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    #1

    The Boss

    Hello to you all,

    I think i might be a little slow. Please read this long(!) post and give me your thoughts. It has just dawned on me in my clear-headed mind that alcohol has been my boss for 23 years. It has dictated every aspect of my life from 15yrs old until now. And it runs deep. I chose friends who drank like me. People who didn't drink to get drunk were boring in my eyes, (how shallow is that!) I chose a boyfriend who was a drunk and a drug user, i thought "that would be fun, Thats what i need" So i stuck with him for a few years. Being wild if you like. Then when i'd had enough of that i decided i needed to clean up my act (well get off drugs anyway) - So i chose a partner who was pretty straight, my husband. I drank secretly but got away with it, and we did 'normal' things like work, go on holiday etc. I thought "hey, i've settled down," I really really hate that word 'settle down' Its like society says, be wild and young, then you must settle down with your pipe and slippers or hair-net and cocoa! Like sheep we humans follow the rules. Well i have settled down but i dont wear the hair-net yet! My big Boss Alcohol has come back with a vengence because i'm bored. I think when you are young there are lots of changes going on in life. Friends and partners come and go -school, college, exams, travelling etc... always changing- Until now. It seems that everything in my life is still. I'm in a nice house, i have a dog, i have a husband and i'm even lucky enough to have a son. I suppose i should be living through him now- watching him go through all lifes experiences (not my experiences i hope!) I feel like i've had my time and i'm only 38 for gods sake. That is why i have been drinking. To eleviate the boredom of lifes routine. I hate routine and i don't think i have ever grown up. I spend my time counting my AF days and waiting for life to knock on my door with an exciting adventure in his hands. While i am typing i am very aware that i sound horribly un- grateful and i am not, i'm lucky. Well no, i'm bitter actually for the shit i've gone through but now i must change and be in control of my life, not A be in control of me. that would really open me up to new things.

    Does anyone else feel like this? Any ideas on how you have made a for-filling life for yourself? I think by not drinking it has left a huge hole and the depressing thought that i have wasted 23 years of my life by being a victim rather than an active member of society.
    thanks for listening. B
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    #2
    The Boss

    Hey B,
    You have stated some big things, you are still letting it all out. Your life has not been a waste, it has been a lesson. You are grateful for the things you have, and the love you have for others and the love they have for you, so don't be so hard on yourself.
    I am sure I am not much help at this time, as I feel like a fish that just needs to be guttered! In your past you were just following the birds that could reach your same wing span ("birds of a feather flock together"), and yes all the others that were unlike you were boring... thats just the way our small brains work. It is hard to answer, it doesn't mean that you are not deep cause you are wanting to walk a good road to freedom and happiness. You talk of hair nets etc (ha, ha)...I actually knit, it is a good stress reliever, then again sometimes I get frustrated with that too....
    YOU ARE NOW THE BOSS OF YOUR boss...WE CAN DO IT!
    Okay, well I hope that helped...
    God is actually the only answer, and I am tired of ignoring that fact myself...
    That is just the devil making us think we are a waste of time...
    WE WILL PREVAIL!
    Mel:upset:

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      #3
      The Boss

      From one wild child to another

      :new: Hi! A lot of what you say resonates for me. At 12 yrs older maybe I stayed wilder for longer but I know exactly what you mean. When you give up something which has been so much a part of your life (even if it was a destructive part) there is bound to be a sense of loss. This is my 2nd attempt at quitting. The 1st time (at xmas and on eve of my 50th birthday - what timing!) I tried AA. I found the rules and rigidity and jargon too much and couldnt help my old rebelious self (they would say alcoholic self) taking over. The other thing is the counting of the days. Personally Im not sure it helps. I ended up thinking longingly about festivals and parties and lots of other 'exciting' aspects of my younger self that were now off limits and there didnt seem to be anything to replace them but now I suspect that was crooked thinking. As we sober up lots of things change, as you say we start to think more clearly for a start. As we progress and grow (and alcohol must surely stunt growth) I honestly believe that new possibilities will present themselves. And if they dont knock on the door, being stronger, we can go in search of them. All the best

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        #4
        The Boss

        Good morning Bella,
        It's nice to be your own Boss isn't it and not let the bottle rule you. I'm close to you in age and know the bored with life feeling so that's when I start looking for things to do and go on vacation. That's always eventful. Maybe's there a new hobby you can take on in the place of drinking.
        Best of luck to you and glad you are here.
        "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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          #5
          The Boss

          thankyou mel and iola. What you have both said helps in different ways. Melanie we are the bosses now and we can do it can't we! And iola, i liked what you said about if oppotunities do not come to the door, we might be stronger now to go out and create them for ourselves. Very good and i think you might be right there. Thankyou. B

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            #6
            The Boss

            I will think on that one Beaches thankyou B

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              #7
              The Boss

              Bella...

              I can relate...and it keeps coming back to what is life? What is it for Why is each one of us here...

              Read some of the "Why we believe threads" I have much more I could share but will save it for another time if you are interested..

              Wishing you the very best...
              Control the Mind

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                #8
                The Boss

                Hi Bella,
                Good, thoughtful post.
                there was another thread about boredom at the weekend. That made me think. I spoke about it with my wife who got entirely the wrong end of the stick - that my life with her was boring. It's not. I'm in love with her, still, after nearly 25 years. However, I still feel, inside myself, that there has to be something more. Perhaps this is selfish but I really don't think so. I am exploring a lot of avenues just now. I'm 45, my family has grown up and is more or less independant. I have a job which allows me a little spare money and time. I have tried to be content with my lot, and I usually am, but still...........

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