Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

[ScoobyDoo]

Wow, my post count is really building up! :H

I just read something Paddy touched on in another thread relating to your social friends/mates who might consciously or unconsciously try and lure you back to drinking.

I'm trying to decide how to tackle the social scenes. We are pretty social and most (actually, nearly all) of our friends drink alcohol. None of them *seem* to have the same craving for more, after that second drink, like what I do, although a couple of my friends do, and I suspect that they are problem drinkers and subconsciously realise this.

I have a bit of a theory going with the sub-conscious problem drinkers and here's an example. My best friend is one of the (subconscious) problem drinker categories and over the years, whenever I have had a heart to heart with her about my worry with alcohol, she always dismisses it and assures me that I don't have a problem and to not worry about it. I feel that I do have a problem with it, and it's been affecting my parenting, so it's therefore a problem for me.

A few days ago, my friend and I were emailing back and forwards all day during our working hours, but as soon as I mentioned finding MWO and my plan of attacking my drinking problem, the emails abruptly stopped. No reply. She is a good friend in countless ways but is also the type who will try and lead me astray, and not encourage my plans (which is not such a great trait in a friend but hey, nobody is perfect) when we get together.

The majority of my friends (including my fiance) will support my new lifestyle regardless of whether they think/see alcohol as being an issue for me, so this is a good thing.

Our neighbor comes over about once a week and it is a regular occurance that he and I will just keep on drinking (this is when I'd have about 2 bottles of wine in the night), and he's a true friend, so I've got to work out a way of handling that situation for the future.

I think I'll go ahead and order the Social CD and give that a go, once I'm under way and in the routine of the basic CD set.

So I just thought I'd raise the topic and see what others think and how they've tackled this class of friend who will make it that bit harder to moderate successfully. Maybe I should just meet her during the day for coffee (she doesn't drink during the day) or allowing a wide berth might be in order until I'm on top of it and have had the 30 days AF.

Obviously it is totally up to me, but I think most of you here will be able to relate to this type of situation/type of friend who will want you to stay the way you were, so that it makes them feel better (or whatever) and so they having a drinking mate.

Hmmm...

Doo

[lushy]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Doo, yes I have a friend exactly like yours. Sloppy, blacking out, not fun to be around drunk. I once tried to approach her about it, using me as the catalyst and how I have issues with drinking. She tried to tell me that I did not have a problem (I am a very controlled drinker and it is hard for people to tell when I have had any) and I said I drank more than was healthy. Anyhow, I "sort of" told her about this site (part of me does not want my friends coming here because I tell more personal things here than I do my real life) and she completely balked at it saying that sounded silly to be chatting with people on the internet about drinking too much. I did not say another word about it. She knows she has a problem and in fact called me last week with a really bad hangover nearly in tears. I told her that if she wanted help I had some supplements she could take that would perhaps help with not drinking as much. The only thing I could "sell" her on was the All-One. The next day hangover was gone and she felt fine and so the cycle will continue. I also find when I bring water to our get-togethers and only have 2-3 glasses of wine and then switch to water she is almost desperate to get me to drink more. I know that feeling because I have been there; I wanted everyone to feel as crappy as I would the next morning. Some friend, huh?

[Popeye]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Hello DooDoo and Lush,

I know a few subconscious problem drinkers too.

The only thing that works for me is polite and consistant refusal to drink. A couple of my friends have taken this as a slight, but to be honest, I don't care.

[Nicole2003]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Yes it's a tough one. By getting you to continue drinking, it enables your friend to feel 'normal' and continue her drinking without facing up to the fact she may have a problem.

I know from my mid teens to my mid twenties I did some pretty major binge drinking. I surrounded myself with friends who did the same which made the whole thing seem pretty normal. It was as though we sought each other out, we recognised each other as drinkers and stuck together - just as you say you can recognise it in some of your friends.

From my late twenties onwards I've gradually put a lot of distance between myself and my binge drinking friends. I'm in contact with them from time to time. But to be truthful they aren't that interested in meeting up for lunch and coffee. If it doesn't involve a bar, forget it! Maybe it sounds ruthless and that I've ditched them, but I'm 32 now and the idea of staggering round bars and clubs bores the hell out of me.

Perhaps you do need to give some careful considerations to where some of your friendships are going. Your ideas of meeting up during the day etc sound like a good way to test things out. This whole thing is hard enough without being around people who are trying to undermine all your effort!

Good luck

Nicole x

[Ripley]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Hi

I have one close girlfriend who drinks the same amount as I did before coming here - bottle of wine a night plus spirit chasers. frequent memory loss. more at weekends. denies it is a problem. when I told her I thought I had a problem and that I was doing something about it (I didn't talk about this site, agree with Lush, this is really too personal to share with friends) she immediately felt judged and was on the defensive. Can't say I blame her. If I decide to abstain long term I think it will be hard for her.

Likewise my husband. He has a drink problem too. Not an alcoholic, but clearly alcohol dependent. He has no recollection our evenings out on the last 3 occasions, and drinks 1-2 botles of wine a night. I can not share this site with him - it is my refuge - but I have given him a bottle of MWO kudzu, told him where all my supps are and how many to take, and told him about the hypno tapes. He has listened once, won't take the supps and I'm not sure if he's taking the kudzu. Basically he's not committed to stopping, and I can;t make him, but he has a big problem with the fact that I have stopped.

Anyone else have this with their partner? How do you deal with it?

K

[rivergirl]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Amazing my partner quit drinking - He is having a tough time - He went tot he site once and I have lent him the Cds and even told him about posting. He went to his Doc and got the Topa but won't listen to the CDs or do the supps or post. I told him how much the Cds helped me after I really started to used them but - He is not interested. At least he quit drinking.

Good luck,
Riv

[Guest]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

I know it is hard to let go of a "good" friend, but how "good" is the friend if you can't do something to better yourself and they aren't happy for you. I have chosen to share this site with a select few. I agree...this is MY space, the one place I am completely open and honest. However, the few people I have shared it with support my decision...one drinks heavily and one does not. I did this for me. I am working at changing myself and don't even want to try and worry with trying to get someone else to change even if I feel it is best for them. We all know...it isn't going to happen unless they want to change. I feel if they want help, they will look just like I did, until then, I will work on me and they can either love it or leave it.

[on-the-up]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

friends..

Although I'm new, from what I know most of us drinkers have addictive personalities which attracts us to the same type of people.. trouble when you get sober or begin to alter your lifestyle is those people are hard to be around because they want to continue their ways and encourage you to do the same.. A good example of this was when I went out with a 'friend' who knew I was having probs with my other half and my drinking and 'promised' that we would only have a few drinks and be home not too late... It was me that ended up getting us home as she was obliterated (lost door key etc) I had to practically carry her up to bed when i finally figured a way to break into her house for her... This friend invited me on a 3 day pis" up and then lectured me on my drinking when i got a hangover! Whilst I could drink like a fish, I never lost control of my faculties when drunk and yet she can sink four glasses of bubbly on an empty stomach and end up puking or banging her head or worse.. She's 38 years old and just joined the police... I left the police force 3 years ago and knowing what I know I can see her drinking getting worse and worse... (she's started drinking the' bottle of wine on your own after a hard day' thing now)
Maybe one day she will realise that once you are 'in it' you need the support of your friends not six pints of lager... I'm sad to say our friendship of 11 years is over.. she hasn't contacted me in two months and I am feeling rather resentful about that right now... But those days are over for me and I feel fantastic for it!

[sammys]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

I have gotten rid of someone in my life who was I thought at the time my best buddy. She has physical problems and lots I mean lots of issues. She is really a cronic complainer and I was always there for here. I thought that is what I should do and we did have fun together drinking. But I realised she was causing so much stress for me just listening to her everyday was wearing me out and I would turn to beer. I do not miss it one bit and I drink way less and I is her loss that she could not give me to space I needed away from her problems to get a grip on my own.

There I feel better, not much help for you but I felt it kind of related to what you are dealing with.

Take care,
Sammys

[lushy]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Sammy, I can so relate. I just had a "break-up" with a friend of mine who I did not realize to what extent she was draining the life out of me. EVERYTHING was a drama with her, although she was married to a rich guy, did not work or have kids and could do whatever she wanted all day long. It got to the point where I felt I had to find every negative thing in my life to make her feel like she was not alone in her misery. We ended out friendship about 5 months ago and the change in my attitude has been amazing. I did not realize how much she was dragging me down, and that I was letting her. Totally exhausting.

[Bella]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Hello DooDoo. I am REALLY relating to what you have said. My best friend and I have always been big drinkers. She now lives 160 miles away but we spk v reguarly and some of our conversation will go like this:
"Are you drinking tonight?"
"Of course, and you?"
"Of course!"
"How many bottles you got?"
"Well I got 3 for a tener but I won't drink all of them"
"God no, I've only got 2 but I've had such a s*** day and want to get pissed"
"Go for it mate, you only live once!"
"Yeah, we're here for a good time, not a long time!"
Absolutely!"

Now......I have been off the booze for 24 days. She has not.

The conversation now goes something like this:

"Are you still not drinking?"
"No, It's been over 3weeks now"
"God, aren't you being good. Well I've got (friend) over tonight so we have had a few. (Laughter heard in the background). Anyway, I better go. I hope you're going to drink when I'm next down with you!"
"Of course," I say!

I think she maybe a sub-conscious problem drinker. Next time she comes down to stay with me, I think i will try to drink moderately as there is no way I can sit there on tonics while she is downing the wine! I know that is not the way forward but........

i should get my MWO book soon, maybe that will give me a plan?

So dear DooDoo, I am afraid I have probably not been much help to you on that one but I had to let you know how I am also thinking like you.

Bella.xx




"

[Determinator]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

This is Determinator's wife - Determinatrix.

We have a motto in our home:
Those who matter, don't mind. Those who mind, don't matter.

(Don't mean to overstep bounds here.)

[Popeye]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Nice motto.
You're in step with me.

[snadybeach]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

what is the difference between alcoholic and alohol dependent? arent they kind of the same thing?

[tea]

Friends attitudes to your mod/ab drinking

Yes determini... great motto but sooo hard to just DO IT. I totally relate to all that has been said, I just don't want certain people to know how much drinking is affecting my life and how out of control I really am. I know that these people should not matter and the supportive people should matter most but I find this really difficult to actually put into practice. I have (sadly) pretended to certain people that i had had a skinful the night before when actually I was (proudly) AF! does anyone else do this ? Is it just to 'fit in'? Also have pretended to be AF when in fact I was drunk the night/weekend before... DUH!!!