Great Danes living to 12 is, I believe, fairly rare. I loved Lucy.

So now Wendy was alone. I got her a puppy companion from the shelter. A beautiful, sleek whippet boy I named Finbar. Again, they became inseperable.

One day, Wendy ate a poisoned fox-bait and died. A slow and horrible death. Two weeks later Finbar chased a rabbit and was hit by a car. Long story short - in the space of a year, I lost 3 dogs.

That was over 2 years ago. I have not been able to bring myself to get another dog. Each one of them was so important to me and it hurt so much when they were no longer around. There are still daily reminders. I find an occasional black hair, I know to be Buster's, in a book I haven't read for a while. I find golfballs which Wendy used to chew, buried in the garden. I park my car and still expect to hear the big wooof of welcome with which Lucy used to greet me. I planted a tree for Finbar - the trunk of which reminds me of his smooth skin. Those dogs are around me all the time.

Some people can go out straight away and get a new dog. So far I haven't been able to do that. Call it self-protection. I never want to hurt that much again. After nearly 20 years of living with dogs - I am dog-free. It's a weird, unnatural state.

In my life, people I have been close to, including my father, have died. And it's been very painful but I really can't understand why the loss of a dog is so utterly devastating. Perhaps it's because they love you, unconditionally. They never lie.

Your post came at an eerie time. This morning, before I read your post, I actually loaded the armchair that Lucy used to occupy on the front verandah onto my truck and drove it to the dump. That was hard to do.

It does get easier but, for me, it's taking a very long time to "get over it".



I understand. I wish I could say something comforting. But I don't think the time is right yet. Everything would just sound like a platitude.

Take care, Dove.

[gabby]

How do you deal with grief?

Tawny, I can relate to what you say to losing loved ones in comparison to your pets. I lost my mother to a horrible death of cancer. She suffered so. It was so horrible to watch her die. My golden retriever at the time helped me get through that as weird as that sounds. When he died I grieved so much. Kinda seemed like more in a way then when mom died. I felt guilty. Of course I loved my mother more and longer...but losing my dog hit in such a different way. Hard to explain. So Dove...I also understand your grief. I wish there were words to help ease your sadness - but I know there is not. Tho I dont know you in the physical sense I will be thinking of you in the days to come.

[Accountable for Me]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove, I am sorry for your loss. Losing your 'best friend' is very hard. Don't blame yourself. And it is OK to grieve, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I love animals more than I love most humans. I had a terrible time after losing my cat 'Jewee'. She was my everything, and she was my only friend when I was a die-hard drinker. I would come home after work and she would meet me at the door. I would feed her treats and poor myself a glass of wine. She was the best company ever. I could tell my cat totally appreciated my drunken-ass. She was spoiled rotten and she showed me love and loyalty (my cat hated everyone else). I had her for 8 years and put her down a year ago Feb. I still think about her all of the time. I miss her terribly. Although I don't cry anymore for her, the memories I have are very fond ones.

I am very certain your pup thought the world of you as well. Hang in there. Time will take care of everything.

I can't add any more than what the others have said. Wishing you peace.

[Guest]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove I have 5 dogs the oldest is 11 the 2 youngest 5. I get terribly depressed when faced with this real possibility. I do think grieving in your own way is best. When my Dad died 7 years ago my Dr. gave me Xanax to help me cope. It did entirely numb me. What he didn't tell me highly addictive. 7 years later still have to take, it down to 1mg a night, but can't sleep without it and cold turkey your in the hospital (fuzz on the brain). I know your greif is tremendous. they are you best friends. I just urge you not to take any "pill" to help you. I hope you find the best way for you.
M

[Hawk]

How do you deal with grief?

I too have experienced the loss of several dogs and it was such a different kind of loss to go through. There is a columnist from the Philadelphia Inquirer, John Grogan, who wrote a book about life wth his dog. It is called "Marley & Me." It is a great book. It reminded me so much of my life with my black lab Mitzi and helped me understand the special pull she still has on my heart - even though she's been gone for 20 years.

[Determinator]

How do you deal with grief?

oh accountable I cried so much reading your post. I can realate so extremely bad/well. I'm still not a functional human being but will be one soon. thank you all for the strength and loving power. time for that hot shower and perhaps a slap in the face. i know I need one.

[Lou]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove,

Oh i'm so sorry for your loss....i can relate so much, my mum has a weakness for cats and in my childhood we always has at least 15...i have 2 of my own now and truly see them as my children substitutes ( am almost 30 with no kids) when i was very much younger and still lived at home we rescued 2 strays from a building site, they came around and were lovely kitties. Then one night i went in to the kitchen to make a drink and just automatically shut the washing machine door. nxt morning my mum puts the washing on and when she took the wash out...there was my baby...all destroyed, i couldn't have known but the guilt and trauma will never leave me.

[Saint Jude]

How do you deal with grief?

Dove, I'm so sorry for your loss. I also know how hard it is to loose your best friend. I had my Sidny doggie for 15 years, since she was a tiny puppy. I took her everywhere with me. I even had a basket on the back of my Mt bike for her to ride in, if the ride was too long or we were too close to the highway. She used to kayak with me too. The last 2 years of her life she was blind & diebetic, I gave her 2 insulin shots a day, and she still went kayaking with me, even without sight. You could tell when she heard a bird, her tail would start wagging.
I still cry sometimes when I think of her, and it's been over 3 years. I do have a new kayaking buddy now, Bungee's got a real tuff "act" to follow... But he does wear Sid's old lifejacket when we kayak, and he's stolen my heart too! I got him at the pound,... I purposely picked him because of his size & temperment, so he could fit into Sid's lifejacket. I got lucky, he's quite a character...:h

Be gentle with yourself, it does take time...
:l Judie

[gabby]

How do you deal with grief?

Hawk, thanks for the book tip. (Marley and Me) I ordered it today off amazon. Cant wait to read it. It will be a nice switch from my usual self help crap. lol Thought I would take a a break from helpin myself.

[Hawk]

How do you deal with grief?

Gabby - You'll enjoy it. I really laughed and I I cried. But laughter through tears is a wonderful thing. It really made me miss my Mitzi -- but it made me smile with all the fond memories of her goofiness and bad behaviour. (I think Mitzi and Marley were twins separated at birth.) Please let me know what you think when you finish it - it won't take long!

[Popeye]

How do you deal with grief?

I've had to have two dogs put to sleep.
The first was a German Shepherd called Bruce.
He was 13 and could hardly walk. While I was waiting at the vet's we both went outside for a seat. He sidled up to me and gave me a lick on the hand. That particular lick, means a lot to me. A couple of minutes later, he was dead and I was crying my eyes out.
Then there was Nell. A highly intelligent jack russell/collie cross. When she was 7 she developed a tumour in her throat which they couldn't do anything about. It grew very quickly until it reach the point that she could no longer eat. Apart from that, she still seemed very healthy. The day I had here put to sleep, I took her for her last walk......I'm welling up now......then drove her to the vet's. She was sitting on my lap when she gave me her last lick.
Ijust started bawling in front of everyone. The vet took us right away and the deed was done
These two animals grew up with my children.
It's a different kind of love, but it's still love. I miss them.