REALLY CHALLENGED

[mama bear]

REALLY CHALLENGED

thinking of you Kradle...I am raising two boys...17 and 20
one was busted with pot two years ago and the other was busted for shoplifting recently....
and please get well.....
maybe if you give a little on some of the restrictions, he will calm down a little???
kind of a meet halfway negotiation??? just a thought

[Kradle123]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Thanks for the well wishes. They mean Alot :h

The School Meeting today at 1:30. Will try not to Hack my way through it...

:l:h

[Eve11]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Kradle123;1417771 wrote:
Any advice I can use because I am really angry and frightened and need more info about wha to expect.

Kradle,

We adopted our son when he was three. He came from a neglected and abused environment and was and has been very challenging. I received great help through a program called Total Transformation. You do not have to buy the expensive tapes, but can join the free website and they give a plethora of wonderful information. Unbelieveable. The founder was actually similar to my son - neglected, abandonded, etc. He became an addict/alcoholic and turned his life around and became one of the best child psychologists I think there ever was. Here is a link. Good luck. Feel free to pm me if you wish to talk personally.
This is info for the free newsletter.

Effective Parenting Articles | Child Behavior Help | Parenting Difficult Children & Teens
Good luck. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

:l
Eve11

[Slaythefear]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Kradle, I'm glad you and your household are on the mend side of the fence. Your post deserves more attention than I can give it today. Wrestling something here as well. I'll be back when I can give a proper thoughtful response as this is too important to just wing it. I will add one thing for now and that is not to cut off your time with your son as part of the discipline routine. The show maybe (love voyager), but not time with mom's attention/love. He is already feeling like a 'different' and 'outside the norm' person I would imagine which will make him more defiant). That age group has so many struggles to 'fit in' and 'be accepted' even when the accepted is based on all the wrong things. You are in a war with that as well. I'd like to bat that adult male over the head. Some adults act like they never grew up past elementary stage!!!

Here's a :l for today.

Love,

Slay:h

[FlyAway]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Positive vibes to you Kradle. I'm glad that you're starting to feel better.

[scottish lass]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Kradle - my heart goes out to you. I have been posting about my woes and my struggles and this has just put things totally into perspective. I am blessed, but sometimes forget that. I am so sorry for what you are facing. I have no words of wisdom, but only my support. I have a 14 and 11 year old, and I cannot imagine facing what you are with my girls. Love and prayers heading to you and your family, :l

[Slaythefear]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Eve11;1421741 wrote: Kradle,

We adopted our son when he was three. He came from a neglected and abused environment and was and has been very challenging. I received great help through a program called Total Transformation. You do not have to buy the expensive tapes, but can join the free website and they give a plethora of wonderful information. Unbelieveable. The founder was actually similar to my son - neglected, abandonded, etc. He became an addict/alcoholic and turned his life around and became one of the best child pscyhologists I think there ever was. Here is a link. Good luck. Feel free to pm me if you wish to talk personally.
This is info for the free newsletter.

Effective Parenting Articles | Child Behavior Help | Parenting Difficult Children & Teens
Good luck. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

:l
Eve11

I've seen that program advertised. Information/knowledge is key! Staying calm and having tools that are consistently applied help a lot. Sometimes 'us' parents have issues we are trying to cope with as well and it makes it difficult to stay consistent and calm, but it is very useful to have a laid out plan to execute that is logical and reasoned.

I think one the hardest things to deal with is a troubled child. We love them so much that it can often be hard to carry out the tougher methods and not let our own emotions control the way we handle it.

Love,

Slay

[Wildflowers]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Dear Kradle,

I pm'd you the one that wouldn't go thru last time. Weird as I sent you one day b4. Going to send you another short one in min, then beddie bye. :h :l

[briseus]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Hi Kradle, I hope you are well.
I can only imagine the amount of stress you are going through - but the good news out of all this is that you are sober.
I am thinking of you. I hope you're hanging in there. Sorry I didn't write sooner. You were always there for me.

xo
Bri

[199days]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Hi Kradle . Hope you feel much better soon.

Ps Will change avatar soon

[Kradle123]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Slaythefear;1422237 wrote: I've seen that program advertised. Information/knowledge is key! Staying calm and having tools that are consistently applied help a lot. Sometimes 'us' parents have issues we are trying to cope with as well and it makes it difficult to stay consistent and calm, but it is very useful to have a laid out plan to execute that is logical and reasoned.

I think one the hardest things to deal with is a troubled child. We love them so much that it can often be hard to carry out the tougher methods and not let our own emotions control the way we handle it.

Love,

Slay

Hi Eve & Slay :

We are mending here at last :h

I have been using the TTSystem for almost 8 months now and despite Matt's problems I truly think it would have been worse without Dr. lehmans help. My girlfriend calls it "Doc in a Box!" The main advantage of this program IMO is the realization that what Matt is doing is Not My Fault...As a mommy who drank, of course I see almost Everything as my fault :upset:

It also taught my husband and I how to parent the child we have not the child we think we should have. That's made a huge difference! I do wish I could have continued with the parental hot line. I used them once or twice and the couselors really helped.

So tomorrow we meet with Matt's new advisor in this partnership school. I already like her because she has been raising a child just like Matt...maybe a bit worse ...so I feel I have an ally in this battle now.

I all have been in touch with the juvenile authority here and so am laying the groundwork there.

The bottom line here as in everything now that I am freeing myself from AL is I simply must do everything I can think of to help him before he is lost to the world as an adult. Only then can I succeed with a clear conscience, even if Matt ultimately chooses the wrong road...does that make sense?

Matt is such an enigma. One minute completely defiant, evil little shit head and then insisting that I hug and kiss him goodbye. I agree Slay that I need to nurture him and not push him away and I am trying, truly. But as Dr. Lehman says, "it's hard to love someone who assaults you." my love is not unconditional, period. My maternal love for my son will always be there and I will do whatever I can to set him on a great path but I will not pretend that his behavior doesn't affect the way I feel about him as a person, his behavior as a human being and a part of our family.

Sorry, I am rambling. Part of me is excited for Matt. He has a knew beginning here and I believe he will be ultimately stronger for all of this. But I am also not blind to his completely twisted thinking and his seemingly endless inability to stay tethered to planet earth. So....we'll see.

Thank you all so much again and again and again. You keep me sane and MY head tethered to planet earth

:l:h

PS I don't know why your post Eve didn't copy....I am still trying to get the multi quote thing down.

[Eve11]

REALLY CHALLENGED

Kradle,
Yes, Dr. Lehman's advice is outstanding but with these difficult and defiant kids it can be a real challenge despite the good advice of the TT program. I noticed when I wanted to quit working with the counselors the price cut in 1/3. I did eventually quit because I reached a plateau where there was just nothing new that was happening that hadn't happened before but there are still times here and there where I wish I could pick up the phone. I think you could always call them and work out a deal with them to get a counselor's assistance. Everyone is negotiable and being your a past customer I totally think they would work with you.

:l
Eve11

[Slaythefear]

REALLY CHALLENGED

As a mommy who drank, of course I see almost Everything as my fault
Yep, been there. It's taken me awhile to free myself from that concept, but mine is now 21(close to 22), and I have been taking a more active role in letting her know no one has a perfect life and her choices are her own responsibility. She can't lay them on others. She isn't the only child who hasn't had the 'PERFECT' life. Trust me, even when I didn't drink I found that guilt for other reasons. Children need to learn not to play the victim role as they grow into adulthood. Sometimes it's good to look around at some real terrible suffering in the world. It's not like your child is the only child to ever come through any difficult circumstances or a parent who has some of their own issues. I look at my daughter now, and I realize she has learned a lot from both of our experiences and that I'm human, too...not just a parent. Learn some compassion for others and don't be so self absorbed. Life has battles for all of us.

The bottom line here as in everything now that I am freeing myself from AL is I simply must do everything I can think of to help him before he is lost to the world as an adult. Only then can I succeed with a clear conscience, even if Matt ultimately chooses the wrong road...does that make sense?

ABSOLUTELY it makes sense, Kradle. You are 100% on track. You are trying and that makes you a good mom. You are, also, human as I stated above. You can't see into the future, so that can be frightening, but my daughter is showing more fruit these days. Like our battle with AL, it goes up and down with her, but I see some very good results as she grows up as well. She is learning to move on into the future that she controls. You can't yet see where a change may take place for your son.

Matt is such an enigma. One minute completely defiant, evil little shit head and then insisting that I hug and kiss him goodbye. I agree Slay that I need to nurture him and not push him away and I am trying, truly. But as Dr. Lehman says, "it's hard to love someone who assaults you." my love is not unconditional, period. My maternal love for my son will always be there and I will do whatever I can to set him on a great path but I will not pretend that his behavior doesn't affect the way I feel about him as a person, his behavior as a human being and a part of our family.

Mine was that way, too. I think there are a couple reasons, but one is that they truly need you as their comfort blanket and to know there is this loving place of acceptance to land while they are fighting you tooth and nail for independence and control. Don't we still want to be loved when we have been bad? I do understand the, 'how do you love an unlovable child' concept, though. TRUST ME...I UNDERSTAND! I just know my daughter has always known as her mother I love her even though I didn't like what she was doing. I'm sure I sent a bad message with my drinking as well saying I don't care enough to not do this. Now that she is older and has used escape methods as well, I think she understands though. Your son will, too, as he grows up. Human, remember?


Hang in there, mom. They grow up and ultimately, they have to answer for and take the consequences for the wrong choices. Sometimes we have to just let them take them so they learn. Tough, but how else do they grow and learn? Experience is the best teacher, albeit, hard for us to sit back and watch as parents.

:l Kradle.

Love,

Slay