Reaching out for help?
I am not a new comber to these boards. Been on and off for about 5 years?3 different screen names. Changed the first time because I honestly couldn?t remember what my name was before. The second change was because I was too embarrassed to come back here as my ?former? self. I was at an even lower place than I am now. I started a thread that suddenly had stars next to it and NO responses (actually some in beginning, then stars with no responses). I didn?t understand. Interpreted it as, ?Wow! We thought we were fucked up! Look at this chick!?. And, that was enough for me to go slinking off.
I really appreciate the person who started the thread on hypersensitivity. I am definitely OVER sensitive. I can walk down the street and feel random people?s sadness; as well as joy without them having to say a word. And that thread really hit home with me and gave me a lot to think about. One of the joys in getting older,is knowing yourself better. And, I truly wish I had a better coat of amour.
I recently responded to a post from someone saying they sometimes felt ignored here. And,I still feel that way sometimes, too. However, in taking a step back?I realize I know you all much more than you know me because I spend several hours here everyday, yet don?t post very often. And, in jumping all over the boards, I don?t follow up. I just read and very infrequently respond and forget which threads I left a comment on.
And, why do I feel that my comments need to be acknowledged in the first place? Unless what I?m doing right now, which is asking for help for myself, why should I be offended that no one has acknowledged my comments? I believe that people should give when they want to give and expect nothing in return. Yet, here I was hoping to give support?.yet, expecting something in return; ie to be acknowledged for my comment? Crazy, I tell ya!
But, back on point. I need to get AL out of my life. I know so many people here have gotten support and have said they would not be where they are without MWO. I am in my mid-40?s and have been drinking since I was 17. I have more AF days this year than the last 100 combined. I did go a month this spring w/o drinking, but smoked pot everyday. Quickly (and this is one of the reasons I love this board; b/c I feel so not alone in this escalation after, what for me, is a significant AF time) went back to my daily 2 bottles of wine drinking.. Only, I added the pot.
Good news is that, pot is not my drug of choice. It?s gone. But, maybe because alcohol came back.
OMG?looks like the start of a novel?.if anyone is still reading?here?s the point?
And, I don?t even know what that point is. ..LOL.. I?ve read through the toolbox. Read daily here. Yet?
Had November 1, 2012 as my Day 1 Yesterday thought for the FIRST time; if someone offered me a drink right now?I would say, ?no?. Don?t recall ANYTIME I?ve refused the offer of a drink. But, in that moment?really didn?t want one. Yet, a couple of hours later found myself pouring a drink waiting for my BF to come home. And, not really REALLY wanting it. Just the last day.
Only had the one and didn?t want another until 1am and huge anxiety and insomnia got me out of bed to pour one more. Thinking, ?Hey, Nov 1st can start when I wake up?.
Which ended up not happening?..I have once again poured a drink this morning and began dreaming about ?tomorrow?.
I just need someone to hold my hand and help me through this... I really want to, need to, do this. I don?t feel like a lost cause, as I am making baby steps. I DO, really DO feel a shift in my thinking.
Just feel alone. And for many reasons, can?t reach out to family, AA, friends?so instead of wanting people here to read my mind?I?m putting it out there?
1. I?d appreciate any encouraging thoughts.
2. I am open to giving my phone number to anyone in a PM.
Thank you to everyone in the MWO community. Peace, happiness and soberness to all!
I am not a new comber to these boards. Been on and off for about 5 years?3 different screen names. Changed the first time because I honestly couldn?t remember what my name was before. The second change was because I was too embarrassed to come back here as my ?former? self. I was at an even lower place than I am now. I started a thread that suddenly had stars next to it and NO responses (actually some in beginning, then stars with no responses). I didn?t understand. Interpreted it as, ?Wow! We thought we were fucked up! Look at this chick!?. And, that was enough for me to go slinking off.
I really appreciate the person who started the thread on hypersensitivity. I am definitely OVER sensitive. I can walk down the street and feel random people?s sadness; as well as joy without them having to say a word. And that thread really hit home with me and gave me a lot to think about. One of the joys in getting older,is knowing yourself better. And, I truly wish I had a better coat of amour.
I recently responded to a post from someone saying they sometimes felt ignored here. And,I still feel that way sometimes, too. However, in taking a step back?I realize I know you all much more than you know me because I spend several hours here everyday, yet don?t post very often. And, in jumping all over the boards, I don?t follow up. I just read and very infrequently respond and forget which threads I left a comment on.
And, why do I feel that my comments need to be acknowledged in the first place? Unless what I?m doing right now, which is asking for help for myself, why should I be offended that no one has acknowledged my comments? I believe that people should give when they want to give and expect nothing in return. Yet, here I was hoping to give support?.yet, expecting something in return; ie to be acknowledged for my comment? Crazy, I tell ya!
But, back on point. I need to get AL out of my life. I know so many people here have gotten support and have said they would not be where they are without MWO. I am in my mid-40?s and have been drinking since I was 17. I have more AF days this year than the last 100 combined. I did go a month this spring w/o drinking, but smoked pot everyday. Quickly (and this is one of the reasons I love this board; b/c I feel so not alone in this escalation after, what for me, is a significant AF time) went back to my daily 2 bottles of wine drinking.. Only, I added the pot.
Good news is that, pot is not my drug of choice. It?s gone. But, maybe because alcohol came back.
OMG?looks like the start of a novel?.if anyone is still reading?here?s the point?
And, I don?t even know what that point is. ..LOL.. I?ve read through the toolbox. Read daily here. Yet?
Had November 1, 2012 as my Day 1 Yesterday thought for the FIRST time; if someone offered me a drink right now?I would say, ?no?. Don?t recall ANYTIME I?ve refused the offer of a drink. But, in that moment?really didn?t want one. Yet, a couple of hours later found myself pouring a drink waiting for my BF to come home. And, not really REALLY wanting it. Just the last day.
Only had the one and didn?t want another until 1am and huge anxiety and insomnia got me out of bed to pour one more. Thinking, ?Hey, Nov 1st can start when I wake up?.
Which ended up not happening?..I have once again poured a drink this morning and began dreaming about ?tomorrow?.
I just need someone to hold my hand and help me through this... I really want to, need to, do this. I don?t feel like a lost cause, as I am making baby steps. I DO, really DO feel a shift in my thinking.
Just feel alone. And for many reasons, can?t reach out to family, AA, friends?so instead of wanting people here to read my mind?I?m putting it out there?
1. I?d appreciate any encouraging thoughts.
2. I am open to giving my phone number to anyone in a PM.
Thank you to everyone in the MWO community. Peace, happiness and soberness to all!
)
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