I haven?t been back here in a very long time, but I love this site and this group so I hope this is a good place to post this.
The brief history: drinking a bottle of wine every night, sometimes more, for over ten years. I never missed work, don?t have DUI?s, etc. Overall, I am what anyone would call a ?high achieving? person. But, I had a nightly drinking problem that got to the point where I couldn?t even DREAM of not having alcohol in my life ? totally dependent on drinking wine every night, never breaking the pattern ? only wine, every night 7 PM till bedtime, without fail. I knew it was bad and would eventually spoil my health completely, but I could not stop. Could not.
I hid it from everyone pretty well for many, many years. Until? drum roll? I got caught by the closest person in the world to me about 2 months ago ? the jig was up, as they say. On that day, he (very kindly) confronted me and, for whatever reason, that very day, I quit cold turkey for 2 solid months. I know. Unbelievable.
I had tried to quit with BAC but stopped because I couldn?t take the side effects. Then, tried NAL faithfully (I mean, FAITHFULLY) for a year and a half and had absolutely no change. Weird, I know. But it?s absolutely true. It just had no effect.
But - I quit cold turkey upon confrontation. I haven?t the slightest idea how on earth that was possible. I almost feel like the panic and utter terror I felt at my Dear One finding me out sort of shook me to my core and allowed me the ability to just stop. I don?t know?
Anyway, so I quit. I wasn?t a hangover type person, so I didn?t notice that I, for example, suddenly felt super fantastic and energetic. Life wasn?t different in any big way, other than the fact that I was not having wine every night and that I lost about ten pounds. I was a nighttime only drinker and I did/do miss that ?high? of getting that nightly buzz. (I am also not a great sleeper, so AL always helped me pass out, which I missed
But, I quit. I did have urges, for sure, but I was able to resist somehow. Again, I have no idea why or how.
I came back here to start reading posts again, getting inspiration and information, and to try to figure out what I was going to do long term. Could I quit permanently? Did I NEED to quit permanently? How long was I quitting for? I had no idea. I did read ?The Easy Way to Stop Drinking,? which was actually quite helpful.
However, last night, for the first time, I decided to have some wine with dinner. I thought, ?Well, it?s been two months. Let?s see what happens.? So I did. What happened was that I immediately became the EXACT person that I had been before. I didn?t just want a glass, I wanted a bottle. BUT, the difference was that, because I had been AF for two months, I was able to feel what was happening to me, consciously, rather than just drinking without thinking, as I had done for so many years.
What happened was it felt like my brain got a taste of the AL and then began sort of maniacally wanting to gulp down more and more. Like it couldn?t get enough. Everyone else at my house had some wine with dinner and then they were done. I, however, (sneakily, of course) couldn?t get enough. But, it honestly felt like a chemical reaction. Like there was a part of my brain that actually took over my body and it was like I was giving water to a person who had been dying of thirst. It really felt like a separate being was in charge. It felt like that ?person? needed this. It felt panicky.
For me, this was kind of a revelation because I had never been conscious of it before. I didn?t know what was driving my need. I don?t really know now, which is why I?m posting here to see if any of the very insightful and smart people here have any insight. Is it an endorphin rush that I?m responding to? Do I have a neurotransmitter deficiency? It seems completely chemistry-driven to me. I can't explain it any other way.
I had tried supplements but, just like with NAL, kudzu and l-glute did not seem to change anything for me. I have never taken anti-depressants, although I have been offered them by my regular MD ? quite unprovoked, I might add. I haven?t read ?Seven Weeks to Sobriety? yet, although I have seen many, many posts on what seems like an insightful book. I will get it to see if it helps answer my questions.
Maybe I DO need something for my hungry little brain. I don?t know?
After last night?s little ?experiment,? I am going to quit again for an open-ended amount of time. I didn?t like what happened to me last night. At all. But I am glad I experienced it as I did. It gave me a clarity that I?ve never had before.
Sorry this is so abominably long. Thank you for reading. If anyone feels like sharing any insights or thoughts, I would be so humbly grateful for any feedback.
Kind regards,
Citygirl
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