Welcome all Moms

[Raven2012]

A few weeks ago a few of moms and I were thinking about how nice it would be to have a group to talk about the common things we go through

"Wow, how great to hear from all of the moms,
It is a huge transition isn't it? All the stages. And the identity changes that we as women go through with each one. I never had a problem until motherhood. And then, slowly, my stress reliever for a bad day appeared. And it was totally acceptable and legal! And then we need to put ourselves together again. Of course we do. Because our kids need us. I fear sometimes I might be too late, my kids are six and eight. Fortunately, I've always waited until after bedtime but I still feel the guilt. Because I'm too "tired" to do things with them during the time when I should be out and about scheduling play dates and activities. Can we all just make a promise to each other next month will be different? We have a couple of weeks with some time off to figure out the specifics. Maybe some of us need til next year. But surely by January all of us moms can be the moms we want to be by next year right? Fresh start? I'll start a new thread and keep us all accountable. Most of all me. Because more than anything in the world, I want my little ones to admire and respect their mom, and I think you all do too. Blessings, Raven"

So, I'm following up. I'll put a link up to the previous thread in another post where you can connect with all the moms and see we've moved! Please join us! Here's hoping for us to find great new plans for 2013, and learn from those moms who have passed big milestones, we need you....!!!

[Struggles 106]

Welcome all Moms

Hey Raven

Great idea! I only have the one daughter I have talked about so much here. I managed to stay alcohol-free during pregnancy, and she did not see me drunk until she was 15.

Luckily my husband was a good cook and a great father to her. I was always working, going to school, and then traveling for work. When I did make it to a swim meet or other event in her young life the other mothers has clear disdain for me and even sometimes commented that they thought Hanna had no mother.

Now we are fine, but I have to really try not to feel guilty about being a bad mother and a bad wife. I know-live and learn-but looking back can be hard. I'm surprised he didnt leave me long before he did. LOL

So I suppose my only contribution would be to say if you have little ones they SOOOO need a sober mom. My mother was a drunk and I know the devastation firsthand

[TheSunFlower]

Welcome all Moms

I love the link and usually post on SMART regarding this.

I never hid my drinking. Maybe I should have.....I don't know. Because they saw my drinking they are my biggest supporters....and they are way smarter now.

I do regret many things.....but I stop myself. I have no use for the past or future. Just right now. I don't hold a lot of guilt. It's not worth it.

[Alcoholic]

Welcome all Moms

My 11 year old boy once made a coupon book as part of a school assignment. One coupon was for a 12 pack of beer! When asked about it, he said he made it for daddy. I was so glad he didn't make one for wine for mommy!

[Wildflowers]

Welcome all Moms

I'm glad the thread was moved over here as I think it will have more exposure. Tho, this forum moves fast, I don't think it will be a problem for Moms.

I use to carry guilt too, but then that made me want to drink. I do still sometimes, but I don't stare or stay there to long. My girls are very loving & forgiving. I guess I ~ we did something right. I believe this is what love is really about, forgiveness. Of course with healthy boundaries.

I do hope that the main reasons Moms get sober, modd, or implement harm reduction, will ultimately be for themselves. From my experiences in the past I was only successful long term when I did it for myself. Not saying our children, families aren't or shouldn't be huge motivators.

I sure do love this Mom support thread for Mom's. Wondering what others think to include all caregivers of children? I've known Dads, Grandparents, Godparents, etc in the past who had to take on the role of primary care giver like Moms. Just a thought to maybe ponder. I still know one today.

[K9Lover]

Welcome all Moms

I always say that I GOT sober for my daughter, but I STAY sober for me...which benefits us BOTH!

I've managed to let the guilt go...yeah I made mistakes in the past, but we're over it. She saw too much, but I've been so honest with her about it. Maybe, just maybe, she will learn from MY mistakes and not have to go through it herself. Continually beating yourself up over the past does not allow room for growth.

Hang in there Moms! This is a great thread...

K9

[Hopeful mom]

Welcome all Moms

Wonderful thread! I am still carrying, that guilt because I have not been sober long enough to forgive myself. I'm on day 1...again! I haven't gone longer than a week AF in probably 6 years. I have GOT to quit allowing my mind to trick me into thinking that I can drink one or two glasses of wine! I will not drink today...I want to get healthy and find the person that I used to like! I want to be the mom my children deserve, and the wife I used to be! Very imperfect, but sober!

[Raven2012]

Welcome all Moms

Link to previous thread

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f7...oms-70453.html

[Raven2012]

Welcome all Moms

Oh Moms it is getting really tough. My husband and I are going through some very difficult times. My husband has a temper and is losing patience with our little girl especially. He can get violent. He hasn't broken bones or anything (by the way - he does not drink) but the rage in him is uncontrollable. I feel helpless and I think that is a bit of a trigger for me. Here's what I've tried, to protect her, I've talked to his mother, she told me "don't provoke him" I told him I would call the police next time it happened. My daughter got angry at me and came home from school asking me if was going to be "mean to daddy again" I asked her what she meant and she said that "Daddy said you were going to get him thrown in jail" I don't know what to do anymore. Its so hard to stay strong in this situation. By the way, he's been out of work now for eight months so that's not helping.

[RingingCedars]

Welcome all Moms

Raven, your post makes me afraid for you and your daughter. If you've felt you need to call the police, minimize by saying he hasn't broken bones, have a mother in law advising not to provoke your husband and above all your little girl and you are/have been the object of this man's violence, I think you need to makes plans to leave. You cannot tell him this, if he is using your daughter to make you come in line. Is there a women's shelter you can contact when your husband is not home? Do you have family you can stay with for awhile? If things were ever to be safe for you and your daughter your husband requires counselling. Not having a job is NO excuse. Again if your MIL gave you that kind of advice, there is a known history. Please stay sober while you work out a plan.:l

[Raven2012]

Welcome all Moms

I think I can stay with my Dad for a while. Sadly, this will take them out of their school district and the family home. If he would just stay with his mother we could be fine and not have to leave the school and community. He won't leave. I've asked him time and time again. The kids are perplexed, they love their Dad but are scared of him. He's kind of talked them into this theme of I'm the better parent, mom is a loser, my way is the right way. And its because he's not working. he tiptoes around my office, "shhhss shhss, mommys worrking" I hate it, I want to be part of their world but I think because he feels lost as a breadwinner, he just passes the whole thing on to me. I feel deprived of my God-given right to be a mom. He at one point earned $250K a year and I stayed home. I can't imagine how this is supposed to play forward. [/I][/I]

[RingingCedars]

Welcome all Moms

:lRaven, my ex was verbally, emotionally, financially abusive and very manipulative with my children as well. He would not leave either. I had to leave with 3 children but he convinced them it was me with all kinds of head games. In effect it was brainwashing and emotional blackmail/abuse. I still do not have contact with my children 12 years later. This is what lead me into my descent into hell with alcohol. Please do not go there. As you know it will not fix anything and he will use it against you.

This is a site/group I got support from way too many years too late to make a difference with my relationship with my children but the support and understanding was the beginning of my climb out from the al pit of despair. You are not alone in your trials. Have a read around and contact Joani. There will be lots of ideas and support. They have members from US, Oz, UK and Canada that I remember. PAS-GuardianAngels : PAS Guardian Angels

Please be careful in your every step. I'm sending you positive energy and strength.:l

[Wildflowers]

Welcome all Moms

Raven2012;1420931 wrote: I think I can stay with my Dad for a while. Sadly, this will take them out of their school district and the family home. If he would just stay with his mother we could be fine and not have to leave the school and community. He won't leave. I've asked him time and time again. The kids are perplexed, they love their Dad but are scared of him. He's kind of talked them into this theme of I'm the better parent, mom is a loser, my way is the right way. And its because he's not working. he tiptoes around my office, "shhhss shhss, mommys worrking" I hate it, I want to be part of their world but I think because he feels lost as a breadwinner, he just passes the whole thing on to me. I feel deprived of my God-given right to be a mom. He at one point earned $250K a year and I stayed home. I can't imagine how this is supposed to play forward. [/I][/I]

Hi Raven,

I haven't been around & won't be again as I have family obligations. RC gave you some good advice. May I add that if you have a family Dr. you see them asap & get all this documented with a professional. Also if you are still under the same roof as your hubs & you or your children feel endangered physically, or he is yelling, kids are crying & being emotionally, verbally abused, please ~ please call 911 immediately. File an incident report!!! You can get him out of the house, maybe get a restraining order against him.

I also caution if you leave not knowing the state laws you live in, crossing state lines to your Dads house with minor children, he may be able to use this against you later. You could live in a no fault state to. Please seek legal council.

This man your married to sounds like a an emotional manipulator, with a huge ego problem & his Mother likely just wants to sweep it all under the carpet. With all this being said if you & your babies life's are in jeopardy get the heck out now. Believe me, if he doesn't get some help for this, or decide on his own to change there's likely going to be continued negative unhealthy behavior from him towards you & your kids. He wants control, makes him feel good, powerful.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this & I hope he just has a giant ego & hasn't been able to get over his big income loss, can't stand the fact your the bread winner now. You'd think he'd be grateful... But, from what you've written I don't think so.

Thinking & praying for all your safety!!!... Please take care!!!... Your not his door mat woman!!!... Try your best to keep the alcohol at bay, your going to need to think clearly with good sound judgement hun!!!... Again taking them out of school, even during the Holidays, gathering your business equipment while he's not there is best. Like RC said.

Please reach out to your F2F GF's & get them involved hun.

Love, :h

Wildflowers :l

[RingingCedars]

Welcome all Moms

Hope you check in soon Raven...just a quick update that you are ok?

[Raven2012]

Welcome all Moms

Thank you so much for checking in. Things pretty much caved in the last few days. I left my job. I decided the only way to get things back in order was to help him get himself employed again. I find it fairly easy re-enter the market and when he was out the last time was pretty helpful in getting him back on his feet, coaching, resume and interview tips. Hope this works. Thanks, my girlfriends have been helpful too. I was just completely burned out.