First of all thank you for your care of my lovely wife, that just means the world to me. she printed all your wonderful posts and brought them to me at visiting hours which was a huge comfort.
Secondly I want to say that without this great MWO community, I probably would not have reached out for help and would have spiraled down into my hole, and by thursday I would probably have been dead or in a coma.
So: my attempts to "drink myself down" kept backfiring and I got worse and worse to the point I was hallucinating and fighting imaginary demons and manifestations in my head, my wife was freeking out and then during some moments of semi-clarity she asked if she could take me in and I finally (thick-headed man I am) said ok. I was scared to death. We came to the clinic in the morning and even though I didn't have a drink for the last 9 hours or so I still blew an .30 on the breathalizer. They took me through to the adult intensive intake unit and took my vitals. My blood pressure was so off the charts I was in risk of cardiac arrest so they took appropriate medical measure to save my life. while I was sitting (weaving) in the chair I saw people staggering by me vomiting and screaming, one guy had to go out on a gourney after loosing consciosness. Needless to say my tortured brain was racing and I just tryed so hard to be a good patient, which I'm happy to say I was. Then they put me on tons of valium and a few other things I couldn't remember or pronounce anyway. The very first night there (in the middle of full withdrawals) I attened my first AA meeting that they hold in the facility. you wanna talk about a nervous, shakey crying peice of dirt...that was me. I actually did speak and admit my alcoholism and read one of their papers out loud. it was strangely relieving and although it's too soon for me to say that I'll be a "big" advocate of that program or not I just don't know yet. During the following days I wondered around in a daze and attened several CD (chem dependance) classes, pysch classes and group activities. I was too withdrawn to really interact but appreciated thier communion anyway. There were all kinds of people there: policeman, lady from the local government, just all kinds. Gradually my consciousness became more clear and my shakes reduced to where I could read and write. The food was even a little better than I expected (and you all know what a gourmet snob I am). it was so fortunate for me that they could give me effective sleeping meds...what a relief at least being able to sleep solidly throught this ordeal. I've made arrangements to see a psych counceller and get a regular doctor (which I've neglected to do my entire life). In terms of additional meetings I'll have to simply visit a few and see what makes sense for me. They also diagnosed me as depressed and are giving me Campral (for cravings) and Citalopram for depression. I learned a lot about how my low self esteem, and my self-hatred/guilt issues have been messing with me all my life and me pushing it down just caused it to erupt in other facets of my being. So, to make a long story short, don't detox at home if you're in bad shape....we need you to stick around a bit longer ok?
so, I'll be seeing y'all on the AB's board. don't know if I'll ever drink in any quantity again in my life, but it's way too soon to even worry about it now. it's time to change my lifestyle and habbits until I am a new person physiologically and not just "temporarily mentally".
Thank you all a million more times.
Love,
Determinator
Secondly I want to say that without this great MWO community, I probably would not have reached out for help and would have spiraled down into my hole, and by thursday I would probably have been dead or in a coma.
So: my attempts to "drink myself down" kept backfiring and I got worse and worse to the point I was hallucinating and fighting imaginary demons and manifestations in my head, my wife was freeking out and then during some moments of semi-clarity she asked if she could take me in and I finally (thick-headed man I am) said ok. I was scared to death. We came to the clinic in the morning and even though I didn't have a drink for the last 9 hours or so I still blew an .30 on the breathalizer. They took me through to the adult intensive intake unit and took my vitals. My blood pressure was so off the charts I was in risk of cardiac arrest so they took appropriate medical measure to save my life. while I was sitting (weaving) in the chair I saw people staggering by me vomiting and screaming, one guy had to go out on a gourney after loosing consciosness. Needless to say my tortured brain was racing and I just tryed so hard to be a good patient, which I'm happy to say I was. Then they put me on tons of valium and a few other things I couldn't remember or pronounce anyway. The very first night there (in the middle of full withdrawals) I attened my first AA meeting that they hold in the facility. you wanna talk about a nervous, shakey crying peice of dirt...that was me. I actually did speak and admit my alcoholism and read one of their papers out loud. it was strangely relieving and although it's too soon for me to say that I'll be a "big" advocate of that program or not I just don't know yet. During the following days I wondered around in a daze and attened several CD (chem dependance) classes, pysch classes and group activities. I was too withdrawn to really interact but appreciated thier communion anyway. There were all kinds of people there: policeman, lady from the local government, just all kinds. Gradually my consciousness became more clear and my shakes reduced to where I could read and write. The food was even a little better than I expected (and you all know what a gourmet snob I am). it was so fortunate for me that they could give me effective sleeping meds...what a relief at least being able to sleep solidly throught this ordeal. I've made arrangements to see a psych counceller and get a regular doctor (which I've neglected to do my entire life). In terms of additional meetings I'll have to simply visit a few and see what makes sense for me. They also diagnosed me as depressed and are giving me Campral (for cravings) and Citalopram for depression. I learned a lot about how my low self esteem, and my self-hatred/guilt issues have been messing with me all my life and me pushing it down just caused it to erupt in other facets of my being. So, to make a long story short, don't detox at home if you're in bad shape....we need you to stick around a bit longer ok?
so, I'll be seeing y'all on the AB's board. don't know if I'll ever drink in any quantity again in my life, but it's way too soon to even worry about it now. it's time to change my lifestyle and habbits until I am a new person physiologically and not just "temporarily mentally".
Thank you all a million more times.
Love,
Determinator
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